To share a squeal....

The Grinch, aka me, got through the holiday.  Jacob and I ended up sleeping in, making a big breakfast, and then spent some time together before he had to go to work.  I Skyped with all of the families.  It was fun being able to "see" my grandparents.

Christmas was taken down yesterday.  I really didn't have much up, so it was an easy transition.  I have all my framed pictures of family and friends around the house again.  That makes me so happy!

Today I have been super busy getting things done on my to do list.  You all know how much I love to do lists.  On of the things on my list today was to complete my Thanksgiving 1/2 marathon page in my race book.  I mean come on, it has been over a month ago.  So not thinking much about it I got out my race book materials, started filling out the papers, and then I saw I didn't have any pictures printed out yet.  I started thinking about it, and I had never even downloaded the pictures from the race.  So off to find the camera I went.

Long story short, I finally got the pictures downloaded and I looked through them.  I found this one

It was taken right before the race start. I ran that day with Beth.  Now Beth and I met when I decided I just couldn't keep up with the Orange group in our running club.  I opted to start running with the slower, and much more talkative, yellow group.  Beth is an assistant coach for that group.  I clicked right away with so many of the yellow group's athletes.  But there was something special about Beth and I.  Beth and I are in the same racing age group.  We married our high school sweethearts.  We have our Masters.  We are both teachers (although I am sure Beth's teacher status is due to the economy downturn.  She is WAY too smart to be teaching high schoolers in my opinion).  And of course we both really enjoy running. 

When you spend as much time as we do running, one gets to know a lot about the other.  We have shared struggles, celebrations, frustrations, gossip, and most recently a squeal (we both got our Run ATL hoodies we wanted for Christmas).  It has been an honor getting to know Beth on such a personal level.

This picture especially touched me because I remembered why we were running together.  Jacob and I had run the Thanksgiving 1/2 together the two previous years.  It had kinda become a tradition.  Well do we all remember in June when we said goodbye to Jacob as he set off for training to be deployed?  Well at that time we all figured Jacob wouldn't be there for Thanksgiving, so to keep me as calm as possible over that holiday I thought running the 1/2 would be a great distraction.  I had already signed up, when Beth let me know she had signed up too.  I was taken aback.  She went into further detail letting me know I was the only reason she was planning on running a 1/2 two weeks after we were running the Savannah 1/2.  She didn't want me to run it alone.  I was touched.  How sweet.  How thoughtful.  What a cool display of support. 

Beth is a running icon to me.  She ended up running three 1/2 marathons in 6 weeks.  I am in awe!  Because of our similar work schedule we have been able to meet up a couple of times during our holiday break for some amazing runs.  She is working on achieving a goal (I won't put it in here, as it is kind of a secret) that is an AMAZING ACCOMPLISHMENT!  

I never really get to say how thankful I am for the friends I have made through Get Fit Atlanta, but I should be better at it.  Beth, I thank you for your listening ear, your amazing comments, your thoughtful suggestions, and always just "telling" me where and how far we are running on Saturdays!  I am truly blessed to have you in my life.  

The Grinch Speaks Out

I love Christmas.  Or maybe I loved Christmas.  Or maybe I am just taking a year off of Christmas.  I am not really sure what has happened this year. 

Growing up, and until very recently, I was one of the first ones up Christmas morning.  I wasn't up because I couldn't wait to see what I had received, but I couldn't wait to see how others liked what I had gotten them.  I love the idea of happy people, and always put a lot of thought into the gifts I gave.  My sister and I would have arguments about who would open their gifts last.  I know a bit bizarre. 

But this year my cheer is long lost.  I won't go into too much detail, but I think I have lost my faith in other people/society in general.  We had to fight with insurance for almost 3 months to get some assistance on our water damage, just to get a final ruling of: we had rot damage, which is not water damage.  Nevermind the fact that rot happens when wood and water come in contact.  Nevermind the fact that we have always paid our insurance in full and on time.  But no, insurance just couldn't help us.  They knew we would understand. 

For the last 6 months we have been fighting with the Army.  I knew it would be difficult, but what I have found is the Army does not care that Jacob is a Veteran of the Iraqi War, gave 9 years of flawless service, bravely signed up to do extra training to become Airborne, and was injured because of someone else's bad decision.  But who cares?  Not them.  I hate that our veterans are being treated like this.  I know we are not the only ones.  It is not right to treat anyone like this, much less the brave men and women who are willing to die for us.  The Army has come up with every excuse why they owe us nothing.  They haven't even paid us for the hotel stay for 2 weeks that they required us to do on Fort Bragg.  I can promise that was no vacation for either of us.  We would have preferred to come home. 

The day we brought the tree up to decorate we got the call my grandfather had passed away.  The tree still sits in the living room, not a light or decoration on it.  Planning our trip to FL, finishing the school year, and fighting the Army received all of our energy.  

I think all of my energy has gone into trying to be positive, trying to convince myself we will make it, and not bring everyone else down with me.  But I am tired.  I don't feel like we have a lot to celebrate.  Why decorate the tree when no one is coming to see it? Our friends have gone back home, or have family joining them.  As much as I pretend the animals are people, they don't really know if the tree is done or not. 

Jacob has noticed my slight depressive mood.  I would prefer to sit in bed, or on the couch and not get up at all.  I especially don't want to be shopping this late,  as tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  We got all of our gifts sent to their destination on time, but I won't get to see anyone open their hand picked gifts from us, which makes it seem not as real.

I think about the Grinch.  I think he struggled too.  Yes, he had too small of a heart, but I think he had been dealt a bad deck of cards, and society had kinda let him down.  I mean so many fictional characters have been teased for being green.  The Grinch, The Wicked Witch of the West, and Mr. Grouch from Sesame Street.  I think the Grinch wanted to be happy, but he just didn't feel it, and that made him different.  I feel that way.  I know I should happy, and filled with joy, but I am not, which makes me an outcast.  I become exhausted from trying to fit in.  Maybe I should find my own cliff to live on for the next two weeks. 

Tomorrow our church is having our Christmas/Christmas Eve service. I will be surrounded by the idea that Christ is born, and that is worth celebrating.  I believe that!  But that doesn't need a decorated tree, or gifts under the tree, or for me to fight all those people out there to find the perfect gift. 

I know this might be hard to swallow but maybe I need to channel the Grinch.  This year will be just Jacob and I, the animals, and nothing else.  It won't fit into societies view of Christmas.  I am sure our neighbors are still a bit shocked we have NO decorations or lights out.  And what will they say when we take the naked tree down tonight? 

This might be the first, and maybe only, year I have ever felt this, but I think the Grinch may have had some decent ideas for this time of the year. 

I have been doing some thinking

I have been so blessed to have known 3 sets of my great-grandparents, and even more blessed that I still have a great-grandmother left in my life.  Until last week my great-grandfather was still part of my life also.  He passed away at the age of 90.  A respectable age, he lived an amazing life, and I can only hope to accomplish half of what he did.  Any death is hard, but this one has hit home in more than one way. 

My great-grandparents were extremly proud, and honest people.  Lived by the word of God, and stayed active in their community until recently.  I loved going to their house for a couple of reasons.  #1 They lived in FL, and if we were visiting it almost always meant we were going to make a trip to Disney World.  #2 They lived in FL which was the polar opposite of my home state of MI.  The palm trees, the humidity, and sunshine were always abundant.  The grass was harder than ours at home, and I still remember running around the front yard in awe of how thick the grass was.  #3 Grandma's knick-knaks.  She had(s) so many.  I could look in the living room and dinning room forever at the all the small pieces of art.  #4 They had a screened in porch, which again was something completely foreign to my way of life.  Hearing the bugs while sitting out there with my grandpa is an amazing memory.  #5 How funny and wonderful they both were.  They would bicker, and it was always so amusing to me.  They spoiled my sister and I to death.  My grandma had(s) this way of being completely honest.

Honesty is a quality I have always admired in my great-grandma.  It is hard to explain what I will attempt to talk about in the next few sentences.  A few years ago, like at least 6 years ago, a college friend, Shane, and I went to FL on our spring break.  We of course stayed with my great-grandparents.  As we sat in the living room my grandma's honesty took to a new light for me.  She was talking to Shane and I about how she wished she could be young again.  She went on to explain that growing old is hard.  She had recently lost some family members, and a neighbor had passed away.  She explained how her and my grandpa couldn't volunteer as much as they wanted to anymore, and they were only able to ride seven miles on their bikes.  To me I was thinking how cool are they?  In their 80's riding 7 miles, still volunteering, and able to travel small distances.  I looked at their aging like how well they were aging.  I have always wanted to grow old like them.  It just seemed so natural and graceful. 

