This post won't be as gloomy as the title states. I am thinking about the actual end of times, but that is because I just finished reading the ENTIRE Bible. That was a goal for 2010 and I did it. A day early, but I figured I had the time, and just kept reading. But the last book of the Bible is Revelation and is what I think the most intense book of the Bible. I have always felt this way, and struggle to read through this book. I find it is complex, confusing, and scary. This is all for another post....but if you would like to get into a conversation or know of any books on this book please share in the the comments. I would love to dig this apart.
Anywho the end I am talking about is the end of 2010. I was looking back at my post from the beginning of this year. WOW! It seems so long ago. I was really looking back to see if I had made any mention of any resolutions for 2010. I didn't find any but did make mention I wanted to keep working on the ones I had set from 2009. As I looked back at these I felt I had made some major gains on all of them. I worked on them from 2009 - today, and I would like to keep them very similar.
Here are the ones from 2009/2010
1. Every 90 days go off somewhere together
We did this in 2009, and for 2010. YAY!
2. Spend some quite time with God everyday
I can't say I did it EVERYday. But pretty close. I did much better in 2010. I did finish reading the entire Bible, and the books of Psalm twice.
3. Cook at home at least 4 nights a week
We always start out strong then waver, as life gets busy. On average I would say we did this 3 times a week. We have good intentions, but then become lazy.
4. Get to the gym at least 2 times a week
Definitelycompleted this. 2 times....of course. Most weeks I was able to workout even more than that.
5. Walk the girls (the dogs) once a week
Did not happen. We must be doing something okay as both of the girls are at a very healthy weight, but we must get better at this!
Here are the ones for 2011
1. Every 90 days Jacob and I take a small mini vacation somewhere.
2. Continue spending quiet time with God each day.
3. Cook at home at least 4 nights a week.
4. Workout at least 5 days a week.
5. Exercise the girls at least twice a week.
6. Continue putting money into savings/403B each month
I think the overall goal is to continue to keep good health and make my life overall a bit more enjoyable. I think that is the reason to set goals anyway. So as the year ends, I think that I have done a pretty good job the past two years at little by little making life a little better. Now this year I will have to make a little more effort to make the girls lives a little better. :0
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
And it looms over me
I am 12 days away from my first full marathon. 26.2 miles. It will take over 5 hours. I have not really been giving this race very much thought. Until this morning.
My alarm went off at 7. I was suppose to get up and hit they gym. It was only going to be in the high 20's so running outside was not the best plan. So the alarm went off...and off...and I hit sleep...then sleep again...and again...until it was 8 a.m. Now when I say I don't have anything to do, really I have no real deadlines of any kind. Nothing scheduled, nothing urgent, nothing I have on the calendar. So waking up at 7 was not an absolute. But I knew I should get up and get some kind of exercise in.
I moseyed out of bed around 8 and went to eat some breakfast while watching the news. I looked over my to do list (which is a list of things that should get done....but not necessary) and decided I would clean the bathroom, vacuum, and just clean up the living room. I did it all, well technically Jacob cleaned the bathroom. I hate that job. I will do any other chore than that. So after that I decided it was best if I went for a short run. It was in the 40's by then, and I have enough cold weather running clothes.
So out I go....and the thoughts start looming. I was running 5 miles today. The race is over 5 times that. Would I be hydrated enough? What will I eat the night before? What if going to Universal Studios is a bad idea? What if my cold/back injury did more damage than I thought to my training. What if I slip on ice on this run? What should I bring to fuel up? What should I wear? What if I forget my shoes? What if the dogs chew my sunglasses? What if my family can't find me on the race course? What if I lose the camera? What if I get hurt during the race? What if I don't finish? What if it takes me longer than 7 hours, and I get swept up?
And it keeps going. The nerves have set in.
Part of my nerves comes from the pressure/competitive spirit I put on myself. I am competitive at heart. Now I know there is no way I will win....or place in my age group. I want to finish. I want to finish before the 7 hours that they give you. Actually I have to finish before 7 hours otherwise they will sweep you up. Then of course there is the fact that Mom, Duane, Trisha, and Rob (T's fiance) will all be there cheering us on. This is GREAT, but I don't want to disappoint either. All they want is a finish. Maybe even a smile at the finish line. It will be great to see them on the side lines, and really knowing they will be there has been a driving force to keep up my training. I don't want to disappoint.
But it is only 12 days away. 9 days away from us leaving for Florida. 12 days to stay injury free. 12 days to keep eating healthy. 12 days to drink enough water to keep my body functioning.
