Beach To Battleship Race Report

Just getting to the race is part of race day, so that is where I will start. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

My alarm went off at 4:30 am.  Everything was packed, and all Jacob and I had to do was grab the last minute items, get some clothes on, and throw Cade in the car.  We were on our way out to the car to set on our way, and I looked at Jacob and said "Um...we forgot to grab Alice (my bike)".  I don't know if we would have left the driveway without the bike, but we got about as close as I want ever want to be.  We were on the road just a little after 5 am.

Cade is a great car rider.  We left early enough that he slept for a few hours, and we were well out of Atlanta when we needed to stop. 

We arrived in Wilmington NC about 12:30.  There was a mandatory athletes' meeting at 2, that I was to attend.  We had a lot of trouble finding parking.  I started to stress as I hate when things don't go smoothly, and driving around and around the convention center didn't put my nerves at ease.  We finally found parking, and got into the convention center, to find the line for number pick up was almost out the door.  I got in line at 1:00.  I didn't make it to the athletes' meeting until after 2:00.  The organization of the number pick up, was a disaster.  I have been at many other races with many more athletes with better organization.  That was a real down point, and I felt the this brought on a lot of stress that shouldn't have been there.

Lauren (our swimmer) fell victim to the same number pick up disaster and she, too, was late to the meeting. But we did meet up and then went our separate ways, as I had to drop off my bike at Transition 1 (T1), and she went to check out the swim start. 

I drop Alice off at T1

 I met up with some of the other relay team people at T1.  It was good to see them, and the cool thing was all of our bikes were really close to each other.  That put my mind at ease...a little.  I was able to see Beth (our runner), and just seeing her made me feel a bit calmer.  Then we had some time to check into the hotel, and then it was off to dinner with the other full Ironman relay teams.  There were three full relay teams made up of people who I train with.  I was super nervous!  We talked about worst case scenarios, and then just ate dinner and off to bed we went. 

--> I never sleep well before any race.  I woke up constantly throughout the night.  The only good thing is that I compete every race on little sleep, so this has become my normal.  


RACE DAY
Saturday, October 26, 2013

4:30 am - Wake up call/alarm clocks go off.  One of my fears is not waking for race, so multiple alarms are set. 

5:45 am - We leave the hotel.  We stayed at the same place as Lauren and her husband, so we left together. There was no real traffic and we made it to T1 in no time.  It was so dark, and so cold.  I think it dipped into the 30s right around dawn. I went into T1 and dropped off my bike stuff: helmet, gloves, food, water bottles, bike shoes, ect.  My tires were really low, and I started to get nervous I had a leak, as I had just pumped my tires up the next day.  Barbara reassured me that it was just the dip in the temperatures.  But I was still freaking out in the back of my mind.  We all took some pictures before the swimmers got on the bus to go to the swim start. 

Team Where's Jen? really tired, and really cold.

 6:45 am - The swimmers got on the bus to go to the start of the race, and the rest of us went back to our cars to sit in the heat.  We put the seats down in our car, and sat in the back to feed Cade, and let him play around.  Because I have a habit in not actually sitting around and relaxing, I started going through all of my bags, and visually going through the race, one more time.  This is when I noticed I didn't have my sunglasses. PANIC!  Panic is actually an understatement.  Jacob and I came up with a plan that he would take Cade, go back to the hotel room (which is where I figured out the glasses were, as Cade had knocked down my race pile (twice) the night before and I was sure that it had fallen under the couch) grab my glasses and try to make it back before I got on the bike.  If he didn't make it, I would go without.  Going without would have been a disaster, another understatement.  But what choice did I have? 

7:00 am - I called Beth (who was in another car) and told her my plan.  She was in a car with Barbara, who said she had at least 2 pairs of sunglasses in her car.  Barbara to the rescue! Olga came and let me into Barbara's car, she had some I could choose between, and she had one pair in my signature color pink.  It couldn't have worked out any better.  So my heart rate went through the roof, and then was brought back down. 

7:30 am - The race started.  My nerves went from on edge, to jacked up.  I hate HATE the swim.  I was so nervous for Lauren. 

8:15 am - We all got out of the cars, and the temps had slightly gone up.  The sun was up, and it was time to go into T1. 

Picture right before I left to go into T1.  We had Cade so bundled up. 

 8:30 am - I am in T1 and hanging with Barbara and Lia, who were also doing the bike legs.  Their swimmers got in and passed off the timing chips.  They were off a little passed 8:30. 

9:15 am - I am still in T1, waiting.  My mind is starting to wander.  I am seeing athlete after athlete come in from the swim and get their bikes.  But where was Lauren?  As I mentioned before I hate the swim, and there are many images that were running rapid through my mind.  Ingrid (one of the swimmers) was hanging out with me, trying to reassure me that everything would be okay.

9:30 am - I am still in T1.  I was full on panic mode.  Where the he** was Lauren?  What has happened.  I had emotions of fear for her, and then frustration, as I had trained so long and the race was over.  I found myself pleading to God that she would be the next athlete to come through transition. And then the next. Surely she would be the next.  We were way passed even her "worst case" time. Something must have happened.  My breathing had become shallow.  I could feel my heart beat in my throat. I wanted to cry.  For her, for me, for Beth.  What the he** had happened?????

9:45 am - I see her!  I had to press my lips together to keep my wits about me.  I wanted to cry for relief, and then fear.  I had to be off bike by 5:45 pm.  This left me exactly 8 hours.  I had never done a full 112 miles.  One century had taken me 8 hours and 45 minutes.  The other 7 hours and 42 minutes.  Somewhere in the middle is where I figured 112 miles would land me.  As Lauren ran up to me, and I bent over to get the timing chip, I wanted to hug her, I wanted to tell her how worried I was, but I had an enormous stress elephant sitting on top of me.  I had to finish this race in 8 hours.  No other options.  So I had to go. 

This is me leaving.  I was stressed, happy, emotional.  Jacob thought I was pissed. 

Me leaving.  112 miles lay ahead of me. 

I got on the bike.  I was beyond cold.  I guess all of my emotions had helped my mind forget how cold it was.  But jumping on my bike reminded me quickly.  I also realized I had to pee.  Sort of badly.  The wind took my by surprise.  I knew there would be wind.  Or at least I thought I had prepared myself for wind.  I hadn't.  My toes were so numb.  Not only cold, but my feet were frozen.  Jacob had worked on fixing my bike computer, and when I looked down, it had numbers, so I figured it was working. The start of the bike had a lot of turns to get out of town, and on to a highway.  I really focused on just staying up right on the bike and really I just wanted to push as hard as I could, because I had an 8 hour time limit.  Something I thought about each time I pushed a pedal down on Alice.