Well each visit since that one in college has brought around a similar conversation.  As the years went on the conversation would move towards them not volunteering anymore, not cooking at home as often, more family members passing away, and the worst in my grandma's world was the passing of her friends.  My grandparents were extremely social beings.  Their friends were the same as family to them. I distinctly remember her telling me there were no more friends left.  It was a slight exaggeration at the time, but it was my grandma's perception. 

Grandma and Grandpa moved into an "apartment" in a minimum support housing unit this past year.  It was a super hard move for my grandma, and the word stubborn came up again and again.  Here is a conversation from when Jacob and I were there visiting in June:

"So grandma here is your event calendar.  What is one thing you would like to do?"
"Nothing Mandy.  There is nothing I like to do".
"Okay, well on Tuesday they have arts and crafts right down the hall.  Why don't you try to go and meet some ladies there?"
"Mandy, I WILL NOT GO!  If I do the crafts where would I put it?" - as she sweeps her hand around the small apartment that still had a few boxes that hadn't been unpacked. 

As she swept her hand around the obviously cluttered room I had to burst out in laughter, causing her to do the same.  She has always been proud, independent, and for lack of a better word stubborn. 

My grandfather went downhill quite quickly.  It didn't take us by surprise, but that doesn't mean it was any easier for my grandma.  I was able to be with her for the funeral, and two days after.  She has been moved in with her daughter, my grandma.  Again, the move has not been the easiest thing for her.  The two days after the funeral left the opportunity open for more conversation.  It took the same turn, of how terrible it was to grow old, and watch those around go first.  She is frustrated with the feeling that people feel the need to take care of her, which we all do.  She gets angry when she feels like her rights as an independent woman are being infringed on.  And let's all be honest, we are infringing on them.  She is 88.  As the eldest great-granddaughter, I am one of those taking some of her rights away.  But who can blame me?  I think I can speak for all of my family when I say we are just looking out for her.  We want what is best.  I will fault no one in the family to have anything other than that in the forefront of our thoughts. 

But all of this has created a new dialouge to take place in my own mind.  A goal of mine has always been to live life to the fullest for the longest I can.  To out live so many has been an aspiration.  I eat healthy, brush my teeth, exercise, don't smoke or do drugs, and all those other healthy living tips you can follow, I do my best.  But is that what I want?  My grandma has lived a wonderful life, I don't think she would take any of it back, but then I wonder.... Can I stand strong as family members fall, as I have to say an eternal goodbye to best friends, as my body slowly gives out to where I am stuck inside with a bunch of goodwilled, but possibly misguided young family members? 

All in all, I think I might want to pick up some bad habits.....

I am here

There is so much to write it has become overwhelming.  The little amount of time I have to write I don't feel like I have enough time to make it a worthy post for all of you to read.  So as I said I would never do a bullet point post again, I will do a quick update in paragraph form.

The month of November seems like a whirlwind.  I ran a 5k, and another 13.1 mile.  I am at a standstill for my training until Feb where I will run another 1/2 marathon.  I babysat for 10 days.  My mom, step-dad, and grandma came down for Thanksgiving.  They brought with them a new desk for our basement, so moving of the rooms has begun.  We will be changing where things are in the house.  My dad and Gary were in town last weekend, and we got to hang with them for two days.

Jacob was invited to, and passed phase I to be a special agent in the FBI.  There is much more to be done and passed before we can get too excited. But phase I is super hard, and Jacob is within the elite by passing.  I am proud. He is working hard at getting back into physical shape, and can walk/slow jog a few miles. We hope we have filled out the "last" of Army paperwork as we are still fighting them about Jacob's injury.  I knew this would be a long battle.  It is so sad how the United States government treats its soldiers. 

I have two more weeks of school before holiday break.  I have not gotten into the Christmas Spirit, and hope it finds me soon. 

I hope to find more time to blog, and make it much more worth your time reading. 

Until then.....

I LOVE TO RUN!

2 hours and 12 minutes!

I will start this post by just saying I LOVE TO RUN!  It has been 10 months since I ran the Disney full marathon, and that was my last just running race.  So I felt so prepared for this Savannah Rock and Roll 1/2 marathon!  I set a personal record (PR in runner lingo) of 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 12 minutes.  Well, to be exact my chip time came in 2 hours, 11 minutes, 56 seconds.  This surpassed my last 13.1 race, last November, by 20 minutes.  This was a great personal achievement.

In all honesty though, my PR was one of the only highlights from this race.  I will try to keep it honest in this race report.

This was my first Rock and Roll race.  The Rock and Roll Marathon and 1/2 Marathon Races is quite the franchise.  They do races in many different cities, and draw quite a crowd.  This race was a full and half in Savannah, GA.  I will state at this point this was the first year this race was held in Savannah.  It sold out at 23,000 people.  One of the first things that was a little crazy was that the race was on Saturday.  Every other race I have done, except for the Thanksgiving 1/2, is done on Sunday.  But I figured with Daylight Saving Time, and it would be nice to go out Saturday night all was good.  Because Rock and Roll did not give the option of race day number pick up, nor would they mail the numbers, 23,000 racers and their cheer team had to get to the Expo Friday afternoon by 7:00.  The expo was held on an island, that had one road to and from it.  It was an absolute disaster. 

We were stuck in bridge traffic for over an hour, then had to drive almost 1 mile past the expo building to park.  Then walk to the expo.  We passed a lot of parking spaces that were not being utilized to the best it could have been.  It was a bit frustrating.  After finally getting in to the expo I was pleasantly surprised that it was really well organized.  I walked up to pick up my number, was ushered to my race bag.  The shirts were also well organized, and the people who were handing them out were allowing people to change sizes if they needed. This is something I heard was not the case for everyone, but really very few races will allow you to change your shirt size, so to me this was a plus.  The expo seemed well organized, and there was enough room to walk around, but by that time it was after 6 pm, we still hadn't found our hotel room, and we needed to get some dinner.  Jacob and I met up with a couple of Get Fit people, and finalized some plans.

Jacob and I found our hotel and it was in an okay place.  We had booked late, so we were much farther away from the start/finish line I prefer, but I was happy just to have a place inside of Savannah.  We did a search for dinner, just to find everywhere we stopped had a wait, and it was already almost 8:00.  We finally found a small local diner, and just ate there.  I had an omlet, no cheese, but lots of veggies, wheat toast, and grits.  Jacob and I discussed our final plan for race day.  Our hotel was going to run a shuttle to the start, starting at 5:30 am.

RACE DAY!
The alarm went off at 4:15 a.m.  Our hotel was a bit ghetto, and didn't have a working phone, so no wake up call, and no real life alarm clock, so we set both cell phones, and my iPad.  All worked out and we got up on time.  We were down in the hotel lobby by 5:00 a.m  I had brought a deli thin and peanut butter, so I had that before we left.  Here is where things got a bit harried.  The shuttle driver comes in the lobby at 5:15 and says since there were so many runners ready to head to the race he would start taking us. He says it will take 15 minutes.  Well it was super cold out so I didn't want to get out there too early.  So we decided to wait.  40 minutes later the shuttle was just getting back.  The driver says that all the roads are shut down so he has to take us out to the Savannah Mall where the race has shuttles to take us to the start line.  This was one of the biggest confusions of the whole race.  BACKTRACKING--> So almost 2 months ago Rock and Roll sent out an email saying they only had 1000 free parking spots available and it was first come first serve.  I was not one who got a spot so in following emails we were told to pay to park downtown.  Then we were told that there were shuttles available but you had to pay $35 (which I was not doing, because I had paid quite a bit to be in the race in the first place),  and then we got an email telling us not to go downtown, and then we got an email that said free parking at this mall, but you had to take a shuttle...blah blah blah.  So I was already pretty confused on how I would get to the race <-- BACK TO RACE DAY  So we get on the hotel shuttle to be taken to a mall where we got in really, really long lines to get on another shuttle.  I will say when we went through there were race volunteers telling us where to line up, and moving buses quickly.  We only had to wait for two rounds of busses and we were on.

We are on the shuttle, and it is no 6:30 and the race starts in an hour.  I start to get a bit nervous.  All of a sudden someone stands up on the bus, and yells at the bus driver.  She states that we must have taken a wrong turn, but this road will have us end up in a swamp.....yes, one of my fears realized....our bus driver was lost.  THANK GOODNESS we had a native to Savannah on our bus.  She was able to give our bus driver directions to get us downtown.  Then we had to go through two police blockades, but we made it to the start line....at 7:25.  On the bus I ate a Powerbar, and drank my water bottle.  When I got off the bus, my corral #21 was pretty much right there, so I got in line for the port-a-potty.  While I was in line the race actually started.  I was a bit angered at the idea I wasn't even in my starting position, but what could I do at that point?  I jumped in my corral position as they were making their way to the start line....and I was off.

