I am a military wife. I knew that would be the title going into our marriage. I have supported Jacob through the decision to join the military, the tests to get in, through basic, jump school, MOS (his job) training, living on the base in NC, and then the news of his first deployment. After all of that I felt like I had a pretty good idea what it might take to be a military wife.
When Jacob brought up the idea of marrying before his first deployment, we were engaged, and just shy of 21 years old. I had just had my first major health battle, and Jacob was concerned. If we were just "engaged" and something serious happened to me medically, he would have no leeway to get back to the United States to be with me. His heart was in the right place. My parents had already said I could marry him (he had asked before the proposal), so really I was faced with the decision of a lifetime.
I am a logical thinker. So logically I thought it through. Jacob was in the military. He liked it. He felt a sense of service. He had talked about retirement from the Army. We were just 21. I hadn't finished my undergrad degree yet. I had just been diagnosed with an idiopathic blood disorder. I knew what being a military wife meant. Moving, having no say over big decisions, possibly a lot of alone time, and then of course there was carrying on with life during deployments.
And if my mom had thought I wasn't thinking all my angles through, in her wonderful frank way she just laid it all out for me. I clearly remember tears running down my cheeks, as I walked back to my off campus apartment, from a late class. My mom finished the conversation with "he has the best intentions, and a good heart". That had sealed the deal.
Five days later, we were joined by our parents, and siblings at a Holland courthouse. I was young, I will never say I knew that this was going to be the right answer. I will say I have a wonderful marriage, that has not come without a lot of work. But I think that is normal for a marriage, and 100% normal for a military marriage.
I knew what I was getting into. I have survived a deployment to Iraq, 6 months of Jacob living in Ft. Bragg, and 4 years of monthly reserve solo weekends. I have logically worked my way through this next deployment.
Jacob is an amazing soldier. I am one proud Army Airborne wife. I will continue to support my soldier, even when that support looks like me continuing my life here in Georgia, solo, for the lack of a better word.
I am not one to want pity, and I definitely do not want it during this next deployment. Support, caring words, prayers, and lots of visitors would be right up my ally. Pity. No. I knew what I was getting in, when I married into the military.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
A word I don't use very often
I haven't forgotten about this blog. I can't really say I have been too busy, but in a way I have been. A WAY different busy than what I used to be. This kind of busy includes doing what I can to be the best in the classroom, and yet knowing what it will take to be the best me.
I have been sticking to a strict guideline of still leaving school at or before 4, except on Tuesdays. I have been able to get back in my 3 (swim, bike, and run) sports, at least once a week. And I still find time to take care of myself, and relax. Relax. A word I haven't really used that much in this blog.
I was able to put to practice my new found word just last weekend. Unfortunately, Jacob lost his maternal grandfather March 15th. He was a great man, and had lived a great life. It is never easy to see someone who meant so much to your spouse go. I had no control over the situation. God did. So God 1: Me 0. I had no control over the plans that would be made. I was not technically immediate family, and I live nowhere close to Jonesville, MI. So no control. I had a small panic attack as we were told that the funeral would be that weekend. I had no control. And then flying options were not easy on our budget, and the times for flights weren't working, and I had to find a sub, and I had to reschedule parent/teacher conferences, and I couldn't race in the 1/2 marathon I had trained for, and Jacob had to reschedule drill, and, and, and....
Breath. Breath. I had to mentally (and verbally), tell myself to calm down, relax, and take it one step at a time. Figure out what I had control of, and let go of any other feelings that went with what I couldn't control. In other words: relax. I had control over my decisions. My decision was to get to MI to support the Ashby family. Then I had control over how we got there. Jacob and I choose to drive. I had control over the sub I picked, and called my first few picks. I was in control of getting my sub plans together one piece at a time. So I did.
I was in control of a lot less than I would have preferred, but really the big thing I was in control of was getting my attitude changed around to just relaxing. No stress. Do what I could, and then leave the rest, and not think about it.