In 13 days I will have completed something only 1% of the population can say they have done. I will push my body to the furthest it has ever been up to now. In 13 days I will have cramped legs, probably be chaffed, and sore muscles covering my body, but I will have a mickey mouse shaped medal and bragging rights that I ran further than my commute to work.
But for the next 12 days....26 miles will loom over me.....
My alarm went off at 7. I was suppose to get up and hit they gym. It was only going to be in the high 20's so running outside was not the best plan. So the alarm went off...and off...and I hit sleep...then sleep again...and again...until it was 8 a.m. Now when I say I don't have anything to do, really I have no real deadlines of any kind. Nothing scheduled, nothing urgent, nothing I have on the calendar. So waking up at 7 was not an absolute. But I knew I should get up and get some kind of exercise in.
I moseyed out of bed around 8 and went to eat some breakfast while watching the news. I looked over my to do list (which is a list of things that should get done....but not necessary) and decided I would clean the bathroom, vacuum, and just clean up the living room. I did it all, well technically Jacob cleaned the bathroom. I hate that job. I will do any other chore than that. So after that I decided it was best if I went for a short run. It was in the 40's by then, and I have enough cold weather running clothes.
So out I go....and the thoughts start looming. I was running 5 miles today. The race is over 5 times that. Would I be hydrated enough? What will I eat the night before? What if going to Universal Studios is a bad idea? What if my cold/back injury did more damage than I thought to my training. What if I slip on ice on this run? What should I bring to fuel up? What should I wear? What if I forget my shoes? What if the dogs chew my sunglasses? What if my family can't find me on the race course? What if I lose the camera? What if I get hurt during the race? What if I don't finish? What if it takes me longer than 7 hours, and I get swept up?
And it keeps going. The nerves have set in.
Part of my nerves comes from the pressure/competitive spirit I put on myself. I am competitive at heart. Now I know there is no way I will win....or place in my age group. I want to finish. I want to finish before the 7 hours that they give you. Actually I have to finish before 7 hours otherwise they will sweep you up. Then of course there is the fact that Mom, Duane, Trisha, and Rob (T's fiance) will all be there cheering us on. This is GREAT, but I don't want to disappoint either. All they want is a finish. Maybe even a smile at the finish line. It will be great to see them on the side lines, and really knowing they will be there has been a driving force to keep up my training. I don't want to disappoint.
But it is only 12 days away. 9 days away from us leaving for Florida. 12 days to stay injury free. 12 days to keep eating healthy. 12 days to drink enough water to keep my body functioning.
In 13 days I will have completed something only 1% of the population can say they have done. I will push my body to the furthest it has ever been up to now. In 13 days I will have cramped legs, probably be chaffed, and sore muscles covering my body, but I will have a mickey mouse shaped medal and bragging rights that I ran further than my commute to work.
But for the next 12 days....26 miles will loom over me.....
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
When is it time to let go?
So I have been struggling with what to write. Believe it or not there are a lot of topics I want to get out there in space, and get other people's thoughts...if there are any people who still read this.
But while watching a show about hoarding, who knew there were so many hoarders in America? I guess that goes to show what this culture is coming to, closed doors, and too many secrets. Anywho, there was a commercial for some new makeover show. And the host said "You are 30 years old, you should not be wearing anything from high school" and then they dramatically show them throwing a pile of clothes in the trash. This has been something I have been thinking about lately.
Now, I am pretty sure I don't wear anything from high school. Every season change, summer to winter, and winter to summer when I take the clothes from my closet, if I haven't worn it in that past season, it gets donated. I will not be showing up on one of those hoarding shows anytime soon. Any shirts that mean anything to me, band shirts, sports shirts, even a Steak N Shake apron, are all in a storage bin in the basement waiting to be made into a t-shirt quilt, for any children that might come along...don't get your hopes up yet ;)
But overall this question sits inside of me..."When is it time to let go?"
I am talking about my Bronco (from my undergrad) license plate, which still sits on the front of my car. Is it time to take that down, and retire it? I mean I graduated four years ago, and I have a higher degree from a different school. I don't even live in the same state. But I still hang on to those memories from college. As so many say, some of my best memories. But the license plate doesn't hold my memories. By taking it down doesn't mean I didn't go to undergrad, or have the relationships, and fun that I remember. But when are you holding on to items too long?
I still have a photo montage in my basement that hasn't been added to since we moved to Atlanta. The pictures all mean something, they are freeze frames of events I hold dear. There is one of my favorite pics of my sister and I on our first cruise, a picture from the day Jacob and I eloped, a picture from my 21st birthday which I celebrated at Steak N Shake, with my bestee Shane. There are some friendship bracelets from high school, the red and pink ribbon we wore at high school graduation in memory of the two seniors we lost, and the red, white, and blue ribbon we wore on our band uniforms the game we played three days after September 11. Oh and my hood ornament from the first car I bought, and a note that Shane gave me when I was really in the dumps. It is these things that I know I can move on, but when? When does it become too long, or almost like a hoarder?