I got out on to highway, and the wind was rough.  I looked down at my bike computer to figure how fast I was going to see it said 32 what I thought was mph.  I thought holy crap slow down.  Don't let race day jitters get to you.  I normally average 15 mph.  But I took a mental check and I felt my cadence was right on for my normal 15 mph.  I started questioning myself on what I knew, and what I was going to do.  Then I looked closer at the computer.  It was kph.  In other words my bike was in metric.  Fan-Fricken-tabulous.  I felt myself deflate a little.  I made myself come to terms with where I was, and what I had.

There was wind. A LOT.
It was cold.
I didn't have a bike computer.
I had 8 hours.  Less now because each second meant less.
I had sunglasses.
My toes were numb.
 I had to pee.

I got my bearings back.  I would have physically slapped myself if I wasn't afraid a wind gust was going to knock me off the bike.  I couldn't take the time, or the time to slow down to fix the computer.  I clicked a few buttons and it changed back to time.  At least I would know what time it was.  I had my garmin watch (that I knew would die before I finished) going for now, and would get me far enough along.  I set my first goal of doing 16 miles in the first hour.  I made it.  I actually made it to 16.5 miles, so I felt I had given myself enough time, to jump off the bike and go pee at the first stop.

The first stop was at mile 20.  I jumped off my bike, only had to wait for the person inside the porta potty to come out, and back on the bike.  The whole stop took less than 2 minutes.  I didn't eat or drink anything here.  I felt a million times better after I peed.

I set my next goal to do 32 miles in 2 hours.  I also achieved this one.  No extra time, but it was achieved.  The second stop was around mile 40.  I had set my third goal to get to mile 48 in 3 hours.  I was doing math over and over again in my head.  Sometimes it would come out and I would finish in time, and other times it wouldn't.  I was so focused on time, and miles.  My mind was spinning. The next stop would be right in the middle of goal #3.  But I knew I had to stop and fuel, and I had become nervous about my toes, as they were still numb.  At the second stop I ate a Chewy Granola Bar.  I also had G2 and water in between my areo bars and I was consistently sipping.  I also had sweet potato fries in my bento box that I was munching on throughout.  I filled up one of my water bottles with water.  I asked a medic if I should be concerned about my feet.  She seemed a little nervous, but told me they should thaw out soon.  The sun was almost center in the sky, and there was little shade.  When I clipped into my bike I still had no idea if I had clipped in, as my feet were so numb. 

Goal #3 was to be 48 miles at the 3 hour mark.  I didn't make it.  I became mentally defeated.  At this point I had been on the bike for a while, and little or no one around.  My mind was wandering, and the fear of not finishing on time was so real.  I had never been in this situation in a race before.  I just had to keep pedaling.  I noticed my back and shoulders started aching.  Much earlier than on any of my other rides.  I figured it was because of the wind (that had yet to be at my back).  When a wind gust would hit I would tense up, as not to fall off the bike.  The aches were just really annoying. 

Made it to mile 56, which was half way.  There were volunteers there who took my bike, and I had a special needs bag with some food, and more G2 in it.  I went to the bathroom and texted Jacob and Beth to let them know I was at 56.  I saw a lot of people laying on the ground, and wondering around, but I knew I didn't have a lot of time to spare.  I ate some more granola, and sweet potato fries, and asked for them to get my bike.  I was off.  I met a guy named Mark, as we left together.  He was doing his first full Ironman.  I was reminded of the amazing athleticism I was surrounded by. 

I started doing math again.  And again.  And again.  Sometimes it would work out.  Other times I would get mad and frustrated, screaming at myself, in my head of course.  The course was lonely.  I was riding faster than Mark, so I was out there alone.  There is nothing but your own thoughts to listen to.  I made a final goal, to be at mile 100 by 5:00. The wind had not been at my back at all.  There was a small 5 mile stretch where I didn't feel the wind, but I am pretty sure it just wasn't blowing.  Every wind burst tried to knock me off my bike.  I was way beyond over the wind.

The fourth stop was at mile 70.  There is an exit "Just South of the Border" right under NC in SC. It is a Mexican themed amusement area, and they had sponsored stop #4.  So a lot of fun signs, giving us mileage until the stop.  There were military soldiers dressed in their BDUs handing out fuel and water.  I stopped long enough to fill my water bottle, and do a Hammer Gel.  I thanked all of the soldiers, but they were more in awe of me.  I felt out of place.  I didn't feel bad yet, just overly stressed.  One of the volunteers told me that the wind would be at my back soon enough. I was coming around the curve and it should be at my back.  There was some relief in that. 

The fifth stop was at mile 90. The wind was not at my back at any point.  I was going past houses that would have flags out in their front yard.  I would just curse the flags, for I could see the wind.  It was one thing to feel it against my face, my cheeks, my lips, but to see it. Ugh. That was a whole new level of mental exhaustion.  I stopped to once again fill my bottles, and eat some granola, fries, and a Gel.  There was an older gentleman (doing the whole thing) and he is chatting with a volunteer who said that the wind should be at our backs when we get back on the highway round mile 96.  I tell him he had better be right, as I started to feel like the wind was getting the better of me.  I still had a goal to make mile 100 by 5:00, and even thought at that point I felt like it was obtainable; with the wind, and making it up on the 100 mile mark, I just didn't know. 

My Garmin watch stopped working around mile 93.  I still had my bike computer that let me know the actual time.  My watch was consistently beeping.  The noise was literally putting me over the edge.  It was the last straw that my mind almost couldn't get over.  I was mentally exhausted, and my body was slowly going from aching, to I am not sure I want to move any more.  The old man passed me and said we had about 2 miles to the highway, where the wind would push us along.  I made it to the highway, and guess what?  You got it, the wind was just coming from the left, and pushing my tires sideways.

There was a last stop at 100.  It had only been 10 miles since the last stop, and I had only 12 miles left.  I also only had one hour to get there.  I had accomplished my goal of making 100 miles by 5:00, so I buzzed right past that stop.  I saw some signs from my training group along the way, and there were some cars, and a few people.  I was given a new hope.  I knew I was getting closer to the city.  My watch continued to beep, until the last two miles.  I thought about just throwing the watch on the road, but being a $300 watch I did have some common sense left.  I had one last "obstacle" to get over before the end. 

