Wednesday, December 31, 2014

1000 Words for 1000 Miles

 Run 1000 miles in one year


The first pin I pinned on Pinterest was the one above.  I pinned it two years ago.  My thought was, WOW wouldn’t that be awesome to say I ran 1000 miles in a year?!  Then it became an after thought.

Until this past January.  I was training for the Goofy Race, a half and a full marathon back to back, and I was logging some major miles.  How many miles a week would I have to run to make 1000 miles?  When I figured it out it came to 20.8 miles a week, or around 83 miles a month.  Between the Goofy race, and my training, January was a shoo-in.  With no other goals on the horizon for 2014 my new goal of 1000 miles in a year was born.

I kept my goal a secret.  There were only four people who were let in on this secret.  I didn’t want to feel pressure from other people.  I am hard enough on myself, I didn’t want others pushing me to get out there. 

During the year I gave up on my goal a total of three times.  Life got in the way.  Being a mom got in the way.  Trying to balance life got in the way.  Wanting to see my husband got in the way.  But at the end of the month I would plug in my mileage and somehow I was either right on, or just a few miles off, renewing my hopes each time. 

I took off three weeks total out of the entire year.  Two weeks when I had morning all day pregnancy sickness, and one during my birthday week, as life just got in the way, with parent teacher conferences, work requirements, and mommy duties. 

I ran only 8 of my 1000 miles on the dreadmill. 

I ran not pregnant, to get pregnant, and up to 7 months pregnant. 

I ran every mile with the blessing of my TWO doctors.

I ran in the cold, the rain, the sun, the dark, the humidity, the baking heat, and the perfect temperature of 70 degrees with no humidity.

I ran in the mornings, in the afternoons, and the late evenings.

I ran in between school and after school meetings.  I would “shower” with a baby wipe in the school bathroom, put back on my school clothes, and show up for PTA meetings.  I hope I didn’t stink. 

I ran after a long day of work., sometimes in the dark.

I ran after an entire day being a “single” mommy.

I pushed a jogging stroller, with a 26 lb babe, for over 500 of my 1000 miles. 

I pushed myself on vacations, at home, and when I really, really, really didn’t want to get out and do anything.

I ran when I wanted to, and when I thought I was so tired I wouldn’t make it a mile. 

I ran with blisters, tired muscles, but never an injury.

I ran most of my miles alone.

I ran around my house, around my work, on the trail. 

I ran to meet friends, to run errands, and I would run somewhere that Jacob would  drive to meet me with Cade, and we would eat, shop, or do activities as a family. 

I ran 112 miles with a broken toe.  The toe is still not completely healed, but I only counted the miles in the 6 weeks the doctor said it would take to heal.  The toe still doesn’t bend. 

This goal was not an easy one.  I struggled towards the end, be it just being tired of logging miles, or the extra pounds I have been carrying, it was a struggle the last two months. Most of November and all of December I had to average 25 miles a week.  It was grueling, in the dark, in the cold, being tired.  The second week of November Jacob said to me “Don’t worry, you can always start this goal again next year.”  And that was my new motivation.   A whole nother year with this goal hanging over my head?!  I couldn’t imagine having to do this all over again.  I had 6 weeks left.  I wasn’t going to give up. 

My runs became more of a waddle than a run.  Baby Dos grew much faster and bigger than Cade, causing me to lose my lungs capacity quicker than I did with Cade. 

I learned a few things about myself in these past 1000 miles.  I gave up my focus on time, and focused on distance.  Something foreign to my brain at the start of this year.  When I started running in 2008 I had small goals, all of them related to distance.  Then I got cocky with myself.  Distance became relative.  I could run as far as I wanted, and not feel like I was going to die the next day.  My new thoughts became centered around personal bests (PRs) for every distance I ran.  I became faster than I had ever been.  But this goal, had nothing to do with time.  I had to learn it didn’t matter how fast I ran, it mattered how far I ran. 

I don’t think this goal could have come at a better time.  I was so focused on the time, I had lost sight of why I had started running.  I run because I can.  There have been two times in my life when my health was in such a state I could not imagine running.  I run now, and continue to run because I can.  This goal helped me recenter my thoughts about running.  I am passionate about it again. 

So there we have it.  1000 words for 1000 miles.  It has been one heck of a journey, and boy am I glad I am done.  Completing this goal ended with no pomps.  No circumstance.  No medal.  Just me knocking another goal off my bucket list.  



2014 Races

1 Full Marathon
2 Half Marathons
1 15k (9.3 miles)
1 10k (6.2 miles)

Monday, December 8, 2014

I am not Scrooge

But.

We will not be decorating for the holidays.

My mother calls me "practical".  I think others consider me "no fun" "orderly" "cheap" and probably some other names I am glad I don't know.  I think some of my practical-ness adds to my minimalist point of view.  If an item is not able to be in use a majority of the time, then I see no purpose for it.

I am not one to "keep up with the Joneses"  If I had my way people would try to keep up with me. For example I see no purpose for a phone other than to text, GPS, and make calls.  Because my phone can double as a GPS there is no reason to own a separate GPS device. We have also donated all of our smaller digital cameras, as guess what, my phone takes pictures too.  I don't like things cluttering up my drawers, I am not a pack rat, and honestly if I haven't used/worn the item in the last season, it can go.  I have a mathematical equation for figuring out how many infant bottles we need to have in the house.  That goes along with how many cloth diapers, pants and shirts for Cade we needed also. 

So that leads me to my decision to not decorate this year.  I am actually in a pretty good holiday mood.  I am excited to have others receive the gifts I have picked out for them.  I have designed, and printed our Christmas Card.  But then I think about the decorating....

We won't be at our house for Christmas this year. Santa won't be visiting our mantel, or putting anything under our tree.  Cade is two, and has little idea why other people are putting out "purty liets"  The only beings in the house will be our three cats, which leads me to believe when we come home we would come home to a tree knocked over, bulbs broken, and three defiant felines. 

What would be the purpose of decorating?  To impress the neighbors?  To show the neighbors we celebrate Christmas?  To add more stress to the little time that Jacob and I get to spend together, by having to dig up all the boxes, decorate with the 2 hours we get together a night, to enjoy it for 2 weeks at the most, come home from vacation, enjoy our family coming down to visit us, which leaves me 4 days to get everything taken back down, again in the 2 hours a night that Jacob and I get together.

No. Thank. You.

My decisions all come down to the purpose.  Would the decorating bring happiness to myself or my family? No.   Would the decorating add to our lives in any way?  No.  Is the decorating necessary for us to live?  No.

Decision made.

Jacob and I are still celebrating Christmas, we are just not letting our house announce that we are this year.  I am deciding that not only can I not keep up with the Jones,  I don't care to, and I do believe our lives will be a little less hectic for making this decision this year. 

Now that being said we do have to find our stockings.  Which box did I put those in? 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

All Over

Where has my head been lately?  All over.

Mommy-world
   I have only been feeling like an okay mom as of late.  October is always a hard month for teachers, with parent-teacher conference, and a district that does give any time to hold those conferences, except your own time.  So between holding 25 conferences, weekly doctor appointments, and trying to balance what time I have left, I have not felt like I have been able to find a balance since going back to school in July.  But the last week, whew. Finally.  We are back to following our weekly schedule, eating at home, at the dinner table.  Although it has been getting dark at 5:30, we have still been able to go for our family walks, and I just feel like our time together has been more meaningful. Jacob and I just were talking the other day about how much laughter Lil' Boo brings to our lives.  He is talking so much now, not that we understand all of it, but that is what keeps us laughing.  He is in his full on I-will-throw-a-tantrum-at-any-moment-I-don't-feel-understood phase, but we are just taking it in stride.  We are a time out giving family, and Cade will push limits but he respects the time out, and seems to change his behaviors for now.  He LOVES reading his books, they are mostly about trucks, cars, or trains.  The rest of his days are filled with jumping, singing, and playing his cars, trucks, and trains. 