After we bought our house, one of the first trips my mom and Duane made down here was with a filled truck of all of my "keep" boxes. These were boxes that each one of kids had, and through every move it was never tossed, and never gone through for garage sales. These boxes have our baby books, pictures of us growing up, report cards, and other items that we felt as we were growing up we wanted to keep. I have mementos from my various trips overseas, and pictures from middle and high school. So what do I do with those items? They stay in our "keep" closet, as Jacob's parents dropped off all of his items too. Once and a while I will go through these things, when looking for something specific....but otherwise....
So I guess when is it time to move on? And is there any fun thing I am missing to do with these items? Like I said someday I hope to learn to sew, at least enough to make this t-shirt quilt that I so want to. And then what......
But while watching a show about hoarding, who knew there were so many hoarders in America? I guess that goes to show what this culture is coming to, closed doors, and too many secrets. Anywho, there was a commercial for some new makeover show. And the host said "You are 30 years old, you should not be wearing anything from high school" and then they dramatically show them throwing a pile of clothes in the trash. This has been something I have been thinking about lately.
Now, I am pretty sure I don't wear anything from high school. Every season change, summer to winter, and winter to summer when I take the clothes from my closet, if I haven't worn it in that past season, it gets donated. I will not be showing up on one of those hoarding shows anytime soon. Any shirts that mean anything to me, band shirts, sports shirts, even a Steak N Shake apron, are all in a storage bin in the basement waiting to be made into a t-shirt quilt, for any children that might come along...don't get your hopes up yet ;)
But overall this question sits inside of me..."When is it time to let go?"
I am talking about my Bronco (from my undergrad) license plate, which still sits on the front of my car. Is it time to take that down, and retire it? I mean I graduated four years ago, and I have a higher degree from a different school. I don't even live in the same state. But I still hang on to those memories from college. As so many say, some of my best memories. But the license plate doesn't hold my memories. By taking it down doesn't mean I didn't go to undergrad, or have the relationships, and fun that I remember. But when are you holding on to items too long?
I still have a photo montage in my basement that hasn't been added to since we moved to Atlanta. The pictures all mean something, they are freeze frames of events I hold dear. There is one of my favorite pics of my sister and I on our first cruise, a picture from the day Jacob and I eloped, a picture from my 21st birthday which I celebrated at Steak N Shake, with my bestee Shane. There are some friendship bracelets from high school, the red and pink ribbon we wore at high school graduation in memory of the two seniors we lost, and the red, white, and blue ribbon we wore on our band uniforms the game we played three days after September 11. Oh and my hood ornament from the first car I bought, and a note that Shane gave me when I was really in the dumps. It is these things that I know I can move on, but when? When does it become too long, or almost like a hoarder?
After we bought our house, one of the first trips my mom and Duane made down here was with a filled truck of all of my "keep" boxes. These were boxes that each one of kids had, and through every move it was never tossed, and never gone through for garage sales. These boxes have our baby books, pictures of us growing up, report cards, and other items that we felt as we were growing up we wanted to keep. I have mementos from my various trips overseas, and pictures from middle and high school. So what do I do with those items? They stay in our "keep" closet, as Jacob's parents dropped off all of his items too. Once and a while I will go through these things, when looking for something specific....but otherwise....
So I guess when is it time to move on? And is there any fun thing I am missing to do with these items? Like I said someday I hope to learn to sew, at least enough to make this t-shirt quilt that I so want to. And then what......
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A long rambling of sorts
First off I know it has been way too long. But if I were to use an excuse it could be because it was the holidays. This post will finally be back to getting into why I started this blog...well sort of. The real reason I started it was because I was sick and wanted to keep a record of kinds for myself and my family who were living so far away. The other reason was because I am a talker, and I feel better if I talk things out. So this post will talk about what has been happening but at a deeper and longer level. So here is what has been on my mind....
This past fall (since August really) has been the hardest season of my life. Now that I can sit back and reflect, I am not quite sure how I made it through. Actually I do know. My family rode this stress journey out with me. They were always a call away, and really if I had asked would have been on my door step in a second. My best friend Shane has words of wisdom that I hope to someday repay him with if he ever needs it. And of course my friends the Burdens who dropped whatever they were doing to be ears that I needed. And then a God send of my friends the Keys who literally, I feel were asked to drop in by God. I know if I would have reached out to others they would have done the same. I only hope that now I am back on my feet that I will be able to repay these friends back by being the same friend they were to me.