I was told that there was a bridge, towards the end, that had grates on it.  It was about 400 yards of grates. Under the grates was the ocean. I have a fear of drowning.  The thought of being able to see the water underneath, and never have experienced riding over grates the little bit of energy I could muster went to stress.  I made a left turn and there was the bridge.  I kept riding as fast and as hard as I had left inside me.  It was the longest minute of my life.  I hated every second of it.  But I got over it, and I felt a real sense of accomplishment.  I also knew the end was near!

When I pulled up beside the convention center I could see the runners going out.  I didn't even dare look down at my computer to see what time it was.  All I knew was I wasn't going to get pulled off the course. 

Me coming in to dismount

Thank goodness for this volunteer.  He steadied my bike so I could dismount, and not fall on my butt.

He gave me directions of where to go

I felt like there were so many people there to see me dismount.  There was so much screaming, and so many familiar faces. If I hadn't been so worried about getting the timing chip to Beth, so she would have enough time to run, I think I would have welled with tears.  To come in to those kind of cheers was amazing.  I guess there are some perks to coming in last out of our training people.  I had to run all around this huge convention center room, and then back out.  That is where I met Beth and Lauren.  I bent over to take the chip off my leg, but Lauren was already on her knee taking it off.  Good thing too, as I am not positive I would have been able to get back up.  Beth was off.  It was then I asked what time it was.  It wasn't even 5:30 yet!

5: 30 pm - I went back to the car to put Alice up, and change my clothes.  My toes were still numb.  I was able to walk, and I wasn't as sore as I had envisioned.  I changed into my team shirt, and off we went to find the others.  We went to dinner, which I had thought I wanted to eat, but I wasn't as hungry as I thought.  We stationed ourselves at our tent, and cheered on the runners. 

My cheer team! Love this family of mine!

Cade is such a great race baby!  

 When we got back from dinner we were told Beth had gone by and she didn't seem like she was in a good mood.  So Lauren and I went to a jump in spot and waited for her.  We jogged less than 1/2 a mile with her, but she seemed in a great mood. She was over half way, and she just wanted to get it done. 

We were left to wait.  And wait.  It got so cold.  My body was trying to recover from me pushing it 112 miles, and the actual temperature dropped as the sun went down.  It was awe-inspiring to watch these full Ironman crossing the end of the running.  They didn't just do one sport, but all three.  They had been moving their bodies since 7:30 that morning.  It was really cool.  We got some texts from Beth that helped us decide when she would be coming.  Cade had long since fell asleep in his stroller.  He was out cold.  We found a jump in spot, not too far from the finish.  Luckily we found a nice police officer who had his car running, and he let us lean/lay on the hood of his car.  Oh it was so warm!  Then we saw Beth and we all started screaming!

Right before the finish! Team Where's Jen?

Going through the finish! We did it!  15 hours, 42 minutes.  

 We finished a little after 11 pm.  I was friends with Lauren and Beth before this race.  But this race has tied us together in way that is different than it was before.  Without either of them I wouldn't have this medal.  I wouldn't be able to say I am 1/3rd an Ironman.  I am eternally grateful to each of them for all of the energy, time, and commitment that they each put into this race. 

The back of our shirts

Together we are an Ironman!!!!

The bike part took me 7 hours and 36 minutes I found out later after the tracking program was released online.  Those 7 hours were hard.  Mentally.  Physically.  But I wouldn't have traded a minute of it.  I am stronger today because of this race. 

Dear Congress

I know this letter will find you extremely busy, and you represent all of the people in the United States, so let me introduce myself.   I was born in the 80's and went to school in the 90's.  The economy was strong and although my parents were divorced, I wanted for little.  Growing up in a small town, it was instilled in me at a young age that you work for what you want in life and you have to get the job done a little better than the guy next to you to keep your job.  Because of those exact values I found myself employed for the first time at an after school job at the age of 15.  In the economy I grew up in it was common for high school students to work as servers, ice cream shop attendants, pizza delivery drivers, and grocery baggers. I have been employed, read that as paid taxes, since the year 2000. 

I went through a 4 year program at a university that excelled in producing employable candidates for my major.  Even though I worked 40+ hours, most of which were 10pm - 8am so I could attend university classes, I still had to take out a considerable amount in loans.  Although I had a high GPA, I couldn't always take the time needed to complete the applications and essays for the big scholarships, as most of my extra time was in extracurricular school based activities, or working.  The extra my parents had put away for my college costs did not come close to covering the almost 200% increase in tuition that I found myself immersed in.   But that did not deter me.  I was reassured that taking out loans to further my education would pay off in the end as I would have a degree, and I could then get a better job than those without.  I felt as if I was making a fine decision because I was paying what I could in tuition, and compared to others my loan amounts were small.

Something else happened while I was in school for my undergrad, I married my high school sweetheart before he left on a tour to Iraq.  He joined the Military September 12, 2001, but his paperwork states his enlistment date as September 11, 2001.  In the midst of what we now commonly refer to as September 11 all of the recruiting stations closed on that date in 2001.  Had they been open, my now husband would have signed his name on the line that very day.   In 2004 his unit was needed in Iraq, and he was proud to go over.  Two weeks before we married and his deployment date, I had been diagnosed with a chronic blood disorder.  I was in college, so I was diagnosed while under my parent's insurance, United Health Care.  I would require weekly doctor visits, numerous blood work, steroids, shots, and a lot more to try and get my health back to par.  As soon as United Health Care learned of me being married they kicked me to the curb, leaving me to fight through the process of TriCare Military Insurance.  I will remind you I was a young woman going to university, with no intentions of moving to a military base.  I had to drive 70+ miles to the closest military approved doctor, and for a while that was a weekly occurrence.  I say only for a while because when they found out I had been pre-diagnosed with a disorder I was receiving treatment for, I became uninsurable.  I was refused any help. 

As it turned out, the job I was working to help pay the bills did offer United Health Care, and I soon learned they had to provide me with a plan as I had been diagnosed while under their "care".  But representative after representative not so kindly reminded me that my lifetime balance had already started, at the ripe old age of 21.  I had no options or choices in health care, and United Health Care could do what they wanted because I was with them, or I was without.  For my last two years in college my paychecks were at times negative because I was paying for a health insurance plan while being employed as a server.

During my senior year there was a lot of talk among my professors about how hard it was becoming to get a teaching job in Michigan.  They could see the state start to hold back on its education budget, and they were the first to warn me of changes they felt were coming. Because of the forewarning, I looked at other states for employment.   I was able to sign a contract as an elementary school teacher in Atlanta in January of 2007.  I was not lucky enough to land a job in a school that would help pay off my student loans, but I felt the salary on my contract would more than cover those expenses.   My husband and I spent everything we had to make the life changing move to Georgia.  I consider the economy dropping off point the year of 2007.  As first year teachers all went to their teacher mailboxes and received the news they were not being offered a contract, I signed my contract for another year.  I had been saved by a six month window.

