Learning Curve

People, heck strangers, have a lot to say to me, or any other mother for that.  I guess they feel like they have some sort of "right" to "help" me through this journey we call motherhood. 

I will be the first one to admit I had have no real idea what I am doing.  Take for instance our new journey to cloth diapers.  Our initial thought to try gDiapers was to help the environment.  Then the thought of having a diaper pail really grossed me out.  I had a nightmare of Lucy, our Jack Russel, getting into the pail and chewing open the dirty, poopy diapers all over my couch.  Needless to say I cleaned the couch three times when I woke up and the idea of this disaster has stayed with me. 

The idea of cloth really freaked me out too.  I hate dirty things, and poop is very dirty.  I gag easily, and have been known to vomit from poopy situations.  So the idea of scraping poop off of a piece of cloth, made me gag.  So we came up with a hybrid.  A cloth outside, and a disposable inside.  I mean you take out the middle and flush it.  Genius. 

Many people felt that we wouldn't like the gDiapers.  Yes, I had some people tell me this.  I mean while looking at them at Babies R Us I was told by a stranger that it was the biggest waste of money.  When I asked "why", she said "Why would you want to do cloth when they make plastic?"  I mean really?!  Well then, of course, your thought process seems well thought out, and caries a lot of evidence.  Oh well...

So back the this whole cloth ordeal.  We ended up with a lot of disposables, because I had diaper cakes at my showers.  So we used them.  We had newborn ones which were great because Cade's skinny hips wouldn't fit in the gDiapers yet.  Then we moved into the size 1's and we had a whole lot of those in disposable.  And then we ran out. 

We had plenty of gDiaper inserts, and we had 4 cloth diapers to get us started.  So we thought, here we go.  And away we went.  The first insert we flushed clogged up our plumbing, and Jacob had to go in the basement and take apart some pipes to get the swollen insert out.  We kept at it.  Every wet diaper Cade had he somehow leaked out.  So we went through outfit after outfit.  Then we had our first poopy diaper experience with the gDiapers...while in Babies R Us.  We changed his diaper in the backseat of the car.  It took both of us, we had to change even the cloth part of the diaper, and there were moments Cade was more upside down than laying down.  But we managed.  And honestly ended up with some side aches from laughing so hard. 

Then while looking up gDiapers online we noticed all the pictures of the babies in the diapers had the big G in the back....Cade's G was clearly in the front....

So parents of the year award won't be sitting on our fire place anytime soon, but we are all turned around, we have practiced the flushing (and swishing which is what you have to do to make sure it doesn't clog your pipes), and we have had fewer blow/leak outs.  And you know what?  We actually like the gDiapers.

The one thing I can say is that this past weekend had more laughter in it than we have had in a long time.  Jacob and I laugh, sometimes really hard, at our ability to have no idea what to do in many incidences.    Cade is whole new realm to us.  Neither one of us ever thought we would have an infant that depended on us.  Every experience we have had in the past 12 weeks had been new. 

We are still learning.  And I don't mind the learning curve.  Will Jacob and I do everything right?  No way.  Actually not even close.  We are making up rules, and rituals as we go. 

 We have no idea what we are doing.  We have no idea what will come next.  We actually haven't figured out what his cries mean, even though according to every other mother she knew within two weeks.  We encourage him to speak loudly, and kick constantly.  We make him march to the beat of music.  We pretend we are having intelligent conversations with him. I mean he wanted to discuss the vice presidential debate in detail. Who else has a 3 month old is doing that ;)  Sometimes we let him stay in his pajamas all day, and other times we let him go with out any pants on.   We encourage him to pass gas.  I let him hold my finger while he drinks from his bottle.  I let him snuggle into my neck when he is so sleepy, he resists sleep. 

We don't know if what we are doing is right, but what we do know, we have one awesome kid.  Cade is super laid back, sleeps through the night, charms the ladies at daycare, appreciates his sibling animals, loves to watch Law and Order SVU with his mom, and rarely cries.  Are we doing the right thing?  Who knows?  Is Cade one of the happiest babies I have ever met?  He sure is. 

No one brought balloons

My last chemo treatment didn't go the way I thought it would.  Nov. 6 started off a bit different, as I had gotten permission to drive myself to and from treatment that day.  I was in a super great mood.  I just knew my counts were going to be up.   I was chatting it up with my blood nurse, as he tried to put in a port.  I should have known something was up, when putting a port in became a 15 minute affair.  I learned that 3 of my veins in my left arm have scar tissue and won't be able to give blood any more.