Rock and Roll marathons are so popular because they have live bands playing throughout the course.  According to the map I was going to hear 11 bands.  The first band was playing, and that was cool.  My stomach began to growl about mile 1 but I had a plan to wait until mile 4 to do my first gel.  My fingers and toes began to thaw about mile 1.5 and I put my sunglasses on during mile 2.  It warmed up soon after that.  I took my first gel right on time about mile 4.  Band 2, and 3 were not playing as I went by.  It was a bit disappointing.  Around mile 7 I took off my arm warmers, to my short sleeved shirt, and I passed those off to Jacob as I passed him at mile 8.  I felt really strong.  The miles were literally flying by.  I took another gel around mile 8.  I got to see a lot of Get Fit people as I weaved myself through the crowd.  The marathon and 1/2 route were the same for the first 11 miles, and it was crowded. I spent a lot of energy watching where I was going, and dodging through people.  I didn't get to look around at my surrounding too much.  The elevation was much flatter than I am used to, so I just kept plugging along.  I only walked through water stops, and that was to grab water, gulp it, and start running again.  The water stops were close to every mile, and they were well manned, and had plenty of water and energy drink when I went through.  Everyone was really positive, and cheering on the runners.  The next two bands were actually playing and it was a well needed mental break just to hear the music. 

My stomach started rumbling about mile 10 so I took my last gel I had on me.  I really only figured on taking two gels, but my stomach was litterally growling, and I had it with me, so I figured why not.  I was watching my pace on my watch, and it was in the 11 min, for the first 2 miles, around 10 min miles until mile 10 and then I pushed it to 9:30 min miles.  I was really pushing myself, and still feeling super strong.  The last two bands were playing, and it was a nice change to get something other than my thoughts in my head.  I got to mile 13 and did a very strong, sprint finish to finish line.  My watch said 2 hours, and 12 minutes.  I was ecstatic!  Jacob was right there, and so were some other Get Fit peeps. I didn't really feel completely exhausted, I felt like I could have kept running if nessessary.

The end of the race was pretty well organized.  Plenty of volunteers helping move the lines along.  The food was nothing exciting.  Some fruit cups, bananas, Marathon Bars, and bottled water.  It was still only in the 50's, in the sun, so they had wraps for us.  They had a spectator meeting place with large letters set up in Foryth Park. It was easy to find the G for Get Fit and there we celebrated many racers who finished, and many came out of the race with PRs. They had free beer (not for me...) for finishers, and a band playing.  There were tents set up around the park, but I didn't feel like moving around too much, as I got cold quickly after I stopped running. 

When we finally felt that it was time to get a move on, the line for the shuttle to the mall was SUPER long.  They did move it along quickly, but then we had to ride the shuttle out to the mall, and then wait another 30 minutes in the mall parking lot for our hotel shuttle.  By the time we got back to the hotel it was after 1 p.m. and I was so hungry we got straight in the car and went for lunch.

I am happiest about how flat the course was, how trained I was to run it, and how I executed a almost perfect race.  I know I say it over and over again but this race was so successful in part to Get Fit Atlanta.  I love my Get Fit family!

I am not sure how I will feel about signing up for another Rock and Roll race. I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt as this was their first time in Savannah, and you learn a lot after the first time.  But I am happy I did this race, as I am not sure the perfection of a great race will align the way they did Saturday ever again.  2:12 might be a PR for a long time, but a great record to chase after for a while!

MORE PICTURES!

I didn't want to be negative

I have technically had the time to bust out a post.  I have even had things to write about.  But I just didn't want to be negative.  And negative was the main player in all of my topics to put out on the web.  I am trying this new thing about being positive, and I read a book that gave all the reasons why everyone should be an upper.  The one that stuck in my mind was that when you are not positive, you are like a poison to the people around you.  I don't want to be poison.  I wouldn't say I was keeping my troubles a secret, I would just say I was staying focused on all the great things going on. 

But then I started reading a couple of other blogs and I thought, but I really connect to bloggers who are honest.  They don't sugar coat things.  And that is me.  I am not one to shy away from the truth.  The truth is the past few weeks have been a struggle.

Most people reading this know I believe in God, and that he has a plan for our lives.  And if you didn't now you know.  Most of the time I feel like God and I see the same purpose, and I become purpose driven.  I have a lot of energy, enjoy talking, love staying busy, and can handle up to 30 under 10 years olds at once, so I am using my strengths as a teacher.  I know it was meant to be that I moved South, and feel at home in Atlanta.  Jacob's strengths are staying calm, listens intently, strong, willing to take orders, and trusting.  The Army is the best place for him.  So when Jacob broke his leg, and put a stop to our neatly laid out plan, I was a little more than confused. So what/where was the problem?  He was going overseas, I was teaching, and we were making smart financial decisions.  We had laid out a plan of exactly what to do with our increased income, and we were right on track.  So what was wrong with the plan? 

I have felt like the break was the first of many events to mess up "my" overall plan.  The break, having to stay in NC for the last few weeks of my summer break, which lead to not being able to prepare for my class as much as I would have.  There has been no income from Jacob's end.  So we went from my salary and a half (Jacob's GI Bill), to just my salary.  That caused me to have to take on some tutoring/babysitting jobs, leaving less time to spend at home on myself, or with Jacob.  The break also caused Jacob not to be mobile, which meant no job opportunities.  This all leads to the financial fall of the Larkins.

I just had my birthday, and today is Jacob's.  We are officially 28.   I didn't take this birthday easy.  The overall situation did not help.  On a regular basis I kept thinking to myself " I am 28 years old.  I have my Masters, I am in my 5th year of teaching.  I am making less this year than I did my first year teaching.  My husband is a Veteran, and has his bachelors.  He has not had a job offer in 3 months. Our six month savings fund is up in Dec."  And unfortunately when you are strained, and can't see your way out something 2 months away, feels like next week. 

I watch the news in the morning, and listen to talk radio on the way home from work.  The talk of the 99% and the 1% is all over it.  I would start to feel frustrated, and angry, because Jacob and I are being held back by the economy.  I wonder where/what we would be if this were the 1980's.  Jacob and I did everything we could to be prepared for something bad.  We have been contributing to a retirement fund since we were 23.  We are the only 28 year olds I know who actually had a 6 month fund, in liquid.  We kept our credit scores high, and pay all of our bills in full and on time.  The only debt I have is the mortgage, and student loans.  I have a pretty safe job in teaching, and Jacob got his bachelors because that is what the world keeps telling him he needed. 

And now what?  We are falling into the 99%.  We will eventually run out of funds, deferring on student loans, foreclosing on the house, I can't even think what might happen to our pets.  The worst has happened.  We were prepared, thought out, and yet day by day the savings dwindle.  Water damage, and no second income.  The days kept ticking by....and by....and the savings dwindled. 

You can see how the negative thoughts would keep swirling around and around. 

Sunday we had a great sermon on why God will wait until he thinks we are ready to really help.  And that put it into perspective.  We are not in the 99% that are without jobs, enormous credit card debt, no home, and truly no hope.  We have a lot of friends, and family that support us, and it is not as doom and gloom as I feel it is sometimes.  God has provided us with just enough to make it work.  We have become much more reliant on Him.  It is all meant to be. 

Today Jacob got a call that his LOD (accident report) had been approved, which means we can move to the next step of asking for what we think we are owed.  So God knew how much was left in our savings.  He knew Dec. was it.  And I have faith that He will provide before Dec. 

Now that over 3/4ths of this post was technically negative, my hope is that someone can connect and not feel like they are the only ones.  I think we have all been or are here.  It might not be so bad sharing, when we can all see there is a way out.  I will try not to hide so much in the future. 

Day by day

Last week was my last tri for this season, and it just happened to be Sara's first tri.  It was a great race!  A great way to end the season.  She did amazing!  What an accomplishment!

Before we got in the water!

So proud of Sara!!!

 Then this past weekend Jacob and I went up to MI for my brother's wedding.  While up in MI Trisha and I did our first race together!  It was Zeeland's Pumpkin Fest 5k.  It was great because we got figure out a pace together, and try out some tutus in preparation for the Princess 1/2 Marathon in Feb.  Trisha did amazing.  We had a little under 11 minute miles, which was a push for Trisha, and she pushed through! You can see all the pics here. 

SO PROUD OF TRISHA!

