I did it. I survived my first summer as a mom. I remember last summer when I just kept thinking thoughts like: this is your last summer without a kid. This is the last summer you can do what you want to do when you want. This is your last summer of freedom.
To an extent I was right. I did have a kid with me this summer. I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted. I did feel like I had less freedom.
But as fast as your fears creep up, they are conquered and then considered memories. This summer wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I had two, solo weeks with Cade, while Jacob was doing Army things. I went on a two week vacation with the lil' man. I ran multiple errands with him in tow. We had many morning runs together. I coordinated a workout schedule for when he couldn't join me. I painted our living room and kitchen little by little each day as we spent our days together. We both had to adjust to Jacob's permenant work schedule.
This summer taught me a lot. I learned to be a little less of a perfectionist. The house wouldn't be perfect. I might not get everything complelted on my to-do list in the time I planned for. I figured out small tasks take a little bit longer than they used to. It took me almost 2 weeks to get two rooms painted. Folding laundry takes a new turn when you have little hands pulling stacks down. I learned I love my hair longer, because a being able to pull it up because I haven't had a shower in two days is essential. I learned that at any moment the little man could melt my heart. I would turn around from being in the kitchen and he would be standing there, just waiting for me with a huge smile on his face. His giggle when laughing at Lola toss a ball around is something I am so happy I didn't miss. He has become so mobile in the past two months. I feel blessed to have had the chance to see the change in him.
Tomorrow is what I am calling a trial day. Cade and I will be practicing our morning routine. He will be going back to day care during the day, and I will be going to work. It is a trial day, as my official start back date is not until Tuesday, so we have a day to practice. But as the afternoon wore on, and I started getting not only my school bag ready, but Cade's daycare bag, I started to feel a little heavy hearted.
I really enjoyed this summer more than I thought I would. The morning workouts, the coffee dates with friends, running errands, eating lunch together, and most of all just spending time together; man I am going to miss the time together.
The trial day was originally just for a time trial, to make sure I could get myself and Cade ready and still make it to work on time. But now I am thinking this trial day might be a trial for my own emotions. It is hard to explain. I am happy to be going back to work. Seeing my coworkers that past few days has been great. I jumped right in after my vacation, and sometimes it seems like I never left my classroom. I still enjoying teaching. But then I am sad that Cade will be with someone else all day.
I didn't really struggle with this when leaving maternity leave. I never got the opportunity to stop teacher mode. I was running the classroom from my living room. But this summer...I didn't do anything school related until last week.
I was full on mom/wife.
And I liked it.
But tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is trial day...
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
7 years and counting
7 years ago Jacob and I decided to make it official and get married in a church. We had
I remember the day with a smile on my face. Actually, I think my wedding day rocked. From the surprise trumpet chorus, to the beach pictures, to dancing the night away, and ending the day by driving through McDonald's.
7 years later I can think back to the vows that Jacob and I said to each other, which really I think every bride and groom just recite at that time, giving it little thought, and I am amazed at how true those vows have become. I mean someone who wrote those must have known what they were talking about. Jacob and I opted for the already written traditional vows, as he was fresh out of active military, working two jobs, and I was finishing my internship and last semester of undergrad, while working full time at Steak N Shake. Honestly, the last thing either of us wanted was to stress over coming up with our own vows. But now, I can reflect and think those words were exactly what we needed to promise to each other.
When you break the vows down we promised each other we would stay with each other through:
Sickness and Health
Really. Of course the health part is the easy one. When everyone is healthy there is little strain on the relationship. Jacob and I knew going in to this marriage that health would be an issue, as I was diagnosed 2 weeks before we eloped. But when we eloped we knew I would have possible health issues, we were not thinking about Jacob's possible health hiccups.
Jacob gave us our first health scare when he was severely chemically burned on a convoy in Iraq in 2005. We have pictures but because the burn was upper, inner thigh, and chemical burns tend to not be very pretty, I have decided not to post them. He was in a German hospital for a month recovering. Jacob asked that I not go over to Germany so I didn't. This health scare wasn't too hard on the relationship, as it was still as if he was just overseas, and I got to talk to him more than when he was out on convoys. This life event was scary, but it made us stronger.