Hard times have been plentiful in the last 7 years.  Health issues, military trouble, furloughs, insurance claims that have gone unanswered, and the like have rained over our small family.  Don't get me wrong, there have been great times too.  As we traveled through the past few years we have made good financial decisions.  We created and stayed within a budget.  We don't live beyond our means.  We have never had any credit card debt.  The house that we reside in is not more than we could handle.   We pay our bills on time.  But now let me get to the point where I find myself today.

Today I am 30 year old teacher, who has a Masters in her field.  I have worked at the same school for the past 8 school years.  I do not have anything in my savings account, and that is not from a lack of trying. See, the teaching contract that I once thought would be more than enough to cover our expenses is actually less today than the day I signed it 8 years ago.  In the past 8 years, it is true I have kept my job and for that I am thankful.   But the district that I work for has had to downsize as is a common story all around.  Teachers were not given contracts, schools were closed, and class sizes have been raised.  Our contract days were increased, but I have not received an increase of step pay, or cost of living in 7 years.  I have been furloughed at least 4 days each year for the past 5 years.   I am working for the same pay I was expected to live on 7 years ago, but the world does not have the same costs as it did in 2007.  Gas is almost $2 more a gallon, groceries have increased, insurance has almost doubled in cost and now covers less.  About every three months my paycheck is $200 less due to a furlough.  With the government shut down there is a chance my husband's reserve unit won't have drill, which would leave us about $200 short again this month.  As a government employee I am living pay check to pay check.  I have medical bills that I have no choice but to pay, as I am stuck in an insurance plan that resents me for becoming sick.  I pay almost 48% of my monthly income to student loans that were supposed to help me achieve my American Dream. 

I know you must work hard for your dream.  I can assure you I am working hard.  I am thankful for a job, a house, and I am generally happy in life.  So, Congress, I am here to invite you to come and live a day in my life.  To follow our budget, to work my hours, eat my lunch, and complete my daily tasks.  I know you have a lot of people to represent, but I am left wondering if when you show up to work on getting the people who are furloughed right now back to work, if you are really thinking about the "us" out there.  Because, I have to be honest.  I don't think I am that different from the majority of the 30 somethings out there.  We were placed in the economy at a bad time, and we are doing what we can to make the best of it.  I am left wondering are you?  Are you really doing what is best for the majority of us in what is called middle class?  Do you really know what it is like on a daily, or weekly basis?  Is your goal to help my generation?  I am a voter, and do vote, but I just feel like no one in Washington is really thinking about the people your decisions are impacting.  Because let's be honest, this shut down isn't affecting you. 

In closing, I would be happy to support your decision, even have your back in the media, to take one day away from the bargaining table to come and spend the time with me.  And by me, I mean the average American.

Thank you for your consideration,

Someone who believes government is not working for "me"

100 Freakin' Miles

On September 8 I left my car in a carpooling parking lot at 5:45am.  I had loaded my bike, who I call Alice, on the back of Barbara's car.  I felt relieved to be carpooling with Barbara that morning, as she is realistic in her advice, and coaching.  I considered myself lucky to in the seat next to her for our hour ride south of Atlanta, to the Wilson Bike Club Century Ride.

I had gotten back on my bike, after an almost 18 month hiatus, in January of this year.  I had dusted off my bike, literally, and reminded myself how to hook it up to the bike trainer that had found what it thought was a permanent residence in the corner.  For my first ride I had a goal of riding 45 minutes.  I barely made it through 30.

But that all seems like years ago.  Since that first ride back in the saddle, I have done nothing but focus on getting through the 112 miles that will be required of me at the end of Oct.  And then, somehow, I found myself on my way to my first "only bike race".   Not only just a bike race, but a 100 mile race.

My friends/teammates/advice givers had reminded me over and over, that this was NOT a race, but a 100 mile bike ride.  A ride in which we could try out race day techniques, find a cadence that works, and of course work out any food/fuel issue.  There was a time limit, but that should be far away from my mind, as I would make any cut off necessary.

We arrived, somewhere in Cowetta (I am not entirely sure), and met up with other people from our training circles.  It was suggested that we go and register first.  Everyone around me started pulling out their paperwork.  I started to panic in my mind.  I had been so overwhelmed with my life in August I had given so little thought to this event, that I hadn't even thought about what I would need for "race" day.  I lied and said I had left the papers on my counter at home, and grabbed my ID in hopes that would be enough.  It was, and I was given my black bracelet to wear during the ride.  We went back to our bikes to get ready.  Others were putting on sunscreen, something else I 'left on the counter'.  But let's be honest, I was just happy I had remembered my two bike shoes, and helmet.  After picking up a map, two potty breaks, packing my bento box, and water bottles (I carry 4, two with food, 2 with liquid) our group decided to head off a little before the official start at 8 am.

It was a nice cool start.  I had been warned that the course was "hilly", but that is what you would expect in northern Georgia.  But this was rolling hills, after rolling hills, after rolling hills.  Most of my training has been in my basement on the trainer, or on the only "flat" area in Atlanta the Silver Comet Trail.  But I took the hills on with the best attitude I could muster.  The first part of the ride was shady, and in the country.  Cute, farm houses and large fields.  As the sun came up I could feel it get a little warmer, but I was really enjoying the ride.

Somewhere around mile 15-18, I found myself in Tour-de-France-hell.  The pack of bikers, who apparently didn't get the memo that this was just a "ride" had finally caught up with us.  They were packed in 4 wide, and touching elbows.  The anxiety in my body went wild, and it was a struggle to keep my breathing under control.  I focused on the road ahead of me. I came up out of my arrow bar position.  I just kept repeating "keep your bars straight" over and over in my head.  It seemed to last forever.  In reality it was maybe a full minute of bikers, but that is not how I would enjoy a bike race. 

I think the first rest stop (forgive the non-bike lingo, as I still feel a bit out of my element when discussing bike things) was around mile 20.  Unlike a water stop in a foot race, at these stops you get off your bike, walk around, talk with others, use the bathroom, eat food, fill up bottles, drink, talk a little more, pack a few items on your bike, and then get on your bike.  No hurry.  It was a little weird, as I was still a little in "race" mode, but I knew the hard part of the bike was coming, so I just did what the others were doing, and tried not to look out of place.

