Learning to Love Again

My body image has been messed up since 2008.  I gained a quick 35 lbs in 3 months the first round of Prednisone/chemo.  It crushed what positive body image I had. 

Even as a girl, I have never really put that much into my outer looks.  I don't wear makeup, never have.  Growing up I was athletic.  Practices, and working after school kept my metabolism moving.  When I went to college I did the opposite of everyone one else, and actually lost close to 20 lbs.  My small frame was well proportioned.  I can't say I watched what I ate, but I was super busy so it wasn't too much of a problem. 

Marriage and a move brought on 10 or so lbs, but nothing drastic.  Not until 2008....

Putting on that weight so fast, and for reasons I couldn't help, mentally messed me up.  I would look into the mirror and not recognize who was looking back.  I found myself crying softly in dressing rooms as more and more clothes wouldn't fit or look decent.  Then the struggle to get the weight off that went on so quickly, took over a year to take off.  But then I was on such a roll, I took off the marriage pounds, and in Nov. 2011 I was at my prime. 

I was at a weight I was happy.  My body looked and felt the way I thought it should.  Clothes fit me nicely.  I had the energy a late 20 something year old should have.  And in all reality the fact I was in such good shape, proved to most likely helped me through pregnancy. 

But now I am left to brave the summer with yet a different body.  This body has been through pregnancy, and a second round of steroids and chemo. The thoughts of my body have had to sway again.  The body I see now, is weird.  different.  interesting. mine. 

I am not one to say my body has flaws.  I guess that goes along with that strong will of what-I-have-is-good.  But there is a struggle to get used to what is there now.  When I look into the mirror now I see:

Stomach skin that is not as tight as it used to be.  The skin over my abs is flimsy.  I knew this would happen.  I marvel in the fact I do not have a single stretch mark.  I am also grateful for the most part everything is back where it used to be.  Nothing sags too much. 

Super legs!  I pushed my legs to the edge.  Carrying 30 extra pounds (that is what I gained with Cade) for long distances.  And then even when my body was still healing I was counting on my legs to keep pushing through.  And, WOW, did they ever.  My legs are stronger than they were pre-Cade.  They are well toned.  My thighs are larger than they were before, but I appreciate all that those muscles did for me.  I like what I see when I look at my legs.

Widened hips.  I have a small frame, and I gave birth to a big boy, with super wide shoulders (and a big head!).  During labor the doctor had to pull my hips apart to get Cade's shoulders through.  They are now forever wider. 

Collar bones!  When I go on Prednisone the first place I always see the water gain is my neck/front chest area.  My collar bones slowly disappear.  It takes me a long time to find them again.  I can see them right now. 

Frizzed hair.  During Chemo I do lose hair.  I have enough hair to get along.  I lose enough to plug the shower drain every 2 weeks.  But it is growing back now.  So I have a bunch of hair that is 3-4 inches long.  All over my head.  I like my hair to not have a lot of volume, or frizz.  So this is killing me.  I wear a tight headband everyday, just to keep the frizz down.  This too will pass.

Smaller breasts.  This is what is taking the longest to get used to.  One of the steroid cocktails I took, had a chance of breaking down tissue.  I lost a full cup (and maybe a half).  I am slightly devastated.  My bras don't fit, my shirts don't look right.  I don't feel right.  I thought getting pregnant guaranteed a bigger, sometimes saggier, chest.  What happened?!

Then I remember this seems so superficial.  I have had this blog written and haven't put it out there for a little while now.  I just didn't want others to think I am some shallow person.  I am not.  But I think body image/body happiness effects most women.  It never ends for us girls, I guess. 

So here is a shout out to all the those girls who are looking in the mirror and not sure what they are looking at.  Here's to all the scars, extra skin, flattened abs, toned arms, crooked smiles, large eyes, too big of thighs, and small chests. 

I know I just have to learn to love my new body, again....and again. 

A Meat Debacle

Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say.  It has been awhile.  Have you missed me?  Busy is an understatement and an entirely different blog.  Today I will try to stay on topic and just get my thoughts out. 

What is on my mind today?

Meat.

 

I am a rule follower.   The doctor gave Jacob and I a chart to help introduce solids to Cade.  It tells at what age, how much, suggested foods, ect....  I was given a chart, and so I follow it.  Jacob and I decided to skip the "rice cereal" phase, personal reasons.  But besides that I stick to that chart.  It has not lead us astray.  Cade enjoys two ice cubes of a fruit with his second bottle, 2 tbs of yogurt at his third bottle, and two ice cubes of a veggie at dinner.  We are successfully weaning off the formula and are down to 25 ozs, which is right on par with the 24-28 ozs he should be taking each day, according to the chart. 

But now the chart says next week we are to start two tablespoons a day of some pureed meats.  Meat.  My family and close friends know I don't like red meat.  My mom tells a story of she only ate steak twice when pregnant with me.  Both times she was violently ill.  The second time was not even 24 hours before she went into labor with me.  Apparently, I hated red meat back then.

I grew up in a house that we ate what was served to the family for dinner.  I dated a guy whose family ate (still eats really) steak on a regular basis.  I ate what was served.  I can eat meat. I don't have any religious reasons not to eat it.  I grew up around farms in which the cattle were sold to be butchered.  I don't have a problem with the cows being raised to kill.  I know all of the benefits of red meat.  So what is my problem?

I don't know.  I just don't like it.  I don't like the way it feels.  I don't like the way raw meat smells.  I don't like to hear it squish.  I don't like the colors of brown and red mixing together.  Just thinking about it has caused a thin line of sweat to form across my forehead. 

Oh yes, your memory serves you right.  I worked in two separate burger joints, for a combination of 8 years.  Maybe I am mentally strong for a couple different reasons....

Anywho.  So the chart says we start red meats this week.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this.  Jacob eats red meat.  My family eats red meat.  Friends eat red meat.  Why can't my son? 

I don't know. 

I will be honest, I will most likely be pureeing red meat this weekend in preparation for next week's meals.  I said before I am a rule follower.  What the chart says will most likely happen.  But dang.  I didn't ever think I would get so much anxiety over something that seems so minimal. 

I can't wait for next week.  Chicken week.  Chicken week can't get here fast enough.