As for the rest of life Atlanta Public Schools was furloughed today for Columbus Day, so I had the day off.  I actually used it to relax, catch up on uploading pictures, do some laundry, and the get the house ready for this week.  We are still waiting for the Army to get their act together, and I have to say I will only be able to wait a few more weeks, and still stay quiet.  Our hole in the house is completely covered, and the flooring people are coming tomorrow to lay the floor in the dinning room and kitchen.  Hopefully that means my kitchen table can leave the living room.  My next race is Nov. 5 in Savannah.  I am right on track for my training, so I am super happy with that. 

I guess overall the world is just moving day by day, and I won't complain about that.  I will leave y'all with that. 

When the world comes crumbling down, I stand smiling

I know it has been forever since I updated this.  I have been busy.  And not so much in the blogging mood.  But lately I have been doing a bit of reflecting.  I thought why not get some of these thoughts out.

So I was thinking about where I was a year ago, and where I am today.  A year ago I was finishing up my Masters, having trouble in my marriage, was thrust into a new grade level, then expected to blindly lead it, stressed to the hills, and so overwhelmed I was mentally, and emotionally broken.  So that made me think, where am I today?  I am a third grade teacher leader, with her masters in Educational Leadership, who has a healthy balance of work and play.  Am I 100% fixed or better?  No way!  I am in a very different place than I was last year.

However, through the last year I have learned a few lessons, which have helped get me where I am today. 

I have learned 

I must intentionally work on my marriage.  Marriage doesn't just happen.  It must be worked on continuously and by each person.  Jacob and I have been able to join a small group through our church.  We are really enjoying the opportunity that we didn't think we would have in the near future. 

To set small goals, and not move on until you accomplish it.  This has played out with my weight loss.  I lost a lot through Weight Watchers almost 2 years ago.  I was at an okay weight, but wanted more.  So I demanded more of myself.  Small goals.  Must track my food.  EVERY DAY.  After I got that under my belt, I added in not hitting the sleep button, then added doing yoga every morning, then added in a training program, and so on.  I had to truly change my lifestyle before I could move on to the next goal.  Because of small goals I am now at my happy weight, and have been for almost 6 months. 

Take care of myself before others. I was running on empty a year ago.  I needed to do things for me.  Not for my principal, not for my grade level, not for my classroom, but for me.  Everyday I left school by 4 and didn't bring anything home.  I took time for myself when I got home.  Taking care of myself, giving myself time to recharge, created a better Amanda.  I am much more able to take on the world, and be better for those around me, when I made myself take care of myself. 

One must stay positive  I guess this one has really taken a hit home most recently.  I still have a disabled husband.  We still have no orders, or direction towards the future.  No dual income.  Our "plan" is still completely up in the air.  The contractors have started, so there is a hole in the side of my house, and my kitchen and dinning room is torn up.  Earl (eldest cat) is sick, and we don't know what is wrong.  There are a lot of things going "wrong".  I could send myself to the silly house if I sat and worried.  But, I am so blessed.  I have a house, a husband, beautiful animals, my health, a job, and family and friends that love us.  I can only focus on the good.  It puts me in a good mood, and that mood carries throughout the day.  I can't let myself get into the negative doom and gloom, so the alternative is looking at the good. 

Literally take the time to breath. If you know my normal lifestyle this one should be self explanatory.  Just try it.  It works. Major change from this time last year. 

Be thankful and let others know it. This comes from the 4:8 Principle, a really good/quick read.  The positive outlook was learned from that book too, but this whole thankful aspect, I think we all take for granted.  This past year I have needed a lot of people in different ways.  Just letting them know, through an email, or even better a thank you note, I have found, not only puts me in a great mood, but buts those around me in a great mood.  I have seen a note really turn a mood, in others and myself.  I am so thankful for so much.  Why keep it to myself?

Well there you have it.  A few lessons I have learned.  A lot I already knew, just wasn't putting them into practice.  So in some ways I am in a better place than I was last year, and others, not so much.  But I can say mentally and emotionally I am on top of it.  I have become one of those people who when the world comes crumbling down, I stand smiling. 

Self Proclaimed of Course

I am SUPERWOMAN!

At least this is how I am feeling lately.  I will take this post to pat myself on my back for all that I have done these past few weeks. 

It is not uncommon for someone to say to me "Well how do you get it all done?" or " I don't know how you do it".  But my favorite was a what a friend said to me while discussing the book The Help "Wait, when do you have time to read?"

It is true.  I am going to school each day, still doing yoga/strength training in the morning, I took on a tutoring job, I am training for a half marathon on Nov. 5, while simultaneously training for a final sprint tri on Oct. 2.  I am doing everything at home from cleaning, to taking care of the animals, to yard work, cooking, and laundry.  And yes I find time to read leisurely, and I normally have a devotional/self help book going at the same time. 

I am on my fourth week of school.  It is hard to believe.  But I will say that this school year has been the second easiest to get started in my short teaching history.  With my district having some bigger issues, that has left the teachers to actually teach.  It has been a great few weeks. I even felt confident enough to take on a little side help job.

Training is going.  I have one last Sprint Tri the first weekend in Oct.  I will be doing it with my friend Sara, which this will be her first one!  It is actually the first one I ever did.  It will be exciting.  I have a 1/2 marathon in Savannah on Nov. 5, then another one on Thanksgiving, and then another one at the end of Feb.  I totally have the itch to do another marathon, but now it is deciding when and where.  I have a couple of ideas, but will have to see how they play off.  I am feeling pretty good about my training, my weight, my athletic ability right now.  I feel strong.  My short runs have been really fast and that shows some growth in the past year.  That is so encouraging.  I did a spint tri the first weekend in Aug, and shaved 9 minutes off my last year's time. Training is paying off, and I feel good about it.

Around the house it is just me.  Not for a lack of want to help from Jacob.  There is just so little he can do balancing on his crutches.  Sept. 1st he goes to a VA doctor in the VA hospital here in Atlanta, and our hope is he at least gets the cast off.  But we will see.  His orders are still not figured out. Remember when I said this would take the most attention? It has now been over a month since he broke his foot, and his orders are not in place.  He is not being paid, and he has no idea what his orders will say, or for how long anything will be in place.  Jacob is calling everyday, but as I stated before the Army will take care of you, it just takes a really, really, really long time.  So until we get some orders, or some word from the doctor, Jacob just hangs out around the house.  I am managing to get it all done, but I have to tell you I have very few moments to hang, and/or relax. 

We have have our downs with the house lately.  To having to get a new washer, new pressure pipes in our plumbing, and still waiting for the final estimate on the water damage disaster on the back of the house, it has been trying to say the least.  We are staying positive, as we believe there is an overall plan, we are just swamping through the details, searching the right path.   In the past I would have really been mentally set off by all of this unknown, but for some reason I just feel a sense of overall contentment.  This all comes with owning a house.  It all comes with life.  We can do what we can do and after we have exhausted that, all we can do is change our attitude.  I will do just that.  Make sure I don't let a day go by that I stay in a bad mood.  I have been reminded too many times that life is just too short, and most of the plans I go with are not without sidetracks. 

So with all that on my plate I have not really had time to write up a quick blog.  However, I wanted to get something quick out there so you at least knew we were both still alive.  We are both truely in a good place, which seems completly unlike us.  We are taking each day in, and trying to get the most out of it, which means I make a lot of lists, and go, go, go until I am ready for bed.  Which is right around the corner for me tonight.  So until we meet again, Superwoman must also get her rest.....

I mean it is just self proclaimed of course....

New Life Choices

I am in a better place than I was last post.  Yesterday we had Jacob's doctor visit.  Here is the gist...

* Jacob's x-rays looked good.  I mean he has a rod in there now, so really we are just making sure his body isn't rejecting the metal.  His bones looked more together than when they were broken, so I guess that is good.

* Jacob has 5 incision marks.  Two big incisions, and three smaller ones.  The doc took out his 3 smaller incision stitches, and then put a hard splint back on his calf.

* The next appointment is Tuesday.  There he will get his other two incision stitches taken out, and he will get a hard cast on.  Then we wait for 4 weeks.

* If he has no complications from his cast being put on, he will be able to come home to Atlanta on Wednesday.  (YAY!)

* For the future: He will get his cast off in 4 weeks (5 weeks from now), if all goes well.  We will get all his paperwork, and files transferred over to the VA hospital in Atlanta, and go from there.  I mean we have a month to get it done so I am not too worried, or stressed.   He will then find out when he can start physical therapy   No weight, or work can be done on his leg before that point.  The doctor said in reality, he will be healing for 6 months, and not have function back until then.  Full function/running marathons, we are looking at a year....

So we asked the doctor the dreaded question.  What did he think about deployment in October?  He said it was out of the question.  I could hear Jacob's soul deflate a little.  We had talked about that as an option, so it didn't come as a complete surprise, but no one had said those words out loud yet.

So the great news: Jacob will be home on Wednesday, that is two days earlier than we thought! Super happy about that!