At this point people who were doing 62 miles, which I found out was pretty much everyone, split from the idiots who were out to do the full 100.  Barbara, Lia, and I are all training for the same relay so off we went.  Talk about feeling out of your element.  Barbara and Lia are both amazing athletes, and Ironman, (or Ironmen?).  A feat I will only be 1/3 of, when I finish the 112 miles.  Not to mention they are both much more comfortable and faster than myself on the bike.  But it was the three of us, and I figured I would follow their lead, I mean who better to learn how to do these bike events than those two.  There was a stop between 30-40 but that was a short stop, and we didn't even get off our bikes completely.  Just a fill of the bottles, and ate some fuel. 

The next stop was at 50 miles.  I felt really good yet.  My butt had just started to ache, and it did feel good to get off the bike at that point.  Each rest stop was "sponsored" by a group of some kind, and honestly the 50 miles stop was kinda pathetic.  I knew we were kind of the slow people in the group at that point, as they were running low on liquid, and the food options were not as plentiful as the other stops.  We looked over the map and figured out we had a 16 mile loop, and we would be back at this stop at 66 miles.  We took off.

The miles between 55-65 were horrible.  I had the same song running through my head over and over again.  The sun was beating on my back.  I was in my arrow bars most of the time, and the sun was just so hot.  There was almost zero shade during this entire stretch.   As I think back on this I am pretty sure I was under nourished, and slightly dehydrated.  I had a hot spot on my right foot, and the pain was almost unbearable. But I just kept pedaling.  One foot down, then the other.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Again.  Again.  My bike computer has been broken for awhile, so I was relying on my Garmin watch for mileage.  It wasn't perfectly accurate, so as it came around to mile 66 I didn't start to panic that we weren't back at the rest stop.  I mean I was for sure it was right over the next hill.  Then I was sure it was over the next hill.  And then of course it was over the next one.  Mile 67, then mile 68 showed up on my watch.  I started talking crazy in my head.  I was out of water.  I was starting to figure we had taken a wrong turn, missed a road somewhere.  I felt as though we would never get out of the sun.  Then over a hill, and to the right sat a rest stop.  Not the rest stop we intended, but a rest stop.

Rolling into this rest stop was a welcome site.  It was under a picnic shelter, and the food was plentiful and diverse.  They had ice and many liquid options.  They had benches, and a clean porta-potty.  Then I overhead a few other bikers talking about taking a wrong turn.  I thought, us too, and started to listen in.  While still in what I thought was a heat daze I heard them saying that this was the rest stop for mile 84.  Wait.  What?  Mile 84? My watch said just a little over 68.  What the bleepin' beep happened to the other 16 miles?  What do you mean I won't actually finish 100 miles today?  What did I train for?  How was this happening?  I just walked away.  I went and filled up my bottles and figured I would talk with Barbara and Lia.  I think Barbara could see the signs of the heat exhausted disappointment written all over my face when it was confirmed we were 14 miles short of where we needed to be.

We devised a plan.  We would ride back out the way we came for 8 miles, and then ride back, which would put us back at this very spot at mile 84. Then we could go out and finish the last 16 to the finish.  Well of course the last thing I wanted to do was to go back on the path that had lead me astray so mentally, but what better way to fight through the mental game of this ride than to do it again.

Out and back with no real problems, besides the part of us kicking ourselves for having to what we considered some of the hardest road to cover, again.  The best part was making it back to that wonderful, fully stocked, cool rest area.  This time it was a struggle to get Barbara and Lia to leave.  The shade and abundant ice was just too perfect, and the thought of the final 16 miles seemed almost overwhelming.  At that point I was so ready to just finish, I didn't care to sit around and relax a minute longer.  We all saddled back up, and the last 16 miles went along without a hitch.

My watch gave out at mile 97 and it said it had taken us around 8 hours to get there.  After my watch gave out, I felt as if I didn't have a gauge for distance so the last 3 miles went on f.o.r.e.v.e.r.  And then it happened.  I saw the school, where we would end, in the distance.  Only there wasn't any finish line.  No one waiting around cheering us on.  What was once a full, busy parking lot, now held 4 cars, and not a single tent.  I crossed into the parking lot, and no one was around to see it.

The school building that once held a full end of course buffet, was locked and completely cleaned up.  One of the volunteers who was finishing cleaning the cafeteria handed us a bag of chips, and said she would make us cheese sandwiches.  It was literally all that was left in the large, empty room.  I ate the chips, but passed on the sandwich.  I had snacks in the car to eat.  

The full 100 miles took 8 hours and 16 minutes.  I completed my first 100 in a way that is not in typical Amanda fashion.  Quietly, and mostly alone.  And yet it was a perfect way to end a full 100.  I had the two people who have trained with me from the time I hadn't ridden a bike since middle school, to I think I can do a triathlon, to why not try a full Ironman.  Two friends who had stayed with me, encouraged me, and set me up for success to finish my first 100.  There is a picture on Lia's phone of the three of us, but I don't have it yet.  I will post it as soon as I get it.

Somewhere in the 8 hours it took us to finish, I became more confident on my bike.  I now feel at ease in my arrow bars.  I don't break when going down steep hills anymore.  I change gears from the inner to the outer without even thinking about the steps that it takes.  I enjoyed my mostly solo 8 hours.  Just me and Alice.  

But did I mention?  I rode my bike 100 freakin' miles?!

An old picture, but a good one of Alice and me

August

August.  The word brings fear to most teachers.  The end of summer.  The beginning of the work.  The start of a new school year.  A group of new students to get to know, assess, educate, and entertain.  A new schedule.

This year school started at the end of July, so even by the first of August I was knee deep in my school schedule.  I knew August would be crazy.  The new school year, a new principal, I in a new teacher position, then to top that all off with my sister-in-law was due mid August, Cade turned 1 which of course called for a party, my sister was due late August which meant I wanted to get some time back in MI with my new nephews, and then I was training for this little thing called an Ironman, where I am expected to bike 112 miles, with my B-race of a 100 mile ride on Sept. 8.  Then throw in trying to find a babysitter for multiple occasions.  Whew.  Just typing that exhausted me.

I am here to write that I barely survived.  I was close to a mental breakdown, and I felt as if I had taken on way more than I could chew.  Poor Jacob took the blunt of most of my stress, then Cade missed out on time that was taken up with after school activities and trainings.  My mental health took a dive, and I made some silly/simple mistakes throughout the month of August.  Paid the bill to the wrong account (twice), missed two bills, got our trash service cancelled, had to wing it teaching (more than a couple of times).  My diet went out the window, and my training was all over the place.

