What I Learned Going Without Hot Water

Within the military world it is common knowledge things will go wrong for the home spouse while their loved one is away.  It is never easy to hear a military spouse talk about the newest obstacle they are having to add to their lives, but it never surprises any of us.

We have had our fair share of strange events that happened while Jacob has been away.  My foot went through the floor near the back door due to wood rot, the fish tank sprang a leak, and three years later that same fish tank's electrical components caught fire.  Our dryer stopped working, our dog Lucie has ran away multiple times, and once had to have her stomach pumped due to her ingesting Goo-gone all while I was home alone. This time around I have had a run around that lasted 3 months to get my car's brakes fixed, found out Lola is dying and now have to keep track of her medicinal cocktails she has to receive twice a day, our 3 year old water heater's gas valve just went out for no good reason, and the same day the water heater was fixed we found a water leak coming from the roof in the dinning room.  

There are days I feel like tossing in the towel.  I often feel I can't do this all while teaching, and trying to keep the kids sane.  There are nights I have just sat on my bed and cried.  

But just like every thing in life, once it is over we are able to reflect and try to find out what it was life was teaching us.  

So here is what I learned from going almost two weeks with no hot water.

#1 - No hot water is a first world problem.  And I know that.  It is a luxury that I am thankful to have. Was it possible to live without hot water?  Yes, it is.  But we live in a first world country.  Where it is expected to have what I call first world hygiene.  I already consider myself very lenient with how often I shower (or don't shower) the kids, so without hot water I was definitely pushing an unspoken societal limit.  But I am aware that it is possible to live without hot water.

#2 - Mom is (still) always right.  In the middle of this whole ordeal my mom and step-dad came down for the holidays.  I was mortified to have people coming (family or not) to visit and I couldn't offer them even luke warm showers.   I was very stressed with them coming all while trying to fix the problem and all that was happening was a comedy of errors over the hot water situation, except I wasn't laughing.  The night mom arrived I found out the guy with the gas valve part (who had already stood me up twice at this point) had left to go to FL for a week, I felt completely defeated.  Mom sat with me at the kitchen table and asked "What time are you running tomorrow morning?".  I sat there mouth open, eyes wide with a quizzical look.  I couldn't go for a run.  After a run I have to shower.  At the time we were in a cold snap (of course it would be the coldest air temp of the year during this whole ordeal) and I couldn't go for a run.  I love warm showers after a cold run.  When I explained this all to mom, with a are-you-not-understanding-this-situation look and voice tone, she matter of factly said "Well whose house can you go to and shower?'.  I got working on finding a place to shower, and I went for a run.  And you know what?  Mom was right.  I felt so much more clarity after my run, and so much more human-like after the shower.

#3 - It takes a village.  Although I already knew this it just made it more clear.  So many people offered their houses, their time, their hot water, their paper products.  A week into this whole ordeal a mom friend showed up on my doorstep with her beautiful smile, and cards of encouragement collected from a bunch of moms I had done a Bible Study with.  Another friend dragged her sick child to be at my house to open the door so the handyman could get inside.  All of these acts of kindness shine through!  

#4 - This momma has got to take care of herself.  I think I am in a large group of mommas who when something goes off plan our first thought is to take care of the kids.  I did everything in my power to keep to schedule, keep meals on schedule, keep up with after school activities, and make sure to play, read, and tuck in the kids.  All while trying to make plans how they will shower, how long the dishes will take, and trying my best to keep them sheltered from the stress I felt was closing in.  And that is a lot.  A lot, a lot.  While we were house hopping for showers (which the kids thought was amazing by the way) I would shower them quickly, and then jump in and shower myself even quicker. Leaving no chance for me to decompress or have the few precious moments I normally savor all to myself.  Once I went for a run (which in itself made my feel more sane) then went to a friend's house to shower by myself I felt human once again.  Why wasn't that my first response?  Would my attitude of the situation have been different if I could had shifted my thoughts to what can I do to clear my head, instead of what can I do to make sure the kids don't feel the stress of this.  I think we all know the answer is yes.  I've got to remember that feeling I had after my own hot shower that followed my  run.  

I guess just like so many other things there is a lot to learn, and now being a week removed from that extra stress I can see it wasn't the end of the world.  I will take what I feel like I should have learned and move forward.  I mean we've got a while longer of this deployment, so let's see what the next fun adventure we will find ourselves on.

I am Strong Enough

I found myself running mid-afternoon on the Silver Comet Trail.  Three years ago I could have told you every mile marker and which landmark it coincided with, but as I drove to the trail I couldn't even remember how far I would have to run out for my mileage.  As I got parked I didn't feel nervous by any means, just strange.  This trail was such a large part of my weekly life just a few years ago, yet now I felt like I was stepping into a place that I didn't necessarily belong. 

As I took off, I started reflecting on the experience as a whole.  I was running, which I am trying to keep up with even with all the rest of the crazy in my life, but in all honesty running only takes place before 5am, from 4-5pm, or after 7pm, so to be out in the middle of the afternoon it was strange.  The further along the trail I found myself I realized the trail was the same.  Same tree stumps, same benches, same mile markers, same landmarks. 

But me.  I wasn't the same the girl who had plodded on this trail just three years ago.  I have had to change.  Some of it necessary.  Some of it survival.  Some of it for the good.  I have evolved.  Although I am doing the same activity I would have been doing on the trail 3 years ago, I am doing it as a different person. 

