As you may have figured out from the last post, this bump in the front is growing. I am not too happy with it at this point. I can not fit into any of my clothes and I still have 7 weeks of school left. I really, really, really don't want to buy clothes. I want to buy some cute shorts, some sun dresses, and tank tops. That is what I would be willing to spend money on. Not school clothes. I have apologized twice already to baby Pat about squeezing into my black pencil skirt. Now my Dad and Gary did buy me a nice dress, a pair of black work pants, and two tops. And let me assure you all of those items are making weekly appearances.
I am struggling a bit with the scale going up. I know I am filled with liquid, and now a fetus that is the size of an onion. But I have small panic attacks when I am weighed at the doctors office. I worked so hard to get the body that I had for the past year. I was finally happy with where I was, I was not trying to lose weight. I was in the maintaining mode, and learning how to balance fun food splurges, with healthy choices.
Now, even with keeping my diet the same, my belly grows larger. And by larger I mean I feel huge. I am not even half way yet, and I am pretty sure I am sticking out farther than most women around 30 weeks.
I am not comfortable enough to post pictures at this point. I don't even want Jacob to take pictures, but I know at some point I will be glad I have them. We take one picture, yes ONE, about every month.
Now for a few updates about the Larkins in general:
--> Still no money from the military. To say I have given up any hope of receiving a single dime is an understatement. We will continue to fight, but at this point it is just to make a point. My end hope would be that our fighting would not be pushed under the rug, but might help some future soldiers. It would be a big enough pay out for us to make some small change in the military finance book to help a future soldier.
--> Jacob has been in a career for the past two weeks. He is a recruit for the Atlanta Police Department. I am so proud I can not express it through words. Being a police officer was a dream of his in high school. After it was pushed aside for different reasons we have made a full circle, and he will fulfill this dream. This job has been a perfect fit for him. I am so proud of this transition.
--> I am on track for training for the Chicago Marathon, which makes me really happy. A lot of people love to tell me how I won't be able to run with Baby Pat, how I will never make it, and of course my favorite, you won't be running a month after you give birth. I encourage these comments to keep on coming, as I LOVE to prove people wrong. My first week of training was running 15 miles, and a 30 minute swim. I felt great all week.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
I still have some time to get that in order
This phrase came out of my mouth this evening:
Jacob, you do not understand the importance of this mission.
The number one mission is to get through this pregnancy with NO stretch marks.
I repeat...this is our number ONE mission.
I realized a few moments after this came out of my mouth that I might have my number order messed up a bit. I mean I think I have other goals/missions. I would like a healthy baby, and a healthy me. But if I were being honest...getting through this with no stretch marks would be a goal.
I am 28 years old, and I know this might upset few ladies, but I do not have a single stretch mark and no cellulite. I consider this an accomplishment although I know most of this is because of genetics.
I think this phrase still shows my immature/selfish nature. But I have a few months for that all to get in order.....
Right.....
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I turned up the radio and danced
So I have experienced a change. I babysat Wed - just a few hours ago. This was another teenager gig, so pretty easy.
This pregnancy has NOT been easy. I have heard the 1st trimester sucks for most, but seriously I didn't like/do well with the changes. Not sure if others have put it together but my funk at Christmas...yes I can happily blame that on Baby Pat.
--> SIDE NOTE: Baby Pat is a nickname and in NO WAY a hint at the names. There were Saturday Night Live skits, and eventually a movie called It's Pat. The whole premise of the movie and skits were to figure out if Pat was a boy or girl. Get it... you will spend up until Aug. 27 trying to figure out if the baby is a girl or boy. Look it up sometime. Quite funny. Jacob got sick of me calling Pat it, thing, and alien, so my sister and I came up with Pat.
Okay, so my funk, sickness, slight depression, health issues can all be contributed to Pat. I was sick. I couldn't become myself. I had no energy. I was nauseous all day long. I had a migraine from the middle of Dec to the end of Feb. Yes, a full blown migraine. I woke up with, and went to bed with it. The nausea had no relief. I woke up feeling so sick, I couldn't even think about eating or drinking. I tried everything anyone suggested. Nothing sounded or tasted good. I would spend moments of my day in tears asking the Lord to just have me puke, as I was sure that would bring some relief of some kind. The nausea caused me not to be able to read anything for longer than a minute or so. That meant no reading books, magazines, blogs, the internet, and even emails became too much to bare at times. I read all the time. When Baby Pat took that away from me I just thought my life was over. I learned to sit for long periods of time watching mindless shows on the TV. Most of the time dwelling on the fact I couldn't do what I really wanted to do.
