Christmas Letter 2015

I love Christmas. I mean, really love Christmas.  I love everything about it from the way it makes people feel, all the hustle that goes along with this time, but most of all how it almost always means there will be family time.  My favorite part is the gifts.  I love thinking of what each person would really like, and then the search to find it.  Although I have been caught up in the stress of it all, there is nothing that makes me happier than watching someone open the gift I picked for them.  I have been known to shed a few  (happy) tears during this time of the year.

I love creating, addressing, stamping, even licking the envelopes of our Christmas Cards.  This year Jacob and I had to make a lot of tough decisions and this was one of them.  We would not send out Christmas cards this year.  I am pretty sure Jacob hear my heart break a little when we came to this decision.

So I came up with this idea.  I still created a card, it will just be electronic this year.  So we are sharing it this way.

We truly appreciate all of the cards we have received so far, and we do plan to pick up the tradition of sending them again next year.

We hope you all have a wonderful holiday season,  We are blessed to reach you all in this media platform.

Love, Amanda, Jacob. Cade, and Ellee

The Many Phases of Deployments

It doesn't seem to matter how long or how far away the deployments are they all seem to have the same phases.

Phase 1: I am Amazing
    This phase is where the person left behind is so pumped and ready for anything that might come. There has been prep done.  Plans made.  No matter the length of time it seems doable. I mean we have done it before.

Phase 2:  Wow, look at...
    This is when you complete the sentence like this:  Wow, look at how much room I have in the bathroom.  Wow, look at how little laundry there is after one week.  Wow, look at how many left overs are in the fridge.  Wow, look at how much room there is in the bed.  You get the idea.

Phase 3:  Pretending to be Okay
   It has been some time.  You are just kind of tired of doing it all alone.  In my case it is taking care of the animals, the kids, the laundry, grocery shopping, extra jobs, commutes, baths, cleaning, tracking schedules, ect.  You are executing the plan like a pro, but it is becoming tiresome.  But if someone sees you in the hallway, you are fine.  Smile.  Give a specific detail that is going well; ex: I am enjoying how little food I have on the grocery list *insert smile*  I mean at this point you can't seem desperate, I mean it can't be that hard.

Phase 4:  Why Does This Seem so Hard
   You question what you have accomplished each day, after you sit down for the first time around 9pm. Unsure where the day went, you look with weary eyes upon the to-do list that has somehow gotten longer, and you sigh in disbelief that you can't even mark one. single. thing. off.  How did getting through a normal day become so difficult?

Phase 5:  Finding Justification
    This phase comes right before the mental breakdown.  You look for justification in everything you do.  At least the kids were fed today, even if it was handed to you from a drivethru window. This shirt will work; I mean you can't see the wrinkles or this stain if I stay out of direct sunlight.  The toddler doesn't need clean socks, I mean he couldn't have sweat too much yesterday.

Phase 6: Mental Breakdown
    This comes normally right around the middle of deployment.  You have made it so far, yet the end seems impossibly far away.  It normally is started by an event that seems so minimal to others, but it put you over the edge.  For me it was a commute from He**  that took an hour and a half to go 13 miles, and getting caught in a flash downpour while trying to get the kids in the car. We came home soaked and had no clean clothes that fit.  I hadn't showered myself or the kids in 3 days.  The fish tank sprang a leak.  I felt hopeless.  Everything was falling apart.  I couldn't do it all.  I got mad.  I got sad.  I missed Jacob.  This phase can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days. 

Phase 7: New Plan
   You have put on your big girl panties and decided you will make it through this.  When you really think about it, what choice do you have.  What you are doing isn't currently working, otherwise you wouldn't have found yourself in phase 6.  This normally involves actually reaching out for some assistance.  Most military spouses I know are not very good at asking for help.  We feel that it is a duty to be able to hold it all together as we navigate through deployments. I mean we have to stay as strong if not stronger as our spouse. It is our job to make them believe we have it all together, as not to upset them or distract them from their job.  A soldier can not be distracted from their goal.  It is here that we humbly reach out and see if anyone will bite.  If you are a civilian please bite.   Reach out. Do for them.  They will be appreciative.

Phase 8: Grateful
   Now that you have reached out and others have helped you don't know how to  repay them. You become to be at a loss of words.  You cry a lot.  You sit in disbelief that others are willing/actually want to help you.  It is this phase you start feel like you will be able to finish this deployment AND keep the kids alive.  You feel so humble, yet so rejuvenated.  A weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Phase 9:  Really Miss Your Solider
    As tours are winding down so are the requirements of the soldier.  Leaving them more time to talk or video chat.  This is a good/bad thing.  Seeing Jacob is such a renewed sense, but makes it harder to hang up and go to bed alone.  Hearing his voice elates me, but the sound of silence in the house becomes louder.  Talking always leads to I wish you were here, I miss you, I wish I was there talk.  Although it feels great at the time to hear it is hard.