I  am not really sure why my thoughts took a turn like this.   I guess my brain deemed it okay to wander since I was in such a familiar place.  This time as a I could hear my feet pounding into the ground I reflected on all the changes the last three years have brought.  I am back in the classroom as a homeroom teacher.  I am about 10 lbs heavier than I was three years ago.  Both of my kids are in public school.  I can run a faster mile now than then.  I am struggling finding my balance while parenting without a partner.  I am figuring out how to go through a week without hearing Jacob's voice.  I am the animal mom of only 2 dogs and 1 cat, and I took down our Welcome to the Zoo plaque that had adorn our mantle for 8 years.  I have said yes to help in the last week more times than I had in a whole year three years ago.  I struggle to call myself a strong woman.  I stay up way later, and wake way earlier than the last time my shadow passed over the trail. And in full honesty, I cry a lot more. 

As  I stated above all of these changes are not all bad.  Rereading the previous paragraph actually makes me wonder if any of them are bad.

I made it to the turn around point in my run and the sun was hitting through the trees just perfectly.  I took a picture.  But of course the picture didn't capture even 100th of what I was actually experiencing.  The silence found in between so many trees.  The radiant colors of the leaves on the ground as we had just gone through a wet, cold spurt.  And the sun beams that literally made me feel their warmth as I ran through them.   But more importantly I felt a sense of strength rising up within me.

Maybe it was the slight downhill the trail takes on the way back to Mavel, or the energy I always get when I am heading to the "finish line", but I realized that although so much had changed, down deep, way down in there that same strong woman was there.  She is not hidden.  She is making herself known in a different way right now.  She isn't needed to be physically strong, but mentally at this time. 

I am strong enough to know I am a good teacher, and I will do my ultimate best for each one of my students.  I am strong enough to assume the extra 10lbs has got to be muscle.  I am strong enough to feel content in our children's education, and not feel stressed about where they might fall on the my-kid-can-do-this spectrum.  I am strong enough to know body will continue to get faster even if I have to sit the next couple months out.  I am strong enough to know my bond with Jacob is bigger than hearing his voice, and there is not such thing as balance, so why am I trying to act like I am chasing it.  I am strong enough to know all of our animals know how much they are loved and cared for, I never wasted a day with them. Not to mention I know I will sign myself up for another round of a Larkin Zoo.  I am strong enough to know I have to say yes to help right now.  I am strong enough to know when it is time to rest (although apparently I don't need as much as I did a few years ago) I will rest.  And I am strong enough to say out loud I am a strong woman who is able to cry and walk through the emotions that are draining me at that moment, so I can move forward when time permits. 

I don't know why a run in the middle of the day sparked all this in me.  And I don't know why it was on my heart to write it out on here.  But I will say putting it out there has helped me process through some what could be negative thoughts, and see I am exactly where I should be.  And three years from now I will look back and see how much has changed. And then when I dig down deep see how much really hasn't changed. 

I am strong enough. 

So Lonely

Deployments are a whole lot of lonely.  That is probably the hardest part of these ordeals for me, and honestly for most of the military spouses I know.  It is months upon months of not feeling connected to someone who is still alive, and you are very much in love with.  The loss of this connection leads to feeling alone.  Very alone.

I had not really felt this way for this deployment, until last week Saturday.

I found myself in the sterile room of an animal hospital.  I finally made the decision to take in our almost 13 year old lab-mix Lola into the emergency vet as she had not gotten up from our bed in 24 hours.  She also had not barked at all.  Not once.  If you know Lola you know that is sure sign something is wrong.

The loneliness hit me when the vet on call decided to take Lola to the back for an ultrasound.  I found myself in the room alone.  Some friends had graciously volunteered to take Cade and Ellee out to eat with them so I wouldn't have to deal with two young kids while waiting to get Lola seen.  And so when Lola left the room it was just me.

It was also just me when the doctor came back with the heart wrenching news that it wasn't good.  I sat there with my clasped hands, trying to stare forward while the doctor laid out the options.  Then she stopped.  She asked me if I needed some time to call someone.  I swallowed hard and explained my husband was gone, and couldn't answer his phone.  It was just me.  Just me.

Then I made a joke that I guess I will call my mom, because  that is who you call when you have no one else to call right?   The doctor and vet tech both politely laughed.  So that is what I did.  I called my mom and sobbed like a baby.

I have since made contact with Jacob, and the plan to move forward is in process.  We have and will take it day by day with Lola.  But we know her time is limited.  She is on high doses of meds and we celebrate each day we get with her.  She has been spoiled for the past week. Making such a hard decision that will effect our family with no one to connect with, was really, is really hard.  Lost in my own thoughts I felt paralyzed.  Just so lonely.

After all of that sent my world spinning, I had a wonderful evening where I was celebrated as the Atlanta Public Schools Elementary Teacher of the Year.  It was a well planned, beautiful celebration, but it felt a little amiss without Jacob.  I have been so lucky to have him as a teacher-husband.  His support for me to stay after school when needed, understanding when I have to go in early, not say anything when he finds I have stolen items from home, and he whole-heartily goes along with anything I volunteer him for which is school related.  He deserved to be there too.  Instead I drove myself.  And then drove home alone.  The whole thing just felt like someone was missing.  A little lonely.

And the big wham at the end of this week was my immune system finally gave in to all the stress and the change in the weather and I got a cold.  When all I wanted to do these past two days was sleep, I had to wake with the kids, make breakfasts, and then make sure they at least were safe within the house as I tried to rest.  And no one was here to share my wallows with.  So overall I have just felt lonely.

But in all this there are shinning stars that have helped me.  My co-teacher who we literally met 2 months ago has become a fast friend, support, and someone who goes above and beyond to help me at school.  My ESOL team mates took time out of their personal evenings to support me at my celebration on Tuesday.  And the great friends who have helped out by picking Cade and Ellee up from school, and taking them at all odd hours to make my life a little easier.  So thank you to everyone who is out there supporting the stateside Larkins!