Wife-World
    This is a hard place to describe.  Jacob and I have such a crazy schedule, that we have so little time together.  But that isn't my fault, or Jacob's fault.  It isn't because we don't want to be spending time together, it is just we don't have time together.  The bonus for Cade is that he gets a lot of time with either Jacob or I, and I think that is a great way to look at our current situation.

Amanda-World
Health - My platelets are low.  I have hit my bottom mark given to me by my blood doctor. Only a few weeks ahead of what we thought.  I started to plummet with Cade around 6 months of my pregnancy, and this time I was 5 months one week.  As of right now I am not doing anything differently, we are just holding for now.  I broke my toe about a week ago.  There is a first time for everything.  Since there is nothing you can do for a broken toe, I am going on with life.

Teaching - A struggle.  I love teaching.  I think my passion is still there.  It is just I feel like I do so little actual teaching.  As I said above I have yet to feel like I found my balance yet, and the scale has been tipped in the way of work.

Athletics - I completed my longest 13.1 mile race towards the end of October.  I came down a stomach bug/flu the day before the race. Because I wasn't keeping anything in me, I under nourished myself for the race.  Nothing goes in, nothing comes out.  I finished the race, and have been on the mend since.  I am still working hard to try and keep up with some kind of mileage during the evening.  It is more of a waddle, than a run, but every now and then I will do a run/walk workout and I still have it.  Baby Dos is not as comfortable with the running as Cade was.  Cade used to sleep during my runs, and then for a few hours afterwards.  Baby Dos is awake and kicking through most of my workout, and afterwards.  Overall I am still happy I am still cleared to get out there and try and walk off some of my stress.

Pregnancy - I still have not come to terms with the biggest news as of late.

The ultra sound had me completely silent, I spent some time with my mouth open, and then the shock started to set in.  I am not ready for a girl.  We, of course, are happy with a healthy child, but for Jacob he is on cloud 9.  I might also be considered to be on cloud 9, but because I am still sure there will be a penis found in the next ultrasound.  I am just as in shock as I was at the ultra sound.  But in other news nothing much to report.  Everything seems to be going well.  I am bigger with this pregnancy, and Baby Dos is way more active than Cade was, but overall everything is falling into place.  This pregnancy has me feeling a lot more confident, mostly because my doctors seem more confident.  I feel like I know what "should" be coming next, and that is a great place for me to be in.  I know the end of February will be here before we know it.

So where has my brain been lately?  Everywhere.  Just trying to get through everyday life. But feeling blessed, to be where I am right now. 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

10 Years Ago

The end of October, early November is a time that brings up a lot of thoughts of the past for the Larkins of Georgia.

Our birthdays fall eleven days apart, which at this point in our lives neither Jacob nor myself really celebrate anymore.  Although the way people ask you about birthdays makes you think every adult in the United States does outrageous things for their birthdays.  Everyone wants to know what you are doing, and what the other person got you to celebrate.  I couldn't even tell you the last time we did gifts for each other on our birthdays, but the person always gets to pick out what they want for dinner.  Predictable, but exactly the way we like it.  But when we tell others, there is always a look of disappointment with a dash of pity, but honestly what are all these adults doing on their birthdays?

But really this time of year brings back a lot of memories from 2004, which ironically has now been 10 years past.  Although Jacob and I have talked in little bits of all that turned our lives upside ten years ago, I don't feel we have ever really been real with anyone.  So here it is, the truth of what happened 10 years ago.

In July of 2004 I tried to donate my blood at a blood drive.  I was turned away, as having too low of iron.  As someone who gave blood 3-4 times a year that had never been an issue before, but didn't alarm me too much.  In August 2004 during my regular annual checkup, my blood work came back with significantly low platelets.  I was sent to a hematologist that same afternoon.  All of this was happening in my hometown, and I was attending my undergrad in Kalamazoo, so I eventually talked the doctors into sending my labs and files to a hematologist in Kalamazoo.  The same day I was going to see my new doctor in Kalamazoo, Jacob called with some news.  His unit had orders to deploy that November.  It was during that very phone call I decided to keep my health battles to myself.

August and September had me in and out of doctors' offices twice a week.  I acted as if it were nothing.  To be honest, at that point it was nothing.  No answers.  I was given iron transfusion, blood transfers, iron pills, and steroids.  I was subjected to needle pricks twice, sometimes three times a week.  But few knew.  I was Amanda Cade after all.  I was just as strong as anyone else.  I was not going to let anyone know I was weak.  Being sick, to me, meant I had a weakness.  A weakness I didn't have answers to, and neither did anyone else, so I didn't want people to ask questions.  I was in the middle of a marching season, taking 24 college credit hours, and working third shift.  All the while facing appointment after appointment where they didn't know what was wrong.  Going through test after test.  Feeling sicker and sicker as the time went on.  I had adverse reactions to transfusions, my nose bled all the time from the steroids, and the tests they were giving me were becoming more and more serious.

My family and I kept it from Jacob.  My room mates knew only the basics.  No need to concern anyone over nothing.  Jacob called daily with reports on what he was being trained in.  Any news he had, which is really nothing, if you have ever dealt with the military.  We had to work on getting all of his things taken care of stateside. Where would he store his items, what was worth saving, what needed to be shipped or taken home, power of attorney papers had to be signed, we had to plan his one week leave he would be granted before he deployed.

October came with still no news from my doctors. My family was now a little more heightened than they had been before.  My blood was not fixing itself, and there didn't seem to be an end to my weekly visits.  The big final push for an answer required a bone marrow biopsy.  My mom came up and drove me to and from the appointment.  It was my first visit in a chemotherapy room. They had me wait in there while my cocktail of pain meds worked through my body.  I remember the rocking chair, and that there were a ton of "old" people watching old black and white reruns.  The biopsy was one of the most painful things I had ever experienced up until that point.  I had the biopsy on a Thursday, and I was at marching band practice the next day, as we had a game on Saturday.  Nothing was wrong, besides the huge hole in my hip that was covered by gauze, and surgical tape.  No time for anyone to feel sorry for me, or most of all, no time for anyone to figure out something was wrong.

Jacob was getting more and more information as each day went on.  Although he was trained as an Airborne Rigger, they didn't need a whole lot of those over in Iraq. There were talks and trainings on them doing Infantry jobs, something they were all trained in during basic training.  In 2004 everyone knew what it meant to be Infantry in the Iraq War.  He also had called me one day with a story. One of his buddies, or maybe it was a buddy of a buddy, had a fiance who was in a terrible car crash while he was deployed.  She was placed on life support, and given little time to live.  The Army would not allow him to come back, as she was his fiance, not wife.  Jacob's question that I can hear today as clearly as he asked it "What if something happens to you?"  I remember choking back tears, as we still hadn't told him exactly what was going on with my health.  Two days before my biopsy we talked of the options we had, all the while I said nothing more on how sick I had really become.  

The biopsy results were delivered the next week, and now waiting in the waiting room in Kalamazoo was my mom and step dad from Zeeland, and my dad and Gary from Chicago.  It was there sitting in the waiting room I realized this was pretty serious.  I still only had a child' mindset when it came to trying to comprehend what these results could mean, but seeing my family there in the cramped and drab waiting room, reality came crashing down on my like a large boulder.  To top it all off, I was keeping a secret from those in that room.  I was making secret plans to elope.  I was keeping secrets from pretty much everyone in my life.  My 20 year old self was about to collapse. 

The results as we all know was that there were no answers.  I had tested negative for all that they could test me on.  I would be diagnosed with ITP.  All of my parents were in the room as they went through what it all meant, and what life would be like going forward. I don't remember very much of what was said.   I was too busy trying to figure out my secret life, and how I was going to move through the next rather large event, since this one seemed to have concluded itself.