Then the news we need to digest: Our "plan" has been disrupted.  We had what we thought a laid out plan for the next year and a half.  We keep thinking of things that will need to be adjusted.  So what do I do when things seem a little out of control?  OCD the problem to death.  So in this case we broke down what could seem like an overwhelming issue, the fact that what we thought would be our future will not, into small achievable pieces.  Apparently we were headed down the wrong "plan" so we will adjust and have to go with the flow.

Step One: Get me home so I can continue my employment with Atlanta Public Schools.  DONE
--> Jacob's brother(s) will be here tomorrow to relieve me and help him around the hotel/getting to the doctors.  A huge relief!

Step Two: Get Jacob's orders changed, as he will not be active anymore.  DONE
--> We have him on R&R until Friday.

Step Three: Figure out if he can get disability pay, and for how long.
--> This will take some constant attention.  It is doable, but will take some calls, and constant pestering.  The Army will take care of you, but you have to go through the Army steps, and that can take a lot of time.  Our hope is to get his orders changed and in effect by Friday, so there is no lapse.  We will see.

The answer we get from step three will then put into action the next few steps.  We are looking at Jacob starting a career with his new bachelors degree.  We are looking at getting a new deck on our house, because of water damage.  We are looking at putting off finishing our dream basement. We are looking at my race schedule, and what is doable and what isn't.  We are really just starting from almost blank slate.

We have the general layout, where we will live, I have a job, and we have a house with a small zoo.  Everything else is kinda up for grabs.  It is not every year we get so much freedom to make new life choices.  When I look at this opportunity through my pink sunglasses (yes, I really do have pink running sunglasses!), it looks a bit more rose colored.  No really.  This is a new path, that we never saw coming, but everything happens for a reason, and we will forge this new path open to the new possibilities.

Who knows what this all might bring. But overall, I am pretty okay with the outlook at this time!  

Is that an issue?

This just played out in the hotel room.

Jacob finds me laying on the floor of the hotel room, facing the wall. I had been down there for a while. Jacob asked me "Why are you laying on the ground? Are you having issues?". I answered "I am just trying to get a different view. Is that an issue?". Then I burst out in hysterical laughter for the next 7 minutes.

I am a social being. I like to be busy. Now don't get me wrong, I love to enjoy a vacation as much as the next person. But I like my vacations to be around 6 days. I have been in NC for 8 days. There is little to do. We are on post, we have to take Jacob's leg, and pain into account, and we have little funds/material items to do a lot of things with. So we are a bit bored. Well actually stir crazy has become an understatement.

We have been able to do some Skypeing, and we get out at least once a day, so we make sure to be around other people. I love my husband, but I like conversations with others. I have read magazines, books, devotionals, and been on the web. We have watched Hulu, movies, and a lot of TV. We have talked about the future, past, and questions we need to talk to the doctor about.

I don't want to complain, and I don't want this to be a post of complaining. I am happy that I am here with Jacob. I am so blessed to have this opportunity. This was time that Jacob was going to be gone. We get to spend it together. Just not in the ideal place. Fort Bragg is nice, but I miss my friends. I miss going into my classroom, I am a bit jealous of my teacher friends who are at school (I never thought I would EVER say that). It would just be a change from doing the same thing that we are doing over here.

In that same breath I will have to leave Jacob on Sunday. That makes me sad. I think I am in an emotional conflict. I have to be back to school on Aug. 1. I am ready for a change, but I am not ready to leave Jacob. His brother(s) will be coming down to relieve me. I am leaving him in great hands, but my heart saddens when I think about leaving him in a few days.

I think my real issue is that I need a change of pace, but I am not going to embrace that change in pace. Now that is an issue.

It is the things like Q-Tips

Q-Tips, hairspray, laundry soap, dryer sheets shower gel, and contact solution.  All of these items had to be purchased while at the PX today.  I have all of these items at home.  I have them in an awesome bin I call the extra bin in my bathroom closet.  I seriously thought I would be in North Carolina no longer than Sunday.  That was two days ago.

I actually ran out of clothes two days ago.  But with some handy sink washing, and re-wearing, because I didn't sweat that much, I made it until this afternoon before I broke down and did laundry.  But to do laundry I needed soap, and dryer sheets, which I have at home, not here.  So we had to make one of our goals the PX today.

We had decided to get our haircuts today. So we wheeled Jacob to the Barber.  They are so fast, and good at their job.  He has a nice military fade-away cut.  I love that look.  Next door is the salon.  As I have mentioned I start school the day I get back to GA, so I have to do all those things I was going to this week, just here in NC.  My stylist did a great job!  It was a nice experience.  She was quick, and my hair looks okay to me so far.

So the PX.  Almost everything we bought there we have at home.  I can be considered cheap at time.  I hate buying things that I already have.  I just have to come to terms with life at this time.  I had no way to know what to expect when I packed my bags almost a week ago.  And honestly I wouldn't trade this experience for being at home alone.

So when I get home I will just have more things like Q-Tips.

Just another day

Jacob and I have been on our own for 2 full days.  We are on day three.  When the hospital said we were going to be released there was a thought of joy, and then a small moment where reality hit.  I was signing the forms stating I would take care of him,  I would be with him all the time.  I would help him. I would keep track of his meds.  I would make sure he followed the rules.  I would make sure to push him to do his exercises.  And on top of that I had to make sure I kept my role as his wife.

When I feel like things are out of my control I become very OCD.  In this case I needed to create a routine that would work for both of us, and then I had to organize everything I could.  We started by figuring out what time he should take meds.  He has meds he has to take every 4 hours, and some every 12 hours.  We wanted to make sure to set the schedule so he would have his pain meds during times in which he thought he would be most active.  So we have a nice schedule that we keep to, which includes taking all his pills at 10 a.m. and 10 p.m.  We made it so his 4 hour pills meshed with his 12 hour pills. We made it a time that he should be up, and will be starting our day after 10 a.m., and beginning his night time at 10 p.m.  This has worked really well for both of us.

When we got into our hotel room some friends from his unit helped us into the room, and they had brought all of his gear from the field.  Well he had packed all his gear, and then his friends had packed it all back up, so no one knew what/where anything was.  So once we got into our handicap room I went through every piece of equipment.  He had to explain to me what it was for, and then I made the decision if it was a keep in the room or pack back up and place in the car.  Then with the stuff we kept in the hotel we split it into clothes, toiletries, paperwork, and fun piles.  Then I put it all away in specific places in our room. I mean Jacob will be here for 2 weeks, and when my relief comes I will easily be able to explain where things are, and by then Jacob will have a good idea where it all is kept.

The next thing we did was discuss specific goals we would like to do while here.  These were just brainstorming ideas of ways we could pass the time.  We thought of the PX (a version of Target), Commissary ( grocery store), find his old unit, go to the mall, go to a museum, go see a movie, Jacob needs a haircut, I need to get to a weight watchers, yada, yada, yada.  We made a big long list.  Now each day we make at least one goal. This is two fold. We get out of the hotel room, and he is moving around, and we are doing something productive each day.

So our days look like this:

I get up in the morning and go for a run.  I have been getting up at 7, but will changing that to 6.  I will switch it to 5 soon enough. When I get back to GA I will have to start school right away.  I have to get my body into school mode while I am here.

8:00 - I wake up Jacob if he isn't already awake.  We make our way to the hotel breakfast.

9:00 - I get ready first.  Jacob is normally in the most pain at this point because all his meds are due at 10

10:00 - He gets all of his meds at this time. Then he is normally good to get up and shower.  We have to wrap his leg, and then get him situated in the shower.  There is a seat in the shower because it is a handicapped room.  He can normally finish getting ready.

11:00 - 2:00 - At some point we try to get out of the room, so housekeeping can come in. We normally try to get our goal for the day done.  Today our goal is to go off base for the first time and get to a mall.  I am looking for a tea strainer.  

2:00 - 5:00 - Jacob normally needs a rest so we make it back to the room.  I sometimes will go out to this courtyard to read in the sun.  Sometimes Jacob will join me, but it gets too hot out there for him.  We will try to read magazines, or books.  We try to turn off the TV, otherwise I can see how this can just become a normal background.

5:00 - We eat dinner.  We have to eat dinner, or lunch out of the room. We only have a microwave, and a small fridge, so we try to eat out one meal a day.

6:00 - 10:00 - A lot of the same.  Small trips to the front desk, for Jacob to practice, more reading in the courtyard, and, well, a lot more reading.

10:00 - Another dose of all his meds, and it is time to get ready for bed.

Then we wake up and do it all again.  Jacob is working really hard, and is very open to not spending every last second on the bed.  He wants to get up and do what he can, and he tries to do a lot on his own.  Overall this has not been as overwhelming as I felt it could have been when I first found out we were being released.  Jacob is a pretty good patient, and a really great husband!