A friend of mine texted me "You've had a bit of chaos the past several weeks".  Although I never would have wanted to describe what we have been through in the last week chaos, it seems to fit what we have been living perfectly.

And yet in all this chaos, I can't help but feel really lonely.

All That Extra Time

My biggest concern with Jacob being gone for so long was all that "alone" time.  Over here in the Larkin household our alarms go off super early in the morning.  Which means both of my kids are in bed by 7:30 on a school night.  Now this is for two purposes.  The first of course is to make sure they get plenty of sleep so they can function in the real world appropriately.  The second reason originally happened so that I had some time to myself and/or as a couple after Cade was born.  And the schedule seemed to work well for us so we have continued it.   Watching junk TV, talking about the budget and schedules, and just having some down time after 7:30pm  became a special part of the day. Even if Jacob wasn't here, it was just a time for me to recharge. 

But what if that time is not ever with another adult?  For a long time?  A kinda really long time.

So in set one of my worries. What would I do with all that extra time?

Well as life has a way of filling time, two weeks ago I changed positions at my school.  Same school.  Same hallway. New room. New students. 

And all of a sudden I have had plenty to fill my time. 

To top off the school change I had pre-arranged for Cade and Ellee to go to Michigan for a week.  They have a "fall" (yes it is technically fall, but with our 90 degree weather as of late it sure doesn't feel like it) break and my school district doesn't.  So I concocted this genius plan to arrange for the kids to spend the week in Michigan family hopping.  And, they are there right now.

But as I drove away from the drop off location last Sunday it dawned on me I haven't been away from the kids for more than 3 days, and when I was away I was with Jacob.  But this time I was alone.  For 6 days.  Completely alone. 

Tonight is the first night I feel caught up.  I feel caught up with home items.  I feel caught up with school things.  I feel caught up with my emotions.  The silence is hard.  I haven't had silence like this for 7 years. 

I feel okay.  I feel like I am on the other side of silence struggle.  On the other side of the fear of what I should do with the extra time. 

I had told my family to give me until the end of September to get it all together.  To not only adjust to the physicality of our new schedule, but also to the new feelings that accompanied this new routine.

Well I have 5 more days.  5 more days to get through the adjustment period.  5 more days to my self proposed deadline.  5 more days to figure out how I want to spend all that extra time.

I am sure I will find ways to fill it.  I don't know why I worried myself in the first place.  The silence isn't all bad.  And neither is having extra time.

Day 1

It started very early in the morning.  Report time was 4:30a at the Atlanta airport.  That meant we were all up and getting ready well before that.

We had moved through the "last day together" in what seems like a haze now.  My emotions had been on a roller coaster, and yet to my surprise the day seemed to be like any normal day.  We got up. We ate breakfast. We did yard work.  The kids played nicely with LEGOs. The kids argued over LEGOs.  The kids went down for quiet time.  I did school work, while Jacob finished packing downstairs.  We went out for dinner. It was at that point our conversation kinda fell silent.  At what is normally a very talkative time for me, the "last day together" dinner was just, quiet.  Quiet because what was there to say?  We had been working up this point for months.  Everything was done.  Everything had been said.  There were no more days.  The conversation couldn't really consist of our plans for the next day, the next week, or the next month.  I mean can you really talk about all things Jacob would be missing out on and keep the mood light?!   So it was just silent.  We drove home from dinner.  The kids watched their cartoon.  Jacob read the kids a nighttime book. And we went to bed.  Because 3am is pretty early.

Here is what he took with him

And 3am came.  We got up.  Jacob packed the car.  I woke the kids, got them dressed, and we loaded ourselves in the car.  We drove to the airport.  Most of this was silent.  Cade was too tired to be mindlessly chatting like he normally is, and Ellee could feel the mood.  The mood called for silence.  We parked.  Jacob carried his two duffel bags, and I assisted by carrying his backpack into the North terminal.  We met up with some of the guys who were already there.  We took a few pictures, and then he walked us outside to say a last goodbye.

These goodbyes are so awkward.  Or at least I am not good at them.  They never get easier.  Everyone is always looking.  The guy in the Army uniform.  The tear stained, red-faced wife.  Some can't stop looking.  Others avert their eyes.  It is a few last kisses, and then someone has to walk away.  And as you walk away, you have to be brave enough not to look back.

I took one kid's hand in each of my hands and we walked forward.  We didn't look back.

I paid for our parking. We got in the car.  And drove home.  It was 5:05am when we got home. 

I wanted to post something. Something to just express a small portion of what was going on inside me.    We had taken a picture of the four of us posed and smiling.  But then I found the picture that Cade had taken.  We were not ready when he took this picture.  For most purposes I deemed this a mistake photo.  At first I hated it, and actually deleted it.  It was too raw.  I hate my crying face.  Neither Jacob nor I looked good.  But in the same breath I couldn't post the smiling face, family of four picture either.  I was not in that place yet.  So I went to my deleted folder and recovered the tear-stained, red-face wife with her husband dressed in his Army uniform looking solemn and wrote the lyrics to a song that put into words my feelings better than I could at this point.  Post.

Then the kids and I got started with our day.  We ate breakfast while watching the LEGO Ninja movie.  I did two loads of laundry.  A load of dishes.  Some school work. I teared up constantly.  We went for an early morning walk.  And we just went on with the day.

Day 1 could have been any other normal day.  Except.  Except for the mood of the day.  That solemn tone of silence kind of mood.

A Whole Lot of Nothing

We were blessed with an unexpected 2 weeks with Jacob home. 

These extra two weeks have been filled with a whole lot of nothing.  Nothing because we are ready.  We have been ready.  So we have done a whole lot of nothing. 

No showers.  I 'think' the kids had showers 4 days ago.  Maybe. 

No routine bedtimes.  You go to bed at 8.  You go to bed at 9:30.  You go to bed whenever.