I won't go into too many details about other factors, as I know there are many males who read this blog. I will say however, most women are not honest about what comes out of you. If you want to know more email or message me. I will be happy to spill all the real details that many women forget, or plain just don't tell you. It has been a disgusting adventure to say the least.
The doctors told me I had to take this week easy, due to my unfortunate sickness. No running, and no extra activities. I talked with the babysitting gig, and she said it would be super easy. She totally understood. So while I was babysitting I did notice there were moments at night I didn't feel as nauseous. I was even able to read a bit of a book.
But today on my drive home I noticed something I have not done in at least 3 months. While in the car a great dance song came on. I turned up the radio, and danced. This might not seem like that big of an accomplishment for most, but for me it was a turning point. I felt well enough to have cooked breakfast and made lunch, cleaned the house, and did laundry, all while keeping two teenagers from killing each other, and still had enough energy to dance after 5 p.m.
I hope this is the start to possibly embracing this pregnancy.
This pregnancy has NOT been easy. I have heard the 1st trimester sucks for most, but seriously I didn't like/do well with the changes. Not sure if others have put it together but my funk at Christmas...yes I can happily blame that on Baby Pat.
--> SIDE NOTE: Baby Pat is a nickname and in NO WAY a hint at the names. There were Saturday Night Live skits, and eventually a movie called It's Pat. The whole premise of the movie and skits were to figure out if Pat was a boy or girl. Get it... you will spend up until Aug. 27 trying to figure out if the baby is a girl or boy. Look it up sometime. Quite funny. Jacob got sick of me calling Pat it, thing, and alien, so my sister and I came up with Pat.
Okay, so my funk, sickness, slight depression, health issues can all be contributed to Pat. I was sick. I couldn't become myself. I had no energy. I was nauseous all day long. I had a migraine from the middle of Dec to the end of Feb. Yes, a full blown migraine. I woke up with, and went to bed with it. The nausea had no relief. I woke up feeling so sick, I couldn't even think about eating or drinking. I tried everything anyone suggested. Nothing sounded or tasted good. I would spend moments of my day in tears asking the Lord to just have me puke, as I was sure that would bring some relief of some kind. The nausea caused me not to be able to read anything for longer than a minute or so. That meant no reading books, magazines, blogs, the internet, and even emails became too much to bare at times. I read all the time. When Baby Pat took that away from me I just thought my life was over. I learned to sit for long periods of time watching mindless shows on the TV. Most of the time dwelling on the fact I couldn't do what I really wanted to do.
I won't go into too many details about other factors, as I know there are many males who read this blog. I will say however, most women are not honest about what comes out of you. If you want to know more email or message me. I will be happy to spill all the real details that many women forget, or plain just don't tell you. It has been a disgusting adventure to say the least.
The doctors told me I had to take this week easy, due to my unfortunate sickness. No running, and no extra activities. I talked with the babysitting gig, and she said it would be super easy. She totally understood. So while I was babysitting I did notice there were moments at night I didn't feel as nauseous. I was even able to read a bit of a book.
But today on my drive home I noticed something I have not done in at least 3 months. While in the car a great dance song came on. I turned up the radio, and danced. This might not seem like that big of an accomplishment for most, but for me it was a turning point. I felt well enough to have cooked breakfast and made lunch, cleaned the house, and did laundry, all while keeping two teenagers from killing each other, and still had enough energy to dance after 5 p.m.
I hope this is the start to possibly embracing this pregnancy.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Finally back to 97.5
This week really exhausted me. At first I thought it was just the month of March. March is a hard month for teachers. There are no breaks, and we are already 3/4 of the year done, but spring break is still 4 weeks away. The weather in GA is a blessing, but spring fever has already set in, so the kids get a little harder to keep focused. We have report cards to go out, and another set of parent/teacher conferences to get through. So pretty much the month of March is my enemy. So by Thursday when I came home and seriously felt exhausted, I figured it was this baby that was sucking every last bit of energy out of me, and of course the month of March.
Friday I came home and couldn't wait to get to bed. Who cares that it was 4:30. I ate some dinner and straight to bed. Only to wake up around 3:00 am when Jacob was getting ready for drill. My stomach was making some crazy sounds, and I was in a lot of pain. Jacob left for drill. I won't go into too many details but Friday's lunch, and dinner make a reappearing.