Phase 10:  Deployment is Almost Over
    You have finally almost made it.  You find yourself smiling a little more, on a Wednesday.  You laugh more easily.  Your whole demeanor is starting to change.  You are really looking forward to the daily countdown.  Now you feel a renewed sense to actually clean the kitchen and bathroom.  You want the house to be cleaned, groceries to be done, laundry complete, you don't want to have to be bothered with anything other than just being with your soldier.  Then reality hits, and you really don't have time to get all those things done.  I mean if you had the time to do it, wouldn't you have already wiped the kitchen counters?  Oh well... the kids will have made it through this alive....

Phase 11:  Reunited
    There is nothing more joyous than reuniting with someone who has been gone for a while.  To top physically being gone most military assignments leave communication at a bare minimum.  I can not even explain how big your heart explodes when they are finally back in your arms.  You will choke back tears.  You will have so much to say but not want to say anything at all.

--> A big thank you to the many people who helped me survive this mini deployment.  Childcare helpers the Griners, Robbins, Lauren, and the Kunards.  Dinner makers the Kunards, Hultmans, Gants, Bartigs.  Yard worker Deidre.  Ear lenders  my mom, dad, sister, and my entire small group. Allowed my slacking my 3rd grade team.  It takes a village, and I will look for any way to help when you are in need. 

It all Will Fall Apart

We have been preparing for tomorrow since I got home from Michigan.  But it has been in the back of our minds since June.  Tomorrow. sigh.  Tomorrow Jacob leaves for his annual training in Wisconsin for 3 weeks.

I have done annual trainings before.  But I feel like every year we have added one more complication life event.  First time I was alone with a dog and cat.  Then two dogs.  Then pregnant, then with an infant, then pregnant (and very sick) with a toddler, and now left on my own with two kids.

Every time Jacob has left something crazy happens.  We have had major water damage, I have been sick, animals have run away, air conditioners have broken.  I mean if it will go wrong throughout the year, it will happen while Jacob is gone.  Last year was the first year that his training coincided with the start of the school year for me, which is like two high speed trains heading towards each other.  There is bound to be an explosion.

So this year, when we saw we were headed right for that train wreck again, we spent the last 3 weeks prepping, running through scenarios, perfecting a schedule, and organizing child care.  And you know what?  I know it will all fall apart.

I am prepared for all he** to break lose, I am ready for one or hey why not both kids to get sick.  I am prepared for the air conditioner to crap out.  I am ready to take one or more animals to an emergency vet, on the weekend.  I am slightly excited just waiting to see what unbelievable event(s) will take place this year.

If I am to survive these next three weeks it will be because of the support of my good friends who are taking turns watching Cade and Ellee on Mondays and Tuesdays, my teaching team who will be picking up some slack for me, our sweet nanny who will be on call more than ever to cover open houses, CPR trainings (6 freakin' hours...), and small group meetings, and our daycare for understanding my kids will be there at opening until closing, literally.    I know I will survive because I have amazing friends who are doing the army single mom thing for way longer than 3 weeks, and making it look doable (yes, I am talking of your my sweet Misty).

So here's to the next three weeks.  If I seem a little disorganized, frazzled, not dressed as I should be, or found crying and rocking in a corner remind me how blessed I am, and then tell me to suck it up cupcake.

I will thank you later. 

Where did summer go?

And just like that.  Summer is gone. 

Since the last time I blogged my skin is a little darker.  I am running on a bit more sleep.  I am following a better schedule.  I am a ton more relaxed.  My heart is a little fuller with great memories from the past 6 weeks.

Jacob and I get so little time during the school year, that this summer we knew we wanted to take advantage of the time we could get together.  And we did not let having a new little one slow us down. 

Everyone I know was more than happy to tell me what a big change going from one to two kids would be.  Almost everyone said that baby #2 would be opposite of our first, so I had prepared myself for a screaming baby who never slept.  I guess we really lucked out and got another go with the flow, sleeps anywhere baby.  So our adjustment to having two is really just the amount of time it takes us to get ready to leave the house.

This summer Ellee got to experience so much.  Good thing we took pictures, as she will never remember it.  She got to go camping, the beach, her first road trip, and she spent the longest amount of time in Michigan I have ever stayed since we moved away. 

Getting all of my things ready to go to back to work has been hard.  I have a summer soul.  I love the warm weather.  The sun.  The freedom to do whatever whenever.  The long days.  Being outside. 

But this year I am in a place of peace going back.  I haven't been in that place the last couple of years. 

But who can answer me?  Where did the summer go? 

Intersections

Last week Saturday I found myself at a crossroads. 

No, literally.  I was at an intersection waiting to turn left.   I saw them running towards the traffic light I was stopped at.  At first there were three, then I saw them waiting.  I knew what they were waiting for.  They waited for more.  And soon enough more of them came along. They were all laughing.  Giving high fives.  They all seemed so happy.

I was watching members of my former running group.  Now, they were runners from the "faster" pace group and I recognized them but weren't part of my pacing group, but they were all doing what I used to wait all week to do.  They were running on Saturday morning, in a group, with friends. 

