I am Strong Enough

I found myself running mid-afternoon on the Silver Comet Trail.  Three years ago I could have told you every mile marker and which landmark it coincided with, but as I drove to the trail I couldn't even remember how far I would have to run out for my mileage.  As I got parked I didn't feel nervous by any means, just strange.  This trail was such a large part of my weekly life just a few years ago, yet now I felt like I was stepping into a place that I didn't necessarily belong. 

As I took off, I started reflecting on the experience as a whole.  I was running, which I am trying to keep up with even with all the rest of the crazy in my life, but in all honesty running only takes place before 5am, from 4-5pm, or after 7pm, so to be out in the middle of the afternoon it was strange.  The further along the trail I found myself I realized the trail was the same.  Same tree stumps, same benches, same mile markers, same landmarks. 

But me.  I wasn't the same the girl who had plodded on this trail just three years ago.  I have had to change.  Some of it necessary.  Some of it survival.  Some of it for the good.  I have evolved.  Although I am doing the same activity I would have been doing on the trail 3 years ago, I am doing it as a different person. 

I  am not really sure why my thoughts took a turn like this.   I guess my brain deemed it okay to wander since I was in such a familiar place.  This time as a I could hear my feet pounding into the ground I reflected on all the changes the last three years have brought.  I am back in the classroom as a homeroom teacher.  I am about 10 lbs heavier than I was three years ago.  Both of my kids are in public school.  I can run a faster mile now than then.  I am struggling finding my balance while parenting without a partner.  I am figuring out how to go through a week without hearing Jacob's voice.  I am the animal mom of only 2 dogs and 1 cat, and I took down our Welcome to the Zoo plaque that had adorn our mantle for 8 years.  I have said yes to help in the last week more times than I had in a whole year three years ago.  I struggle to call myself a strong woman.  I stay up way later, and wake way earlier than the last time my shadow passed over the trail. And in full honesty, I cry a lot more. 

As  I stated above all of these changes are not all bad.  Rereading the previous paragraph actually makes me wonder if any of them are bad.

I made it to the turn around point in my run and the sun was hitting through the trees just perfectly.  I took a picture.  But of course the picture didn't capture even 100th of what I was actually experiencing.  The silence found in between so many trees.  The radiant colors of the leaves on the ground as we had just gone through a wet, cold spurt.  And the sun beams that literally made me feel their warmth as I ran through them.   But more importantly I felt a sense of strength rising up within me.

Maybe it was the slight downhill the trail takes on the way back to Mavel, or the energy I always get when I am heading to the "finish line", but I realized that although so much had changed, down deep, way down in there that same strong woman was there.  She is not hidden.  She is making herself known in a different way right now.  She isn't needed to be physically strong, but mentally at this time. 

I am strong enough to know I am a good teacher, and I will do my ultimate best for each one of my students.  I am strong enough to assume the extra 10lbs has got to be muscle.  I am strong enough to feel content in our children's education, and not feel stressed about where they might fall on the my-kid-can-do-this spectrum.  I am strong enough to know body will continue to get faster even if I have to sit the next couple months out.  I am strong enough to know my bond with Jacob is bigger than hearing his voice, and there is not such thing as balance, so why am I trying to act like I am chasing it.  I am strong enough to know all of our animals know how much they are loved and cared for, I never wasted a day with them. Not to mention I know I will sign myself up for another round of a Larkin Zoo.  I am strong enough to know I have to say yes to help right now.  I am strong enough to know when it is time to rest (although apparently I don't need as much as I did a few years ago) I will rest.  And I am strong enough to say out loud I am a strong woman who is able to cry and walk through the emotions that are draining me at that moment, so I can move forward when time permits. 

I don't know why a run in the middle of the day sparked all this in me.  And I don't know why it was on my heart to write it out on here.  But I will say putting it out there has helped me process through some what could be negative thoughts, and see I am exactly where I should be.  And three years from now I will look back and see how much has changed. And then when I dig down deep see how much really hasn't changed. 

I am strong enough. 

So Lonely

Deployments are a whole lot of lonely.  That is probably the hardest part of these ordeals for me, and honestly for most of the military spouses I know.  It is months upon months of not feeling connected to someone who is still alive, and you are very much in love with.  The loss of this connection leads to feeling alone.  Very alone.

I had not really felt this way for this deployment, until last week Saturday.

I found myself in the sterile room of an animal hospital.  I finally made the decision to take in our almost 13 year old lab-mix Lola into the emergency vet as she had not gotten up from our bed in 24 hours.  She also had not barked at all.  Not once.  If you know Lola you know that is sure sign something is wrong.

The loneliness hit me when the vet on call decided to take Lola to the back for an ultrasound.  I found myself in the room alone.  Some friends had graciously volunteered to take Cade and Ellee out to eat with them so I wouldn't have to deal with two young kids while waiting to get Lola seen.  And so when Lola left the room it was just me.

It was also just me when the doctor came back with the heart wrenching news that it wasn't good.  I sat there with my clasped hands, trying to stare forward while the doctor laid out the options.  Then she stopped.  She asked me if I needed some time to call someone.  I swallowed hard and explained my husband was gone, and couldn't answer his phone.  It was just me.  Just me.

Then I made a joke that I guess I will call my mom, because  that is who you call when you have no one else to call right?   The doctor and vet tech both politely laughed.  So that is what I did.  I called my mom and sobbed like a baby.

I have since made contact with Jacob, and the plan to move forward is in process.  We have and will take it day by day with Lola.  But we know her time is limited.  She is on high doses of meds and we celebrate each day we get with her.  She has been spoiled for the past week. Making such a hard decision that will effect our family with no one to connect with, was really, is really hard.  Lost in my own thoughts I felt paralyzed.  Just so lonely.

After all of that sent my world spinning, I had a wonderful evening where I was celebrated as the Atlanta Public Schools Elementary Teacher of the Year.  It was a well planned, beautiful celebration, but it felt a little amiss without Jacob.  I have been so lucky to have him as a teacher-husband.  His support for me to stay after school when needed, understanding when I have to go in early, not say anything when he finds I have stolen items from home, and he whole-heartily goes along with anything I volunteer him for which is school related.  He deserved to be there too.  Instead I drove myself.  And then drove home alone.  The whole thing just felt like someone was missing.  A little lonely.

And the big wham at the end of this week was my immune system finally gave in to all the stress and the change in the weather and I got a cold.  When all I wanted to do these past two days was sleep, I had to wake with the kids, make breakfasts, and then make sure they at least were safe within the house as I tried to rest.  And no one was here to share my wallows with.  So overall I have just felt lonely.

But in all this there are shinning stars that have helped me.  My co-teacher who we literally met 2 months ago has become a fast friend, support, and someone who goes above and beyond to help me at school.  My ESOL team mates took time out of their personal evenings to support me at my celebration on Tuesday.  And the great friends who have helped out by picking Cade and Ellee up from school, and taking them at all odd hours to make my life a little easier.  So thank you to everyone who is out there supporting the stateside Larkins!

A friend of mine texted me "You've had a bit of chaos the past several weeks".  Although I never would have wanted to describe what we have been through in the last week chaos, it seems to fit what we have been living perfectly.

And yet in all this chaos, I can't help but feel really lonely.