Then I started feeling achy. I couldn't really sleep more than an hour at a time, before my body would wake itself up. I couldn't keep anything in. Water, juice, ginger ale, wheat toast, fruit, even regular cheerios didn't want to stay inside. I finally took my temp and it was a wonderful 99.4.
For most people that isn't too high. My regular body temp is 97.5ish though. I was almost 2 degrees higher than normal. Not to mention my body, when not prego, doesn't do well with a body temp higher than 99 degrees. The last time I hit 99 degrees, I got petechiae, bruises, and bleeding from the nose and gums. I scared myself a bit. Now to be fair my blood level are higher now than they have been in the past.
So yesterday I sat in bed. I caught up on 7 hours of the Anderson Cooper show, 4 Dr. Phil episodes, and 2 NBC Datelines. I am still too nauseous to read books, and can only look at magazines for so long. I did venture out to Kroger to get some G2, and poptarts. Both which came back out soon after going in. I slept on and off, and tried to eat and drink. It was the same most of last night.
But then I officially woke up this morning, and my temp broke last night. I am still tired, and have really done about the same as yesterday. Most of my G2 has stayed in, but I am not too ready to try solid food yet.
I guess I can be thankful this happened on the weekend and I didn't need to worry about getting a sub and sub plans. But it is so crazy how my brain just automatically shifted to not only taking care of myself, but this thing inside of me. I knew if I couldn't keep anything down, then the baby wasn't getting anything either. If this were just me, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have canceled all my plans, but because I knew I had to get better fast, I just took the entire weekend off. I hate being alone, and not busy, but I knew it was the best thing I could do. I hope this is done and over, something like the 24 hour flu.
Friday I came home and couldn't wait to get to bed. Who cares that it was 4:30. I ate some dinner and straight to bed. Only to wake up around 3:00 am when Jacob was getting ready for drill. My stomach was making some crazy sounds, and I was in a lot of pain. Jacob left for drill. I won't go into too many details but Friday's lunch, and dinner make a reappearing.
Then I started feeling achy. I couldn't really sleep more than an hour at a time, before my body would wake itself up. I couldn't keep anything in. Water, juice, ginger ale, wheat toast, fruit, even regular cheerios didn't want to stay inside. I finally took my temp and it was a wonderful 99.4.
For most people that isn't too high. My regular body temp is 97.5ish though. I was almost 2 degrees higher than normal. Not to mention my body, when not prego, doesn't do well with a body temp higher than 99 degrees. The last time I hit 99 degrees, I got petechiae, bruises, and bleeding from the nose and gums. I scared myself a bit. Now to be fair my blood level are higher now than they have been in the past.
So yesterday I sat in bed. I caught up on 7 hours of the Anderson Cooper show, 4 Dr. Phil episodes, and 2 NBC Datelines. I am still too nauseous to read books, and can only look at magazines for so long. I did venture out to Kroger to get some G2, and poptarts. Both which came back out soon after going in. I slept on and off, and tried to eat and drink. It was the same most of last night.
But then I officially woke up this morning, and my temp broke last night. I am still tired, and have really done about the same as yesterday. Most of my G2 has stayed in, but I am not too ready to try solid food yet.
I guess I can be thankful this happened on the weekend and I didn't need to worry about getting a sub and sub plans. But it is so crazy how my brain just automatically shifted to not only taking care of myself, but this thing inside of me. I knew if I couldn't keep anything down, then the baby wasn't getting anything either. If this were just me, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have canceled all my plans, but because I knew I had to get better fast, I just took the entire weekend off. I hate being alone, and not busy, but I knew it was the best thing I could do. I hope this is done and over, something like the 24 hour flu.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I have finally been understood!
For the first time in this pregnancy journey, I felt that I was completely understood! This may have been the turning point I was waiting for!
The reaction I get when people find out I am expecting, is HUGE smiles, sometimes hugs, and big "congratulations, aren't you SO happy?!" This has created me to become a pretty good liar, and kinda work on my poker face. I just couldn't answer that question with complete sincerity, and yet I couldn't really place what/where my feeling were.
My mom came the closest to nailing it on the head. She just right out asked "Are you worried you have done, or will do something to hinder/end this pregnancy?" Now that I can answer, Yes. My body is not suppose to be able to do this. So that means my baby must be missing something, a leg, an arm, part of its brain, its blood will be tainted. In essence if I become okay with this pregnancy, people are expecting a perfectly healthy baby, when in my head I can't foresee that yet. I would NEVER want to bring a child into the world if I knew it was going to be sick.