This past fall I had to finish my last semester of my Masters. As an added bonus they moved up the due date for my Thesis. I put myself under an enormous amount of stress as I was carrying a 4.0 and was two classes and a thesis away from graduating with it. This pressure was so great, that it often brought me to tears and melt downs. On top of a thesis and two classes, with papers and assignments, I was trying to lead the third grade team, and learn what to teach for this new grade. If you have never been a teacher, I can not explain what it takes to learn a specific grade, and then have to teach it. This includes coming up with projects, and fun activities, most of them from my own head, or the internet. All of this took up time and I spent late nights in the classroom trying to get my head on straight. When I would finally leave the classroom I would be so upset with myself for not leaving enough time to work on my thesis or other school stuff I would once again completely fade away to meltdown mode.
The best part was towards the middle of August when I developed a rash that wouldn't go away. It showed up on both elbows and burned like nothing I had ever had before. It was of course a stress rash, and spread through Sept. and Oct. It covered my elbows, and then went up and down my arms. This was a constant reminder of all that I had on my plate, and a reminder of how poorly I was doing at it all.
This fall my marriage was put to the test. Be it some of my fault or not, either way it was a struggle and an added fight in which I was battling. We started seeing a counselor and yet it was an added pressure I felt I might fall under. Long nights at work, only to come home and be in depression, and at times feeling completely lost. I would wonder how I got to this point. Then thoughts of how I am 27 and no kids, and no hope of becoming what I had dreamed. Thoughts of how horrible I was, and how miserable I had become crept in nightly.
It would be these low moments I would bawl my eyes out to my family, and friends. I would be crying so hard I couldn't breath, and sobbing was the only language some of them could hear on the other end. And yet their voices can still be heard today. I could do it. Most of them know me, and my lists, and would help me set up a list of things that NEEDED to get done, and then work from there. One step at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time became a new way of thinking.
And then slowly one thing at a time got done, and moved off of the list. The thesis was first. Then my first class's final. Grades were released and I had received an A in the class and on the thesis. Then we had a break through in counseling. Then my third grade team started to click. Then I started thinking about getting a new job for next year. Then my old fifth grade team gathered around me, and held me high. Then we had another good counseling session. Then my last class started. Then Jacob and I ran the Thanksgiving Half Marathon together and had our best time ever. I must admit crossing that finishing line meant more to me than just a race. It had a lot of meaning to me that Jacob and I were crossing it together. We have new personal records of 2 hours and 23 minutes. Then I completed my final for my last class ever, and dropped it off. I was going to miss my last class as I went to Grandpa Larkin's memorial service in Colorado. Two days after I dropped off that final, the first week of Dec., my stress rash disappeared.
I think of the trip to Colorado as a turning point. I didn't have anymore assignments due. I only had my third graders to think about. And there were times I was not even sure Jacob and I would be making the trip together, but we did, and we were able to refresh together. Being away from the normal stresses, and being there together gave us the chance we needed to put everything into place.
Since then my family and friends have been called a lot less, or at least with me having break downs on the other end. I finally feel like I can take on the world. As I look back on the blog I wonder why I didn't let the truth come out. Part of me didn't want anyone else knowing how stressed I was, because that would mean it was real. I am also not one to let it all hang out, but I can't describe how much better this feels.
This holiday break has been AMAZING! I left my classroom knowing that I could take on next year. A new year, half way through the year. I also knew there was nothing I HAD to do over break. So I have done pretty much nothing. The first few days I literally stayed in bed. I laid around reading books, and watching nonsense TV. I didn't stress about getting shopping done, and it got done, and on time. We made the decision to make this years holidays around us, doing nothing. And that is what we did. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve, and Christmas. Here are some pics if you care. We really had a great holiday. It was focused on us, and our animals. We were so relaxed, didn't leave the house, and had a "stay"cation if you will.
And that brings us to the day after Christmas, today. I just felt like I had the time, and maybe this post will help someone who is, or will go through something similar. I can take this time to look back on what I went through. This time has made me stronger, and it brought me closer to God. If you have a relationship with God you know that to be true. Anytime you feel that you can not take anymore, or get through what you are handed you just fall to your knees. He helped me seek help through my friends and family and gather the strength I needed. And here I am. Reflecting. Calm. No rash.
So that is what has really been going on in the life of me.