Living a Dream

I never lived on base.  Jacob was stationed at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina the 4 years I was doing my undergrad at Western Michigan University.  I did visit him on base.  I would "illegally" stay in his barracks with him.

I knew living on base was always an option.  If Jacob decided to stay active duty that would have been the life I would have lived.  That was an option I was open too.  I created that opening Sept. 11, 2001.  Sitting in a McDonald's booth Jacob let me know he was going to join the military.  I told him I was not going to be the girlfriend, at the time, that stood in the way of his dreams.  I would be beside him to support him.  We both agreed in that booth that we would support each other, and if we really couldn't we would end the relationship.  I think in that moment we learned one of lives marriage lessons.  You must let each other grow.

We have had those kind of conversations many times. This week it happened again.  We are at a crossroads.  Jacob's leg injury comes with his unit getting ready to deploy.  The question to him was "What do you want me to support?".  I would support him if he wanted to take R & R and be done for a while.  I would do anything in my power to make sure he was not deployed.  I would help him work on his next future move.

Jacob's answer was quick. He wanted to anything he could to be deployed with his unit.  So I am full on supporting him, and I will do anything I can get him on that deployment. I will not be the wife that stands in the way of his dreams.  And honestly if I dug deep that was the decision I was hoping for.  I am mentally prepared for a deployment, his heart has been set on this course for over 6 months.  This makes the most sense to pursue at this time.

I am in a pretty good place right now.   I guess mentally and physically.  I have always dreamed about what it would be like to live on base, and here I am getting to experience it.  I ran this morning.  Let me just take us on a side track for a second.  I packed a small carry on suitcase when I came down here.  I packed 3 days worth of clothes. I thought at the longest that is how long I would be here. At a last minute thought I packed my running shoes. My thought was if I needed closed toes shoes to get in the hospital.  Because of that I was able to get outside before Jacob woke up and get in a run. I needed that so much.  Okay back to the post... I ran this morning.  Went all around some of the small, army housing neighborhoods.  It was a nice change of scenery, and the neighborhoods were cute.  Now I am not one to think living on base has no downfalls, but it was a run that helped clear my head, and helped me appreciate the time I have to be here. I am kinda living a dream.

I can't express how much the messages, wall posts, and texts have meant to us.  It was so nice to have the support from our friends and family.  The prayers and positive thoughts have created a bubble of peace, and a sense of support that we needed.  There are truly no words to express how that can feel.

The last mushy part of this will most likely bring me to tears as I type it.  Our love for our friends Jeff and Sara Burden can not be matched.  We are so thankful that we can call them friends.  They have dropped their own lives to move their small zoo, into our house, with our small zoo, so that I can stay here with Jacob.  True friends like them do not come around but once in a lifetime.  We are so truly blessed that we can call them friends, and there will never be any way to pay them back.  Army families have the pride of calling ourselves with titles like "Army wife", and they deserve the title "Army Friends" and they should wear that with just as much pride.  True to my words, I am crying so hard my nose is running, and tears are splattered across the keyboard.  Burdens, we owe you so much, and hope that someday we might be honored enough to help you out in someway. We love you, and all of your animals, more than will ever be able to be expressed.

We have a plan to pursue, we have a pretty nice place to stay, and I am with Jacob.  I think right now that is all that matters.

The adventures of Jacob

I am writing this from my IPad, so I will type as long as I can before I get annoyed with the chicken pecking. Here is a general run through of what has taken place.

Wednesday, July 20
2:30 a.m. I get a call from Red Cross. Jacob had been injured during a night jump. It was not life threatening. No other information can be given. I had total deja vu to when he was injured in Iraq. I go into Army wife mode. I call the medical center at Ft. Bragg, where his jump took place. I spend the next 45 minutes being transferred around, I am connected to the ER at Wolmack Army Medical Center. A PA let's me know he has broken two bones in his leg, it is not life threatening, and he would be having surgery soon. He told me to go to sleep and wait for a call later on.....easier said than done. I call my parents, my in-laws, and our friends the Burdens. I never got back to sleep for longer than 45 minutes...

4:30 a.m. I get a call from Jacob. He was drugged up and I could barely understand him. He told me he had drank some water so they had to wait to do surgery. I asked him what he wanted me to do....he said wait

I packed a bag, and made sure I had a plan for the animals. Then I waited...or tried to. I'm not very good at that part. I've been dealing with the military for 9 years. I know you have to do the work to get answers. I called, was transferred, waited on hold, was hung up on, and still got few answers. Around noon I found out Jacob was in the recovery ward. For how long, or how much longer I could not be told. Around 2:30 I learn he has been moved into a room, and they give me a number, but refuse to transfer me. I try the number....it goes to a generic voicemail. I was royally pissed. I was so frustrated I seriously thought I was going to crawl out of my own skin.

4:30 p.m. Jacob calls! He got me the right direct line. He was still really groggy. He couldn't really tell me what had been done to his leg. He knew he came down on the runway to fast, causing the injury, and there were 3 others from his jump somewhere in the hospital too. Then he said "I want you here" I was literally putting my bags in the car before we hung up.

5:00 p.m. I am smack dab in the middle of rush hour traffic.

11:00 p.m. I stop in Florance, SC. I drove as far as I could on my 45 minutes of sleep. My body finally gave into sleep around 1:30 a.m.

Thursday, July 21
5:00 a.m. The alarm goes off. I get up and out.

7:30 a.m. I get clearance to get on Ft. Bragg, and find the hospital. I have been next to Jacob's bed since.

The "Facts"
* this is quoted because nothing in the military is set in stone until you are in the present doing what they said. All is suject to change.

- Jacob has a rod that is attached by two screws to his knee, and three screws attching it to his ankle. He has a metal plate in his ankle connected by two screws that may be removed. Just the two screws, everything else will be needed for him to gain his leg function back. All this is in his right lower leg.

- We have been told he will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow.

- Jacob will need to stay at Ft. Bragg for at least two weeks. This base is quite large with at least 3 hotels here on base. I'm working with some lady at getting everything in order. He will need someone to be here with him,as he can really not do anything right now. He will need to stay here so the docs can check up on him frequently.

- No weight on his leg for 6 weeks. He is working on using crutches. After the 6 weeks we will start physical therapy.

- Jacob has asked his Commander if there is anyway for him to deploy with his unit, he wishes to. The Commander did not say one way or the other.

- Jacob was told he would never jump again. This is still hard for me to hear. My heart aches for him. He loves the thrill of a jump. He will however be able to keep his Airborne Wings, and stay in an Airborne unit. This is an honor Jacob takes seriously, and I am so thankful they will honor the years that he has served so far.

I am going to sleep at the hospital tonight. He is in okay spirits as long as he is drugged up. I can tell when it is getting close to med time. He let me know nights are the worst, which helped my decision to stay here with him.

I have written facts, not emotions. I am running on facts and not emotion at this time. I will have time to process, just not yet. I am sorry if there are typos.... Typing this much on a small screen is a lot more work than I expected.....

Thanks for all of your words, thoughts, and prayers. They are not going un noticed.

My thoughts are all over the place

Insomnia.  I guess that is what I have.  I haven't slept well in almost a month.  My mind just whorls and whorls.  Last night/this morning I finally must have fallen asleep around 4 a.m. to have my alarm go off at 6:40.  And when I woke up, I actually wasn't tired.  I am not sure what is going on, but my body is going through something.  I am hoping to get my body on a schedule, and one that includes at least 6 hours of sleep....

Divorce.  It seems everyday  I am reminded, normally by Facebook, of how many people really do get divorced.  I know the stats say 50% or maybe even higher, but it seems very prevalent around my life right now.  Maybe because people my age are getting close to the 5 year mark, and I guess it is just falling apart.  Every time I hear this news my heart breaks, but in the same breath I am reminded how lucky I am to have Jacob who is willing to fight for love just as hard as I am.  It has just been weighing on my heart lately. 

Alone.  I am spending a lot of time alone.  I guess that is one of the downsides to deployments.  I have been able to talk to Jacob 3 times since he left 8 days ago.  Two times was around 11 minutes, and once a sweet 23 minutes.  I normally plan for the calls to be about 15 minutes, so picking and choosing what to say is a must.  So I guess that leaves me with a lot of thoughts rolling around, which then might lead to my insomnia. 

School.  It looms near.  I don't know if to go in and do a little each day, or savor what I have left of my few days of summer.  But that leaves me alone....oh what a cycle. 

So my brain is just a ball of mush. It might be because of my sleep problem, which is caused by being alone, which goes into my fear of the looming school year. 