I found myself staring at them.  My soul feeling a longing to be out there with them.  My heart ached a little as I felt like I was watching everything in slow motion.

In that moment an overwhelming sense of loss hit me.  Oh, how I missed my group runs.  

I was snapped back into reality by a sound from the back seat.  Slowly it dawned on me it was my name "mommmmeeeee" I shook my head and made my left turn leaving the runners at the intersection. 

That part of me seems so far gone.  Not because of a falling out, or anything that anyone in my pace group did, just because of circumstance.  Jacob works Saturdays and Sundays.  Although many have said myself and the jogging stroller are welcome on Saturday mornings, I just never felt right.  Most people run Saturday morning to get away from regular life, and kids are part of regular life.  Not to mention having a stroller and running without it taking anyone out would be a small miracle.  I made the decision to give up running with people when I became a mom. 

That doesn't mean there aren't small moments in time when I think about what was.  Life without kids.  Maybe even miss the things I used to be able to do. The freedom I had.

But just as I had chosen to turn away from the runners and continue on the path I had set out for myself Saturday morning, which was filled with errands to run like grocery shopping and picking up a birthday present for a kid's party we would be attending, I will continue down the mommy path.  I get to experience my daughters laugh for the first time, run laps with my toddler, sing the ABC's (not in the right order), and watch a baby drift off to sleep in my arms. 

I sure do miss my group runs, but I am not sure I would give up my Saturday mornings with the kids.  For now I will continue to run, just not the way I used to. 

Life's Puzzle Pieces

Have you ever had that moment of clarity when everything seems to fit together?

Yay, me either.

But, I came really close this evening.

Ellee has had a few off days.  Jacob's mom came to help us with Cade and Ellee when I went to back to work the first of May.  She was able to stay for two weeks.  Then my mom and Duane came down for a week, which gave Cade and Ellee a whole lot of grandparent spoiling time.   We were back to the Larkin 4 yesterday, so I am thinking Ellee may have gotten used to being held, a lot more than I can do when left on my own.  So she has been a little off schedule, with sleeping so little during the day, and eating a ton.  Tonight I was rocking her right before bed, and she was fighting it a little bit. And then it all just fell into place.

I mean everything.

I believe everything happens for a reason.  Jacob and I have been through a lot of different highs and lows, but when you are far enough removed from each situation you can see how it lead you to where you are.  That is what happened this evening.

As I rocked back and forth, understanding that this, the swaddling, rocking, and holding her tight in my arms won't last forever, I found myself so thankful I was able for a chance to do it one more time. 

After Cade, I never really recovered.  I actually remember very little of Cade's first few months.  I struggled to get back to "healthy"  But I never really made it.  Not physically, or mentally.  I never got back to 100% Amanda.

But tonight. Tonight I realized I am back.  Not just feeling okay, but really, truly, like myself.  I have an energy level I have been lacking for a couple years.  I have a mental clarity I haven't had in a really long time.  The past few weeks, yes I went back to work, but I have worked hard on keeping a balance on stress, work hours, and family life.  Granted I only had to juggle it all for 3 weeks, and I did have family support at home, but I did it.  And I felt good about it.

I needed to have Ellee.  I don't know what having a second child did to my body and mind, but it turned me around.  Okay, maybe it was the drugs they pumped me with to get ready, but something this time around helped me.  I didn't know one year ago how much my life would change when the doctors said it was "go time".

But all of my life puzzle pieces wouldn't have fit together if we hadn't taken a leap that really scared us.  Everything happens for a reason, and I am happy today for everything that has happened.

Love, A

My mom is probably pretty mad about the use of the picture above.  And I can understand why.  I mean how dare I put up a picture of her not looking as fabulous as she does now.

It is one of my favorite pictures.

This was taken after my senior year Miller Show Concert, which is the final concert of the marching band season.  It was an end of an era that had meant a lot to me through college.  It marks almost the end of my undergrad years, which really helped shape me.  It is my last picture in my uniform.  

My mom was is not musical.  She does find the beauty in music.  When I was "fitted" for the clarinet in 5th grade, she bought me a used clarinet, when I know we didn't have a ton of money to spare.  She supported me practicing in the living room, on the front porch, and in my bedroom.  She would laugh under her breath as our family black lab would cower away from me when he would see the clarinet case come out.  She was at every band concert middle through high school, and drove to see me march in college, way more times than I can count.  She was always the loudest cheering mom when we would march past her in parades.  She had a Zeeland shirt with all of my siblings names, and graduating year she wore it to every football game.   She still plays my marching band cd's (yes, I marched before the i-Tunes days) around the house.  She loves to play them when she cleans.  She put a lot of passion behind her support of something she doesn't necessarily understand. 

In this picture my mom was also at her heaviest.  There are pictures of my mom in the 80's when she was rail thin.  I only remember my mom having curves.  Her size never meant anything to me as a child.  But being a mother now, I can see how your own body type can bother you as a mother if it is not exactly how you envisioned it.