Over the next two weeks Jacob and I worked out our plans, and then it was time to talk to our families.  Eloping was not on my dream list when I was growing up, so again this was on a needs to know basis.  We told so few.  Only our family would attend the ceremony.

There was a lot more than I ever imagined that came along with deciding to elope.  Jacob and I were doing it because we felt it was best, mostly because of his concern for my health, after we let him in on some of what was going on.  I was not going to change my name.  I would continue my undergrad.  We figured how much spousal pay he would be allotted, and we set up an account neither of us could touch.  If the case the marriage didn't work we would split the account in half.

I wore black to my wedding. 

We didn't have marriage bands.

No one stood up with us.

We were babies.



10 years ago our lives were thrown into what should have a whirlwind of disaster.  I am pretty sure if anything like those two life changing events were to happen to us at the age we are now, we would not have been able to bounce through life like nothing was wrong.  I think the Lord gave us our struggles 10 years ago because he knew our young minds were not worldly enough to fully comprehend what the ramifications could be in the future. We took on each trial with only the outlook of 20 year olds, something we could never do again, as we do not see life as a 20 year old anymore.

We lost a lot of friends during this process.  Some of it was my instinct to keep my sickness quiet.  Others did not understand why we decided to elope.  Many felt they knew best, and it was because I had become pregnant, that is why the hasty wedding.  Although I have since become very open about my illness, few knew what it was like to go through the process.  Maybe I made a bad decision keeping my battles quiet, but at the time I felt it was best to keep Jacob's mind on his job, and not worry about other things. We were asked to deal with adult issues with the mentality of young, very young, adults. 

As crazy as it seems it seems it feels freeing to finally write it all down.  Jacob and I have been questioned, looked down upon, and removed from some people's lives, because of our decisions.  But at the time, what 20 year old really cares about all that?

So here's to 10 more years.  Here's hoping we will never have face life changing decisions like that, especially so close together.  November 5th is bitter sweet for us.  It is our first anniversary, but it is a date in time that reminds us of a past that changed the direction of our lives. 

For the better I like to think. 






Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Tale of Two Pregnancies

They say every pregnancy is different, and that couldn't be any truer for me.  Of course there are the obvious differences for me: some kind of an idea of what is going on, less fear, and the big change; this one was planned.  But this time around I have been blessed when a few new surprises.

I have acne.  I was blessed with a medium complexion that somehow escaped the normal adolescence plague of acne.  I have used the same secret since middle school.  Noxzema.  The original.   That is it.  Many women warned me about the pregnancy acne, and with Cade I avoided it.  But this time.  Not so lucky.

I felt Baby Dos, way before I remember feeling Cade.  I guess that is one of the perks of doing this the second time around.  I know what I am feeling.  Week 17 vs. Week 22

I am still trying to decide if my mornings sickness was worse with Cade or not.  With Cade I was sick all the time, but they also found ulsers.  So how much was morning sickness, and how much was the ulsers?  With Baby Dos I did fine until around week 9 and 10, and I was as close to laid up on the couch as someone with a toddler can be.  Luckily I was still on summer break, so I could "rest" as much as possible, but I was still home on summer break so I was a toddler's mommy 24/7.

I was able to hide Cade until around week 15.  Baby Dos popped at 10 weeks.  So much so my co-workers were all looking at me a little funny.  Of course the whole world is too politically correct to say anything, but when I did finally tell them, no one was surprised. 

I have no bladder control this time around.  With Cade I kept all regular bladder control of a teacher during and after.  Easily not peeing for up to 12 hours.  This time, if there is any excess water in my body I better find a bathroom.  This has been the most problematic while out running.  **Yes, I am still running, no difference there** I have become that long distance runner who pees herself, and not because I am running so fast, or I might win a race, but because I am choosing to run while pregnant. 

With Cade we were on Team Surprise.  With Baby Dos.  Well.  That is a daily debate.  We are currently still Team Surprise, but Jacob is fighting hard for all those out there who want to know.  I have heard all the arguments.  It seems everyone else is Team Find Out.  Not to mention, me in all my wisdom promised Jacob when we had number two, fully intending never to be in this position, we would find out.  But let's be honest...Jacob doesn't make girl babies...so why find out early?

So what other surprises await me during this pregnancy?  I am not sure, but I am so thankful to be in this position for just one more time. 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

How does one find herself in her second high risk pregnancy anyway?

"You weren't considering to have another child were you?"

These words came out of my doctor, at my 4 week postpartum checkup.  I had just been told I would be doing chemotherapy in two weeks.  I had a one month old son at home.  I was lucky to be getting 5 hours of straight sleep.  I was not even close to being healed from labor.  I was adjusting to being a mom.  I never thought I would have a first child.  Was he serious?  What kind of question is that?  Do they ask all new moms this question?

This sort of question doesn't come out of what I would consider any doctor who wants to keep any patients.  But this was my reality.  Forced with questions I was not ready equipped to answer.  There had been a lot of damage done during my labor.  Damage that couldn't repair itself due to my low platelets.  If I wanted to be "normal" drastic measures would have to be taken.  I remember tearing up, mostly out of hormonal overload, but none the less I was not in any place to answer such a question.

A few weeks later, after many calls and emails back and forth with doctors, Jacob and I had a plan.  The first step was to get through chemo, and get back in remission.  I was unable to go under surgery until I was in remission.  First step: get to remission.  Easier said than done.

But 14 months later, November 2013, I had leveled my platelets off enough to be claimed in remission.  By this point I was back from my hormonal rage, from pregnancy and steroids, and Jacob and I had fallen into a family routine.  It was our turn to ask a question.

"Could we have another baby?"

A few doctor visits, some emails, and a few phone calls landed us with a new goal.  If I was willing to "prep" my body, agree to regular visits to each doctor, and follow the doctors orders (do they know me or what?!) my doctors would be willing to let us have one year to conceive.  New goal: Be pregnant by December 2014.

January 2014 had me prepped, prodded, pricked, poked, in and out of doctor visits, vitamins, steroids, and a cardio plan that even seemed a bit overwhelming to me.  I followed all orders.  I showed up to all my appointments.  In March my platelet count was 245,000, which is the highest I have on record.  The doctors said now was the time.

It was time to talk with the family.  We wanted to have their support.  The first pregnancy wasn't easy on my family.  I can only imagine what it would be like to watch someone get so sick, while trying to understand the outcome would be worth it.  My sister was a shoe-in, my mom was just concerned if I would really listen to the doctors, and then my dad, making sure over and over again that the doctors were okay with this finally came around.

Then Jacob and I had to decide.  Was this really it?  Was this what we wanted?   Was it worth the risk?  We decided to trust the Lord knew what he was doing, and we proceeded to tell the doctors we would try at the end of April.

I would like to write the phrase long story short.... but the truth is there is no long story.  I knew I was pregnant in June.  I felt sick way before the test could tell us.  We have never had a more clear sign this was meant to happen.

This pregnancy has been different in so many ways, but that is for another blog.  I know what I am getting myself into this time.  I am under no illusion that I will not have to complete chemo after Baby Dos is born.  I know it will happen.  We (myself, Jacob, and the doctors) are doing everything we can to be proactive.  I am seeing a doctor every two weeks, that started the day I showed up with a positive test.  My platelets are declining, but again, we knew that would happen.  At least I started from such a high number. 

So here we are.  Officially announcing there will be one more.  We feel so blessed to have been given the chance to add one more gift to our family.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Happy Where I Am

Every Thursday on Facebook my news feed is filled with older photos that had to be scanned to make it on Facebook.  It is known as Throwback Thursday, #tbt.  I have to say I am mostly indifferent about this.  I have yet to put up my own #tbt but have been tagged in a few pics of times gone by.  However, it is quite fascinating as I scroll through these photos it seems that after you hit a certain age most of the pictures you post are inevitably from high school.  