So to solve this....

Just writing to write

I was suppose to go to Midtown and run 7 miles this morning.  I couldn't sleep.  I stayed up until midnight reading The Help.  I had trouble getting to sleep.  Then I had trouble staying asleep.  Really this has been a bit of a problem since I came home from MI almost a month ago.  I do not think it is related to Jacob leaving.  So when my alarm went off this morning at 6:40...

Well let me back up a little bit further.  Earlier this week I had some cysts removed.  I went to the doctors thinking they were just blisters that wouldn't go away.  They had been around for a month.  They didn't hurt, but with my health issues I guess I just wanted to make sure it wasn't anything correlated with ITP.  The bumps were not blisters, but cysts that had become hard.  The doc had to remove them, well we have some of one left.  She told me I couldn't work out for a few days. These were in an area that is easily rubbed by clothing.  I went in with no pain, I mean gosh I completed a triathlon with them...but now it hurts.  The bandages are big and bulky, and last night every time I woke up I was in pain, which caused me to stay awake even longer each time I was awaken. 

So when my alarm went off this morning at 6:40 I felt exhausted and I had a feeling I was in too much pain to make it 7 miles.  Which sucks.  I wanted to be out there today.  Just to get out with people, talk to people.  Have a conversation. 

I am a people person, who likes to stay busy.  This past week I have done a great job of getting out there, and yet keeping with my wife/animal mom responsibilities.  Today I haven't left my house. 

I spent the first 6 hours I was awake finishing The Help.  I just laid in bed and read.  I love reading.  So this was an enjoyable way to start the morning.  Then I got up to eat and went to the living room.  I am still in the living room 7 hours later.  I did get up and eat, take care of the animals, do some cleaning, and got a few things done on my to do list, but I am still here.  I have not gotten in the car, haven't called anyone on the phone.  Just been in the house with me and the zoo. 

Maybe this was what I needed.  A chill day.  I just have to make sure this doesn't happen more often than once a week.  I can see a fine line between staying sane and insane during deployments.  I want to stay on the sane side...

Protection

 Lola was 1 and a 1/2 when our apartment was broken into.

Lola is our first dog we have had as a Jacob and Amanda family.  I wrote about her back in 2009.  Lola came to the rescue when I really needed her.  Ever since that fateful morning our connection has been a tight one.

Lola is my protector.  Sometimes too much of one, but secretly I take solace when she is barking at a stranger.

I was reminded of our bond yesterday at the dog park.  Lola acts differently at the park when I am there alone.  Lola will only play within a perimeter, and if anyone comes within the perimeter she will position herself between me and the stranger.  Yesterday there was a guy who came within the perimeter she had set up.  She was not going to have it.  She got in between us and barked.  She can make herself sound really scary.  I always apologize to the others, but I will rarely tell Lola 'no'.

She will do the same thing if we are meeting new people, be that on a walk, or at the house.  Lola will let her guard down when I hug, or get in a close proximity to the other person.  I know Lola can sense if I know people or not, and if I am comfortable.  We are just connected like that. 

Lola always positions herself between me and the door.  In the living room she is always between me and front door.  In bed she is always on my side that is closest to the door.  This is just her.

I feel so safe in the house with this 'monster'.  I love her quirky behavior.  I love what a good girl she is.  I love how I know she will protect me to the end.  I also know Jacob breaths a little easier knowing Lola is with me.

A Day in the Life of....

I am on day 4 since Jacob left.  I have had a really crazy summer since I went on break.  I know I don't have real kids, but my 5 kids needed some structure to their days.  A routine.  So I have tried for the past 4 days to get everyone into a routine that will work for me, and them. 

7:00 a.m. - Wake up.  At least this is when my alarm goes off.  The first 3 days Lucie woke me up closer to 6 a.m., but this morning we all made it until the alarm went off.

7:00 - 7:30 - Wii Fit Yoga/Strength train.  I have a routine that I do on the Wii.  Every morning for 21 minutes.

7:30 - 8:00 - Breakfast.  Watch the news.  The zoo gets fed too.

8:00 - 9:00 - Get ready.  Sometime this is just getting ready to go out.  Sometimes it includes some light cleaning around the house.

9:00 - Leave the house.  So far this week I have been able to have plenty to do, to get out.  This means all the animals go into the basement.  They have a full basement to have the run of while we are gone.  This is one of the things I want them to get in their routine.  I don't want this to take forever to do.  I want them to know when I open the basement door in the morning they all must go down.  This week Simon, and Lucie were the only trouble makers.  Today was much better than Monday, so we are making progress. 

The rest of the day I just get things done on my to do list.  I stop by my classroom each day, and just do a little at a time in there.  I am feeling pretty okay about how that is turning out. 

5:00 p.m. - Home.  Everyday I try to make sure to be home by 5.  This is a very doable time during the school year, so the animals all get fed around this time.  I have been trying to eat at this time too. 

The rest of the evening I get my workout in, do some heavier cleaning if needed, and I will try to take the dogs for a walk or to the park at least 2 nights a week.  I think during the school year this will be Mondays and Fridays. 

10:00 - In bed.  During the summer this doesn't mean I go to sleep, but I want them to get the idea what time bedtime will be.  Monday night the girls were a little crazy, but last night both of them were ready for bed when I was. 

This all might seem a little over kill for some of you, I mean like I said I don't have real children, but I am one who wants to make my life as easy as possible.  Holding down a full time job, a house, and everything that comes with it, a small zoo, and trying to keep up my personal training is a lot for one person.  Especially when I got a little used to having someone else to help with it all.  I think the Lord was looking out for me when he made Jacob's plans.  It is perfect.  I start out with around 2 weeks on my own, a little relief, a month alone, and then some relief, and so on... I have some time to practice before having to do it alone for a year. 

So far so good.  4 days down.....

First Olympic Race Report

So here is where I predicted what I would do....

And below is what I really did:

**For some reason I can't get my actual results.  I will post my actual times for each thing when I can get them.  

The Night Before:  I got my 3 large water bottles ready with fluids.  I can't take straight sugary drinks, so I had two water bottle with 1/2 G2 and 1/2 water.  My other bottle just water.  Those were in the freezer of the hotel fridge.  We had a big dinner of spaghetti, veggies, grain rolls, veggie salad, mash potatoes and chocolate cake.  I drank a lot of water.  I put on my number tattoos, and stickers on all the appropriate places.  I laid out all of my clothes, and I already had my transition bag ready. I drank 3/4 of a G2 20 oz blue drink. 

Wake Up:  The alarm went off at 5:30.  I got up and finished my G2 drink.  I ate a wheat deli thin with peanut butter, and finished getting ready.  Jacob pumped up my bike tires, and we checked out the hotel room.  We were close enough to walk to transition .

Set Up: We got to transition before 6:30.  I had plenty of time to set up my area.  I had a really good spot for my bike, it was the closest rack to the bike in and out.  I didn't have to walk my bike very far at all.  There were buses that took the races to the swim start.  It was a mile upstream from transition.  I had eaten an energy bar, and I took a chocolate gel 30 minutes before my drop in the water.

Swim: They put us in line number 1 - 1400.  I was number 1210.  The race actually started at 7:30 but I didn't get in the water until closer to 8:30.  We walked onto a floating dock, got in the water, and then hung on the side of the dock.  A volunteer typed in your number on the computer, and said go.  I was off.  I had thought there would be less swimmers around me, but I didn't freak out as badly as I have in past.  I did some side stroking, and just kept my heart rate down.  There were buoys every 100 meters so I started counting them.  When I got to 500 I celebrated in my head thinking I was 1/2 way.  I still wasn't putting my face in the water but the swimmers had thinned out, and I was doing a really strong back stroke.  When I got to 700 meters I then realized that I had to count 15 buoys not 10.  HA!  I think I did laugh out loud.  I just kept swimming.  I did have a mental battle, telling myself to put my face in the water and get some free stroking done.   I would put my face down in the water, and then come up for air,  and want to back stroke.  Around 900 ( I think I lost count...) the water got really choppy.  While I was back stroking water was pushing me backwards,  and I was pretty far from any other swimmer.  It was under all of the bridges when I thought the water started pushing me around.  When I thought I was at 1300 I finally forced myself to get my face in the water.  I was doing free style for almost 100 yards and ready to push hard through the rest, and I looked up and saw I had made it to the dock.  I must have miscounted so I had a really strong finish.  They pulled me up to another floating dock, and then I had to get up some stairs to transition.  When I got up the stairs I saw the Get Fit Atlanta cheering section, and gave them a fist pump!  I looked down at my watch and it said 37 minutes.  That is an AMAZING time!