But the fight to get the port in didn't damper my spirits.   I joked with the nurses about how this would be my last treatment ever, how they would miss me, and the such.  I knew the counts would be high.  I had visualized Meredith, my chemo nurse, coming over to tell me.  I would have a huge smile on my face, my eyes would twinkle, which they hadn't done for a while, and my face would flush with excitement.  I had played this moment out in my mind multiple times.

So while situated in my chemo chair, I was like an actress waiting for her big cue, as I saw Meredith walking over with my count sheet.  I could barely contain my smile, as I watched her lips start to move.  Then all I could hear was my own breathing.  I was looking at Meredith's face.   Why wasn't it as excited as I had visualized?  Why wasn't I acting out the practiced scene?  For some reason my brain hadn't hit the cue like it was suppose to. 

I asked Meredith to repeat what the counts were again.  As my heart fell out of my chest, my brain registered why it wasn't in a celebratory mood.  Not only had my counts not gone up, they had actually dropped.  This wasn't possible.  My mantra for life is "success is the only option, failure is not".  Why wasn't this a success?  I hadn't visualized anything other than my counts reaching huge numbers, just like last time.  It was going to work.  I didn't have a plan in place for my counts not going up. 

After I picked my heart up from the floor, I remembered I was in a large room filled with many others receiving chemo.  I would not cry in front of them.  I swallowed hard, and asked Meredith to get my next order from the doctor.

The rest of treatment was uneventful.  I normally try to stay up and chat with those around me, but I just gave into the pre-cocktail, and slept most of the 6 hours.  I didn't feel like talking to anyone.  Especially not anyone who was receiving good news.  I was in a full blown pity party, and pretty angry no one had brought balloons.

This past week has brought on many old ITP symptoms I had almost forgotten existed.  First the bruises started showing up.  Platelets are made in bone marrow.  The first place to bruise is my joints.  Large, purple bruises began in my knee pits, then I found some on my hips, and my elbows.  Then the bleeding.  THIS MIGHT GET GROSS, you have been warned.  I started bleeding out of every open hole on my body.  The nose bleeds were the hardest to hide.  While teaching I went to help a student with a math problem, only to see blood show up on their worksheet.  Try calming 24, 8 year-olds, while bleeding yourself.  Not an easy task.  My ears bleed a bit, and then capillaries exploded in my eyes. Exhaustion took over.  Teaching all day, just to come home, and have more papers to grade, and lessons to write, left me with little energy left, which had to be given to Cade. Nausea became a constant, and the migraines started back. 

So there are two things that might be going on with my body. 

Scenario #1:  My counts are actually in normal low range.  That means I have enough platelets to actually bruise (when I am low I don't even bruise, only internally bleed).  I also do not get bleeding when I a super low, so my counts might actually have gone up in the past week.  Only my body still thinks it is low, and so it is reacting to low platelets.

Scenario #2:  My counts are much lower than we have been in years.  Causing all the symptoms of low platelets. 

So I will get an official count tomorrow.  I am unsure what the magic number is, and if I am close or not.  I am unsure what to even visualize.  My heart has been hanging low, along with my attitude.  I try to hold it together, but the thought of my sick body makes me hurt inside.  I am so beyond ready to be healthy.  I am ready for the doctor to tell me I hit the target!  I am ready for my counts to level out, and allow me to work on getting my health back full force.

Success is the only option, failure is not

Finally able to move on

My hormones have felt out of whack for a few days.  A lot of people told me that after the baby was born, to expect the hormones to be a little crazy.  I was told I would cry, get angry, and be happy all within few moments.  I was ready and prepared. 
I didn't feel out of whack right away.  I know what happened though.  After Cade was born I went into what I call "military mode".  It could be coined "teacher mode" too I guess.  These modes are something I have been able to do for as long as I can remember.  It is a mental state that I can put myself in, when I want to control what I focus on.  I can take my emotions and completely put them aside until I am ready to deal with them at a later time. 