This picture is also the last picture I know of, that my mother was this size.  Soon after this picture was taken she joined Weight Watchers, and became the size that helps her live life more in the moment.  I have never seen my mom look this way since.
 

This picture means a lot to me when I look at it.  I see a woman who is super proud of me.  I see a mom who drove a heck of a lot of miles to see her daughter while off at college (and even more miles to see me now).  A mom who refused to come pick up her daughter after a month at college, because she knew I was strong enough to push through.  I remember a mom who listened quietly when I thought I was going to quit school and move to North Carolina. This woman has the patience of a saint.  She never showed any weakness when she held my hand for first bone marrow biopsy.  I see a mom who has supported her daughter to marry her high school boyfriend who was going to Iraq. All of this after I had become an "adult". 

I see a woman who has shown she has the power to get back in the life she wanted. I see a fighter.  I see a strong woman.  I see someone I only hope I am one tenth of.

So mom. 

I couldn't find a card that said all that.  So,

Happy Mother's Day.

Love A

I've been here before

I have been here before.

Having a screaming, red faced baby clawing at me.

Getting a newborn up and around to fight rush hour traffic to make the first lab appointment available, because I would rather fight traffic than sit in a waiting room because the lab is behind.

Piling into an elevator, and getting the look of pity from strangers as I push the 6, because everyone knows level 6 is the cancer floor.

Rocking a car seat that holds my baby with my foot, as a lab vampire nurse takes my labs.  

Making a bottle while in a white, sterile waiting room, while I do the obvious.  Wait.

I had to do all of the above with Cade.  So you would think it wouldn't be of any surprise that I find myself going through all of these activities again.  Just this time I get to bring along a toddler too.  

I guess I was so wrapped up in how amazing everything went with Ellee's birth, I had forgotten there was a chance for complications afterwards.  I had started to live in a small elusive world called delusion.  Pretending I was going to experience a normal post partum life with a newborn. 

It was me who actually called the doctor this time.  A week after Ellee was born I had gone in and my platelets were fine.  So fine in fact the blood doctor told me he didn't want to see for two months.  And, who am I to argue?  I promised him I would call with any concerns, and I walked out of the door. 

Only 3 weeks into being a mom of two I was experiencing migraines daily.  But I thought, I have a toddler, and a newborn, I am sure I am just tired.  But after 4 days of not being able to keep my eyes open because light and the slightest sound shot pain through my skull I wanted some relief.  I called the doctor to see if he would prescribe me some "headache pills" (that is what I call them). They are honestly a hiked up Tylenol, but for someone who gets no pain pills ever, this takes the edge off.  He said he would be more than happy to prescribe me some pills as long as we rule out that my platelets are causing the migraines. 

I stayed silent on the phone. 

Ugh. 

After I took a deep breath, trying to ward off any disappointment I felt creeping up, I set up an appointment to get my labs taken.  I was to get my labs, and then if they were fine we would be on our way, if there was a problem, I would have to see the doctor. 

I knew there was probably a problem when John, the triage nurse, didn't stop by and let me know my numbers when he ran my lab report to the back.  He didn't know I saw him take the report.  My heart started beating in my throat.  My nurse came out, head down I will mention, staring at the report.  She asked me to come back to the see the doctor. 

I won't drag this out, as we all know what happened.  My platelets had gone down.  While talking about what else was happening, yes there were a few other signs I was ignoring that had started, my nurse came in and blankly asked me if I was breast feeding.  I swallowed the few choice phrases I wanted to say, and answered with a "yes".  She went on to explain to my doc, remember he just picked me up as a case in January, that last time we went through transfusions and infusions trying to put off the inevitable.  Breast feeding almost killed me. 

Now let me tell you, it may have been killing me physically, but having to stop mentally took such a toll on me I am still not entirely sure I won't be at Cade's wedding crying that I couldn't breast feed him.   Everything was going so well this time around, I didn't think this would be an issue.

After my nurse went down a memory lane I didn't want to turn down, my doctor thought it might be in my best interest to wean Ellee off, stop taking any supplements, and just try pumping.  It shouldn't have been, but it was the most devastating news I could have received in that moment. 

When we talked about having baby number two I promised Jacob, and my family, I would listen to the doctor.  I knew I didn't have a choice this time around.

Well, I am here to say...I did listen.  I talked with my mom and we came up with a schedule to try, and you know what; it actually worked.

Ellee stopped being inconsolable, and had moments throughout the day she was content.  We found that she could go longer than 35 minutes without having to eat.  I found some normalcy in my day, and my stress level dropped.  My migraines slowly started to disappear, until I was only getting them at the very end of the day.  And then I am sure you know what happened; my platelets went up. 

I have been here before.  I survived before.  Then why does it feel so hard? 

What's in a Name

Because of the thought that went into Cade's name, which you can read about here, many people have asked how we came up with Ellee's name. We went through the same thought process this time along, except we already had an idea of a girl's name that we liked, since Cade came out a boy.