Then I must deal with the issues of how can I become happy with this, and start to embrace it, when the stats loom over me that this baby still might not make it. If I do not become attached, it won't hurt as much....right?
I know that does not make common sense. It will hurt either way. But these are the thoughts that go through my head. I know they are not normal, but I do not think my doctor visits are normal either. I have to hear things many other women will never hear their doctors say. They are being real with me, and I appreciate that, but it doesn't make it any easier.
So today a teacher I used to work with came in to sub for one of my team mates. She was around during my "bad" year, which included chemo. So she knew my health concerns. When she came to see me in my room she said she had heard the news, but didn't believe it. I told her to start believing, and stood up, which then revealed my little bump. She just looked at me and said "Are you not so upset, and worried constantly?"
I thought WOW someone understands me! That is the kind of reaction I have been dreading and yet wanting at the same time. I think I needed someone else to say that because it has been over my head this entire time.
Today helped me move to the next phase I think. I think I can start to embrace this pregnancy, and maybe start thinking about it in a positive light. It is still a lot of wrap my head around, but I will come up with a way to take it one step at a time.
The reaction I get when people find out I am expecting, is HUGE smiles, sometimes hugs, and big "congratulations, aren't you SO happy?!" This has created me to become a pretty good liar, and kinda work on my poker face. I just couldn't answer that question with complete sincerity, and yet I couldn't really place what/where my feeling were.
My mom came the closest to nailing it on the head. She just right out asked "Are you worried you have done, or will do something to hinder/end this pregnancy?" Now that I can answer, Yes. My body is not suppose to be able to do this. So that means my baby must be missing something, a leg, an arm, part of its brain, its blood will be tainted. In essence if I become okay with this pregnancy, people are expecting a perfectly healthy baby, when in my head I can't foresee that yet. I would NEVER want to bring a child into the world if I knew it was going to be sick.
Then I must deal with the issues of how can I become happy with this, and start to embrace it, when the stats loom over me that this baby still might not make it. If I do not become attached, it won't hurt as much....right?
I know that does not make common sense. It will hurt either way. But these are the thoughts that go through my head. I know they are not normal, but I do not think my doctor visits are normal either. I have to hear things many other women will never hear their doctors say. They are being real with me, and I appreciate that, but it doesn't make it any easier.
So today a teacher I used to work with came in to sub for one of my team mates. She was around during my "bad" year, which included chemo. So she knew my health concerns. When she came to see me in my room she said she had heard the news, but didn't believe it. I told her to start believing, and stood up, which then revealed my little bump. She just looked at me and said "Are you not so upset, and worried constantly?"
I thought WOW someone understands me! That is the kind of reaction I have been dreading and yet wanting at the same time. I think I needed someone else to say that because it has been over my head this entire time.
Today helped me move to the next phase I think. I think I can start to embrace this pregnancy, and maybe start thinking about it in a positive light. It is still a lot of wrap my head around, but I will come up with a way to take it one step at a time.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
And then there were 3
The story about how we found out. I am sure there are way better stories out there but this one belongs to the Larkins.
Jacob and I had discussed at length the idea of a family. Jacob really had the bigger want to start a family with humans, than I did. We talked with my doctor about it. His words of advice, let him know when we were going to start trying, and for safety reasons the child should be born before I turned 30. Well the clock is ticking. We were going to have to try this year, 2012, if it was meant to be. We were completely aware that the chances of sustaining a fetus were very slim. We were still in the talking stage at the beginning of this year.
I knew I was "late" but even on the pills my blood messed up a lot. I wasn't too concerned about. We started back to school on a Wednesday. That day I received a text from a school friend that said "saw you on the playground. You looked really happy" I didn't think too much about it, because I was trying to keep a happy face on, returning back to school.
Then on Jan. 5 I was talking to my kids about getting a substitute for my three days I would miss in Feb. I was going to take their requests first. They suggested a great sub, but I had to let them know she was doing a long term position in 4th grade, and would still be there when I would need her. But when I saw the sub in the hallway I thought it would be nice for me to let her know she was my kids first pick for a sub. She thanked me, and let me know when she would be free again so I could use her later in the year. Then she looked at me, and said "Is everything all good? (she then did a circling motion around my stomach area) You just look radiant!" I text Jacob right after that conversation, as radiant is what they call pregnant women. I wasn't pregnant. Was I?
