A few nights ago Jacob messaged "I am starting to feel ready to come home, which is not great as we still have a long way to go."
Man. I felt that. My thoughts exactly. We have a long way to go.
December and the start of the new year were great for us - I'll speak for the "us" who are stateside. Holiday break, with time off of school always puts everyone in a great mood. We traveled to warmer weather, which helped too. We were with family for Christmas, then traveled home, and had more family visit back to back. I had adults to chat with for almost three straight weeks. It was exactly the boost I needed.
Then I had to go back to work. Then the kids went back to school. Then my mom and step-dad headed home. And then the cold, cold weather blew in.
I am in no way saying I wouldn't have complained as much as I did about this cold spell if Jacob were here, but man oh man, was it all the more harder to go through it while feeling alone. January is rough. Short days. It is normally the coldest month, and this year we have averaged 20 degrees below average almost every day of January. We do see the sun more than I would if I were back in Michigan, but the cold cuts right through me. Keeps me inside. Keeps me from going out and doing things. The more I write this out I think I may have been using it as excuse to stay home and not even be out in public spaces where there are at least other people.
Instead the past couple of days I have been dwelling on how alone it feels. How I am left with my thoughts in my head. And how the dates that are being tossed around for possible homecomings seem
so
so
very
far
away.
It feels like the end will never come when our youngest is throwing it back in my face that she wishes daddy could be here, instead of me sending him a video of a school performance. The end feels so far away when under his breath, our almost middle schooler, reminds me daddy could do it if he were here. It feels at times I just wont make it this time when my plate is ever so full with daily tasks and then a kids gets sick, or I have to exchange the rental car, again (we are now on rental car #3, another story for another day).
I remind myself these are fleeting thoughts. I will make it. Daddy will be in person to attend school functions, assist with appointments, and fix all the many things going wrong in the house. Eventually. The coincidence that the month of January and us being at the 4 month mark of deployment is not making this any easier.
We have been busy making plans for February. February. When the days will be longer, we hope this arctic chill is long gone, and we get another school break. And we will be another month closer.
Closer sounds better.