It was my turn next as I got very ill in Jan. 2008. That led to a six month battle, ending in August after a total of 9 chemotherapys. This was very hard on our relationship. I had little energy to do anything more than just a few daily activities. As hard as Jacob tried to be a great husband, which he was most of the time, six months is a long time to try and tow the rope in a single sided relationship. Jacob left our relationship emotionally, when really what I needed was him emotionally. I guess as he tried to fathom all that was going on, he departmentalized it, and wouldn't deal with reality. His distance hurt our marriage. When we reflect on this now we can both see where we fell short. We have certainly learned a lot from this illness.
Jacob fell in line next with his leg break in 2011. It was more than a break, it was shatter, which was replaced with 2 metal rods and 2 metal plates. This story is super complex, and goes into many battles with the military. I am a firm believer that Jacob and the rest of his unit was set up for failure by the commander, and so as we can all tell I still harbor some unresolved anger about this injury. He broke his leg while training to go overseas for a year deployment. Because he was injured in North Carolina, the Army would not release him until they were sure all was good to go, which ended up being 2 and a half weeks. I packed up what I could and moved into a hotel in Fort Bragg for two weeks. This sickness was hard on Jacob's ego, which caused some friction in the relationship. Jacob's first question to his commander when he came to, was if he would still be able to be deployed. That answer came back no. And then the blows kept coming. He wouldn't be able to jump anymore. Which meant he couldn't be Airborne, which meant he had to change reserve units. There were more fallouts months after this break, that just continued to chip away at his self esteem. As the spouse it was hard to watch his inner strength fall lower and lower. I just prayed that I would stay strong for both of us. I spun everything in a positive, and continued to support him in anyway I could. We can look back at this break and see it was a huge turning point in our lives. This break caused us a lot of hardship, and we were forced, for months, to just rely on each other. The few months after the break were very difficult in many ways. And yet here we are, still standing.
And we all know what comes next; my pregnancy/labor/post labor. We came into this sickness more prepared than the others. We knew what the chemo would do, and we prepared for the bumps it would cause in our relationship. This round of sickness has lasted longer than all others (10 months and counting), but we have our precious little one who has helped us realize life is not just about us and our relationship anymore. We will continue through this sickness journey and hope there is an end in sight.
In Good Times and Bad
Of course this one is a no brainer. When in the good times the marriage is rockin'. Jacob and I have had some amazing experiences in the last 7 years. We have been extremely blessed. We have been to Disney at least 4 times since we were married (and it might be more...I lost count). We have been camping at various locations, and have been to many different amusement parks. We have traveled home to Michigan and to Florida multiple times. We have done a lot of fun things here in Atlanta. We have trained together for many races, both running and triathlons.
Then there are bad times. We have had them. There have been nights of screaming, tears, and silence. We have disagreed to the point of no return. There have been moments when one of us left the marriage physically, mentally, and emotionally. We have fought our way back. It always seemed whenever one person was not as strong, or not happy, the other one was in a place that they could put the energy in to fight. We have been through crappy jobs. We each have earned a degree while trying to keep a marriage together. We each have become so obsessed with something other than our marriage, our marriage went to the wayside. And yet, here we are.
In Richness and Poorness
Jacob and I have been through times that we didn't have to worry about every purchase, and we have been through times where really hard gut retching decisions have to be made. Money was, for a long time, a battle in our relationship. I am a saver, and Jacob is a spender. Our church did a sermon on this topic, and we learned a lot about each other during this. We have both come around to see the positives in each others perspectives. But that doesn't mean we still don't argue about what is in our bank accounts. I think money can really tear some marriages apart. If I have learned anything in the last 7 years it is each person has to feel a sense of control when it comes to money. Also keeping the communication open all the time about money is a must, especially when things are tight. Money is a wonderful thing, but it can be detrimental to any relationship.
In Joy as well as in Sorrow
We have been through great times, but also sad times. We have been through grandparents passing away. We have been through family members getting sick. We have been through home sickness. We have been through friends getting married, having babies, and friends moving away. We have lost pets along the way. We have welcomed our son into the world. But this is one area we are 100% in it to win it. Through all of the joy and the sorrow we will drop anything for the other one. We could be in the worst place realionship-wise, and yet if something bad happens to the other we are there. We always have been. I see this as something that will always be in place.