No limits on movie with dinner.  Snuggling up on the couch with a movie is an all time favorite for these Larkins.  So we have watched movies on school nights, on weekends, during the afternoons.  We have also watched an entire season of Worst Cooks in America, another favorite show of the Larkins. 

Very little cooking at home.  Jacob has made it very clear all the foods he will miss while gone.   While the chow hall has done him well in the past, there are certain foods he is sure he will miss. So why not have that almost every night.  And why waste time in the kitchen when we can all go out or have it delivered so we can just spend all the time together. 

Nothing off our Before-J-Leaves-List. Because it is all done. 

We are ready.  We did exactly what the Army is known for.  We hurried, and stressed, and rushed, just to now wait. 

We have taken these past two weeks to make sure we have nothing to regret.  I can not stress enough how important these couple of weeks have been. 

And there is nothing I would change. 

We Gave Up

We gave up on the countdown.  The date for the final goodbye has been very elusive.  It has changed.  It has gone back.  It changed again. 

So we just stopped counting down. 

The day will come.  Soon. Or sometime.  Eventually.   

And then in all this back-to-school-deployment-nonsense, we lost our youngest cat Greg.  Just when I was pretty sure my emotional bucket was already overflowing, bam.  We are now a one cat household.    I am still working through those emotions myself. 

Not even too much more to write.  Just know if I lose my patience with you. It is not you.  If you see me lost in my thoughts.  It isn't you.  Just me.  Me trying to sort through some really tough emotions.  Me trying to fight through the desire to scream as I have so little control over any of it.  Just me trying to support two sad littles who lost their cat and are preparing to say goodbye to their daddy. 

But at least we gave up on the countdown.  So at least there's that. 

We will miss you Gregory George. 

Mood Swings

The kids and I just got back from what we are calling the "Epic Roadtrip of 2019".  Mostly epic because, unlike previous years, we added on Washington DC as a stop for our summer trip which rotates through all of the grandparents.  Cade and Ellee got to check off a few states they had never traveled to, and Cade loved everything about Washington DC.  He had learned about the monuments in school and knew exactly what he wanted to see, and thanks to Aunt T who watched Ellee for the morning,  him and I were able to spend 5 hours just walking around DC and having ice cream for lunch.  The kids did amazing, and both are great travelers.  They have a real desire for travel and enjoy it so much!  

But while on our epic roadtrip I had two pretty big mood swings.  While I drove the 12 hours home I really reflected on why these moods came out of nowhere, and why I allowed them to affect me to such an extent.  

First thing I came to understand, these swings didn't come out of nowhere.   Traveling with two "young-ish" children alone, for many hours, many days, and sharing a room and car the whole time, I think I am allowed to feel some suffocation.  But the big factor was the Army.  If you haven't dealt with the Army, my own personal opinion is that they are unorganized, and no one can make a decision, which are two of my biggest pet peeves.  I have little tolerance for that sort of behavior, and would normally take means to change my chance of interactions with such situations.  But with the Army I am stuck.  So when Jacob texts yet another change in our plans, it can get to be frustrating.   Because most of the time it will change again.  And maybe even again.  I can normally take these changes in stride, but we are running out of time.  Every moment has to be used to the fullest.  We can't take any time we are given together for granted.  

So when Jacob texted to tell me he will be sent for another training during a time we thought we would have him home...my mood changed.  

The second thing I recognized from my reflection time was that every time our time together is adjusted I go through the stages of grief.  But I don't have days to go through the phases. So I am condensed to a mere few hours to try and make sense of what is happening.  Hence the mood swings.  Trying to process it all is so overwhelming. 

The stages of grief for me

1. Denial and isolation - I don't want to believe what I am reading.  No way.  The Army wouldn't do this to us.  Just leave me alone. I need to think this through.

2. Anger -  I can't be alone.  The kids are always here.  I need to do the next thing I promised the kids we would do.  Don't let the kids see me angry.  But I am angry.  We only have so many days left.  How dare they take him away.  I am so angry for the kids.  They will miss out on so much time already, and now more.  

3. Bargaining - I start texting Jacob back.  Is he sure? Are these dates set in stone? Can you not go to this training, and switch it for that training?  It isn't fair they take you for this, so that means you will tell them you won't do this.  Jacob types back.  There is no bargaining with the Army.  I stare at my phone.  Defeated.  

4. Depression- This is when my mood swing is most noticeable.   My normal bubbly attitude is  just sad.  I have been told my eyes darken, and I don't smile doing things with the kids like I normally do.  All I want to do is go to bed and sleep.  I want to escape the kids.  I want to put on movies so they will leave me alone.  Life isn't fair.  I seek a lot of un-interrupted time looking at the calendar.  Tears welling up in my eyes as I move things around on the schedule, and delete other events that just won't happen anymore.  

5. Acceptance -  The calendar is changed.  The things we don't get to do, we won't do.  This is only a small part of our lives.  We are strong and will survive.  The kids will never know the difference.  Jacob doesn't want to go anymore than we want him to go.  So here is our new schedule.  At this point I can change my outer attitude to a more relaxed and calm state.  I can enjoy what is happening in the now again.  

During our trip this happened 2 times.  The first one I described above.  They are taking him away for more time.  But then towards the end of our trip, they did the opposite.  He was sent home early.  And we weren't at home yet. Jacob was home, while I had the kids away from him after finding out we had less days than we thought.  And now I felt because of me I was " keeping the kids away".  I broke down.  I cried.  I was so frustrated.  Jacob was home and we were not.  

After a heart felt emotional conversation with Jacob it was decided I would finish the trip with the kids and return 3 days later as planned.  It was such a hard decision.  But in the end it was the right one.  I think.  