Jacob and I had a great time in MI. I loved being with the whole Ashby clan. I wouldn't have changed a thing. I felt so relaxed during the trip. It was a totally different experience from what I was used to. I was used to being stressed about every last thing, trying to control other people's plans, and actions. Being so upset when something got scheduled that I wasn't prepared for, or the plans changing in general.
Relax. I like that word. I like better practicing it in my life. Coming back from the trip to MI would have set me off before. Stress rashes, panic attacks, sleepless nights. But I did what I had control over, and mostly I worked on my attitude to focus on things I had control over, and leave those that I didn't.
Relax.
I have been sticking to a strict guideline of still leaving school at or before 4, except on Tuesdays. I have been able to get back in my 3 (swim, bike, and run) sports, at least once a week. And I still find time to take care of myself, and relax. Relax. A word I haven't really used that much in this blog.
I was able to put to practice my new found word just last weekend. Unfortunately, Jacob lost his maternal grandfather March 15th. He was a great man, and had lived a great life. It is never easy to see someone who meant so much to your spouse go. I had no control over the situation. God did. So God 1: Me 0. I had no control over the plans that would be made. I was not technically immediate family, and I live nowhere close to Jonesville, MI. So no control. I had a small panic attack as we were told that the funeral would be that weekend. I had no control. And then flying options were not easy on our budget, and the times for flights weren't working, and I had to find a sub, and I had to reschedule parent/teacher conferences, and I couldn't race in the 1/2 marathon I had trained for, and Jacob had to reschedule drill, and, and, and....
Breath. Breath. I had to mentally (and verbally), tell myself to calm down, relax, and take it one step at a time. Figure out what I had control of, and let go of any other feelings that went with what I couldn't control. In other words: relax. I had control over my decisions. My decision was to get to MI to support the Ashby family. Then I had control over how we got there. Jacob and I choose to drive. I had control over the sub I picked, and called my first few picks. I was in control of getting my sub plans together one piece at a time. So I did.
I was in control of a lot less than I would have preferred, but really the big thing I was in control of was getting my attitude changed around to just relaxing. No stress. Do what I could, and then leave the rest, and not think about it.
Jacob and I had a great time in MI. I loved being with the whole Ashby clan. I wouldn't have changed a thing. I felt so relaxed during the trip. It was a totally different experience from what I was used to. I was used to being stressed about every last thing, trying to control other people's plans, and actions. Being so upset when something got scheduled that I wasn't prepared for, or the plans changing in general.
Relax. I like that word. I like better practicing it in my life. Coming back from the trip to MI would have set me off before. Stress rashes, panic attacks, sleepless nights. But I did what I had control over, and mostly I worked on my attitude to focus on things I had control over, and leave those that I didn't.
Relax.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Some things are a bit harder to take
Tomorrow. March 15. Normally a nothing important kind of day. However, on our google calendar, it states - sign up for the Goofy. Tomorrow is the day registration for the Goofy race, you run a half marathon 13.1 on Saturday, and then a full marathon 26.2 on Sunday. Hence the "goofy" part. This was going to be my new goal for the coming year. Jacob and I had talked about it a lot to say the least.
Then came the news of Jacob's deployment. The thought process is different for everyone I think. My thought goes from, when exactly do you leave, when will you get back, and are you guaranteed any time off. Then it goes to where will you be, what will you be doing. Give it a few days, I mean really it takes a few days for me to process through all of this, and I can start to think about the actual dates.
So this deployment will begin with him going active in Sept. 2011 in Texas. Our best guess is Fort Hood, but really that is a guess. He will be there until Jan. 2012, where he will go to Qatar until Jan.2013.
January 2013.
Essentially our lives will be placed on hold until January 2013. This is still too large of an idea to really grasp yet. I have known almost a month. But I can't really comprehend. I don't know if that makes sense. It is really hard to describe what went through, and what goes through my mind. I mean, really, when you think about the year 2012, can you really see/imagine/visualize what is going on? And really the big blow is what I had hoped to happen in 2012. Or where I thought my life was headed, and now it seems to be like a bump in the road, or a derailment of sorts.