For As Long As We Both Shall Live
Jacob and I have a joke about who is going to go first. Neither one of us lives life like we are going to live forever, but we also live life. We take risks, have fun, and live life to the fullest. Jacob joined the military and then took on jobs such as paratrooper, convoy driver and gunner, and sharp shooter, all of which are not on the "safe" list. And then he became a police officer which isn't exactly a sedimentary career. Our big joke is I have the chronic blood cancer, and he will be the one to go before me.
But in all seriousness, we both took this part of the vow very seriously. When we married that was it. It is for a lifetime. Through everything that can, and will be, thrown at us, we are to do it together. There will be moments in our marriage that one or both of us will have to fight with everything inside to keep it together. But we both signed up for that. And fight for our marriage we will. No where in the vows did it say it would be easy. For every easy life event there is a difficult one around the corner. I mean it says it in the vows. We said we would venture it together in front of our family, friends, and the Lord. Out loud. With a ring as a promise. So we will do everything we can to keep that promise.
Jacob and I have known each other since we were 11, and started dating at 16. That means we already have 14 years of memories that we have had with each other. Just for giggles I put some pictures of some of our moments back in time. HAHA!
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| This is believed to be the first "couple" picture taken at my 16th birthday party |
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| I think this was at a high school fall dance |
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| This was taken in my room, but for no known reason |
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| We were both on the ski team. Things you did in the North |
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| The Halloween my best friend and I went as hookers, and Jacob and his best friend went as FBI agents. |
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| Senior Year in high school |
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| Band Banquet. I think Sophomore Year at WMU |
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| Right after we eloped |
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| Jacob had just returned from Iraq and Ashlee the cat had to be put down due to her Feline Leukemia |
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| No idea....but man we were having a great time! |
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| The morning we moved our lives from Michigan to Atlanta |
And here is to many, many more! I love you Jacob! I am very lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing man!
To view more blasts of the past you can click here!
Friday, July 5, 2013
Did we do the right thing?
I found myself thinking wishing my bed had guardrails so I could lay down in bed, and Cade could just play and maybe I could catch a little shut eye.
I am sure I am not the only mother who has ever wished for this. My summer schedule has finally started to catch up with me.
I also find myself thinking if things would be a little different if we still lived in MI**.
When it was just Jacob and I, moving South was a great decision. We have been here 6 (almost 7 crazy!!!) years, and have created ourselves a little home. We have friends, careers, a church, and social groups. We stay busy.
But now we have Cade in the mix. We don't have a lot of friends with babies. Or maybe we just don't get together with other families with babies enough. Our friends without babies love hanging with Cade, but sometimes taking him out and about when he is the only baby can be exhausting. And I am being honest, my kid is really well behaved, so I could only imagine trying this with one that liked to act up a little bit more. So most of the summer Cade has been the only baby, all day long. We have had a couple of play dates, but not enough in my opinion.
Then there is the family aspect. My sister, and sister-in-law are pregnant. They are going to have my nephews within a few weeks of each other. They both live in West Michigan. These two cousins will grow up together. Leaving Cade to be the Southern cousin they see once a year. This breaks my heart for Cade. Cade also has two older cousins (elementary age) who he has only met once, and he was 3 months old. Again, he is left to be the odd cousin out, this time by age and the non existent face time.
My mind has also wandered to the idea that if we lived around family there would be people charging over each other to watch Cade, for free. Here we had to do our research and find a babysitter. We have been lucky to find one. I will say many of our friends have offered to watch Cade, I am sure free of charge, but that could put one in a sticky situation, and I never wanted people to think we are taking advantage of them, so that leaves us with our babysitter.
Jacob and I have not been out, just the two of us, since my sister was here back in Oct. Yes that means we have been out once, just the two of us, since Cade was born.
I am well aware that not spending time together can cause friction on a relationship, and so it will be here that I will switch gears a little bit. It is not entirely accurate to say the reason we have not had time together is because of Cade/babysitter issues. The primary issue has been that Jacob was unable to take any vacation/days off from Jan. 2012 - end of June. As in just a week and a half ago. That was a long haul.