So every Thursday I am left thinking the same thought.  What is the time in my life I would consider "the-time-of-my-life"?  I liked high school.  I had a good group of friends.  I did well in school.  I was busy with after school activities.  But I never felt like that was it.  I couldn't wait for college.  Everything I did in high school was to get to my goal.  College.  Maybe you could read into that as the "I-will-move-out-and-NEVER-come-back" goal.  I have fond memories for high school and growing up.  But I couldn't wait to get out of there.

College was everything I thought it would be.  I went there without knowing anyone.  I sobbed when my mom drove away leaving me on the 5th floor of furthest dorm away from campus.  I wanted to leave school after 2 months.  I met who are now my best friends.  I lived the apartment life.  I stayed up way too late.  Partied.  Worked 3rd shift.  I had room mates.  I really enjoyed college.

But then came my 20's.  The normal time in life where most people would say they lived crazy.  They have the most regrets of stupid decisions that happened in their 20's.  You live day to day, and you have adult cares, without really having to be in the adult world.

Not me.  Looking back, my 20's sucked.  I know I screwed up the whole you-only-live-once 20's mantra when Jacob and I eloped at the ripe ol' age of 21.  And at that point I had already been diagnosed with a blood cancer.  Which killed any dream of late night drinking binges.  My 20's started out with more stress than I ever imagined.   Then my life was thrown for loop after loop.  Iraq deployment, Jacob being MIA/flare injury, graduating with my undergrad, a ceremony of our elopement, while on our honeymoon our cruise ship tilted, PTSD, leaving everything but each other to move to Georgia, 8 rounds of chemo, marriage struggles, Jacob goes through his bachelor's degree, I receive my masters, a second deployment, a shattered leg, the backside of our house succumbing to water damage, getting through an unplanned and high risk pregnancy, and then ended my 20s with another 6 rounds of chemo.

There were good times.  Just, every time things got good, we were thrown for another loop.  My 20's left me feeling like I hadn't made much of myself. 

Then it came time to turn 30.  I let it come and go very quietly.  It was a hard birthday for me.  Although my 20s didn't treat me very well, I mourned the idea of moving into my 30s.

But you know what?  I am here.  And I haven't been happier.  I am no where close to where I thought I would be.  But I am happy.  Right here.  Life is not perfect.  We struggle. I struggle as a wife and as a mom, but I am just happy.  So I won't be scanning in too many pictures of the old times, but rather living in what I have right now.  Who knows what the next few years will hold, but my 30's haven't been too bad. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Facing Toddler Fears

After the day we found out we were expecting. every day there seems to be some new experience.  Surviving morning sickness, avoiding stretch marks, heartburn.  Then once "Pat" arrived a whole new bunch of experiences.  First bath, feeding, sleeping through the night.

I remember my fears of traveling with Cade for the first time, then flying with him for the first time, then flying alone for the first time.  All of Cade's firsts were first for Jacob and I too.  And that doesn't stop once they are out of the infant phase. 

June was full of toddler firsts for this mom.  I am such a planner, that I seem to think of every scenario possible for each event.  Then I try to figure out solutions for every possible outcome.  Needless to say I normally stress myself out way more than the actual event ends up being.

We took Cade camping for the first time.  Yes, in a tent.  Yes, sleeping in sleeping bags.  Yes, we picked a site with no electricity or water.  Yes, Boo was only 22 months old.  And you know, it was fabulous!  Jacob and I have camped for many years previous to Cade.  We have all the equipment, and actually enjoying going out there.  And to be honest our tent has two rooms, and screened in porch.  We "rough" it.  Due to life in general Jacob and I hadn't been out in the tent in almost 3 years.  We were both ready to get back out there.  It seems natural to us to just bring Cade along.  But while sharing our summer plans with many teacher friends it became apparent that many others thought camping with a toddler seemed less than a relaxing vacation.  We stayed right on the water.  We went for 3 days, 2 nights.  We hiked during the day, and visited a local beach.  We spent time as a family, something we don't get to do very often! 

Boo helps set the tent up

My boys

As long as Cade has some cars he is happy anywhere

Enjoying the water by our site


In June I also faced a large fear of my own.  I made a 15 hour car trip with a 22 month old, alone.  We made the trip back home to Michigan in two days.  Cade, once again, did great.  He did get fussy each day, but who can blame him?  I mean, you would get sick of being in the car too if you were straped in the way toddlers are now.  We spent 10 days in Michigan and then made the trek back to Georgia.  Road trips alone are fine, but I would welcome adult company anytime! 

The morning we left! 

We ate at least two meals each travel day at Cracker Barrel

The latest fear this mommy has faced has been converting Boo's crib to a toddler bed.  Cade has only tried to get of his bed a couple of times, and we only need to go in there and put him back once and he goes to sleep.  And what is it that he goes to do when he gets out?  He is caught reading, every time!   When he wakes up, he gets out of bed, and goes to the door and knocks on it.  How cute is that?!  Once again all of my fears were nothing compared to the actual event. 

Exploring his new bed
So what can I take from all of these firsts that we all have survived?  To relax and let happen what will happen. 

Yay, right.  That isn't part of my personality.  Ha!


Thursday, May 22, 2014

I needed this class

Tomorrow is my last day with this year's batch of third graders.  As any teacher does, this is a time to reflect on what happened these past 9 months.  This year is a little different.  I can't help but remember where I was at this time last year. 

Last year's class was a difficult group of students. I went on maternity leave 3 weeks into the school year.  I ran my classroom from my living room all of Sept and Oct; which included anything from fielding parent emails, phone calls, dismissal changes, required paperwork/online duties from Atlanta Public Schools, entering grades, and trying to keep tabs on where my kids were academically.  Maternity leave was so tough.  Being a new mom was tough.  Finding my new balance in life was difficult. I fought through post pregnancy hormones, trying to lose baby weight, chemotherapy, and the natural demands of being a classroom teacher. 

Last year we had some redistricting take place which led us to hire a large group of teachers, some new to teaching, and some new to our school.  Either way they all came in with paychecks larger than mine.  The blow was low, and it hit my "totally-unfair" button, but no where to go.  I was beat.  Emotionally, physically, and mentally.

As I mentioned before I had a rough class.  A group of students who had just been through redistricting and didn't want to be at their "new" school.  I had a group of students who were going through the process of entering into Special Education, and that required a lot of data collection on my part.  A few students who just didn't mesh well.  Finding a Larkinville learning community was non-existent  By this time last year, I was over teaching. 

This year left me back in third grade, but I went in with a different attitude.  Last summer break was the first one I got to spend with my own son.  Each day, each vacation, each week had a totally different feel and meaning.  I did nothing for my school.  The first year ever that had happened since my 7 years at Smith.  I enjoyed every moment I could being home.

I am not entirely sure what happened this year.  This year I had 9 students in the Special Education program.  Each having different needs, diagnoses,  and personalities.  But this year.  This year.  Something worked.  Something clicked. 

I needed this class.  This year.  As a teacher who was contemplating her passion.  Wondering what she was doing with her life.  I needed this class. 

This class showed me that I had to work harder than I ever had before to reach each and every learner in my class.  I had to make 3 different worksheets for every lesson.  I had to read tests and quizzes aloud instead of catching up on emails or grading while the class tested.  I had to attend more IEP meetings in one year than I ever imagined one general classroom teacher could fathom. 

This class showed me I still have it.  I can take students who enter my room at a 1st grade reading level, and not only push them to grade level, but past.  I learned that when you can help a student find a working strategy that helps them succeed they will blow your mind with what they will accomplish.  This class reminded me I am in this profession for a reason. 

I am never emotional about our end of the year state testing, but this year.  This year.  Everyone of my babies passed the reading and ELA portion, what they need to pass to move to 4th grade.  My heart soared when I got to tell each child individually that they passed. 

This year.  I needed this class. 