So the newest derailment was my dream of running the Goofy. I talked with Jacob, and it is well known that I will continue racing, and competing. However, after talking with Jacob, he would be sad if I did the Goofy without him. He let me know that would really be the only race he would be disappointed if I did that without him. However, this idea of a dream not becoming realized is hard to take.
Jacob is leaving. I am sad. I think. I don't mean that as a hard hearted person, but as a wife who married into the military. It was going to happen. I live with the thought deployment in the back of my mind every day. It is something I had felt was getting closer, as we had survived almost 4 years in the reserves without it. I will miss him. It will be a hard adjustment to become a "single" person again. All of those thoughts for another time.
Right now, I am a saddened that I will not be participating in the Goofy Challenge 2012. And with that if I really thought hard enough about it, I know I am hurting at the thought of not having Jacob around in what would be the Goofy Challenge 2012. Maybe I am displacing my hurt/frustration/sadness, but I really wish I was one trying to get a number for the Goofy Race tomorrow.
Then came the news of Jacob's deployment. The thought process is different for everyone I think. My thought goes from, when exactly do you leave, when will you get back, and are you guaranteed any time off. Then it goes to where will you be, what will you be doing. Give it a few days, I mean really it takes a few days for me to process through all of this, and I can start to think about the actual dates.
So this deployment will begin with him going active in Sept. 2011 in Texas. Our best guess is Fort Hood, but really that is a guess. He will be there until Jan. 2012, where he will go to Qatar until Jan.2013.
January 2013.
Essentially our lives will be placed on hold until January 2013. This is still too large of an idea to really grasp yet. I have known almost a month. But I can't really comprehend. I don't know if that makes sense. It is really hard to describe what went through, and what goes through my mind. I mean, really, when you think about the year 2012, can you really see/imagine/visualize what is going on? And really the big blow is what I had hoped to happen in 2012. Or where I thought my life was headed, and now it seems to be like a bump in the road, or a derailment of sorts.
So the newest derailment was my dream of running the Goofy. I talked with Jacob, and it is well known that I will continue racing, and competing. However, after talking with Jacob, he would be sad if I did the Goofy without him. He let me know that would really be the only race he would be disappointed if I did that without him. However, this idea of a dream not becoming realized is hard to take.
Jacob is leaving. I am sad. I think. I don't mean that as a hard hearted person, but as a wife who married into the military. It was going to happen. I live with the thought deployment in the back of my mind every day. It is something I had felt was getting closer, as we had survived almost 4 years in the reserves without it. I will miss him. It will be a hard adjustment to become a "single" person again. All of those thoughts for another time.
Right now, I am a saddened that I will not be participating in the Goofy Challenge 2012. And with that if I really thought hard enough about it, I know I am hurting at the thought of not having Jacob around in what would be the Goofy Challenge 2012. Maybe I am displacing my hurt/frustration/sadness, but I really wish I was one trying to get a number for the Goofy Race tomorrow.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Chiches are a way of life
I have not been avoiding the blog. I have been working on my new goals. I have been wrapping my brain around what my life is suppose to look like. I would say overall it has been a really good week.
Everyday by 4 p.m., except for Tuesday, I was out of school. I brought nothing home to work on. I worked out Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I am keeping track what I am eating, and when. I have never felt as good as I did this week.
I am feeling in a way that is hard to explain. I feel like life is falling into place. I ask myself why did it take so long for me to set and keep these boundaries. I know 20/20 hindsight, and I am really feeling it.
I used to think staying busy equaled a full life. Now I see I may have been misguided. I would explain it to myself that I was so worried about money, I needed to get a million after school jobs, Jacob had to be working all he could, and then I was a budget crazy person. Throw fostering for shelter animals, and both of us becoming students, I am really not sure how I kept myself thinking that was what life was suppose to be like.