I felt as if I was a mom with NO balance.  I was working 12-14 hours a day, trying to catch up in the classroom/start of the school activities.  When I did get home I was trying to spend the little time I had with Cade, which left Jacob cooking and cleaning up.  Then down the trainer to get on the bike, just to feel miserable/guilty the entire time I was there.  Jumping in the shower, and then trying to force myself to sleep, about 2 hours after I should have been in bed already.  As Jacob left for work it was just then I would realize we had barely spoken two words to each other.  Then I would fall asleep feeling terrible, just to wake up and do it all over again.  

I tried many different things to find balance.  I said I would leave work by 4pm.  I was never leaving the building by then. I tried to get in bed by 9, then it was I wanted to shower by 9.  That all went out the window.  I kept making promises to myself.  Then just letting myself down.  Over and over again.

Then the melt down happened.  The sobbing.  The frustration. The anger.  The eat a whole family size bag of  peanut butter M&Ms in a matter of 20 minutes.  The sitting in a sugar coma and not speaking for an hour. Then the snap the heck out of it.

I got it together.  I pulled out a notebook and started a weekly to-do list.  I re-prioritized.  I would be home for family dinner at 5.  Dishes would stay in the sink until after Cade went to sleep.  We would have family time after dinner to bath time.  I would only train, during the weekdays, after Cade started bath.  I would not train longer than 2 hours on the weeknight, and if I didn't have time to do that than it would be an hour.  I would shower, and then spend time with Jacob before he would go to work.  I would be in bed by 9.  Jacob and I would get one night a week out.  Period.  No excuses. 

I am proud to say I am here on the other side of August, and I kinda feel like supermom.

I am not 100% on top of my school work, but I certainly have a smaller to do list, and I am out of the building by 4, except for Thursdays when I leave at 4:20 because I am a Girls on the Run Coach (I know.....I know...long story, but I am loving that part of life right now).  I do still bring work home on the weekends, but that is only worked on after Cade is asleep or he is napping (my own personal rules), and this small detail is keeping me a little more sane each week at school. 

I can now say I have a toddler, or a one year old.  Cade made an adorable first year old, and he is a pleasure each day.  He still hasn't said his first word, we don't think.  He says words but not in association with anything.  He is almost, almost walking.  We work on that every day.  His birthday party was what I consider a success.  I not only hosted my first party, ever, at the house, ever, but I also made my first cake, ever.  And it was a complicated cake.  Super proud of myself!

Peeking through at his one year photo shoot

So cute!  Year old photo shoot

Polka Dot Cake

Birthday Cake

Family picture

I traveled back to MI with Cade, alone.  I had an overwhelming amount of anxiety about traveling alone.  Little man was great!  That does not mean I wasn't prepared, and constantly thinking 3 steps ahead, but what it means is all my planning paid off for a smooth trip.  Seeing my little nephews was an experience I am so happy I was able to enjoy.   I was able to leave all my work worries, and training responsibilities in GA and travel with what was a pretty free schedule and mind.

Sisters/Aunts/Nephews/CoBros

Hold Tripp at 2 weeks old!

Holding Ian 6 days old

Jacob and I have joined a small group/Bible Study that will meet weekly.  Just getting to the group meet up took more than the stars aligning, but we were matched in a group, and we are set for our one night out a week.  

And the final huge accomplishment was my 100 mile bike race.  This would not have been possible if it were not for the many friends and endless list of babysitters who helped out watching Cade while I got in my long rides, for Jacob who took over bath duties for the entire month of August, my good friend who let me drop Cade off at her house at 5:20 am, and kept him until Jacob could pick him up at 5:30 that evening on the day of the race, and for the women who trained with me on the trail, and then stuck with me for the entire race.  A race is something that is never completed alone.  I had an entire Army behind me.  There is a race report coming soon, but the short version is the ride was an amazing experience.  It was hot and hilly.  It was extremely different than run racing.  It took 8 hours and 16 minutes. 

So the lesson learned from August 2013, get your priorities right.  After your priorities are right, do everything in your power to get them aligned.  Don't give up until they are fit together.  It took me a little while, but I am so much happier now that I know I am a wife and mom first.  Then an athlete, and then a teacher.  Here's to August 2014.  Bring it. 

A Trial Run

I did it.  I survived my first summer as a mom. I remember last summer when I just kept thinking thoughts like: this is your last summer without a kid. This is the last summer you can do what you want to do when you want.  This is your last summer of freedom.

To an extent I was right.  I did have a kid with me this summer.  I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted.  I did feel like I had less freedom.

But as fast as your fears creep up, they are conquered and then considered memories.  This summer wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.  I had two, solo weeks with Cade, while Jacob was doing Army things.  I went on a two week vacation with the lil' man.  I ran multiple errands with him in tow.  We had many morning runs together.  I coordinated a workout schedule for when he couldn't join me.  I painted our living room and kitchen little by little each day as we spent our days together.  We both had to adjust to Jacob's permenant work schedule. 

This summer taught me a lot.  I learned to be a little less of a perfectionist.  The house wouldn't be perfect.  I might not get everything complelted on my to-do list in the time I planned for.  I figured out small tasks take a little bit longer than they used to.  It took me almost 2 weeks to get two rooms painted.  Folding laundry takes a new turn when you have little hands pulling stacks down.  I learned I love my hair longer, because a being able to pull it up because I haven't had a shower in two days is essential.   I learned that at any moment the little man could melt my heart.  I would turn around from being in the kitchen and he would be standing there, just waiting for me with a huge smile on his face.  His giggle when laughing at Lola toss a ball around is something I am so happy I didn't miss.  He has become so mobile in the past two months.  I feel blessed to have had the chance to see the change in him.

Tomorrow is what I am calling a trial day.  Cade and I will be practicing our morning routine.  He will be going back to day care during the day, and I will be going to work.  It is a trial day, as my official start back date is not until Tuesday, so we have a day to practice.  But as the afternoon wore on, and I started getting not only my school bag ready, but Cade's daycare bag, I started to feel a little heavy hearted. 

I really enjoyed this summer more than I thought I would.  The morning workouts, the coffee dates with friends, running errands, eating lunch together, and most of all just spending time together; man I am going to miss the time together. 

The trial day was originally just for a time trial, to make sure I could get myself and Cade ready and still make it to work on time.  But now I am thinking this trial day might be a trial for my own emotions.  It is hard to explain.  I am happy to be going back to work.  Seeing my coworkers that past few days has been great.  I jumped right in after my vacation, and sometimes it seems like I never left my classroom.  I still enjoying teaching.  But then I am sad that Cade will be with someone else all day. 