I married into the military because I like my alone time. Being a military wife guaranteed me at least two days a month, and two full weeks a year of alone time. But this last year a half has left me with a lot more alone time than I ever thought I would have. Jacob is on third shift now. So all summer, when most teachers get to relax a little and spend time with their families, Cade and I left to do everything together.
Jacob goes to work around 9:30 pm, and will return anywhere from 8:00 - 9:00 am. Cade is up around 6:30, so we get to see Jacob when he gets in. Jacob goes to sleep and wakes up at 3 or 4 pm depending on when he gets home. So on an average day we get to see each other from 4 - 9. This also leaves me 4-9 to get my bike workout in (yes this is all my choice, and I am not complaining about it). My workouts are mostly rides alone, as this time is not ideal with my other schedules, so again I am out and about by myself. Jacob does get two off days a week, but he tries to keep the same schedule because 3rd is hard to switch back and forth between; I understand that.
Then throw in his Army annual training which was two weeks in June, and then an extra weekend in June for drill....this summer has left Cade and I together a whole lot.
And with all of this alone time my mind just wanders....if we lived in Michigan...
I could hang with my mother-in-law during the day
My sister gets off work by 3 most days
I could have dinner with my parents
I could spend Saturdays with my mom and sister, as they are together every Saturday...
I have some friends from high school, who have kids, that we could hang out
My bestees, the Stewarts, live in MI and we could see each other way more than we do now
Ugh, then the big breakdown I had most recently was about Cade's first birthday. His birthday is late August, and that is the start of the school year in the North. It makes it almost impossible for my mom and step dad to make it down because of their careers, my sister is due right around Cade's birthday, and the Larkins will be out of town for his birthday weekend. That means there won't be any family at Cade's first birthday. I know this bothers me way more than it will ever effect Lil' Boo, but it was devastating to me at first.
So I just wonder did we make the right decision moving here? As I said it was a right decision when it was just Jacob and I, but now that there is Cade....I guess I just rethink, analyze, and question every decision ever made. I guess that is where the term "mommy guilt" comes from.
**In no way does this mean we are moving back to MI. I guess that is the most gut retching part of this struggle. We are not at a point in our lives that we could even make a move North, and that is not even touching the health part of that discussion.
I am sure I am not the only mother who has ever wished for this. My summer schedule has finally started to catch up with me.
I also find myself thinking if things would be a little different if we still lived in MI**.
When it was just Jacob and I, moving South was a great decision. We have been here 6 (almost 7 crazy!!!) years, and have created ourselves a little home. We have friends, careers, a church, and social groups. We stay busy.
But now we have Cade in the mix. We don't have a lot of friends with babies. Or maybe we just don't get together with other families with babies enough. Our friends without babies love hanging with Cade, but sometimes taking him out and about when he is the only baby can be exhausting. And I am being honest, my kid is really well behaved, so I could only imagine trying this with one that liked to act up a little bit more. So most of the summer Cade has been the only baby, all day long. We have had a couple of play dates, but not enough in my opinion.
Then there is the family aspect. My sister, and sister-in-law are pregnant. They are going to have my nephews within a few weeks of each other. They both live in West Michigan. These two cousins will grow up together. Leaving Cade to be the Southern cousin they see once a year. This breaks my heart for Cade. Cade also has two older cousins (elementary age) who he has only met once, and he was 3 months old. Again, he is left to be the odd cousin out, this time by age and the non existent face time.
My mind has also wandered to the idea that if we lived around family there would be people charging over each other to watch Cade, for free. Here we had to do our research and find a babysitter. We have been lucky to find one. I will say many of our friends have offered to watch Cade, I am sure free of charge, but that could put one in a sticky situation, and I never wanted people to think we are taking advantage of them, so that leaves us with our babysitter.
Jacob and I have not been out, just the two of us, since my sister was here back in Oct. Yes that means we have been out once, just the two of us, since Cade was born.