During the car ride home I decided to give myself some grace.  I would extend grace to anyone else in this same situation.  I wouldn't expect them to apologize for being a little standoffish as they are lost in their own thoughts.  I wouldn't fault them for their red rimmed eyes from too many sleepless nights, and tears that come up at a drop of a hat.  I would hug them and tell them it was okay.  It is all normal.  And I was lucky.  I was with my sister, and a childhood friend who is amazing.  They both love me, mood swings and all.   I owe myself at least the same positive thoughts I would extend anyone else.    

We are home now, and Ellee is so happy.  Her favorite place is right in between Jacob and I when he is home from work.  And I have to remember that is why I work through every one of these emotions.  Cade and Ellee deserve their best mommy and best daddy.  And that, in the end, is all I am trying for.  

I am walking into a time in my life where it is going to be crazy.  Another school year is starting.  Time is short with Jacob. I owe myself some grace.  

As Long As They Are Alive

Since last week Cade was "impaled" right under his ribs so nothing to protect his organs, by his bike handle bars, Ellee's foot swelled so taunt we finally went to the doctor after a mystery bug bit the back of her leg, and Cade forgot his desk drawer was open and scraped 6 inches of skin off his back...but, BUT we have had dinner at the table every night. 

You win some, you lose some.  

When we first found out we were pregnant with Cade (well baby Pat back then), we were sitting on the edge of the bed in disbelief.  Both scared, I remember telling Jacob there was no 50/50, it was either 100/100 or we weren't doing it.  He looked at me and in maybe not these exact words he said, as long as the kid is alive everyday we are doing something right.  

With the bar set pretty low for our parenting journey I can say we have succeed up to this date and time.  Some days harder than others.  Both kids have been under sedation for pretty serious surgeries before they were two.  We have shown up at urgent care more times that I can count.  And Ellee's whole vision debacle, you know she couldn't really see anything...close up or far away for the first three years of her life.  And yet I can think back to the first real parenting conversation we ever had and think, we must be doing something right?!

Jacob has been gone a lot.  For long periods of time.  And we aren't even to the "really long time", as we are calling it yet.  Ellee started this year asking for Jacob every night he was gone. She doesn't ask every night anymore.  Today at her PreK, yup you read that right Pre-K, orientation she told her teachers daddy isn't here because he is at work.  Not like they asked her about where her dad was, she just blurted it out as soon as the words hi came out of their mouths. She did it three separate times.  Clearly she is missing her daddy.  I didn't correct her, or go into any explanations. We have a written letter we will be giving their teachers when he does officially deploy, but before that their teachers may actually see him, so no reason to confuse anyone.   

Cade seems unchanged.  Overall no behavior abnormalities.  He talks about how he can't wait to build this with daddy, or show this to daddy.  He is constantly bringing me my phone to text daddy when I am struggling with anything.  I mean clearly daddy knows and can do all, even from over the phone.   He can count on the calendar how many days before Jacob is back, which he does every morning.  And when Ellee asks anything about her dad he always responds "Ellee, (insert a sigh sometimes) he is gone with the Army".  Every time.

Me?  Jury is out.   Of course missing my partner in crime, but also capable of getting stuff done. The kids and I have had a great mix of being productive, getting errands done, cleaning, crossing things off to-do lists, and having fun.  I have had a decent ability to talk with Jacob throughout the week, so that has been very helpful!  Sometimes it is after the kids go to bed, but at least it is something.  It has been a great summer overall.    

We are gearing up for big trip ourselves.  It is the last big bam of summer.  Cade and Ellee start back to school August 1st, so we will be coming back just in the nick of time in a couple weeks.  

I have a pretty good feeling I can keep up my end of the bargain and keep the kids alive each day.  But what about their spirit?  What about their emotional health?  Maybe if I focus on our first and only goal, everything else will fall into place.  

Dinner is the Hardest

Dinner is the hardest.

I love our family dinners.  Most nights myself and Jacob are home in time for dinner.  It is a time we get to talk about all that we did during the day.  We accidentally kick Lola, who is flopped under the table between both kids' chairs.  The kids chime in with stories of their own.  We laugh a lot.  We do a devotion.  We shoo Lucie away from the table who is trying to sneak some "human food" while we are distracted by a spill or serving seconds.   We undoubtedly roll our eyes at Ellee telling us what she doesn't like even though she hasn't even tried it.  We will discuss what the rest of the evening will entail, or what we are looking forward to later in the week.  And we will have to remind Cade multiple times his knees are not welcome at the table.  I just love this part of our day.

But it is so hard when I am the only adult.

Yesterday I cried.  I cried a lot actually.  Not sobbing, besides myself crying, but the tears welling up as I try my hardest open my eyes wide enough to make the tears go back where they came from.  While trying to hide my face Ellee very excitedly ran up to me and said "come mommeeeee Cade is doing magic".  She had a huge smile on her face.  I took a deep breath, willed the tears away, and followed her out the kitchen where Cade put on his performance.

We are not in the deployment yet.  We have only started another training.   But this time Jacob left for training while my mom and step-dad were still here.  So my mind and body stayed busy with them here.  But yesterday we dropped Grandma and Grandpa Gilly off at the airport and drove home.  To an empty house.  To quietness.  To a lot of opportunity for my mind to wander.

The afternoon went per usual.  But then we got to dinner time . And it seemed like such a hurdle.  I cooked dinner, but then the thought of sitting at what seemed like a very empty table was just so overwhelming.  What more can I say to the two who I spent all day with?  And how much of a conversation can a 6 and 4 year old carry?

So I called it.

I brought out the t.v. trays, plated up dinner, and turned on a movie.  Of course both Cade and Ellee think I am the best mom ever, but I worry this will become more of a routine as move forward.  I want to keep the tradition of family dinner, but can I? 

