Life's Puzzle Pieces

Have you ever had that moment of clarity when everything seems to fit together?

Yay, me either.

But, I came really close this evening.

Ellee has had a few off days.  Jacob's mom came to help us with Cade and Ellee when I went to back to work the first of May.  She was able to stay for two weeks.  Then my mom and Duane came down for a week, which gave Cade and Ellee a whole lot of grandparent spoiling time.   We were back to the Larkin 4 yesterday, so I am thinking Ellee may have gotten used to being held, a lot more than I can do when left on my own.  So she has been a little off schedule, with sleeping so little during the day, and eating a ton.  Tonight I was rocking her right before bed, and she was fighting it a little bit. And then it all just fell into place.

I mean everything.

I believe everything happens for a reason.  Jacob and I have been through a lot of different highs and lows, but when you are far enough removed from each situation you can see how it lead you to where you are.  That is what happened this evening.

As I rocked back and forth, understanding that this, the swaddling, rocking, and holding her tight in my arms won't last forever, I found myself so thankful I was able for a chance to do it one more time. 

After Cade, I never really recovered.  I actually remember very little of Cade's first few months.  I struggled to get back to "healthy"  But I never really made it.  Not physically, or mentally.  I never got back to 100% Amanda.

But tonight. Tonight I realized I am back.  Not just feeling okay, but really, truly, like myself.  I have an energy level I have been lacking for a couple years.  I have a mental clarity I haven't had in a really long time.  The past few weeks, yes I went back to work, but I have worked hard on keeping a balance on stress, work hours, and family life.  Granted I only had to juggle it all for 3 weeks, and I did have family support at home, but I did it.  And I felt good about it.

I needed to have Ellee.  I don't know what having a second child did to my body and mind, but it turned me around.  Okay, maybe it was the drugs they pumped me with to get ready, but something this time around helped me.  I didn't know one year ago how much my life would change when the doctors said it was "go time".

But all of my life puzzle pieces wouldn't have fit together if we hadn't taken a leap that really scared us.  Everything happens for a reason, and I am happy today for everything that has happened.

Love, A

My mom is probably pretty mad about the use of the picture above.  And I can understand why.  I mean how dare I put up a picture of her not looking as fabulous as she does now.

It is one of my favorite pictures.

This was taken after my senior year Miller Show Concert, which is the final concert of the marching band season.  It was an end of an era that had meant a lot to me through college.  It marks almost the end of my undergrad years, which really helped shape me.  It is my last picture in my uniform.  

My mom was is not musical.  She does find the beauty in music.  When I was "fitted" for the clarinet in 5th grade, she bought me a used clarinet, when I know we didn't have a ton of money to spare.  She supported me practicing in the living room, on the front porch, and in my bedroom.  She would laugh under her breath as our family black lab would cower away from me when he would see the clarinet case come out.  She was at every band concert middle through high school, and drove to see me march in college, way more times than I can count.  She was always the loudest cheering mom when we would march past her in parades.  She had a Zeeland shirt with all of my siblings names, and graduating year she wore it to every football game.   She still plays my marching band cd's (yes, I marched before the i-Tunes days) around the house.  She loves to play them when she cleans.  She put a lot of passion behind her support of something she doesn't necessarily understand. 

In this picture my mom was also at her heaviest.  There are pictures of my mom in the 80's when she was rail thin.  I only remember my mom having curves.  Her size never meant anything to me as a child.  But being a mother now, I can see how your own body type can bother you as a mother if it is not exactly how you envisioned it.

This picture is also the last picture I know of, that my mother was this size.  Soon after this picture was taken she joined Weight Watchers, and became the size that helps her live life more in the moment.  I have never seen my mom look this way since.
 

This picture means a lot to me when I look at it.  I see a woman who is super proud of me.  I see a mom who drove a heck of a lot of miles to see her daughter while off at college (and even more miles to see me now).  A mom who refused to come pick up her daughter after a month at college, because she knew I was strong enough to push through.  I remember a mom who listened quietly when I thought I was going to quit school and move to North Carolina. This woman has the patience of a saint.  She never showed any weakness when she held my hand for first bone marrow biopsy.  I see a mom who has supported her daughter to marry her high school boyfriend who was going to Iraq. All of this after I had become an "adult". 

I see a woman who has shown she has the power to get back in the life she wanted. I see a fighter.  I see a strong woman.  I see someone I only hope I am one tenth of.

So mom. 

I couldn't find a card that said all that.  So,

Happy Mother's Day.

Love A