I am well aware that not spending time together can cause friction on a relationship, and so it will be here that I will switch gears a little bit. It is not entirely accurate to say the reason we have not had time together is because of Cade/babysitter issues. The primary issue has been that Jacob was unable to take any vacation/days off from Jan. 2012 - end of June. As in just a week and a half ago. That was a long haul.
I married into the military because I like my alone time. Being a military wife guaranteed me at least two days a month, and two full weeks a year of alone time. But this last year a half has left me with a lot more alone time than I ever thought I would have. Jacob is on third shift now. So all summer, when most teachers get to relax a little and spend time with their families, Cade and I left to do everything together.
Jacob goes to work around 9:30 pm, and will return anywhere from 8:00 - 9:00 am. Cade is up around 6:30, so we get to see Jacob when he gets in. Jacob goes to sleep and wakes up at 3 or 4 pm depending on when he gets home. So on an average day we get to see each other from 4 - 9. This also leaves me 4-9 to get my bike workout in (yes this is all my choice, and I am not complaining about it). My workouts are mostly rides alone, as this time is not ideal with my other schedules, so again I am out and about by myself. Jacob does get two off days a week, but he tries to keep the same schedule because 3rd is hard to switch back and forth between; I understand that.
Then throw in his Army annual training which was two weeks in June, and then an extra weekend in June for drill....this summer has left Cade and I together a whole lot.
And with all of this alone time my mind just wanders....if we lived in Michigan...
I could hang with my mother-in-law during the day
My sister gets off work by 3 most days
I could have dinner with my parents
I could spend Saturdays with my mom and sister, as they are together every Saturday...
I have some friends from high school, who have kids, that we could hang out
My bestees, the Stewarts, live in MI and we could see each other way more than we do now
Ugh, then the big breakdown I had most recently was about Cade's first birthday. His birthday is late August, and that is the start of the school year in the North. It makes it almost impossible for my mom and step dad to make it down because of their careers, my sister is due right around Cade's birthday, and the Larkins will be out of town for his birthday weekend. That means there won't be any family at Cade's first birthday. I know this bothers me way more than it will ever effect Lil' Boo, but it was devastating to me at first.
So I just wonder did we make the right decision moving here? As I said it was a right decision when it was just Jacob and I, but now that there is Cade....I guess I just rethink, analyze, and question every decision ever made. I guess that is where the term "mommy guilt" comes from.
**In no way does this mean we are moving back to MI. I guess that is the most gut retching part of this struggle. We are not at a point in our lives that we could even make a move North, and that is not even touching the health part of that discussion.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Health
Health :
But actually, I have nothing new to report. My counts are holding steady...well at least I hope they are. I haven't been checked since the first week of April. My schedule and my doctors schedule aren't exactly aligning. Maybe subconsciously I am avoiding him, and the purple fortune telling blood collecting tube.
I have been in contact with the OBGYN, and nothing new to report there either. I have still not healed fromthe trauma labor.
Yes, this means I am still bleeding, 10 months later. I stopped taking
any sort of steroid back when I got really sick in March. The doctor
has offered coming up with another concoction, and I politely declined.
But to be honest not being healed is getting to be annoying. The
doctor has talked about one thing he is pretty sure would work, a
hysterectomy. Every time he mentions this I get teary-eyed, and refuse
to talk anymore about it. There is another blog post in the making all
about the second baby issue. Not for this post.
Besides that I feel great. I have an activity level of a normal 20 something. I am working out 6 days a week. I am sleeping fine. I am keeping my cool with a 10 month old. My life seems to be in order.
So health wise....I am no doctor but I think I am as healthy as ever!
Noun
- The state of being free from illness or injury: "he was restored to health"; "a health risk".
- A person's mental or physical condition.
But actually, I have nothing new to report. My counts are holding steady...well at least I hope they are. I haven't been checked since the first week of April. My schedule and my doctors schedule aren't exactly aligning. Maybe subconsciously I am avoiding him, and the purple fortune telling blood collecting tube.
I have been in contact with the OBGYN, and nothing new to report there either. I have still not healed from
Besides that I feel great. I have an activity level of a normal 20 something. I am working out 6 days a week. I am sleeping fine. I am keeping my cool with a 10 month old. My life seems to be in order.
So health wise....I am no doctor but I think I am as healthy as ever!
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