I know I can.  Or at least I feel like I can.  It was just so hard last night.

Disney

When we started planning our 2019 Disney trip, a year ago, we had no idea how perfectly timed it would be.  Anytime we plan a vacation it is with the risk and understanding Jacob may be called away for either the Army or the police.  He will do everything he can to attend, but a good majority of the time we have to change our plans, or he has to do only part of the trip. But somehow those 10 days, the longest trip we have ever taken as a family of four, fit right in between all of his trainings and before the deployment.  And wow, did we need those 10 days.  

I know Disney isn't for everyone, but as someone who loves the whole atmosphere of awe, wonder, and magic it is a very special place for me.  And then to experience Disney with young children it almost becomes indescribable.  To watch Ellee, whose eyes lit up and she was turning her head back and forth during the It's A Small World ride made my heart flutter.  To help Cade process through new, and scary to him, rides and then walk off of the rides and he would tell me " I kinda liked one part of that" (which is a total win for that guy) made my heart skip a beat.  And we got to experience it all together.  

The kids got to pick who they wanted to ride rides with, who they would walk with, who would pick them up, who would push the stroller, who they would share their sweet treat with, whose hand they would hold, mommy or daddy.  Mommy or daddy.  They got a whole straight 10 days, uninterrupted, of mommy and daddy.  

I tend to cry easily, which is a surprise to most people.  My tears button is a little on the sensitive side so tears find themselves in my eyes often.  And this trip was no exception. I cried while we were waiting in line for a character and I saw how "big" Ellee looked.  She was standing in line, talking with her cousins, taller than I remembered, and she was smiling sooooo big. Tears. After answering Cade's 100th question about the Haunted House he said "I guess I can do this".  Tears.  We went on the ride Soarin' and as we "flew" over the Serengeti I looked over at Ellee and she had her hands up and she was squealing "We are part of the movie mommy".  Tears.  Cade's excitement after riding  The Living Land ride, which is a calm educational boat ride in which you learn about farming and using the land for good, and I realized those are his kind of rides.  Tears.  Watching both the kids with eyes large and mouths slightly ajar during the end of the day Magic Kingdom firework show.  Tears.  

I lived in the moment for most of the trip.  Forgot about the future we are walking into.  We went into vacation mode, and didn't give much thought to life outside of what was happening in the next few moments. 

But now that we are home the thoughts are whirling in my mind.  The sadness that Jacob will be missing out on those sorts of events.  The thoughts of how many moments the kids will have memories of but their dad won't be in them.  Who will I secretly roll my eyes with when Cade asks another question about the ride's safety?  Who will help me remove Ellee when her hanger has caused her to lose her mind in a restaurant?  And then my mind wanders to if I can do any of this alone?  

This trip was so well planned.  This trip gave me the strength I needed to remember I can do it.  I will be able to share with Jacob all of the moments that happen every day, even if I forget a few of them along the way.  The kids will still be connected to their dad because we have been so intentional up until this point, and will continue to be while he is away.  These memories, these whole 10 days, will serve us all so well as we go into the future.  

That is Kinda What it Feels Like

Have you ever made a big move?  You know that point in the move when you have packed up most of the stuff you don't really use, but you still need to function in the house so the "essentials" are out?  But then all of a sudden, before you are ready for it, the moving truck is in your driveway, most of the boxes are out in the truck, and you look around and there is stuff left? Everywhere.  So you grab a box, or a bag, or anything that can hold something and start a mad dash going around the house grabbing anything that is left and throwing it in said item holder? And this almost always happens past the time that you wanted to be out of the house.

That is where we are in our journey.

Or at least that is the closest I can come to trying to help non-military understand the atmosphere that surrounds us right now. 

It kinda feels like that.

We had a "soft" deadline to have everything on the "To-Do-Before-J-Leaves" list completed before we leave for Disney World.  We leave Thursday. 

We are now re-evaluating the list, which is really evaluation number 106, to see what really, really, really needs to get done. 

We have done a great job overall.  Most of our Army paperwork has been updated, uploaded, and copied.  We spent a morning on the base covering "our bases".  We got the big items out the way.  Could I take down Ellee's toddler bed (which used to be her crib), and build a new bed, and lug mattresses upstairs?  Sure.  Is that something I want to have on my list while trying to do it all in the Fall?  Nope.  Same with the ailing tree in the front yard.  Well, mother nature actually helped move us along on getting that taken care of when she split it and dropped it on our front yard.  But all of the the trees, front and back, have been trimmed back or taken down.   Something I won't have to have in the back of my mind after I start my school year.  Oh, and I learned how to cut the animals nails.  This task will prove to be difficult for me I think. 

The last two days have met us here in Georgia with rain.  We need the rain actually, but that didn't mean it didn't mess up a few of our plans.  But it also forced us to look at the to-do list and prioritize.  We actually accomplished quite a bit around the house.  Jacob takes care of so much that I never even give a second thought to, except now, I will have to.  Who does the gutters?  Who do I contact to get my car worked on?  Who do we use for plumbing?  Where do we keep the oil for the lawn mower?  We went through his desk (which is really a large corner desk, taking up like 1/8 of our basement, perfect for gaming or so he says).  We organized it, and put paperwork in places I can find.  I may not even mind using that area to do some of the house work that will need to be done.  We reorganized the tool bench area too.  I am capable of home improvement but have been spoiled for so long not having to do really any of it.  I now feel secure in being able to find most of the tools I will need. 