When we found ourselves in a low point, and our marriage needing more attention than ever, we stopped everything extra. Jacob left his job, to focus only on school. I left all my after school jobs behind, to focus on being a full time 3rd grade teacher. We focused on giving our 5 animals what they needed. I will be taking a break from being a student. I have never felt more free. I have never felt so connected to Jacob. I have never felt so great in where I am in my life.
I have made a lot of mistakes, but I am not one not to learn from them. I can see how a busy life does not equal happiness. I am a simple girl, and I should stay true to myself. Less is more. Okay enough cliches. But you get the idea.
I am going to keep up the new goals of not staying at school any later than 4 p.m., except for Tuesdays. I will not bring anything home. I will take the time needed to take care of myself first, before helping others. I will choose to live simply. I will take in each day as it comes.
Tomorrow does not equal yesterday. And honestly I am so happy for that.
Everyday by 4 p.m., except for Tuesday, I was out of school. I brought nothing home to work on. I worked out Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I am keeping track what I am eating, and when. I have never felt as good as I did this week.
I am feeling in a way that is hard to explain. I feel like life is falling into place. I ask myself why did it take so long for me to set and keep these boundaries. I know 20/20 hindsight, and I am really feeling it.
I used to think staying busy equaled a full life. Now I see I may have been misguided. I would explain it to myself that I was so worried about money, I needed to get a million after school jobs, Jacob had to be working all he could, and then I was a budget crazy person. Throw fostering for shelter animals, and both of us becoming students, I am really not sure how I kept myself thinking that was what life was suppose to be like.
When we found ourselves in a low point, and our marriage needing more attention than ever, we stopped everything extra. Jacob left his job, to focus only on school. I left all my after school jobs behind, to focus on being a full time 3rd grade teacher. We focused on giving our 5 animals what they needed. I will be taking a break from being a student. I have never felt more free. I have never felt so connected to Jacob. I have never felt so great in where I am in my life.
I have made a lot of mistakes, but I am not one not to learn from them. I can see how a busy life does not equal happiness. I am a simple girl, and I should stay true to myself. Less is more. Okay enough cliches. But you get the idea.
I am going to keep up the new goals of not staying at school any later than 4 p.m., except for Tuesdays. I will not bring anything home. I will take the time needed to take care of myself first, before helping others. I will choose to live simply. I will take in each day as it comes.
Tomorrow does not equal yesterday. And honestly I am so happy for that.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
De-stress
Every doctor that I have seen since January, has said one thing. Find a way to relax. Reduce your stress. De-stress.
I get it. I heard it. I logically understand what that means. But apparently I can't get control of that part of my life. I have been hearing the same thing for two months. I can't sit here and type out that I have been doing it.
I think about. I then proceed to stress about how to de-stress. Then I become frantic that I am stressing about de-stressing. You get the picture.
So today I think I finally got it. It totally helps that I have a husband who has stepped up as my partner in life, and really takes care of most things related to the house, and living arrangements. Not to mention he now sees my water bottle empty and will get up to fill it, he won't allow me to do the dishes, and he insists I not get up to help with laundry, or even think about picking up some groceries. So yes, this has helped a whole lot. I used to worry about all of the above, plus everything else I got going on.
But the past three weekends I have worked hard not to bring any school work home with me. That way I don't feel guilty if I don't get time to do it, and really I can leave school and know it will get done on Monday if it is meant to get done.
Last weekend I was so sick with my fever, I didn't get out of bed. So in my mind, I didn't get anything checked off my endless to do list, so I fretted about not doing anything. As relaxing, and stress free as a weekend of laying in bed should be, I just couldn't wrap my brain the fact that it should be stress free.
So yesterday I left school, and left all my school work there. I got my room ready for a great day on Monday, and then left it all behind. I had in my mind I was going to do whatever happened happen. No real plans, no big lists to check off. Now I always have general things I would like done, but I wasn't going to write any of them down. Last night Jacob had the hard decision of if we were going to go to see Harry Potter (it is playing at our favorite dollar theater), or watch Finding Nemo at home. I just told him, he could decide. I would be happy either way. We ended up watching Nemo at home, and I was able to get caught up on some of my fitness magazines I had become behind on. It felt like a great night.
