What to do with 12 hours?

 I think the hardest part of deployments are the few hours right before they leave.  The only other time I remember a similar feeling was right after basic training graduation and he was headed to Airborne school right after.  I remember he was released to his family (which was his parents and me), and we had a day, maybe, honestly I can't remember.  But I know the feeling of time in moments like this is like a bit of a vacuum.  You are there with your soldier, so excited to be with them, and yet you know every moment that ticks by it is closer to saying goodbye.  

Well that was exactly the feeling we had when Jacob's unit was released after the "Farewell Ceremony", and he looked down at his watch and told his friends he would see them in 12 hours.  Because in a strange twist, we got to experience another first in deployments, where his report time was 1:30a.  

So what do you do with 12 hours?

I am not sure we did it right.  Because I still don't know what you should do.  We drove home, and Jacob had to repack, because the Department of Defense has stated military can't travel in uniform for right now, so we had to find his packed civilian clothes and try to find room to pack his uniform and the big space taker upper, his boots.  But as I am sure you figured out, we made it happen.  

And then what?!  We did some laundry, kids played in the playroom.  I organized some photos.  We played a few games. We sat at the dinning room table in silence, as who knows what to say.  Talk about tomorrow?  Talk about the future?  Talk about the large elephant in the room?  We contemplated naps, and who would take one when.  We had an early dinner, and watched a "spooky" movie.  We sent daddy off with our last bucket list item (which by the way the fact we completed all 23 items is amazing and we were super proud we got that done) which was "drink a cotton candy drink".  And that did actually make this whole ordeal feel a bit celebratory.  

We did put the kids to bed for a short nap, and then we just sat with each other.  I don't know how to put into words the almost awkwardness of the time in-between.  All has been done.  All has been said.  Maybe if we don't mention what is about to happen..... it wont.  But you know that isn't possible.

12:30am came around and it was time to pack the car and get the kids up.  Another soldier who was carpooling in with us arrived and we somehow got all the bags and people in the car.   There was a lot of silence.  A lot of silence.  And then we arrived at the unit.  

And just like that our 12 hours were gone.  Should we have done more?  Should we have done less?  Did we spend it the best way we could?  

I don't know.  I am not sure there is a right or a wrong way.  All I know is now we embark in the next step.  We move forward.  

May the time go as fast as those 12 hours did.  

Can You go Already

 Have you ever had something hanging over your head and you finally got to a point you were ready to just get it over with?  

I've reached that point. 

We were very lucky this time around, as we heard "rumors" about a deployment list very early on.  And also very early on we had a very good lead Jacob's name was on the list.  The planner part of me was thankful and happy we had, what I think was the longest, time to prepare for a deployment.  But now.  

Now we are ready.  Ready, ready.  As I have said before, in the military they like to give you plans and then those plans change, and then those plans change again.  That stayed consistent this time around too.  Except this time his "date", the big one, the date our kids call the "goodbye date" keeps shifting.  First, you get an "around" date.  As in around the fall.  Then we finally got his orders and that had a date. But then we found out he would still be coming home at night, so that date was the date.  Then they added in a ceremony after what we thought was the date.  He has sold his car based on one of the first dates, so as of right now I am going to be driving him somewhere, we don't know yet, in the future and that should be the date.  

Whew.  It has been a lot of back and forth, and us thinking we had prepared the kids, just for things to shift ever so slightly.  But a shift, even if for the better like Jacob gets to come home yet one more day, is hard.  Emotionally the walls have been going up in preparation for him to be gone.  Then we get one more day.  

I know I have spoken of it before, but this is the in-between.  We are frantically trying to get it all done before he goes, and our thoughts are consumed with him leaving.  And yet he is still here. We are thankful to still have him, but the back and forth becomes overwhelmingly exhausting.  The emotional tug of war that takes place in this in-between time is hard.  Hard for me.  Really hard for our youngest who bares her emotions through anger.  Hard for our son as he continues to "act cool" and like this is no big deal.  

So I really didn't mean it in a bad way when on Monday I said "Can you go already".  I did finish the statement with a smile and a side laugh.  I mean I know how ridiculous that statement sounds.  But dang.  This in-between has been so hard.  When he actually leaves, we can leave the in-between and start to work on the next phase.  A new normal for us three left stateside.  New routines.  New emotions can come in.  We can move forward.  

But I know.  I know with the forward motion will come the loneliness.  The sadness.  The empty feelings.  So do I really want that?!  The tug of what is the correct thing to wish or hope for in the moment is a wishy washy place that I am not comfortable in.  I like the decided.  The action.  The forward movement.  I am trying to appreciate this place of stuck.  

We have been stuck before, and for now we have to become a little more comfortable, as we will be in the in-between for a little while longer.