The moving analogy came to me while we were taking bags upon bags out of the house.  Some to the trash, most set out for donation. We have made two trips to Goodwill in the last two days, plus multiple other organizations if we knew they could use some of this stuff.   As I loaded a bag full of random stuff I was taken back to the moment of panic as Jacob and I were moving out of our first apartment together which was in Kalamazoo, Michigan and we were set out for Atlanta, Georgia.  We had rented a U-Haul and took everything out and it was getting dark, and cold (it was Michigan), and I was going around the house frantically throwing whatever was left in a large trash bag.  We, of course, were running over an hour behind when wanted to be on the road.  And I thought that is kinda what it feels like.

We are frantically trying to finish the to-do list and we are already behind.  It is no longer happening in a linear, organized fashion, but a throw it all in and we will sort it out when it is over.

Yeah.  That is kinda what is feels like. 

Happy Tears

Just like that May is done.  As a teacher, and a mom of school age kids, I have to say I am so thankful.  To top May off I was sick three separate times.  I do believe the multiple sickness were due to me getting strep throat May 1st, and then never resting long enough for my weakened immune system (pesky blood disorder) to fully recover.  Just today, June 1st, I am actually feeling like my normal Amanda self.  Almost ready to start back my running, but Jacob is keeping me home for a couple more days. 

Teachers are done down here in Georgia (sorry Michigan friends and family teachers), which opened up my schedule immensely.  This is a phenomenon I always tend to forget until I am living it again.  Although the large elephant still sits in the living room, I feel like we are managing our time and my heart is currently full on quality time! 

I have been posting a lot about our 19 in 2019 list on the social medias.

This is a sort of family bucket list we started doing last year with 18 for 2018.  Everyone gets to put items on the "wish list", and then we do the best we can to cross them all off.  Only rule is we all have to be together for it to count.  All 4 of us.  This was an important rule as many would be shocked at the little amount of time we actually get as all 4 of us (Team Larkin as we refer to it), due to my school hours (and I admit I probably did a whole lot extra this past year, I am scaling back for this coming school year, I promise), Jacob's odd police hours (yup, cops work most holidays, extra shifts during busy times for the city, big example- Superbowl...yeah we barely saw him, and weird hours and weekends), and then add in his military commitments.  You all get the picture.  When we made our 19 for 2019 list this year, we had a pretty good indication that Jacob would be deployed at some point.  However, we didn't know specifics (honestly until he is on the plane you don't know specifics with the military), so we went into the list as if we had all year.   We have committed to getting it done, or as close as we can. 

When I am stressed I make lists.  Then I make lists to add to the lists.  And then I probably break down each task on the list on a separate list. Then I put it in the calendar.  Of course it is color coded.  All that for another post.  As of right now every 2019 item is completed, or on the calendar, except the 12 date nights.  I think we will finish with around 8 date nights, but those are hard to squeeze in when we already go to a couples small group (almost weekly) and attend counseling twice a month, both of which we decided not to count as dates.  But we could...

Oh, and the kayaking.   Very sad, but Ellee has to be 5 years old, and she is just 4, and not even close to the suggested weight so I called a defer until next year on that one.  We have some ideas up our sleeves and Colorado is on our radar for next summer so that would be an awesome deferment. 

But in the last couple days we completed:

#13 - 500 Piece Puzzle (Ellee pick)
The kids love puzzles and they can do a 100 piece puzzle in less than 30 mins.  They asked for something a little harder.  We picked a Disney themed one so we could have fun seeing the characters they will be visiting in just a few days!!  Low and behold there are not that many Disney 500 piece puzzles, so the one we ordered (from somewhere in Asia), came with almost see-through pieces that were 1 cm long. You read the right.  1 centimeter.  Although one might think the size and the clear pieces would be an issue, the only real hard part was that we all had to be together to work on it.  Aside from Cade's face in the completed photo they really did enjoy it.  We finished on a Friday afternoon, and man, oh man, both our kids are so beat by Fridays we actually do early bedtimes most Fridays.  Hence, his mood for the picture...

#15 - Ice Skating (Cade pick)
Although Cade was thinking about the outdoor ice skating rink in Marietta Square when he added this to the list he is aware why we had to settle for an indoor ice rink at the end of May.  Both kids had great attitudes going in, and Ellee was determined to never take a break, no matter how many times she fell.  And she fell.  A lot.  And hard.  But that girl figured out how to get herself back up, eventually could get herself back to the side to "catch" herself, and she was skating pretty fast by the end.  Cade a little more cautious (as with most of life for him) he hung onto the wall for quite a while.  Once he fell and realized it was okay to fall and get back up he became much more confident.  He too was pretty sturdy by the end.  Jacob fell right back into old habits and could really pick up speed when Ellee  would let him go around by himself.  He ended up on the ice only twice, and both times he was taken out by Ellee. I got one of the times on film (is that the phrasing here?!?!).  I also peed myself a little laughing so hard.  I didn't pick up as much speed as Jacob on the rink, but I fell right back into skating pretty easily.  I was surprised how quickly I was able to spin, turn, and skate backwards (which made me a rockstar to both Cade and Ellee)! 

  

#14 - Visit an Aquarium (Jacob pick)
This was suppose to be a "new to us" aquarium, but that wasn't how we wrote it down...so a visit to the Georgia Aquarium right here in Atlanta was a good compromise.  Cade and Ellee both said they didn't remember the last time we had visited, and honestly they have made so many good changes to our aquarium I was happy we revisited.  We did the early morning on a Friday, so it wasn't super crowded as it had been when we visited before.  And the dolphin show is a great add on!  Everyone had a great day, and Jacob just loves being with his fish. 

