I have complained about Prednisone before. Well, let's be honest, I have complained a lot! I hated this drug four years ago, and I swear the second time around I have more of the side effects, and they are more intense. Just to try and put this into perspective here is a general, easy to read, list of the side effects (from Wikipedia) I highlighted the ones that I am experiencing right now.
Side-effects
Major
- Increased blood sugar for diabetics
- Difficulty controlling emotion
- Fluid Retention
- Difficulty in maintaining train of thought
- Weight gain
- Facial swelling
- Depression, mania, psychosis, or other psychiatric symptoms
- Unusual fatigue or weakness
- Mental confusion / indecisiveness
- Blurred vision
- Abdominal pain
- Peptic ulcer
- Infections
- Painful hips or shoulders
- Steroid-induced osteoporosis
- Stretch marks
- Osteonecrosis
- Long-term migraines
- Insomnia
- Severe joint pain
- Cataracts or glaucoma
- Anxiety
- Black stool
- Stomach pain or bloating
- Severe swelling
- Mouth sores or dry mouth
- Avascular necrosis
- Hepatic steatosis
Minor
- Nervousness
- Acne
- Rash
- Increased appetite
- Hyperactivity
- Frequent urination
- Diarrhea
- Removes intestinal flora
- Leg pain/cramps
- Sensitive teeth
Now I knew this would happen. I fought with everything I had not to go back on this drug. Now most people (and animals) I know have been on Prednisone at some point. Most people take around 10mg for a few weeks. I take upwards of 100mg for months on end. I was promised this time around, smaller doses, 50mg, and maybe only 2 to 3 weeks on, and then a weaning off process. I am into month 2 on this hellish drug and even though I am currently weaning off, the process is going much slower than I want.
The amount of anxiety I have had this time around, is close to me wanting to check myself into a padded room. Fighting the anxiety, the depression, and the untrue thoughts is a mentally exhausting battle that I am struggling with each day.
Most people reading this would never know the battle that goes on in my head every day. I am a great actress, and am waiting for my actress paycheck, I guess it is lost in the mail. I am happy, bubbly, positive person when out in public. But at home, when it is just me, all day long, the thoughts become my "friends". I don't hear voices, it is always just thoughts. I am not unstable, I just have a mind that can't shut off, and is filled with untrue/unsubstantiated thoughts.
I honestly am more mentally aware of true vs. untrue thoughts than most with ITP who are placed on these steroids. Check out any of the ITP discussion forums, or support groups and you will see it is true. These people are pieces of work, and I think I can say that as I am one of them, and I understand where they are coming from. Most individuals placed in this mental battle just give into the negative thoughts. They watch their faces fill with water weight, give into the unabridged hunger, and hide inside due to the unending migraines.
I fight every day NOT to be one of those people. I fight mental battles in my head, against myself. When I find myself caught up in a back and forth conversation, with myself, I have to take control, and talk myself into what is true and real. What is happening in the right now? What do I know is true? What do the facts tell me? And then I have to let it go.
For example: While my sister was here, she said she thought she saw some smoke go past our master bedroom window. Immediately my mind goes to a fire outside the window. Then I visualize the side of the house in flames. I ask Jacob to go and look. He looks at me like I am nuts, and says to me "there is no smoke" For most people they would know there is no fire. But in my mind, I started to feel the heat from the fire. Then I could hear the fire. I walk to the window, there is no fire. I go back and sit down. I see smoke in the house. I check the basement. No fire. I sit back down. I start sweating from the impending fire. I turn on the fan, just to see more smoke in the house. I start to struggle to breath. My baby is going to die because of smoke inhalation. I will go to jail for not protecting Cade. My whole family is going to die. It will be my fault. Now I am short of breath because I am a bad mother. I go back to the window to check how bad the fire is. My mind is screaming THERE IS NO FIRE, and then my mind is screaming, THE FIRE IS IN THE GARAGE, YOU CAN'T SEE IT! This whole ordeal is really like 1-2 minutes of my life, but I am pretty sure the fire has been going on for hours. I then have to bring my mind to the fact that there is no fire. There is no smoke. Cade is fine. I am a good mother. I have to force myself to sit down, and not get up, no matter how much my mind screams at me to get out of the house. I bring my breathing back to normal. I keep telling myself there is no fire. It is the drugs. It is in my head.
This battle takes place in my mind. Pretty much all day long. I show few outward signs. Jacob is in tune with what this drug does, and can tell when my mind is not right. My breathing can be a clue, but I keep that under control most days.
Again, I am writing this post today as a therapeutic method. It is a way for me to try (yes, try) to process through my life, and collect my thoughts. I know this weighs heavy on many of your hearts, but stay strong, like me. :) I know many of you keep me and the family in your thoughts and prayers, and I appreciate that more than I can express through these typed words.
On a positive note: Cade is a good baby, and I am enjoying my days home with him. He turns 1 month today, and I am in complete shock. He has such a great personality, and I LOVE his facial features!