Ellee comes from my Great Grandmother Figel.  Although, she was my great grandmother she was  young, and very involved in our lives, so she was more like a grandparent.  We were extremely close, and it rocked my world when she unexpectedly passed away while I was in high school.   Her name was Elnora but went by the nickname Ellee.  Except no one really had a spelling for it.  It was more of a name she went by, but when she or family wrote out her name it was Elnora.  Jacob is not big on putting something on a birth certificate if we are not going to call the child by that name.  So we decided we would place Ellee on the birth certificate instead of Elnora, or Eleanor. 

The spelling for Ellee comes with some creativity on my part.  I am all about being unique and creating a name that each child can feel individual about.  Jacob's dad, and my dad have the same middle name, Lee.  So we placed that in her name.  Hence the El - LEE. 

Jean comes from a variety of strong women.  Both of Jacob's grandmother's names were and are Jean, my maternal grandmother's name is Jean, and my mother's middle name is Jean.  So just like my middle name is riddled throughout my family history, Ellee's middle name shows up all over on both sides. 

Our goal was to have a name for our second child that was just as strong and family oriented as Cade Ashby.  I hope Ellee Jean will love how her name was formed from channeling such strong women! 

Nothing Like Last Time

I am writing this 7 days after bringing Ellee Jean Larkin into the world.  I know the day of labor scared many people, and the amount of prayers and good thoughts were not lost on me.  Too many have a "vivid memory" (my OBGYN's exact words, the day before we induced) of what happened.  My memory consisted of many foggy memories, but here is what happened last time. 

So before I continue with this blog post, it would be a great time for me to add in a link to how we found ourselves pregnant again.

Now.  For Ellee's birth story.

Thursday, Feb. 26

We had been given a second unexpected "snow day".  It hit me throughout the day I would not be returning to school until May.  Being that pregnant though, it was a nice relief to be at home the last two days before giving birth.  I relaxed, as much as one with a potty training toddler can, and enjoyed the time I had with Cade.  We had a doctor appointment for 3:30 that afternoon.  Since we knew we would be induced on Friday we had made arrangements with our friends who would be watching Cade to drop him off after dinner.  The snow day allowed us all to attend the last pre-pregnancy checkup.

Dr. Angus was there, even though I didn't technically have an appointment with him, he came out to the waiting room to chat with Cade, and then he poked his head in the room to run an idea by us.  He wanted us to check into the hospital that night.  He wanted to start the induction as soon as he went on shift at 5:30am.  Because of the volume of mothers giving birth at the hospital he was worried I would not get a bed until the afternoon on Friday, which would put us at risk at him having to leave his shift at 7pm.  He wanted to be there for the birth.   He left the room to have us talk about it.  It was a no brainer to Jacob.  He had said from the beginning of this second child process, he wanted Dr. Angus to be the doctor in the delivery room.  I agreed.  Dr. Angus came back in and we set up our plan, and he filled out the paperwork.

All of our plans went into super drive. They could call us starting at 4pm.  When we left the doctor's office it was a little after 4.  We called our friends and made arrangements to drop off Cade right then.  I didn't want to leave.  It was hard for me to think it was going to be the last time it was just the three of us.  I didn't want it to end, but at the same time I couldn't wait for the phone to ring to get things started.

Jacob and I tried to stay busy.  We finished packing.  Yes.  We had a few things to add to our suitcase, a few hours before we went to the hospital.  We went out to eat.  We cleaned the kitchen, and bathrooms.  We watched t.v.  All the while pretending we weren't both secretly holding our breath for the phone to ring.  Around 9pm we decided to get into bed to at least try and get some sleep.  Yeah.  Right.  Jacob was able to fall asleep, but I just watched tv.  Waiting.

FINALLY. At 11:30pm a cheerful nurse called to let me know we had to check in at 12:30.

Friday, February 27

We walked ourselves up to the second level check in desk at Northside Labor and Delivery.  They brought us back to a much larger room than last time, and went through all of the paperwork, and medical questions.  Jacob and I were pretty calm, and just took everything in stride.  There is some kind of peace in doing this whole labor thing a second time.  Not to mention an induction a second time seemed like we had a pretty good grasp on what was to happen.  The night nurse told me that the orders were to hook me up to an IV, take my CBC (to check my platelets), and then let us sleep until 5 am.  We were left alone a little after 3am.

5am, on the dot, I heard the nurse walk in.  My platelets were at 114,000.  I was completely shocked.  Not only had they risen since the previous week, but they were 50,000 higher than when I went in to be induced with Cade.  It was time to get things started.  We did an edema, and then at 5:30 the Pitocin started.   I was hungry, as I am a total breakfast person, but besides that I was mentally prepared to get this labor over with.