** I can't take all the credit for their reading scores.  The gains that my students made this year are to a level that I have never seen in my classroom before.  I was lucky enough to have a fabulous Special Education teacher come into my classroom for our reading block, at least 3 times week. I will miss working with her next year.  With that kind of co-teacher support I know my kids were able to succeed in the way they did.  All the other subjects, I can take COMPLETE credit for those :) 


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Halmark Families

It is hard to escape the pictures of the well dressed children hugging or kissing their well manicured mom in commercials, or photos around various stores come May.  Small talk follows the direction of asking about Mother's Day plans after the weather update.   Unless you find yourself in a hole, society makes it impossible to avoid the reminder of the day that is set aside to honor the one who selflessly gives and loves.   This time of the year is suppose to be a time that mothers and children get together and honor the love that is year round.  But to too many people this time of the year brings on heartache and tears.  Although I am very blessed to have my mother, who I am extremly close to, and a fabulous mother-in-law, it is this day that my heart seems to hang heavy for others.

Today I think of the many reasons Mother's Day might be a little less than "hallmark" for so many.  In all of our well wishes, thanks, and love for someone special in our lives, I think we should pray for so many others.

For the mother who has lost a child.  That this day is a reminder of how they will never hear their child's voice again.  To the fact that today they are confronted, again, with how unfair life is due to sickness, random acts of violence, and circumstances that were out of that mother's control.

For the mother who won't see their child today.  Maybe distance is the culprit, as children get up and leave the home.  Maybe this mother can't take care of their child and gave them up so they might live a better life.  Harsh words, and unforgivness may have placed a wedge of distance between the child/mother bond. Maybe mom is oversea serving our country.  Possibly she might work in one of the professions that doesn't get to rest be it in the medical, or safety field.  For the mother who had to make the heart breaking decision to let her child go, due to an addiction. 

For the mother who is going unrecognized today.  Not because she is not a hard working, selfishless giving mother, but because of circumstances.  She might be a single mom, who no one reminded her children of what today is.  She is the one who made and served her and her family breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as if it were any other day, because in her life it is.  For the mother who has a spouse serving overseas, or in the medical or safety field, as they don't get to take today off.  Although they would have been recognized, because of life's uncertain events, this mom is left to do it all today. 

To those who want to be mothers, but are not.  The heartache that today brings can not be explained.  The pain that no one can understand is right under the surface, and the love that you want to bring to a child shows through your silent tears.  Hold strong today. 

For those who won't be with their mother.  Be it a distance situation, or unsaid words that keep them apart.  Today is not a day of joy and fond memories, but possibly a harsh reality of a terrible way to grow up.  A reminder, to some, that their childhood was something less than joyful.    

And then for those in the world who have lost their own mother.  For those who try to avoid social media as the pictures and status updates with love towards other mothers brings on a deep unsettling anger, that their own is not there. Pray for those who today is so hard.  A constant reminder that once again life is unfair due to circumstances they can not control. 

I understand the thought around having a Mother's Day.  But it does not escape me that most of our lives are very much less than "halmark".  As many of us gather with family today, remember to be ever so thankful for what you have.  And say a prayer for the ones who today is a little harder than a regular day. 

I am thinking of you, the "UN-halmark" families, today.  May the Lord grant you peace to get through today.  

And may the Lord bless all of those un-sung heroes, to who today is dedicated. 

Happy Mother's Day

Sunday, March 30, 2014

No one told me

There are a lot of things that I am finding out in this journey through motherhood that no one told me. 

No one told me that putting a crib sheet on a crib mattress is one of the hardest workouts I will go through on a bi-weekly basis.  I have smacked myself in the face.  I have pinched my fingers/hand.  I have gotten my arm stuck.  Every time I break out in a sweat.

No one told me that food will get everywhere.  Not just everywhere.  EVERY.WHERE.  Take for example last night.  Spaghetti sauce across both eyebrows.  Really?  I found peanut butter on the underside of our ottoman.  How does that even happen?  The hummus on the back of our eldest dog, was a bit comical.  But the piece of uneaten sausage link in the diaper?  

But the big thing I feel lead astray on is how fast a child goes through clothes.  You would think this would come up in conversation once and a while.  Clothing is one of the things people love to give as gifts.  At many baby showers there are so many newborn and 1-3 month clothes given. I know Cade had a full closet when he was still known as Baby Pat.  The problem was I had to go through the dresser/closet when he was only 8 weeks old, and take out what didn't fit and put in the next line of clothes.  Then it happened again around 16 weeks.  And this routine is something I have done about every three months since then. 

For those of you without children, this isn't just a small task.  This is go through all clothes items: shirts, onsies, long sleeve, short sleeve, jackets, pants, pajamas (tops and bottoms), socks, and shoes.  Send what is too small to the laundry to be cleaned and then packed up in a box in a closet.  Go through the boxes of clothes in the closet, and pick out what you think will fit.  As the clothes get bigger this normally means I have to reorganize his dresser.  Then I have to make sure we have enough of everything.  We do Cade's laundry twice a week.  We have to have at least two outfits per day.  Do the math.  Do the math.  Will it all fit in the dresser?  What do we need to buy?

This whole ordeal is something I tend to put off until it is absolutely necessary.  I think this is one of those tasks that I think it will take so much longer than it actually does, but still.  Today I did it for our summer season, that I know pray must be right around the corner.  But because of the cooler weather I kept out some long pants, and long sleeved shirts.  I don't like doing onsies in the summer, but it has been cooler as of late.  So I came up with the conclusion that Cade has already outgrown his dresser.  His 7 drawer dresser.  How does that happen? 

Maybe if I were being honest with myself I am just in shock that Cade is growing. so. fast.   Even though it is inevitable.  He has shorts and t-shirts that are size 2T.  His pants seem so long, and then when I put them on him, they actually fit.  The shirt I am sure that he will be swimming in, almost seems a little tight.  Maybe this is why no one really talks about it.  We have to come to terms with how fast our own babies have grown.  I am not a very sentimental person, but today was a little hard on that mother part of my heart. 

Now that is something no one told me. 

That I have a little part of my heart that was always meant to be a mother. 

Monday, February 17, 2014

A Goofy Report

There is nothing much to report.  It was 39.3 miles.  So that is it.






Hahahha!  You are at my blog, and let's be honest there are few times I am quiet about something. But in all honesty my two races that made up the Goofy at Disney World was really just a small part of an amazing family vacation, in what I consider the happiest/most magical place on the United States.

The Monday before the race was my first day back at school after our holiday break.  We had no students, so we spent half of the day sitting in the cafeteria on small round stools in a meeting.  When I came home with some lower back pain I figured it was just from sitting on those stools.  The next day was our first "weather" day, as the temps dropped to below zero.  So we didn't have school.  While at home I couldn't get comfortable.  The pain in my back was throbbing.  I did take some Tylenol, which I NEVER do.  By Wednesday I was standing in front of my class and I was sweating from the pain.  I couldn't bend over.  I had a hard time raising my arm over my head.  I expressed my race concerns to some of my co-workers.

We left for Disney early Thursday morning.  The pain actually felt a little better, as it was now just a constant warming sensation. My mom was concerned that I actually had pinched a nerve in my lower back.  I still had trouble bending over, or looking side to side.  I would love to write about Disney, but I can't.  It was amazing.  I actually have trouble coming up with the words to express what that trip meant.   So just know, we did up the parks, had a ton of fun, and enjoyed close family time!