I didn't really struggle with this when leaving maternity leave.  I never got the opportunity to stop teacher mode.  I was running the classroom from my living room.  But this summer...I didn't do anything school related until last week. 

I was full on mom/wife. 

And I liked it. 

But tomorrow.  Tomorrow.  Tomorrow is trial day...

7 years and counting

7 years.

7 years ago Jacob and I decided to make it official and get married in a church.  We had technically legally been married for over a year and half at that point, but my dream was to be in a big white gown, not walking through a metal detector, which did happen at the court house. 

I remember the day with a smile on my face. Actually, I think my wedding day rocked.  From the surprise trumpet chorus, to the beach pictures, to dancing the night away, and ending the day by driving through McDonald's.  

7 years later I can think back to the vows that Jacob and I said to each other, which really I think every bride and groom just recite at that time, giving it little thought, and I am amazed at how true those vows have become.  I mean someone who wrote those must have known what they were talking about.  Jacob and I opted for the already written traditional vows, as he was fresh out of active military, working two jobs, and I was finishing my internship and last semester of undergrad, while working full time at Steak N Shake.  Honestly, the last thing either of us wanted was to stress over coming up with our own vows.  But now, I can reflect and think those words were exactly what we needed to promise to each other.  

When you break the vows down we promised each other we would stay with each other through:

Sickness and Health

     Really.   Of course the health part is the easy one.  When everyone is healthy there is little strain on the relationship.  Jacob and I knew going in to this marriage that health would be an issue, as I was diagnosed 2 weeks before we eloped.  But when we eloped we knew I would have possible health issues, we were not thinking about Jacob's possible health hiccups.  

Jacob gave us our first health scare when he was severely chemically burned on a convoy in Iraq in 2005.  We have pictures but because the burn was upper, inner thigh, and chemical burns tend to not be very pretty, I have decided not to post them.  He was in a German hospital for a month recovering. Jacob asked that I not go over to Germany so I didn't.  This health scare wasn't too hard on the relationship, as it was still as if he was just overseas, and I got to talk to him more than when he was out on convoys.  This life event was scary, but it made us stronger. 

It was my turn next as I got very ill in Jan. 2008.  That led to a six month battle, ending in August after a total of 9 chemotherapys.  This was very hard on our relationship.  I had little energy to do anything more than just a few daily activities.  As hard as Jacob tried to be a great husband, which he was most of the time, six months is a long time to try and tow the rope in a single sided relationship.  Jacob left our relationship emotionally, when really what I needed was him emotionally.  I guess as he tried to fathom all that was going on, he departmentalized it, and wouldn't deal with reality.  His distance hurt our marriage.  When we reflect on this now we can both see where we fell short.  We have certainly learned a lot from this illness.  

Jacob fell in line next with his leg break in 2011.  It was more than a break, it was shatter, which was replaced with 2 metal rods and 2 metal plates.  This story is super complex, and goes into many battles with the military.  I am a firm believer that Jacob and the rest of his unit was set up for failure by the commander, and so as we can all tell I still harbor some unresolved anger about this injury.  He broke his leg while training to go overseas for a year deployment.  Because he was injured in North Carolina, the Army would not release him until they were sure all was good to go, which ended up being 2 and a half weeks.  I packed up what I could and moved into a hotel in Fort Bragg for two weeks.  This sickness was hard on Jacob's ego, which caused some friction in the relationship.  Jacob's first question to his commander when he came to, was if he would still be able to be deployed.  That answer came back no.  And then the blows kept coming.  He wouldn't be able to jump anymore.  Which meant he couldn't be Airborne, which meant he had to change reserve units.  There were more fallouts months after this break, that just continued to chip away at his self esteem.  As the spouse it was hard to watch his inner strength fall lower and lower.  I just prayed that I would stay strong for both of us.  I spun everything in a positive, and continued to support him in anyway I could.  We can look back at this break and see it was a huge turning point in our lives.  This break caused us a lot of hardship, and we were forced, for months, to just rely on each other.  The few months after the break were very difficult in many ways.  And yet here we are, still standing. 

And we all know what comes next; my pregnancy/labor/post labor.  We came into this sickness more prepared than the others.  We knew what the chemo would do, and we prepared for the bumps it would cause in our relationship.  This round of sickness has lasted longer than all others (10 months and counting), but we have our precious little one who has helped us realize life is not just about us and our relationship anymore.  We will continue through this sickness journey and hope there is an end in sight.  

 
In Good Times and Bad

       Of course this one is a no brainer.  When in the good times the marriage is rockin'.  Jacob and I have had some amazing experiences in the last 7 years.  We have been extremely blessed.  We have been to Disney at least 4 times since we were married (and it might be more...I lost count).  We have been camping at various locations, and have been to many different amusement parks.  We have traveled home to Michigan and to Florida multiple times.  We have done a lot of fun things here in Atlanta. We have trained together for many races, both running and triathlons.  

Then there are bad times.  We have had them.  There have been nights of screaming, tears, and silence.  We have disagreed to the point of no return.  There have been moments when one of us left the marriage physically, mentally, and emotionally.  We have fought our way back.  It always seemed whenever one person was not as strong, or not happy, the other one was in a place that they could put the energy in to fight.  We have been through crappy jobs.  We each have earned a degree while trying to keep a marriage together.  We each have become so obsessed with something other than our marriage, our marriage went to the wayside.  And yet, here we are.  


In Richness and Poorness

    Jacob and I have been through times that we didn't have to worry about every purchase, and we have been through times where really hard gut retching decisions have to be made.  Money was, for a long time, a battle in our relationship.  I am a saver, and Jacob is a spender.  Our church did a sermon on this topic, and we learned a lot about each other during this.  We have both come around to see the positives in each others perspectives.  But that doesn't mean we still don't argue about what is in our bank accounts.  I think money can really tear some marriages apart.  If I have learned anything in the last 7 years it is each person has to feel a sense of control when it comes to money.  Also keeping the communication open all the time about money is a must, especially when things are tight.  Money is a wonderful thing, but it can be detrimental to any relationship.  

In Joy as well as in Sorrow

   We have been through great times, but also sad times.  We have been through grandparents passing away.  We have been through family members getting sick.  We have been through home sickness.  We have been through friends getting married, having babies, and friends moving away.  We have lost pets along the way.  We have welcomed our son into the world.  But this is one area we are 100% in it to win it.  Through all of the joy and the sorrow we will drop anything for the other one.  We could be in the worst place realionship-wise, and yet if something bad happens to the other we are there.  We always have been.  I see this as something that will always be in place.