I made Jacob buy some tests on his way home, and I drank a whole bunch of water. We took the first test and I just told Jacob we were taking it to make sure I wasn't. Just to prove it to me. We sat side by side on the bed with the test in my hand, and Jacob holding the direction/key sheet. The first test VERY clearly showed a positive. But that couldn't be right. So we took another one, within the next hour. That one VERY clearly had the same marks as the first.
Since they looked the same, that meant something must be wrong. There was a mistake. So I sent Jacob back out to the store to buy another set of tests. I would take it in the morning. That would make it difference.
I took the third test in the morning before work. It clearly said positive. Three times, and the same result. I called the doctors and made an appointment for a confirmation. It was confirmed Jan. 7.
And that is the story. So now there are going to be three....
Jacob and I had discussed at length the idea of a family. Jacob really had the bigger want to start a family with humans, than I did. We talked with my doctor about it. His words of advice, let him know when we were going to start trying, and for safety reasons the child should be born before I turned 30. Well the clock is ticking. We were going to have to try this year, 2012, if it was meant to be. We were completely aware that the chances of sustaining a fetus were very slim. We were still in the talking stage at the beginning of this year.
I knew I was "late" but even on the pills my blood messed up a lot. I wasn't too concerned about. We started back to school on a Wednesday. That day I received a text from a school friend that said "saw you on the playground. You looked really happy" I didn't think too much about it, because I was trying to keep a happy face on, returning back to school.
Then on Jan. 5 I was talking to my kids about getting a substitute for my three days I would miss in Feb. I was going to take their requests first. They suggested a great sub, but I had to let them know she was doing a long term position in 4th grade, and would still be there when I would need her. But when I saw the sub in the hallway I thought it would be nice for me to let her know she was my kids first pick for a sub. She thanked me, and let me know when she would be free again so I could use her later in the year. Then she looked at me, and said "Is everything all good? (she then did a circling motion around my stomach area) You just look radiant!" I text Jacob right after that conversation, as radiant is what they call pregnant women. I wasn't pregnant. Was I?
I made Jacob buy some tests on his way home, and I drank a whole bunch of water. We took the first test and I just told Jacob we were taking it to make sure I wasn't. Just to prove it to me. We sat side by side on the bed with the test in my hand, and Jacob holding the direction/key sheet. The first test VERY clearly showed a positive. But that couldn't be right. So we took another one, within the next hour. That one VERY clearly had the same marks as the first.
Since they looked the same, that meant something must be wrong. There was a mistake. So I sent Jacob back out to the store to buy another set of tests. I would take it in the morning. That would make it difference.
I took the third test in the morning before work. It clearly said positive. Three times, and the same result. I called the doctors and made an appointment for a confirmation. It was confirmed Jan. 7.
And that is the story. So now there are going to be three....
Thursday, March 1, 2012
16 and unwed
Well the cat has been let out of the bag. Jacob and I are expecting. The due date has been changed a bit from the beginning but the doctor has set Aug. 27 as the big day.
Questions some people want to ask. And some questions some people do ask.
How far along?: I am 15 weeks I think. I am not great at keeping track of that.
Will we find out the gender?: No, and that is that. I want it to be a surprise
What will be the names?: We already have a boy name and a girl name picked out. NO ONE will know the names before actual day.
Were we trying?: No
I am truly unsure how to proceed with this post without some people feeling I am ungrateful, but really when has anyone's opinion stopped me before.
Let's all go back almost 9 years ago. I was sitting in the doctors office finally getting some answers as to why I was so sick. I was told I have ITP. The bottom line for the family world - I do not have enough blood for my own body, and will NOT have enough blood to sustain a fetus. Jacob and I eloped understanding we would not be parents through natural ways. So our lives went on with that in mind.
I have never visualized myself as a mother, never dreamed of being pregnant, never had fantasies about a "dream" family. You can ask my parents, I have never been that girl who talked about children, or ever expressed a desire for that. I was more than content with my husband, and our wonderful animals. I was doing my part by being a teacher, and I enjoy coming home to NO children.
The story of how we found out will be for another time, but being shocked is a complete understatement. I was on birth control, I had not missed a pill, we were not doing anything we hadn't for the past 5 years. Apparently none of that mattered.
At first my shock was represented by denial. The 3, yes three, at home pregnancy tests were incorrect, and the doctors test, had to be incorrect too. My body was acting up, and putting weird things in my blood, no way was I pregnant.
Denial changed into scared **itless. I would spend long minutes staring off into space. Literally feeling like I was 16, unwed, and pregnant. Not 28, married, with a Masters in Education.