Saturday, Jan. 11 was the Donald Duck 1/2 Marathon.  I did exactly what I had trained to do.  I did 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking, and I didn't push it.  I fueled with chocolate gels every 4 miles.  I felt that the race was crowded.  And that is coming from someone who has run the PeachTree 10K, and previous Disney races.  I was in a lot of pain the entire race.  Any amount of downhill was extremely painful.  I was kinda glad there were so many people, as that didn't give me any wide open spaces to take off.  The race was very humid.  I rarely sweat, and I was sweating by mile 2, which was around 6:30 in the morning.  I remembered while running this race, why I don't like to race alone.  I just enjoy racing with people so much more!  I finished the race.  I didn't feel amazing, but it was a half marathon.  For the first time in any race I went to medical after the race. Finish: 2:46:30


Sunday, January 12 was the Mickey Full Marathon.  This was my sister's first marathon!  It was super exciting on so many levels!  The weather was perfect! It had rained the night before, so all of the humidity was gone.  I haven't raced in that perfect of weather before.  Trisha had been battling a foot injury, so even though we had trained to do 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking I was worried that would put too much pressure on Trisha, and I wanted her the freedom to walk more if she wanted.  My back was still in a lot of pain, but slow jogging didn't seem to bother it anymore than standing around.  Trisha was amazing!  She was mentally strong, annoyingly positive, and in great physical shape!  I couldn't have asked for a better race partner. We slowly ran for the first few miles.  We walked through each water stop.  We fueled every 4 miles or so.  Trisha did sports beans, and me with my chocolate gels. We did eat bananas and chocolate when they were offered on the course.  There were more times than I want to admit I had to tell Trisha to slow down.  Not because of our pace, but because of my back.  Trisha could have finished much faster.  Me, I think this was as fast as Goofy race was suppose to be. 


The cheering/entertainment is top notch at Disney.  It is those elements that keep me paying those high prices to do more races there.  As we wound around the ESPN area, somewhere in the high teens for mileage, my back suddenly stopped hurting.  I have no idea what happened.  My back felt better than it had after I finished the half marathon.  It was such a relief!  Only by then my legs were tired, so there was no way to quicken the pace.  I would say we probably walked a mile or less total.  We did some sort of shuffle/jog almost the entire marathon.  Finishing was bitter sweet.  So happy to finish this race, but sad that it was over.  Trisha is a marathoner!  Finish: 6:32:58

So that is it. Goofy wasn't as goofy as it could have been.  Would Will I do it again?  YOU BET!  Who's in?!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

What the "b.l.e.e.p" happened?

SnowJam 2014.

Snowpocalypse.

Snowmageddan.

Tuesday, Jan. 28 started like any other morning, with me texting with my mom and sister. I was on my way out the door, at 6:00 am, when this conversation happened. 




I was expressing that since school was not called off, I hoped the storm passed us.  Also, notice I was not concerned about snow.  I was concerned about the ice and the sleet. 

The morning was fine.  I talked with the kids about how to act when it did start to snow.  I told them it would be fine to look out the window, but not to start screaming, and they all said they wouldn't let it distract them.  Yay. Right. It started snowing at my school at 11:55.   I know this because I was picking my kids up from lunch, and when I got there the kids were all staring out the floor to ceiling windows, watching big, fluffy flakes fall down.  I have to admit it did look pretty. 

 This picture was taken around 12:30 from my classroom window.  It all looked so innocent.  It was about this time that I had students whose parents were coming to pick them up.  At first I was a little upset at this.  I had curriculum to teach.  I continued on with my lessons.  I will admit in the back of my mind I thought "southerners".

We got an email from Atlanta Public Schools that said they would be releasing middle school at 1:30, and then elementary and high would release at normal times.  It was about that time that I started chatting with some of my parents who were coming in to pick up their children.  I had one child leaving about every ten minutes.  Maybe this was bigger than I was making it out to be. 

Around 2:00 I snapped this picture.  The snow was coming down pretty fast.  By this time, parents were looking frazzled, and frustrated when they arrived at my door.  They were reporting that it was taking them over an hour to go 0.3 of a mile.  Some of them had been in the car for 75 minutes just to go from their house/office to the school.  I did have a lot of empathy for these situations, but I still thought to myself, "It is just the Buckhead area.  As soon as I get out from this area I will be fine."  Remember teachers are at a loss of what is going on throughout the day while teaching.  We are not connected to our phones, social media, or the media in general when we have to teach 20 some kids.  I really had no idea what was going on. 

At 2:30, our regular dismissal time, our Principal got on the intercom, and let us know that dismissal was not going to be normal.  The buses that had been sent out for the middle school runs, were out there, somewhere.  We only had two buses that we could dismiss.  We were told to hold our students in our room until their buses arrived, or they were picked up.  Finally, I poked my head out into the hallway and started chatting with other teachers.  This was bad.  The city was grid locked.  I put an Andy Griffith Show on for my remaining 14 kids, and went on Facebook. 

Post after post was reporting hours long in the car.  Some had left their offices around noon, and had not even made it a mile.  Others were reporting cars being abandoned on hilly side roads. 

What. Was. Going. On. 

I started packing my school bag, and reassured my students who were left, that everything was fine, just some buses were late because of those stinky middle schoolers.  My kids mostly just wanted to sit on the couch by the window and look at the snow.  

A few more of my kids were picked up, and a bus was called.  I was down to 8 kids, when our Principal came back on the intercom and explained that we were to meet with our grade teams and figure out who had the farthest to drive.  Teachers who didn't live close to the school, were to send their kids to another teacher's room, and then hit the road. 

This was a hard decision for me.  There was only one other teacher who lived farther out than me, and she didn't feel she had enough gas to get to a gas station in grid lock.  I am extremely protective of my kids, as I have many with special needs.  It was an agonizing decision for me.  My colleagues told me I had to get on the road. I had a son at home. I had a ways to go.   I sent my remaining kids to another teacher. 

A huge saving grace for me, was that Jacob has Tuesdays off.  Cade and Jacob were at home.  I called Jacob at 3:04, after I had wiped my car off, and let the defroster melt the ice on the windshield.  I was headed home.  I told him it was going to be awhile.  But like me earlier he didn't understand why.  I explained to him, as I drove down the school's winding driveway, that the road in front of the school was packed with cars.  I know the area pretty well, and I had mentally been thinking about what route I should take home.  I had one way which was highway.  I had three other ways that were surface streets.  I figured the surface streets would be my best bet. 

I got into a neighborhood, which was quite hilly.  I was following a few cars as we wound around the streets.  As I ascended one of the longer hills, it was then, that I first felt the tires under me lose traction.  I know what to do.  I am an experienced winter driver.  I turned my wheel slightly to the left where there was some fresh powder, hit the gas with a steady, but assertive push, and up the hill I climbed. 

Traffic was at a stand still.  I would go maybe 4 mph for 10 seconds or so, and then I would be at a stop for another 4 minutes.  There were quite a few hills in the first part of my route.  As I came up on the our other school campus, I saw two buses outside of the entrance.  Getting stopped in the middle of the hills was stressful.  As traffic would inch forward, you could hear people spinning their tires.  I would see people start to slide backwards, only to slam on their brakes.  Cars were jerking their wheels to the side.  As I finally inched past the buses, I noticed they were stuck.  I made my first call back to a teacher I knew who had stayed back at school. I reported to her, I had left almost 45 minutes ago, and I was just passing our other school, which is a 15 minute walk away.  I told her the kids who were left should call their parents and the parents should work with one another to walk up to the school.  The buses could not be relied on, and traffic was a nightmare. 

Because of the slow movement I was on Facebook, texting, emailing, and calling the entire time.  My car, which is a crossover, front wheeled drive, seemed to be handling the slush/hills decently.  Thank goodness I knew the treads on my wheels were fine, as that was a Michigan trait I never got rid of.  I was making jokes on Facebook about having on "patient panties" for the commute home.  I still thought that once I got out of Buckhead I was sure it would lessen.  I just had to get out of Buckhead.  It would normally take me 10, maybe 15 minutes.

While I was crawling though the side streets, I was checking in on my kids.  I was emailing with parents.  I was trying to find kids, that didn't get off the bus.  Cell service was cutting in and out.  Cell towers were overwhelmed.  I located each child that we thought was "lost".  I learned that a bus had picked up, and then the kids came walking back to the school, because the bus had gotten stuck.  The staff still there were going through rooms to find snacks for the kids.  Families that could walk to the school were bringing food for the kids.  Everyone was still accounted for 3.5 hours into my drive.  At that time I was finally offically out of Buckhead.