**Sidenote:  I was nervous about being able to withstand the pain of natural labor again.  Although I had run/waddled most of the pregnancy the three weeks prior to labor I hadn't really done anything.  I feared I had let my body relax too much, and it would not be in the shape I was in last time.  I prepare mentally by doing a lot of visualization, and I had been practicing that, but I was still questioning myself this time around.**

I watched the news and it was the day of that stupid dress debate.  Is it blue and black or gold and white?  WHO CARES!  It was on every half hour segment of the local and national news.  The nurse came in every half hour to pump up my Pitocin.   The day nurse, Kathy, came in and told me the doctor wanted to move things along today.  I knew that was the plan, so I was game. My platelets were high enough that they were able to give me Fentanyl.  Which I guess is like a Tylenol to most people, but for me it really made me dizzy, and made me almost unable to talk.

The doctor came in to check on me.  We talked a little about last time with nurse Kathy.  I mentioned that we were in a much bigger room this time, and the doctor laughed and said "When the shit goes down it always happens in a small room"  I couldn't help but smile at that.  The last time was pretty dramatic, for all of us, I guess.  

Natural labor is a very active process.  The contractions started really hurting around 8, and the concentration it takes to make it through a strong contraction is immense.  Walking helped a bit, and Kathy hooked me up to wireless probes that were tracking the heart beat and my contractions.  Thank goodness for that.  I walked around for a good part of 45 minutes.  During a contraction I have to think about breathing, trying to focus on something other than the pain, and remind myself it would only last for a minute or so.  During most of my labor Jacob said I just laid there with my eyes closed, and said very little except for answering questions to the nurse or doctor.  The doctor came in around 9:30 and again, wanted to move things along, so he broke my water.

Walking through the contractions

Jacob wanted me to add this one. He calls it "Natural Labor"

At 10:10 I remember telling Jacob to mute the tv.  I could not take the sound of Kathy Lee and Hoda. They were breaking into my intense concentration.  I was literally feeling like my contractions were way too much.  I didn't feel like I was getting any relief what so ever.  I told Jacob to get me a bucket.  I was going to puke.   While dry heaving, due to the fact I hadn't eaten since 7:30 the night before, the nurse came hustling in and clicked away at my Pitocin.  She explained my body was giving me contractions, and the Pitocin was giving me contractions, hence the feeling like I had no relief, because I wasn't coming down from the contractions.  She wrapped a cold compress around my neck and rubbed my arm while I finished dry heaving.  She was able to give me some nausea medicine through the IV.  After a few minutes I could feel a difference.  I was at least able to come down from the lower back pains I was having. 

During the entire morning I could hear the doctor and nurse coming in and out of the room.  He had set up a table in the corner of the room, and I knew he was putting things on the table.  I learned later it was his arsenal of what he thought we might need.  He was going to be prepared for anything I could throw at him.  He explained to me that as soon as my pain went from my back to the front to call him.  I could hear him talking to Jacob, and giving him suggestions on what I could do to help with the pain, like crouch down, face backwards, or sit in the fetal position.  I know he was trying to help, but I mentally just needed to sit there.  Exactly how I was.  I didn't want to move.

Just like last time I loose the details somewhere in here.  Apparently at some point I told Kathy it was time to start pushing.  Jacob said he was not ready.  It was only around noon.  Kathy must have called the doctor because it was only a matter of time I heard Dr. Angus's voice asking for a can opener.  The story behind this is Dr. Angus wanted to try and numb my nerves in the birth canal with a practice that many doctors don't do anymore.  It has no blood thinning elements, and he said it would help me be able to push while relieving some pain.  Apparently he needed a can opener.   I remember feeling like between the time I heard his voice, and him F.I.N.A.L.L.Y being in position took forever.  My body was screaming at me to push, and it seemed to take way too long for him to get ready, almost like he didn't understand the urgency.

It was just Dr. Angus, Kathy, and Jacob in the room.  Kathy was on my right leg, and Jacob on my left.  They put me up in the stirrups, and Kathy instructed Jacob on how to hold my legs.  I remember little in here, but apparently I gave two pushes, and the head was out.  I remember hearing a cry, and then the doctor saying, "Well we are just waiting on the next contraction".  Sure enough I pushed a third time, and out slid our little girl.  Ellee was passed off to the APGAR nurse who had arrived at some point.

I asked how long I had pushed.  Kathy laughed and said 3 minutes.  I couldn't believe it.  I was waiting for all the chaos to start, but it never did.  Dr. Angus and Kathy worked on stitching me up.  We chatted back and forth the entire time.  I made Dr. Angus's record book once again:  "Quietest natural labor he had ever had".  I was in awe of how calm everything was.  There were no nurses running in and out, no shots in the leg, no room full of strangers.

Everything was completely different.

Nothing like last time.  

The doctor finished me up, set me back up in the bed, and they brought Ellee over.  I was able to see her face.  I was completely coherent.  I was able to talk.  Smile. See my baby.

Ellee Jean Larkin.  Born Feb. 27 at 12:22pm.  7lbs 10 oz, 19.5 in long. Healthy.