Then I started crying. I felt so unworthy. There are so many women who dream, and long to have their own children. Those are the women who deserved to be blessed with a child. Not me. I don't know what I am doing. Here I am so unworthy of what I was carrying. I would cry for hours.
Unworthy has now revolved back to scared. I am not that girly girl who has maternal instincts. We are not where we would want to be financially. I have no idea what I will do about school next year. I feel like my world it up in the air.
I want everyone reading this to know, I will do everything I can to take care of this.....baby. It is still hard to say. I will take good care of myself, and the baby. I will not do anything on purpose to hurt it or myself. I am scared, but believe that the Lord has a plan. My mom says I was taking too long on his time schedule, so He helped me up to speed.
I am a high risk pregnancy, but the kind of high risk that I have no control over. There is nothing I can do, that I am not already doing, that would create more blood. I trust the Lord knows what he is doing. My platlettes have actually gone up since I found out I was pregnant, and I have a really great team of doctors.
I have been cleared to not only run what I am running, and the docs knew about the Princess Half last weekend, but to train for the Chicago Marathon in Oct. I feel great when running, and want to continue.
I will update everyone on my take on being pregnant in a few days. I will preface that with I have NOT enjoyed a minute of it yet.
I am here at this time and place for a reason. I am hoping my maternal instinct kick in, and Jacob and I will do out best with newest addition. I am scared, and still feel unworthy, but I think with time these feelings too will change.
Questions some people want to ask. And some questions some people do ask.
How far along?: I am 15 weeks I think. I am not great at keeping track of that.
Will we find out the gender?: No, and that is that. I want it to be a surprise
What will be the names?: We already have a boy name and a girl name picked out. NO ONE will know the names before actual day.
Were we trying?: No
I am truly unsure how to proceed with this post without some people feeling I am ungrateful, but really when has anyone's opinion stopped me before.
Let's all go back almost 9 years ago. I was sitting in the doctors office finally getting some answers as to why I was so sick. I was told I have ITP. The bottom line for the family world - I do not have enough blood for my own body, and will NOT have enough blood to sustain a fetus. Jacob and I eloped understanding we would not be parents through natural ways. So our lives went on with that in mind.
I have never visualized myself as a mother, never dreamed of being pregnant, never had fantasies about a "dream" family. You can ask my parents, I have never been that girl who talked about children, or ever expressed a desire for that. I was more than content with my husband, and our wonderful animals. I was doing my part by being a teacher, and I enjoy coming home to NO children.
The story of how we found out will be for another time, but being shocked is a complete understatement. I was on birth control, I had not missed a pill, we were not doing anything we hadn't for the past 5 years. Apparently none of that mattered.
At first my shock was represented by denial. The 3, yes three, at home pregnancy tests were incorrect, and the doctors test, had to be incorrect too. My body was acting up, and putting weird things in my blood, no way was I pregnant.
Denial changed into scared **itless. I would spend long minutes staring off into space. Literally feeling like I was 16, unwed, and pregnant. Not 28, married, with a Masters in Education.
Then I started crying. I felt so unworthy. There are so many women who dream, and long to have their own children. Those are the women who deserved to be blessed with a child. Not me. I don't know what I am doing. Here I am so unworthy of what I was carrying. I would cry for hours.
Unworthy has now revolved back to scared. I am not that girly girl who has maternal instincts. We are not where we would want to be financially. I have no idea what I will do about school next year. I feel like my world it up in the air.
I want everyone reading this to know, I will do everything I can to take care of this.....baby. It is still hard to say. I will take good care of myself, and the baby. I will not do anything on purpose to hurt it or myself. I am scared, but believe that the Lord has a plan. My mom says I was taking too long on his time schedule, so He helped me up to speed.
I am a high risk pregnancy, but the kind of high risk that I have no control over. There is nothing I can do, that I am not already doing, that would create more blood. I trust the Lord knows what he is doing. My platlettes have actually gone up since I found out I was pregnant, and I have a really great team of doctors.
I have been cleared to not only run what I am running, and the docs knew about the Princess Half last weekend, but to train for the Chicago Marathon in Oct. I feel great when running, and want to continue.
I will update everyone on my take on being pregnant in a few days. I will preface that with I have NOT enjoyed a minute of it yet.
I am here at this time and place for a reason. I am hoping my maternal instinct kick in, and Jacob and I will do out best with newest addition. I am scared, and still feel unworthy, but I think with time these feelings too will change.
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