This morning I woke up without an alarm, and I read in bed for while. Jacob began to stir, and I asked him if he wanted some breakfast. He did (which is a chance with him, as sometimes he just doesn't want to eat in the morning), so I made eggs, and waffles for breakfast in bed. It was lovely. We got up and around and went to run. By the time we drove out to the trail, it was raining too hard to really go out. So we drove home, and just started cleaning around the house. When we got done, we had cleaned both bathrooms, the kitchen, dinning room, and vacuumed the living room and master bedroom. We went out to Sprint, to fix my phone which had unexpectedly broken. Now I could have freaked out. The phone actually broke Thursday, but I could text, and if it was an emergency people could call Jacob's cell. I just didn't freak about it. So off to Sprint (which ended up being almost a 3 hour adventure when all was said and done), during the wait time we bought new trash cans for the kitchen, and ate a relaxing lunch at Subway. We stopped by Best Buy, and then Target, just picking up some random items we had coupons for that were expiring today. We got home put away and organized all of our new items. Jacob went to get some dinner, which was Little Cesar Pizza, he was craving it. I had organized my old purses, and wallets, so we dropped all the old stuff off at GoodWill, and then went ice skating. HA! It was great fun.
Now I am in bed ready for bed, and I am thinking how relaxed I am. I feel like I accomplished so much today, and with no stress. I got more done today than I have on any given day in the last two months. I had no plan. I laid around this morning longer than I have in a long time. And yet I feel like today was awesome. I may have finally figured out what this whole de-stressing idea entails.
**Now there were some health problems today, but I am not thinking/giving them anytime of day right now. I am basking on what a great overall it was!
I get it. I heard it. I logically understand what that means. But apparently I can't get control of that part of my life. I have been hearing the same thing for two months. I can't sit here and type out that I have been doing it.
I think about. I then proceed to stress about how to de-stress. Then I become frantic that I am stressing about de-stressing. You get the picture.
So today I think I finally got it. It totally helps that I have a husband who has stepped up as my partner in life, and really takes care of most things related to the house, and living arrangements. Not to mention he now sees my water bottle empty and will get up to fill it, he won't allow me to do the dishes, and he insists I not get up to help with laundry, or even think about picking up some groceries. So yes, this has helped a whole lot. I used to worry about all of the above, plus everything else I got going on.
But the past three weekends I have worked hard not to bring any school work home with me. That way I don't feel guilty if I don't get time to do it, and really I can leave school and know it will get done on Monday if it is meant to get done.
Last weekend I was so sick with my fever, I didn't get out of bed. So in my mind, I didn't get anything checked off my endless to do list, so I fretted about not doing anything. As relaxing, and stress free as a weekend of laying in bed should be, I just couldn't wrap my brain the fact that it should be stress free.
So yesterday I left school, and left all my school work there. I got my room ready for a great day on Monday, and then left it all behind. I had in my mind I was going to do whatever happened happen. No real plans, no big lists to check off. Now I always have general things I would like done, but I wasn't going to write any of them down. Last night Jacob had the hard decision of if we were going to go to see Harry Potter (it is playing at our favorite dollar theater), or watch Finding Nemo at home. I just told him, he could decide. I would be happy either way. We ended up watching Nemo at home, and I was able to get caught up on some of my fitness magazines I had become behind on. It felt like a great night.