There was no high risk room to be wheeled to.  No being too "unstable" to care for myself or my newborn.

Nothing like last time. 

There isn't much else to write.  We were up in the postpartum area by 3pm.  We had our first visitor a little after 4.  I felt great.  I was going to the bathroom on my own.  My body felt like I had just done a 30 minute intense workout.  I was in good spirits.  I was not in the pain I had been in the last time.  They were able to take the IV out of my arm less than 20 hours after giving birth.  I was able to eat regular food with no restrictions.  We were discharged 48 hours after Ellee was born.

This labor story is

Nothing like last time

and that is okay with me!

If I had to be honest

We hit 39 weeks yesterday.  When I put myself up to a goal I am normally able to achieve it.  Goal #1 get to Friday, Feb. 27.  So far I am right on track! 

We had a little scare on Thursday afternoon at the baby docs.  My normal doc is on vacation so I saw one of his nurses, who has worked with me before.  They, yes multiple doctors came in to check, were having some trouble finding the baby's head.  Then, of course, I was measuring small.  Like almost 4 weeks too small.  Afraid I was possibly breach, and/or I was losing amniotic fluid I was given an unscheduled ultra sound.  To see a baby at almost 39 weeks was surreal.  They did check, and I can with confidence say this baby is a girl.  Considering she is ready to come out any day I now believe it is a girl. She has super chubby cheeks, which are so squished up against the birth canal, the whole reason they couldn't find her head to begin with.  She is not breech.  They checked all of the fluid, and all looks fine.  I guess changing my diet after the diabetic scare in Dec helped slow the growth, maybe more than they wanted. 

Then Friday was a visit with the blood doc. Who I have not mentioned has changed to a new guy just in Jan.  Too much to talk about, but that has been quite a ride to go through changing such an important doctor so late in the pregnancy.  But I got my CBC taken and my counts are almost 40,000 higher than they were at this time with Cade.  No talk of steroids.

So there we have it.  Everything seems to be falling into place.  My substitute teacher has been in to observe my class for two days.  She is ready to begin anytime this week.  I am feeling like I am 39 weeks pregnant.  I tire easily, can't bend over, and have less lung capacity than I am used to, but overall I am feeling well.

But if I would sit long enough to really think about what this week brings, and honestly I won't let myself sit in the quiet for this exact reason, I would have to be honest and say I am getting nervous. 

Nervous if I spent enough time with Cade as an only child.
Nervous if I remember how to take care of a newborn.
Nervous to have two.of.them.  I am only one.  I will be out numbered while being alone.
Nervous to have to do the whole labor thing again. No drugs. Possibly clotting issues. 
Nervous to put Jacob in the same situation as last time, having to choose between his newborn child and his wife.
Nervous if I can do it again......

That means all the pain. All the pushing.  All the doctor appointments afterwards.  All of the possible transfusions, and chemotherapy.  All of the late nights.  The steroids.  The fight to breast feed.  Asking my body to step it up one more time. 

But I guess that is why I don't take very much time to think about it.  I figure I have done it before.   I can do it again. 

At least until I find myself alone in the quiet....

Making our 5 year starter home into our 7 year family home

Seven years ago Jacob and I found ourselves in that space between how much do we want to pay in rent, and would it make sense to purchase our first house. 

Seven years ago I had somehow evaded the round of layoffs at work, and Jacob worked in service, which wasn't necessarily being effected by the recession at the time.  Rent prices in Atlanta were soaring, and it didn't make sense to keep downsizing apartments.  So we started the house hunt.

Our goal was to find a "starter" home. Something to get our feet wet in the home owning world, and something to gather equity to help us buy our "dream" home in a few years.  We had no idea what the future/recession held for us.  We looked at a lot of homes. 

Then we found the "Purple" house.  The outside was painted lavender with dark purple shutters and door, with white trim.  The living room, dinning room, and master bedroom was plastered with blue/purple/pink striped wallpaper.  The basement was pink, and other rooms were a light blue, that matched the counter tops and carpets. It was a three bedroom, two bathroom "gem".  I fell in love.  I loved the odd shaped living room, the shag carpet in the "completed" basement, and the backyard was already fenced in, ready for Lola to call home.  The previous owners had moved states and wanted the house gone.  We got our house for what was a steal at the time.  It took a little over 3 months, but we soon were able to say we lived in a purple house. 

When we moved in we had so much room!  The master easily fit our over sized king bedroom set, we had an office space, and extra bedroom for guests.  Our porch was big enough for a medium sized grill and outdoor furniture.  The basement had a 12 foot long closet, that held all of our items needing to be stored.  The entire large room was wired and set up for Jacob's man cave. 

