I've been here before

I have been here before.

Having a screaming, red faced baby clawing at me.

Getting a newborn up and around to fight rush hour traffic to make the first lab appointment available, because I would rather fight traffic than sit in a waiting room because the lab is behind.

Piling into an elevator, and getting the look of pity from strangers as I push the 6, because everyone knows level 6 is the cancer floor.

Rocking a car seat that holds my baby with my foot, as a lab vampire nurse takes my labs.  

Making a bottle while in a white, sterile waiting room, while I do the obvious.  Wait.

I had to do all of the above with Cade.  So you would think it wouldn't be of any surprise that I find myself going through all of these activities again.  Just this time I get to bring along a toddler too.  

I guess I was so wrapped up in how amazing everything went with Ellee's birth, I had forgotten there was a chance for complications afterwards.  I had started to live in a small elusive world called delusion.  Pretending I was going to experience a normal post partum life with a newborn. 

It was me who actually called the doctor this time.  A week after Ellee was born I had gone in and my platelets were fine.  So fine in fact the blood doctor told me he didn't want to see for two months.  And, who am I to argue?  I promised him I would call with any concerns, and I walked out of the door. 

Only 3 weeks into being a mom of two I was experiencing migraines daily.  But I thought, I have a toddler, and a newborn, I am sure I am just tired.  But after 4 days of not being able to keep my eyes open because light and the slightest sound shot pain through my skull I wanted some relief.  I called the doctor to see if he would prescribe me some "headache pills" (that is what I call them). They are honestly a hiked up Tylenol, but for someone who gets no pain pills ever, this takes the edge off.  He said he would be more than happy to prescribe me some pills as long as we rule out that my platelets are causing the migraines. 

I stayed silent on the phone. 

Ugh. 

After I took a deep breath, trying to ward off any disappointment I felt creeping up, I set up an appointment to get my labs taken.  I was to get my labs, and then if they were fine we would be on our way, if there was a problem, I would have to see the doctor. 

I knew there was probably a problem when John, the triage nurse, didn't stop by and let me know my numbers when he ran my lab report to the back.  He didn't know I saw him take the report.  My heart started beating in my throat.  My nurse came out, head down I will mention, staring at the report.  She asked me to come back to the see the doctor. 

I won't drag this out, as we all know what happened.  My platelets had gone down.  While talking about what else was happening, yes there were a few other signs I was ignoring that had started, my nurse came in and blankly asked me if I was breast feeding.  I swallowed the few choice phrases I wanted to say, and answered with a "yes".  She went on to explain to my doc, remember he just picked me up as a case in January, that last time we went through transfusions and infusions trying to put off the inevitable.  Breast feeding almost killed me. 

Now let me tell you, it may have been killing me physically, but having to stop mentally took such a toll on me I am still not entirely sure I won't be at Cade's wedding crying that I couldn't breast feed him.   Everything was going so well this time around, I didn't think this would be an issue.

After my nurse went down a memory lane I didn't want to turn down, my doctor thought it might be in my best interest to wean Ellee off, stop taking any supplements, and just try pumping.  It shouldn't have been, but it was the most devastating news I could have received in that moment. 

When we talked about having baby number two I promised Jacob, and my family, I would listen to the doctor.  I knew I didn't have a choice this time around.

Well, I am here to say...I did listen.  I talked with my mom and we came up with a schedule to try, and you know what; it actually worked.

Ellee stopped being inconsolable, and had moments throughout the day she was content.  We found that she could go longer than 35 minutes without having to eat.  I found some normalcy in my day, and my stress level dropped.  My migraines slowly started to disappear, until I was only getting them at the very end of the day.  And then I am sure you know what happened; my platelets went up. 

I have been here before.  I survived before.  Then why does it feel so hard?