I have been placed in some situations that I needed to put emotions aside, and complete a task.  While Jacob and I were on our honeymoon our cruise ship tipped on its side.  There were 100's injured on the top desks.  There was an all call for anyone with medical training to go to the pool desks.  Jacob didn't even think twice, and I followed.  It was a mess on the top decks, and yet we were able to think clearly, and move forward.  Teachers are put in these situations all the time.  I witnessed one of my students go through a concussion.  As I watched my student scream at the top of her lungs, thrash wildly, and repeat incoherent phrases, I was able to call 911, her mother, and talk to the paramedics with exactly what was going on.  It wasn't until she was loaded into the ambulance, and I was left alone in the nurses office that I fell to my knees shaking.  Not that long ago I was witness to a fellow runner fall, due to a heart problem.  I watched as her heart stopped twice. However while in" military mode" I remembered to grab my phone, and we were able to contact her husband.  It wasn't until the next day that I actually dealt with my emotions.

Since Cade was born I have been on the go, go, go.  We had family over.  Then when I was left to my own, I had at least 2 doctor appointments a week, I had play dates, and of course a new born to keep my attention.  I was also focusing on the marathon, and then I actually ran the marathon.  Cade and I spent a week in MI, and that was followed with my sister here for a week.  I only had two more weeks left before I returned to school, and within that time I had chemo treatments once a week.  Then I had to focus on getting back into the classroom.  Which leaves me here...tonight...on the couch, alone. 

The tears started over the weekend.  I clicked on a photo/video of a friend who had also recently had a baby.  They had put together some photos/video of their time in the hospital, the birth, right after the birth, and tons of pictures of the baby in the hospital.  Jacob noticed my tears and asked why I was crying.  When I wouldn't answer him, he looked over my shoulder to see what I was looking at.  He clicked the mouse, and the video stopped.  He looked at me and asked "Are you crying because it is a beautiful thing, or because we don't have one?"

He knew I had been saying things like "I'm a bad mother because  _____".  The blank could be filled with so many different answers.  Because I can't breast feed, because I am not breast feeding, because I have to go back to work, because I have to do chemo, because I couldn't hold my baby right away, because I didn't/don't take a ton of pictures, because I check Facebook while feeding him, because he is going to a daycare, because we don't live by family, because he didn't have a bassinet.  As I said the list goes on and on. 

I was crying because we didn't have a lot of pictures from the hospital, or even right after Cade was born.  I don't actually remember much of that night.  So with few memories, and no video or pictures, I told Jacob I felt like a bad mom.  As tears slid down my face I asked him why we didn't have a lot of pictures.   He looked at me like I was crazy, and calmly answered "Because I was too worried about you to take any pictures." 

The overall amount of guilt I carry because of my sickness had/has become overwhelming.  I felt like I had been cheated out of bonding time.  I said Cade is being deprived because I can't breast feed.  I am not a real mother because I never got milk to come in.  I felt guilt because I get so tired after treatment I struggle to hold him.  The day after treatment I am exhausted, which cheats me out of time I could be spending with him.  Because of my sickness I have to keep working so we can keep our insurance.  Because I have to work, he is at daycare all day.  I got home late the past two nights, because there is SO much to do at school.  My mind had been filled with so much negativity it was becoming an attitude. 

Then it finally happened.  While watching a beautiful story on the nurses who saved those babies during Sandy at the New York hospital, I started really crying.  I mean sobbing.  Jacob was gone at drill, Cade was sleeping, so it was just me in the house.  Just me, left to deal with my emotions that I had shoved in the back of my mind, and refused to deal with.  There was no one to distract me.  There were no plans on the calendar, so I had as long as I need to just let it out.  I don't know if it was the realization how lucky I am, or  how so many people have lost so much, or my overall empathy towards those who were in the path of Superstorm Sandy, but the tears finally just flowed. 

And now I am ready to move on.  As I type this I almost feel like I went through the grieving process.  I was upset, and angry at some of the wrongs I felt I had been dealt.  And now...now I am ready to move on.  What happened, happened.  I know there is a greater purpose.  I am walking the path I am suppose to.  Just because it isn't the path I invisioned, it doesn't mean it is the wrong one.  I am ready to start back, and not take for granted the smiles I get from Cade.  Or the way he sighs when he snuggles his face under my chin.  If I had to be honest Cade is going to be just fine, and it would be me who would miss out if I contiued to allow myself to feel cheated. 

Now, I am hoping to get my hormones back in check, so I can make it through a news segment without crying.