The recession hit us hard.  We lost value on our house two years after moving in.  Our paychecks were the same, but the cost of living went up, and any money we were setting aside for home improvement disappeared.  The house took a backseat as we, along with most of middle America, struggled to make sure the bills were paid.  Not to mention we experienced the norms of owning a house, as in plumbing issues, heating struggles, flooding that collapsed our two backyard retaining walls, oh, and that time I put my foot through the floor by the back wall that lead to a 3 month long "renovation" where the back wall of the house, connecting the kitchen and dinning room, had to be completely replaced, because they found "wood rot". We sold almost anything extra we had in the house to help with the bills.  The basement shag carpet had to be taken up due to the "wood rot" and having a litter of 7 puppies raised down there. We were living in the house, but it wasn't something we would call an oasis, or really somewhere we wanted to have people over. 

Then we found out we were pregnant.  It was at our 5 year mark in the house.  We had wanted to sell around 5 years.  Although the recession was over, the value had not increased in our house.  There was no way to come out even on the house, which meant we had to start looking at our starter home as a we-need-a-couple-of-more-years-out-of-this-house-home.  With no budget we started to decide what needed to be done to make this house our home. 

We painted and hung curtains in the living room.  I know, it took us 5 years, but it is what it is.  We moved the office to the basement, the guest bedroom to the office, and created a nursery.  With a step-dad as the most handy man I know we visited lumber yards, clearance sections, and created a beautiful, functional area for our baby.  We painted the dinning room and kitchen.  We started to replace light fixtures, outlets, and door handles.  Just a little at a time. 

Now we find ourselves pregnant with our second.  In a home that was suppose to be our, as in two people, starter home.  We are now a family of almost four humans, three cats, and two dogs.   It would have been so easy to just get upset or disappointed in our situation.  But Jacob, being so super handy after learning so much through the years, decided we have plenty of room.  We just had to reorganize the space we have. 

Cade moved to the front room, in what I think is the cutest big boy room we ever could have created.  The nursery has been "pinkified".  What used to be the large room in the basement, has had the floor stained, and has nice area rugs to define each new space.  We have created a guest bedroom, a playroom/man cave, office, and athletic area.  In our smaller room in the basement, we have Jacob's tool bench, and laundry room.  We have purged so much.  I don't know if it is the "nesting" part of pregnancy or what, but Jacob and I just have such a devotion to make space for our family, and not keeping materials that would push the family out. 

All of these changes took months at a time.  It took planning, scoping out the good deals, gathering materials, and completing a little at a time.  Jacob worked on completing half of the basement big room at a time, causing him to have to drag everything down there side to side, twice.  It took a month and a half from start to finish in the basement.  But I am so happy with our finished house.  Cade loves having so much room in his new play room, and Jacob was so happy when we set back up his surround sound.  I am just so happy feeling like so much is gone out of our house that we didn't need anyway. 

Are there things left to do?  Um. Yes.  We have never done anything with the master.  The paint that was sprayed, yes sprayed, over the striped wallpaper has started to become so thin I am starting to see some hues of blues and purples.  I have pinned many images of mud rooms that I want to create. The laundry/tool room floor needs to be stained.  The stairs need some attention.  The outside of the house, well it is with pain in my heart that we have a fund started to repaint it, and it won't be purple. 

But what have we learned?  We have always been so lucky to have our house.  It is not in our perfect neighborhood. It is not our dream house.  It has a lot of imperfections that we know we won't have in our next house.  But I am back to the point where I am just as happy with our home as I was the day we found it. 

We are home. 

Oh, Nature

38 weeks pregnant. 

To say I have hit the point of wanting this baby to make its grand appearance is a bit of an understatement.  I know most women who have been at this point are nodding their head in agreement.  It comes with the territory. 

But all seems to be going great.  I am seeing both doctors, blood and baby, each week.  That is getting to be a little much, but something I knew came with the deal I had to make to be in this position.  My platelets are actually higher at 38 weeks with Baby Dos than I was at this point with Cade.  Which is a great place to be in.  Now, I am not considered to be a "normal" pregnancy by any means, but starting at 245 platelets has made a difference.  All is perfect in baby world, and the baby doc says that unless my platelets drop drastically, we are going to let nature happen...to an extent....

Due date is the 28th.  We have an induce date of Feb. 27. I had a pretty good feeling that would be the case.  My doctors don't like to induce on the weekend (we went back and forth about that with Cade), and although my doctor is all about "nature" there is something to be said about having a controlled environment, and not allowing my platelets the opportunity to go too low. 

So new goal:  Get to Friday, February 27

I also like the idea of a date on the calendar.  The idea of a controlled environment with my doctors who have done this before adds to a sense of calmness for Jacob and I.  Giving a date to my substitute teacher is really nice too.  Something to work towards. A little more time with it just being one little man.  A little more time to finish up the projects around the house. 

But I know nature. I more so know when I make a plan it rarely goes as I planned.  So we have a plan for Cade.  We have Cade's bag packed, the baby's bag packed.  Jacob and I are getting around to our bags being packed.  The nursery is complete enough to bring a baby home to it.  If I get through tonight the nursery will officially be complete.  We can always use a little more time to work on the reorganization of the basement.

But I know, I know..... Nature has a mind of her own