T1: I jogged all the way to my transition.  I threw off my swim cap, and goggles.  I started eating 3 pieces of a shot block.  While I was chewing I wiped the grass off my feet and put on my socks and shoes.  I put an entire shot block, already opened, in my tri suit pocket.  Threw on my sunglasses, gloves, and helmet.  Grabbed my bike and away I went.  I think transition took 3 minutes.

Bike:  To start I was just spinning to see how my legs felt.  To my surprise they felt really good.  We had to go up an on ramp to the highway that we biked on.  Then the rolling hills started!  There were quite a few hills that were longer than 1/2 a mile to climb.  There were a couple hills that I was in my lowest gear going 6 mph, and I got up to 31 mph going down two of the hills.  I took some water/G2 mix almost every mile.  I finished 1 and 3/4 of the other bottle while out there.  I took 1/2 of my shot block at mile 7 and the other 1/2 right before mile 17.  I tried really hard to just stay in the moment and look around.  It was beautiful out in the hills.  I would say to myself I am at mile ___ and I am going ___ mph.  How do I feel?  I felt pretty strong for the entire bike.  Each hill I just took it one at a time.  I said you made it up the others, slow and steady wins the race.  I saw some Get Fit people on the other side of the highway.  It was just a boost to see them out there.  I met up with John Bips at the end of the bike and we ended the bike really strong.  I think the bike took around 2 hours. 

T2: I ran my bike in, and it was so close it was perfect.  I took off my helmet, and put on my headband.  I switched my shoes, and ate the other 1/2 of the shot block that was left.  I put a chocolate gel in my tri suit, and I was off.  This transition maybe took 2 minutes.

Run: I jogged out of transition, and kept jogging for a bit, but I didn't even make it a mile before I had to walk.  It was hot.  There were stairs, two sets, to go up at 0.4 of a mile.  I walked up the stairs.  I tried to give myself goals to run for.  Like run to that lamp post, start running at the blue bridge.  I felt like I did more walking than running, but my first few miles were around 11 minutes.  Between mile 2 and 3 there were ice and water hoses.  I was sprayed and placed ice all over.  They had wet, cold towels and I soaked my head with the water, and carried on.  I saw a lot of Get Fit people so that was encouraging. They were all headed back, but I just told myself I would finish. I walked through each water stop and took a cup of water.  I took my gel earlier tan I thought I would.  I chocked that down about mile 2.5.   Mile 3.2 was the turn around, and that's when I really struggled.  Mile 4 and 5 were the longest miles I have ever run.  It was so HOT, I felt like I couldn't get my breath to keep running, and my body was tired.  I knew I would finish, but I was really struggling.  Around mile 5 I finally told myself you will do it.  I jogged almost the entire way to the end. I did walk down the stairs, and up a small hill.  When I saw the finish line I did sprint, I told myself you will finish strong.  It was hard to force myself to speed up, but I finished strong! The run took about 1 hour and 15 I think.  Again I don't have the official results yet, so I am estimating.

FINAL TIME:  3 hours 45 minutes

 Overall I felt pretty strong during, and after this race.  It was my best swim to date.  I trained really hard for this race, and it really proved to help.  The heat index was around 104 degrees, so the heat was an issue for all racers.  I tried to fuel properly.  At the end of the race I felt exhaustion.  I didn't want to eat or drink, and my stomach was super upset.  I tried to take in some salty chips, and I drank some Powerade.  I didn't really feel better until I was changed, and eating some lunch at Cracker Barrel. 

This race wouldn't have happened without my support crew of family and friends.  Of course Jacob and Sara made a HUGE difference the day of.  Get Fit has given me the plan, the friends, and the motivation to really make this happen.  I love this group!  My next race is Acworth Womens Tri.  It is a sprint, and I did it last year, so it a lot less stress.  I am ready for it now!  I feel a huge sence of accomplishment with this step up in the racing world.  Who knows maybe a 1/2 Ironman is in the future! 

Here are my pics! 

5 Years

Well there you have it.  5 years in a picture.  Yesterday marked 5 years since Jacob and I had our church wedding.  I spent the morning just getting the house in order, and getting ready for my race.

Jacob got home out of drill earlier than first thought, so he was home by 4.  He came home with flowers and a card!  It was special.  I already technically had my anniversary gift, which was an anniversary band for the top of my engagement/wedding ring.  He had wanted to get my rings soldered together, so he had to tell me ahead of time.  He picked out a matching band to my wedding band, so it looks perfect.  It was a great gift!  I had Jacob open his card first, and when he did he laughed.  I soon found out it was because he had bought the same card.  The card did fit perfectly to how our first 5 years had gone.  More on that later....  He has the Harry Potter hard cover box set coming soon.  It got back ordered, so it didn't arrive in time.  I cooked a special dinner.  Now to those who know me, you know I don't cook, so that was a special event in itself.  The rest of the night was low key, as we just watched tv and rested.  The perfect night for both of us.  Well needed!

Now that it has been 5 years, we can look back and learn from our mistakes.  Marriage is not easy, and anyone who says differently I don't feel is in a good marriage.  5 years ago we moved in together for the first time, and we had to learn how to live in tiny (800 sq ft) space together.  I was finishing my undergrad, and working 3rd shift, Jacob was working 2 part time jobs.  Within 6 months of being newly weds we moved our entire lives 14 hours away from friends and family.  2 years into our marriage, and almost at a point we felt like Atlanta was becoming home, I fell very ill.  Almost 7 months of uncertainly, and mood swings.  It was a test for any marriage, especially one still so new.  I went back to school for my Masters, followed 4 months later with Jacob going to school for his Bachelors.  We were both full time students, while working full time jobs, and Jacob still in the Reserves.  While trying to keep our heads above the water, our relationship was put to the test.

I will not type here about how perfect our relationship is, as that is not true.  We have both made mistakes, but the thing about our relationship is that we are both willing to learn from our mistakes, and move forward.  We have had to work hard to be at the 5 year mark.  Neither one of us gave up, even when it would have been so much easier not to fight for love anymore.

We are where we are today because of the past.  I am not one to regret things, and I do not regret any of my actions these past 5 years.  I think our relationship is stronger because of the struggles.  We have been through sickness, and health, we have been richer, and poor, busy, and not so busy, happy, and sad, but underneath it all I can honestly say our love has withstood it all. 

I know when I saw the card, that I bought, it said pretty much that.  It is rare when you find a card that puts what you are feeling onto paper so adequately.  Then to find out Jacob felt the same way, and purchased the same card.  Wow.  I think for the first time in 5 years our love is at the same place.  This will most likely only last for a while, but we are on equal ground for now. 

The best part of the card was on the front it stated: Together Forever.  That was the title listed on our wedding slide show, 5 years ago.  Sweet love.

 Here's to the next 50!

I just couldn't get up

I was suppose to get up at 5:30 this morning so I could make Jacob some breakfast and tea before he took off.  I didn't sleep well.  That might even be an understatement.  I went to bed at 10 last night with Jacob.  Yet, I laid awake.  I finally feel asleep but I don't think I ever made it to the deep sleep I was wanting.  I kept waking up, moving around, I had some crazy dreams.  This happened all night long.  So when my alarm went off, I felt as if I couldn't move my body. 

So Jacob got up this morning, without me, and off to Warner Robbins he went.  I wonder if part of my issue getting up was that I knew I didn't have to get up.   Jacob has gone to drill a million times without me getting up.  I may have sub consciously thought if I didn't get up maybe he wouldn't leave. 

Either way he is gone.  This time for two days.  He will be back Friday night, and we will leave for my triathlon on Saturday.  He will go back on Monday.  It is a nice way to ease into a deployment.  Each time will get a little longer, with a few days in between. 

While I was cleaning my basement I went through and threw out a lot of old binders.  I somehow came across a packet of poems I had to write for a class. We had to write a poem for 7 different forms.  This class must have taken place during Jacob's first deployment.  Here is the only poem I felt was relevant. 

Jacob, wait  

Jacob, wait

That is what I wanted to say

What I wanted to yell

I wanted to say thanks for the macaroni and cheese

It was really great

You are a great cook

I wanted to tell you

But I couldn't

Jacob, wait

That is what I wanted to say

What I wanted to yell

This time together was great

Thanks for spoiling me

Being so supportive

That is what I wanted to say

It really meant a lot to me

Jacob, wait

That is what I wanted to say

What I wanted to yell

I love you, and will miss you

You are brave and I am so proud

I couldn't say what I wanted

My eyes welled up with tears

And I didn't want to make it harder for you

Jacob, wait

That is what I wanted to say

What I wanted to yell

As I got on my tiptoes for one last kiss

One last embrace

I turned around, and left

Walked through the doors and never looked back

I just couldn't.... I just couldn't...