This morning I woke up without an alarm, and I read in bed for while. Jacob began to stir, and I asked him if he wanted some breakfast. He did (which is a chance with him, as sometimes he just doesn't want to eat in the morning), so I made eggs, and waffles for breakfast in bed. It was lovely. We got up and around and went to run. By the time we drove out to the trail, it was raining too hard to really go out. So we drove home, and just started cleaning around the house. When we got done, we had cleaned both bathrooms, the kitchen, dinning room, and vacuumed the living room and master bedroom. We went out to Sprint, to fix my phone which had unexpectedly broken. Now I could have freaked out. The phone actually broke Thursday, but I could text, and if it was an emergency people could call Jacob's cell. I just didn't freak about it. So off to Sprint (which ended up being almost a 3 hour adventure when all was said and done), during the wait time we bought new trash cans for the kitchen, and ate a relaxing lunch at Subway. We stopped by Best Buy, and then Target, just picking up some random items we had coupons for that were expiring today. We got home put away and organized all of our new items. Jacob went to get some dinner, which was Little Cesar Pizza, he was craving it. I had organized my old purses, and wallets, so we dropped all the old stuff off at GoodWill, and then went ice skating. HA! It was great fun.
Now I am in bed ready for bed, and I am thinking how relaxed I am. I feel like I accomplished so much today, and with no stress. I got more done today than I have on any given day in the last two months. I had no plan. I laid around this morning longer than I have in a long time. And yet I feel like today was awesome. I may have finally figured out what this whole de-stressing idea entails.
**Now there were some health problems today, but I am not thinking/giving them anytime of day right now. I am basking on what a great overall it was!
Friday, March 4, 2011
I don't know why I'm scared
I don't know why I'm scared.
I've been here before.
Every feeling, every word,
-Adele (21: One and Only)
Jacob is on the deployment list.
I am trying to comprehend what it means.
I don't know why I'm scared.
I've been here before.
Every feeling, every word.
I've been here before.
Every feeling, every word,
-Adele (21: One and Only)
Jacob is on the deployment list.
I am trying to comprehend what it means.
I don't know why I'm scared.
I've been here before.
Every feeling, every word.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Sick of being the Sick one
The doctors visit went fine. We went in, and got my vitals done. No fever, blood pressure back to normal, and my weight for the first time in almost 2 months has stopped fluctuating.
My platelets are back up. 124,000. So I seem to be back in the clear for ITP. Their only guess about the Petechia is my fever/viral infection plummeted my platelets. My body went into hyper drive and created enough platelets to make me healthy again. So the petechia is almost all gone, just a few spots are left. The doc told me over and over again I was totally in the right calling them, and if anything else happens like that not to hesitate to call again. Until then I am back to my 3 month check ins. So I don't have to go back until July.
So now I am left with a referral to a stomach specialist. But my weight isn't fluctuating like it has been. And really since the whole fever deal, my stomach doesn't hurt too much. So my question is do I call the specialists now, and just describe what I felt, or wait until the first sign of it happening again and go in then? I really dislike doctors in general. I have seen a lot of doctors in the past 2 months. I am tired of being the sick one. I am ready to be back on track with my 1/2 Marathon on the 20th, which is looming over me.
Well another week is almost done. Friday is tomorrow, and I ready to make this a new pledge to get Amanda back. So I am done being the sick one....
My platelets are back up. 124,000. So I seem to be back in the clear for ITP. Their only guess about the Petechia is my fever/viral infection plummeted my platelets. My body went into hyper drive and created enough platelets to make me healthy again. So the petechia is almost all gone, just a few spots are left. The doc told me over and over again I was totally in the right calling them, and if anything else happens like that not to hesitate to call again. Until then I am back to my 3 month check ins. So I don't have to go back until July.
So now I am left with a referral to a stomach specialist. But my weight isn't fluctuating like it has been. And really since the whole fever deal, my stomach doesn't hurt too much. So my question is do I call the specialists now, and just describe what I felt, or wait until the first sign of it happening again and go in then? I really dislike doctors in general. I have seen a lot of doctors in the past 2 months. I am tired of being the sick one. I am ready to be back on track with my 1/2 Marathon on the 20th, which is looming over me.
Well another week is almost done. Friday is tomorrow, and I ready to make this a new pledge to get Amanda back. So I am done being the sick one....
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