I had come to the part in the drive where I could continue down a surface road, which was next to the highway, or I could get on the highway.  From where my car was sitting I could see the highway inching along, at what looked like faster than what I was.  It was so hard to decide what to do.  Highway.  Major surface road.  Highway.  Major surface road.  For some reason I decided to stick with the surface road.  It was hillier, but I had about 30 minutes of daylight left.  I was sure I would make it home. 

As I made a right turn on to Cobb Parkway I heard on the radio that I75 at Cumberland was now considered impassable.  I would have been right there, if I would have gotten on the highway.  I felt good about my choice.  I was losing day light fast.  The temperatures were dropping quickly.  I could feel, what was slush, under my car turning solid.  I struggled up two more rather large/long hills.  Cars were on the side of the road all over.  People were just out standing on the side of the road.  What is normally a six lane road, was down to two, both heading North, even though we were driving in the Southbound lane.


As darkness hit, as far as I knew my students were all taken care of.  Jacob and Cade were safe.  I just had to get home.  As annoyed as I was at the time spent in the car, I was getting even more worried about the ice.  The ice was now extremely visible, and it wasn't thin, black ice.  This was 2-3 inches thick, and covering the entire road.  It had stopped snowing, so there was no powder to help with traction.  I would wait at the bottom of a hill, until the car in front of me was far enough ahead, and I would just push the gas.  There were no longer lanes.  It was whomever could get their car up the hill, in whatever fashion.  I was swerving past cars that were spinning tires, sliding backwards, stuck, or abandoned.  My fingers clutched the steering wheels, and my legs had begun to shake, as I was holding my muscles very tense. 

5 hours into my normally 30 minute commute (with traffic), I had made it to our local mall.  I was just half way home.  Cobb Parkway is known for its rolling hills, and as I crested, what would be my last hill for that evening, I could see only an array of hazard and brake lights.  I waited on Cobb Prkwy for about 20 minutes. I didn't move anywhere.  I called Jacob on the phone and we were discussing other routes.  There were two other ways home.  I had to get to the other side of the mall.  I wove through cars, and got into the only mall entrance that had a downhill.  I slid across the lot, literally.  I couldn't stop for speed bumps, stop signs, and as I made it around a right turn, I spun the car in a 360. 

I got on the road behind the mall, and to my surprise, and slight elation, the road was nearly empty.  I went toward, what we call the Chuck E Cheese hill.  Steep, and right after a bridge.  I couldn't believe my eyes when I got there.  Cars scattered everywhere.  I stayed far enough back, I started on the gas in the middle of the bridge.  I made it 1/3 of the way up, and started spinning sideways.  I slammed on the breaks, and threw my hazards on.  I knew I could get out of this mess. Or at least get off of the hill, but there was already a group of three cars that had done the same thing behind me.  As my eyes moved from the rear view mirror to front, I saw a large van sliding sideways towards me.  I couldn't do anything.  I couldn't move anywhere. I was on the phone with Jacob as I braced for the impact.  When I say this van didn't stop but a few inches from my car, that might be an understatment.  Slowly the cars behind me, let off the brakes and slid down the hill.  I was able to do the same.  The van that was now backwards, and sideways just put their car in park, and was getting out, as I manovered my own car back down the hill. 

I had one more way home.  I had to get up a hill to the light on the other side of the bridge.  I made it that far.  I took a right turn, and while I was going downhill I actually hit the gas, in hopes that I would make it up the next hill.  Again, it was scattered with a dozen cars in all directions.  I made it half way, and I went from going forward, to hearing my tires trying to grip, to going backwards.  I had to swerve my car around two others, as even though my anti-lock breaks were pumping I was gaining speed as I helplessly slid backwards.  As I came to a rest at the bottom of the hill I told Jacob through frustration "I don't know what to do".

Every way I knew how to get home had hills. Some worse than I was trying.  The area behind the mall was so dark.  I was feeling helpless.  I had never been in this sort of situation.  What was I going to do?  The darkness scared me more than sitting in traffic, so I headed back through the mall parking lot to get back into the traffic on Cobb Prkwy.  I hung up with Jacob. Frustrated.  He had told me to get one of the hotels around the mall.  Are you serious?  I have battled for over 5 hours.  I am not staying in a hotel right down the road from my house.  It can't be this bad!  I called my dad and Gary.  They were at a loss as to what to say.  I had a small thought in my mind.  Lauren, who watches Cade on Wednesdays, she said she lives around the mall.  She might know another way home.

Lauren answered her phone, and as she suggested ways I try, I had to let her know I already tried that, or I can't get there because of this.  Her scenarios led to, why don't you just park your car and walk to my house.  What?  Am I going to be one of those people who abandons their car?  I had already passed the entrance to the mall with the only down hill.  The other entrances all had steep, short uphills.  I was in the lane to get on the highway.  My thought was the highway wouldn't have as many hills.  As I talked with Jacob about my options, he reminded me if I did get on the highway, getting home was not going to happen.  Our neighborhood, and the surrounding area is very hilly.  Most of them long, steady inclines.  The words "I don't know what to do" kept spilling out of my mouth. 

I could see my last entrance to the mall.  I hadn't moved forward in over 10 minutes.  The other side of the parkway, which normally had oncoming traffic, was littered with cars, abandoned after trying to get up the hill, I was presently praying my brakes didn't give out on, as I faced downward.  I sucked in my breath, and turned my wheel a sharp left.  I hit the gas. I went over the median, slid down sideways, until I was at the exit of the mall. I hit the gas, and as my tires spun. I yelled out loud.  I got up the exit ramp, and took another sharp left.  As I tried to make the hill, people walking up the hill were slipping/falling down.  I just kept yelling, and stepped harder on the gas.  I made it up the hill, back through the mall parking lot, and just picked a spot to park. 

After I parked the car I had to pry my fingers away from the steering wheel, and I sat back and just took some deep breaths.  It was at that point I remembered my running bag in the back.  I had a hat, winter weather gear, and a pair of shoes with better grip than my work shoes.  I changed shoes, grabbed my school, and running bag, and headed out for my walk to Lauren's. 


The road that I had tried to drive on only an hour before, was complete ice.  I walked/ice skated across it.  I made my way to Lauren's.  I spent 5.5 hours in the car, and made it about 7 miles.  I was giving up.  I hadn't made it home. 



It was an icy walk to Lauren's house. Lauren made me feel like I was at home.  As I tried to settle in, it was hard to stop my mind from whirling.  Did all of my kids make it home?  Were there still teachers at school? What happened to the teachers who tried to go home?  My phone was buzzing all night.  Our last student was picked up around 11:30pm.  No idea how many kids were home, or stuck in cars somewhere.  Teacher friends who lived by me, never made it home.  Some were still on highways.  Others had left their cars and were at friends.  Some teachers spent the night at student's homes, as they never made it out of Buckhead.  Facebook was constantly updating on my phone.  We found a group called "snowedoutatlanta"  It was a place that people could post where they lived and that they could help, or people could post where they were, so others could help them.  I was so thankful I had decided to get out of the car, and that Lauren was willing to take me in.  On the news we heard hotels/motels were filled, but were allowing people to stay in their lobby's.  Restaurants were staying open and letting people sleep in the booths.  Most Home Depots and Rite Aides were staying open and welcoming anyone who could make it to them.  People offered their homes, thier food, their phone chargers.  Others were roaming the highways by their houses with bottled water, and snacks. 

I still had no real emotions when Lauren and I decided to call it a night around midnight.  My mind and body was still on over drive with worry and stress. 