  

#17 - Family Art Project (Cade Pick)

This pick was also originated by Cade who wanted do some sort of "snow" art with everyone so we called it Family Art.  But he couldn't tell us exactly what he wanted.  So we showed him a lot of pictures (not snow related to help move away from that specific idea) on Pinterest and he picked a letter string art.  We totally winged the whole thing.  And I think it turned out pretty cool.  Each of us picked a color we wanted to represent us, Jacob - Green, me - pink, Cade - Blue, Ellee - Purple (only because the kind of string we picked didn't have rainbow).  The whole project did take over an hour, and we took a break for dinner, mostly because the two adults were having back issues from being bent over for too long, but I love, love, love the finished product! We put the date on the back, all signed our names, and it is up on the mantle.  I love it!  

I have to admit putting the time in to get these items accomplished has really helped me mentally prepare for what is coming.  There are actual moments I completely forget our time as a team of 4 will be put on hiatus for a little while. I also think these memories are going to help the kids move through the longest period they have been without their dad.  And if I were being completely honest that is my biggest fear this time around.  I know I can do it.  But can I support two littles through it too?  All of these thoughts will be left for another time as right now I will push the tears welling up in my eyes away for a little longer.  These past couple of days have felt so special I won't allow the fears of tomorrow creep in.  

The In-Between

The month of May can do it in for many.  I am feeling the pressures.  The end of school brings on a multitude of redundant paperwork required by the Federal Government, as my ESOL (English for Speakers of Other Languages) teacher position is regulated by the Department of Education, then added to the fun of another school year ending I am moving classrooms (again) so I am trying to embrace the idea that my last few days of classes will be happening while I teach out of boxes. 

 Oh, and did I mention I have a son finishing Kindergarten.  Yup. Kindergarten done. 

Then there are the three of us in the house that are preparing to embark in what is our favorite time of the year, Summer Break.  Both Cade and Ellee, separately, announced summer was their favorite, which made this sun worshiping, flip flop loving, only want to wear tank tops and shorts mom's heart sing! 
But then there is the

deployment.

For a while it has been looming over us, almost like the large elephant in the room, but not in a way that we don't talk about it.  In a way that we all see it, but it won't move so we have to walk all around it while still trying to hold down regular life. 

I call this time "the inbetween"

We are so desperately trying to do exactly what everyone tells us we should do, which is "enjoy the family time that we have now".  And we want to. 

But we also have to be preparing for a very long extended amount of time where we won't be a complete family.  And what does that look like.  And what needs to be done to make sure I can do this alone. 

We started a Have-To-Do-Before-Jacob-Leaves list.  And for the most part we will knock off one or two things a week, but then, through more future pondering we find ourselves adding five more every week.  This Google Keep list is currently running with 16 items.

Jacob just returned from training #2 out of 3 before deployment and when he returned it hit us hard.  We have a lot smaller of an amount of time left.  Every time he goes, he goes for longer times, and when he returns our time is less than it was before.  And although I think we both understand the physics of what is taking place, it is harder and harder to grasp. We are running out of time left. 

Left to get the 2019 Bucket List complete. 

Left to prepare the kids.

Left to get the to-do accomplished.

Left to enjoy all of us together.

On one hand we are living so big right now we have scheduled ourselves a little thin.  Then on the other hand we are so stressed out about the remaining time we just stare blankly at the wall, unable to even start the first thing on the list.  We are living in "the inbetween".

When I mentioned to my mom how we were starting to stress about getting it all done she said "Well time marches on".  And on it will. 

Just don't mind me.  The one trying so desperately to hang on to every last moment, but trying so hard to be prepared for the future.  The one living in the "inbetween". 

Put a Rush on It

There are a few reasons I came back to this blog.

1 - The last post was early 2017.  Um.   Well a lot has changed in 2 years.

2 - The title is A Day in the Life of and well, most really have no idea what is it is like to be a Larkin as of late

3 - We have some news.

We need to put a rush on our 2019 Bucket List.  We are trying very hard to get all 19 items checked off for our 2019 year list, but we are aware our 2019 year together is running short.

Jacob is being deployed.

→Let's start with some rules.  Not my rules, but Federal Military rules.  Due to Operational Security (OpSec for short) there are a few, okay a lot, of rules we have to follow to ensure the security of all of our troops. There will be no specific dates put online.  There will be no references to where in the world he is.  I will not mention the company in which he is deploying with unless it is posted by the government first.  Any mention of any of the above in a comment will be deleted as soon as I see it.  Not because I don't appreciate your comments, but because of OpSec. So let's work together to keep our soldiers safe and not post any of that stuff anywhere on the "medias" ←

Rules done.

I have been holding back on blog posts for a while for about as many reasons as I knew I needed to write one.  The biggest reason was that putting it out there means it is really happening.  Other people will know about it.  They will ask me about it.  I will have to face it head on.  But in all honesty that is exactly why I need to write about it.  I need others to know about this.   I need others to ask me about it.  I need to move through the emotions.

So what now.  Since I am finally out of the "toddler" phase of mothering (can y'all believe I shop in the "big kid" sections for my kids clothes) my physical exhaustion is down, which allows for my creative/writing energy to come through.  Not to mention I just have the time as it isn't taken up following littles around to make sure they survive to the end of the day.  Mine can actually entertain themselves for 20 minutes at at time before I am called in to referee a sibling fight.  So with this new found time I hope to give a little bit of a look into what it is like to have a deployed spouse/dad.  Over the next few months we will go through many trainings (some longer than others) all building up to a deployment.

So many are asking, what can I do to help.  For right now, if you are a person of prayer, do so.  Pray for our time that we have left before the deployment, that we will be able to use our time wisely for our relationships but also in preparation.  If you are more of a doer, make sure to check in with me.  I won't reach out for help.  I am terrible at that.  More on that topic later I am sure.  Check in and invite me out.  Be specific, kids or no kids.  And sometime I might need a break from the kids.  I have a team behind me, and I know that our family will dominate this and come out stronger after it is all said and done.

So lets put a rush on getting these bucket list items checked off.