This past fall (since August really) has been the hardest season of my life. Now that I can sit back and reflect, I am not quite sure how I made it through. Actually I do know. My family rode this stress journey out with me. They were always a call away, and really if I had asked would have been on my door step in a second. My best friend Shane has words of wisdom that I hope to someday repay him with if he ever needs it. And of course my friends the Burdens who dropped whatever they were doing to be ears that I needed. And then a God send of my friends the Keys who literally, I feel were asked to drop in by God. I know if I would have reached out to others they would have done the same. I only hope that now I am back on my feet that I will be able to repay these friends back by being the same friend they were to me.
This past fall I had to finish my last semester of my Masters. As an added bonus they moved up the due date for my Thesis. I put myself under an enormous amount of stress as I was carrying a 4.0 and was two classes and a thesis away from graduating with it. This pressure was so great, that it often brought me to tears and melt downs. On top of a thesis and two classes, with papers and assignments, I was trying to lead the third grade team, and learn what to teach for this new grade. If you have never been a teacher, I can not explain what it takes to learn a specific grade, and then have to teach it. This includes coming up with projects, and fun activities, most of them from my own head, or the internet. All of this took up time and I spent late nights in the classroom trying to get my head on straight. When I would finally leave the classroom I would be so upset with myself for not leaving enough time to work on my thesis or other school stuff I would once again completely fade away to meltdown mode.
The best part was towards the middle of August when I developed a rash that wouldn't go away. It showed up on both elbows and burned like nothing I had ever had before. It was of course a stress rash, and spread through Sept. and Oct. It covered my elbows, and then went up and down my arms. This was a constant reminder of all that I had on my plate, and a reminder of how poorly I was doing at it all.
This fall my marriage was put to the test. Be it some of my fault or not, either way it was a struggle and an added fight in which I was battling. We started seeing a counselor and yet it was an added pressure I felt I might fall under. Long nights at work, only to come home and be in depression, and at times feeling completely lost. I would wonder how I got to this point. Then thoughts of how I am 27 and no kids, and no hope of becoming what I had dreamed. Thoughts of how horrible I was, and how miserable I had become crept in nightly.
It would be these low moments I would bawl my eyes out to my family, and friends. I would be crying so hard I couldn't breath, and sobbing was the only language some of them could hear on the other end. And yet their voices can still be heard today. I could do it. Most of them know me, and my lists, and would help me set up a list of things that NEEDED to get done, and then work from there. One step at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time became a new way of thinking.
And then slowly one thing at a time got done, and moved off of the list. The thesis was first. Then my first class's final. Grades were released and I had received an A in the class and on the thesis. Then we had a break through in counseling. Then my third grade team started to click. Then I started thinking about getting a new job for next year. Then my old fifth grade team gathered around me, and held me high. Then we had another good counseling session. Then my last class started. Then Jacob and I ran the Thanksgiving Half Marathon together and had our best time ever. I must admit crossing that finishing line meant more to me than just a race. It had a lot of meaning to me that Jacob and I were crossing it together. We have new personal records of 2 hours and 23 minutes. Then I completed my final for my last class ever, and dropped it off. I was going to miss my last class as I went to Grandpa Larkin's memorial service in Colorado. Two days after I dropped off that final, the first week of Dec., my stress rash disappeared.
I think of the trip to Colorado as a turning point. I didn't have anymore assignments due. I only had my third graders to think about. And there were times I was not even sure Jacob and I would be making the trip together, but we did, and we were able to refresh together. Being away from the normal stresses, and being there together gave us the chance we needed to put everything into place.
Since then my family and friends have been called a lot less, or at least with me having break downs on the other end. I finally feel like I can take on the world. As I look back on the blog I wonder why I didn't let the truth come out. Part of me didn't want anyone else knowing how stressed I was, because that would mean it was real. I am also not one to let it all hang out, but I can't describe how much better this feels.
This holiday break has been AMAZING! I left my classroom knowing that I could take on next year. A new year, half way through the year. I also knew there was nothing I HAD to do over break. So I have done pretty much nothing. The first few days I literally stayed in bed. I laid around reading books, and watching nonsense TV. I didn't stress about getting shopping done, and it got done, and on time. We made the decision to make this years holidays around us, doing nothing. And that is what we did. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve, and Christmas. Here are some pics if you care. We really had a great holiday. It was focused on us, and our animals. We were so relaxed, didn't leave the house, and had a "stay"cation if you will.
And that brings us to the day after Christmas, today. I just felt like I had the time, and maybe this post will help someone who is, or will go through something similar. I can take this time to look back on what I went through. This time has made me stronger, and it brought me closer to God. If you have a relationship with God you know that to be true. Anytime you feel that you can not take anymore, or get through what you are handed you just fall to your knees. He helped me seek help through my friends and family and gather the strength I needed. And here I am. Reflecting. Calm. No rash.
So that is what has really been going on in the life of me.
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