Did we do the right thing?

I found myself thinking wishing my bed had guardrails so I could lay down in bed, and Cade could just play and maybe I could catch a little shut eye.

I am sure I am not the only mother who has ever wished for this.  My summer schedule has finally started to catch up with me.

I also find myself thinking if things would be a little different if we still lived in MI**.

When it was just Jacob and I, moving South was a great decision.  We have been here 6 (almost 7 crazy!!!) years, and have created ourselves a little home.  We have friends, careers, a church, and social groups.  We stay busy.

But now we have Cade in the mix.  We don't have a lot of friends with babies.  Or maybe we just don't get together with other families with babies enough.  Our friends without babies love hanging with Cade, but sometimes taking him out and about when he is the only baby can be exhausting.  And I am being honest, my kid is really well behaved, so I could only imagine trying this with one that liked to act up a little bit more.  So most of the summer Cade has been the only baby, all day long.  We have had a couple of play dates, but not enough in my opinion.

Then there is the family aspect.  My sister, and sister-in-law are pregnant.  They are going to have my nephews within a few weeks of each other.  They both live in West Michigan.  These two cousins will grow up together.  Leaving Cade to be the Southern cousin they see once a year.  This breaks my heart for Cade.  Cade also has two older cousins (elementary age) who he has only met once, and he was 3 months old.  Again, he is left to be the odd cousin out, this time by age and the non existent face time.

My mind has also wandered to the idea that if we lived around family there would be people charging over each other to watch Cade, for free. Here we had to do our research and find a babysitter.  We have been lucky to find one.  I will say many of our friends have offered to watch Cade, I am sure free of charge, but that could put one in a sticky situation, and I never wanted people to think we are taking advantage of them, so that leaves us with our babysitter.  

Jacob and I have not been out, just the two of us, since my sister was here back in Oct.  Yes that means we have been out once, just the two of us, since Cade was born.

I am well aware that not spending time together can cause friction on a relationship, and so it will be here that I will switch gears a little bit.  It is not entirely accurate to say the reason we have not had time together is because of Cade/babysitter issues.  The primary issue has been that Jacob was unable to take any vacation/days off from Jan. 2012 - end of June.  As in just a week and a half ago.  That was a long haul.

I married into the military because I like my alone time.  Being a military wife guaranteed me at least two days a month, and two full weeks a year of alone time.  But this last year a half has left me with a lot more alone time than I ever thought I would have.  Jacob is on third shift now.  So all summer, when most teachers get to relax a little and spend time with their families, Cade and I left to do everything together.

Jacob goes to work around 9:30 pm, and will return anywhere from 8:00 - 9:00 am.  Cade is up around 6:30, so we get to see Jacob when he gets in.  Jacob goes to sleep and wakes up at 3 or 4 pm depending on when he gets home.  So on an average day we get to see each other from 4 - 9.  This also leaves me 4-9 to get my bike workout in (yes this is all my choice, and I am not complaining about it).  My workouts are mostly rides alone, as this time is not ideal with my other schedules, so again I am out and about by myself.  Jacob does get two off days a week, but he tries to keep the same schedule because 3rd is hard to switch back and forth between; I understand that. 

Then throw in his Army annual training which was two weeks in June, and then an extra weekend in June for drill....this summer has left Cade and I together a whole lot.

And with all of this alone time my mind just wanders....if we lived in Michigan...
I could hang with my mother-in-law during the day
My sister gets off work by 3 most days
I could have dinner with my parents
I could spend Saturdays with my mom and sister, as they are together every Saturday...
I have some friends from high school, who have kids, that we could hang out
My bestees, the Stewarts, live in MI and we could see each other way more than we do now

Ugh, then the big breakdown I had most recently was about Cade's first birthday.  His birthday is late August, and that is the start of the school year in the North.  It makes it almost impossible for my mom and step dad to make it down because of their careers, my sister is due right around Cade's birthday, and the Larkins will be out of town for his birthday weekend.  That means there won't be any family at Cade's first birthday.  I know this bothers me way more than it will ever effect Lil' Boo, but it was devastating to me at first.  

So I just wonder did we make the right decision moving here?  As I said it was a right decision when it was just Jacob and I, but now that there is Cade....I guess I just rethink, analyze, and question every decision ever made. I guess that is where the term "mommy guilt" comes from. 

**In no way does this mean we are moving back to MI.  I guess that is the most gut retching part of this struggle.  We are not at a point in our lives that we could even make a move North, and that is not even touching the health part of that discussion.