When I awoke on Wednesday, I was confused.  I wasn't at home. I was safe.  I hadn't brushed my teeth since the morning before.  I was sleeping in running gear.  I was warm. How had this happened?  I turned on the news.  Nothing had changed.  We were still under a deep freeze.  People had slept in their cars.  Not just people, families. Parents who finally made it to daycare or school to pick up thier children and then tried to get home. Children, parents, teachers had slept on gym floors.  Others had walked miles home, after being in their cars for 10 plus hours.  Some children were still on school buses, just stuck in the elements.  Cars were abandoned everywhere.  The weathermen were predicting that we would not get over freezing. 

Then the blame game started.  Whose fault was it?  Everyone was pointing fingers.  My Facebook, and text messages were still going crazy.  Too many people still trying to get home, 19+ hours after the storm started. 

Jacob had been called into work around midnight.  He had gone outside to check out the situation, and his car was iced into the driveway.  There was no way he was getting out.  To find out, he wasn't the only officer unable to get to work.  Officers were working many hours of overtime, because no one could get in to relieve them.  

As the sun beemed down through Lauren's window I made a plan.  No longer would I not know what to do.  We thought of the non-hilliest way home.  We thought about alternatives to those plans.  We discussed timing.  We talked about where to park my car if I couldn't get to my neighborhood.  My plan was to try and drive 6 miles towards my house, and get as far as I could.  My goal was to get to a Kroger that was about 1 mile away from my house.  I dressed in layers, from my running gear, in case I was in for a long walk home.  I just couldn't sit and wait at Lauren's house anymore. I started the icy walk back to my car. 

When I got back in my car I felt like I was coming down from some trauma.  I guess I hadn't realized how much the night before had really affected me.  I calmed my breathing, and started on my way.  The sun had melted enough of the ice that I could get some traction.  Also, someone had dumped a lot of dirt, on most of the major roads.  There were cars everywhere.  Again, there were no lanes.  No driving on the right side of the road.  To go 5 miles it took almost 30 minutes, and I was one of the only ones out there on the road.  I had been talking to Jacob throughout the morning, and I knew our neighborhood entrance, which is a rather steep hill, was covered in thick ice.  However, many men of the neighborhood had been out chopping at the ice with gardening tools, which helped melt the ice when the sun did start shining down.  I was able to ride the breaks all the way into my neighborhood, and I parked on the road.  Jacob was out chopping ice, and he carefully climbed up to the road, and that hug was overwhelming.  I was home. 



20.5 hours after I had left work, I had made it home.  When I made it inside, I couldn't stop the tears.  I was finally able to let my mind and nerves down.  I was home. 

So what are my thoughts?  Many people have text or asked when I would have a blog out.  I wanted to start yesterday.  I couldn't get my words to go together in way that would make sense.  I still hadn't made sense of it all. 

Could this all have been avoided?  To an extent. I, whom am a peasant of the education world, knew the snow was going to hit around 10am.  That makes me think that the superintendents of Atlanta, and the metro knew the same information.  Had they called off school, all of those kids wouldn't have been out there.  Parents wouldn't have been trying to pick up their kids.  All of those high schoolers wouldn't have been on the road, plus all employees of the schools would have been at home.  That alone would have put a dent in the traffic. 

Did I make the right decisions? I don't know.  Part of me still wishes I would have stayed with my students.  I can look back now and say if I had stayed I wouldn't have made it as far as Lauren's, leaving me with no one in the area I would have been in.  I would have been one of those people in their car, or walking a distance to a gas station.  I did make the right decision to park my car in a parking lot, and give up for the night.  As much as I hated giving up, it was the smart thing to do.  As my friend Katie wrote to me "I haven't ever felt that helpless and panicked in my entire life. I had the same conversation with Jace (her boyfriend). "I don't know what to do." And that is not part of my personality. Very humbling." 

Whose fault was it?  I don't know.  If you listen the mayor of Atlanta he says the big issue was everyone leaving at the same time.  He then goes on to say that the city of Atlanta was cleared early Tuesday evening, and he doesn't oversee the interstates.   If you listen to the governor you hear him saying he didn't know it was going to snow in Atlanta.  If you listen to Al Roker he blames them both.  

I actually agree with Al Roker to an extent.  All of the officials made a gamble.  The bet that the snow wasn't going to hit metro Atlanta.  That goes to say all of the mayors of all of the different "metro" areas.  All of the superintendents clearly took the same gamble.   They lost.  I hope in the near future we hear the higher ups taking responsibility, and then coming up with the game plan for next time.  

This article really says it best.  This showed us that the Atlanta area is not ready for if/when an emergency arises.  I am hoping the leaders of this metro area will be able to learn from the mistakes that have been made.

Can Southerners drive in the snow?   Yes.  They can not drive in the ice.  But for that matter neither can all of the Northern transplants that are here.  No one can.  

So what the "bleep" did happen?  There is this southern phenomenon that happens in cold weather.  Our air temps go under freezing, and we get snow.  The snow falls on the ground, but our ground temp is still in the 50's.  All of the snow melts, and turns to liquid.  But then it keeps snowing and accumulating, so everything becomes slushy.  As long as the sun is out, we are okay.  But as soon as the sun goes down, all that liquid and slush freezes.  The entire road is covered with ice.  We have 40 salt/dirt trucks, and 30 plows.  The plows can't do anything with sheets of ice.  The salt/dirt trucks got stuck in the same traffic we were all in.  In the north it stays cold enough that it is just snow on the road.  Snow can be plowed, and salted.  It wasn't snow that messed up the city.  It was the ice.  

What did I learn?  I still have parts of me that are Michigan. 

 I always have water in the back of my car.  

I rarely let my gas go below the 1/4 mark.  

I am pretty smart when it comes to figuring out routes that have places to get off.  Had I taken the highway I would have been stuck walking a lot further than I did.  If I hadn't known Lauren, I had at least moved my car into an area that had restraunts, and hotels.  I could have had options if I needed them.  

I am so thankful for my run bag.  In there I had another pair of shoes, sock, shorts, capris, run tights, long pants, a sports bra, tank top, t-shirt, and two long sleeves.  I essentially had a pair of clothes to change into at Lauren's, something to sleep in, and clothes to help layer up as I treked through the ice and snow.  Had I needed to go further, or sleep in the car, I would have been somewhat prepared.  

Always keep a phone charger in your car.  I had my phone plugged in the entire time I was in the car.  When I got it out to go to Lauren's it was at 100% battery.  Again, had I been somewhere where I needed it to get communications through I would have been okay.  

Never underestimate ICE.  Northerns can talk all the sh*t they want to, but had they been here it wouldn't have been any different.  No one can get up hills that are covered in inches of ice.  So don't pretend you could have. Even four wheeled drive vehicles with chains on their tires, were having trouble navigating.  

There is still anger towards the leaders of Atlanta Public Schools. They took a gamble.  And it went bad.  Very bad.  The last of our students were delivered home at 5:30 pm, Wednesday.  There are no excuses.  With their decisions, or should I say no decisions, they put WAY TOO MANY kids in harms way.  Along with the danger that they put their employees.  I have yet to hear anything from the superintendent.  There are children that went through some kind of trauma.  Be it staying the first night away from their parents, being a bus that was in an accident or was stuck, being cold and hungry.  Stress presents itself in many different ways in young children.  If we have school tomorrow, all teachers and staff will be dealing with the after math.  Calming young minds, easing their nerves, and reassuring them that school is a safe place, and that we would do anything we could to protect them.  The community of Atlanta Public Schools is owed something.  

And last I will end with, even though our leaders did not make very good choices, the people of metro Atlanta stood up and took over, so we could find the best in the situation we were in.  People went to the highways to give out water and snacks.  Others opened their homes to strangers.  Businesses did whatever they could to help people.  The communities went out and broke up the ice.  They did what they could around their own houses to help out.  I was one of those people helped out.  I will forever be grateful to Lauren.   I can't wait to pay it forward.  

So that is it.  SnowJam.  Snowmageddan. Snowpocolypse.  Whatever the name you want to call it. It was an adventure I hope never to repeat.