For As Long As We Both Shall Live

   Jacob and I have a joke about who is going to go first.  Neither one of us lives life like we are going to live forever, but we also live life.  We take risks, have fun, and live life to the fullest.  Jacob joined the military and then took on jobs such as paratrooper, convoy driver and gunner, and sharp shooter, all of which are not on the "safe" list.  And then he became a police officer which isn't exactly a sedimentary career.  Our big joke is I have the chronic blood cancer, and he will be the one to go before me.  

  But in all seriousness, we both took this part of the vow very seriously.  When we married that was it.  It is for a lifetime.  Through everything that can, and will be, thrown at us, we are to do it together.  There will be moments in our marriage that one or both of us will have to fight with everything inside to keep it together.  But we both signed up for that.  And fight for our marriage we will.  No where in the vows did it say it would be easy.  For every easy life event there is a difficult one around the corner.  I mean it says it in the vows.  We said we would venture it together in front of our family, friends, and the Lord.  Out loud.  With a ring as a promise.  So we will do everything we can to keep that promise. 

   Jacob and I have known each other since we were 11, and started dating at 16.  That means we already have 14 years of memories that we have had with each other.  Just for giggles I put some pictures of some of our moments back in time.  HAHA! 

This is believed to be the first "couple" picture taken at my 16th birthday party

I think this was at a high school fall dance

This was taken in my room, but for no known reason

We were both on the ski team.  Things you did in the North

The Halloween my best friend and I went as hookers, and Jacob and his best friend went as FBI agents. 

Senior Year in high school

Band Banquet.  I think Sophomore Year at WMU

Right after we eloped

Jacob had just returned from Iraq and Ashlee the cat had to be put down due to her Feline Leukemia

No idea....but man we were having a great time!

The morning we moved our lives from Michigan to Atlanta

And here is to many, many more!  I love you Jacob!  I am very lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing man!  

To view more blasts of the past you can click here!

Did we do the right thing?

I found myself thinking wishing my bed had guardrails so I could lay down in bed, and Cade could just play and maybe I could catch a little shut eye.

I am sure I am not the only mother who has ever wished for this.  My summer schedule has finally started to catch up with me.

I also find myself thinking if things would be a little different if we still lived in MI**.

When it was just Jacob and I, moving South was a great decision.  We have been here 6 (almost 7 crazy!!!) years, and have created ourselves a little home.  We have friends, careers, a church, and social groups.  We stay busy.

But now we have Cade in the mix.  We don't have a lot of friends with babies.  Or maybe we just don't get together with other families with babies enough.  Our friends without babies love hanging with Cade, but sometimes taking him out and about when he is the only baby can be exhausting.  And I am being honest, my kid is really well behaved, so I could only imagine trying this with one that liked to act up a little bit more.  So most of the summer Cade has been the only baby, all day long.  We have had a couple of play dates, but not enough in my opinion.

Then there is the family aspect.  My sister, and sister-in-law are pregnant.  They are going to have my nephews within a few weeks of each other.  They both live in West Michigan.  These two cousins will grow up together.  Leaving Cade to be the Southern cousin they see once a year.  This breaks my heart for Cade.  Cade also has two older cousins (elementary age) who he has only met once, and he was 3 months old.  Again, he is left to be the odd cousin out, this time by age and the non existent face time.

My mind has also wandered to the idea that if we lived around family there would be people charging over each other to watch Cade, for free. Here we had to do our research and find a babysitter.  We have been lucky to find one.  I will say many of our friends have offered to watch Cade, I am sure free of charge, but that could put one in a sticky situation, and I never wanted people to think we are taking advantage of them, so that leaves us with our babysitter.  

Jacob and I have not been out, just the two of us, since my sister was here back in Oct.  Yes that means we have been out once, just the two of us, since Cade was born.

I am well aware that not spending time together can cause friction on a relationship, and so it will be here that I will switch gears a little bit.  It is not entirely accurate to say the reason we have not had time together is because of Cade/babysitter issues.  The primary issue has been that Jacob was unable to take any vacation/days off from Jan. 2012 - end of June.  As in just a week and a half ago.  That was a long haul.

I married into the military because I like my alone time.  Being a military wife guaranteed me at least two days a month, and two full weeks a year of alone time.  But this last year a half has left me with a lot more alone time than I ever thought I would have.  Jacob is on third shift now.  So all summer, when most teachers get to relax a little and spend time with their families, Cade and I left to do everything together.

Jacob goes to work around 9:30 pm, and will return anywhere from 8:00 - 9:00 am.  Cade is up around 6:30, so we get to see Jacob when he gets in.  Jacob goes to sleep and wakes up at 3 or 4 pm depending on when he gets home.  So on an average day we get to see each other from 4 - 9.  This also leaves me 4-9 to get my bike workout in (yes this is all my choice, and I am not complaining about it).  My workouts are mostly rides alone, as this time is not ideal with my other schedules, so again I am out and about by myself.  Jacob does get two off days a week, but he tries to keep the same schedule because 3rd is hard to switch back and forth between; I understand that. 

Then throw in his Army annual training which was two weeks in June, and then an extra weekend in June for drill....this summer has left Cade and I together a whole lot.

And with all of this alone time my mind just wanders....if we lived in Michigan...
I could hang with my mother-in-law during the day
My sister gets off work by 3 most days
I could have dinner with my parents
I could spend Saturdays with my mom and sister, as they are together every Saturday...
I have some friends from high school, who have kids, that we could hang out
My bestees, the Stewarts, live in MI and we could see each other way more than we do now

Ugh, then the big breakdown I had most recently was about Cade's first birthday.  His birthday is late August, and that is the start of the school year in the North.  It makes it almost impossible for my mom and step dad to make it down because of their careers, my sister is due right around Cade's birthday, and the Larkins will be out of town for his birthday weekend.  That means there won't be any family at Cade's first birthday.  I know this bothers me way more than it will ever effect Lil' Boo, but it was devastating to me at first.  

So I just wonder did we make the right decision moving here?  As I said it was a right decision when it was just Jacob and I, but now that there is Cade....I guess I just rethink, analyze, and question every decision ever made. I guess that is where the term "mommy guilt" comes from. 

**In no way does this mean we are moving back to MI.  I guess that is the most gut retching part of this struggle.  We are not at a point in our lives that we could even make a move North, and that is not even touching the health part of that discussion.