16 and unwed

Well the cat has been let out of the bag.  Jacob and I are expecting.  The due date has been changed a bit from the beginning but the doctor has set Aug. 27 as the big day. 

Questions some people want to ask. And some questions some people do ask.

How far along?: I am 15 weeks I think.  I am not great at keeping track of that.

Will we find out the gender?:  No, and that is that.  I want it to be a surprise

What will be the names?: We already have a boy name and a girl name picked out.  NO ONE will know the names before actual day.

Were we trying?: No

I am truly unsure how to proceed with this post without some people feeling I am ungrateful, but really when has anyone's opinion stopped me before.

Let's all go back almost 9 years ago.  I was sitting in the doctors office finally getting some answers as to why I was so sick.  I was told I have ITP.  The bottom line for the family world - I do not have enough blood for my own body, and will NOT have enough blood to sustain a fetus.  Jacob and I eloped understanding we would not be parents through natural ways.  So our lives went on with that in mind.

I have never visualized myself as a mother, never dreamed of being pregnant, never had fantasies about a "dream" family.  You can ask my parents, I have never been that girl who talked about children, or ever expressed a desire for that.  I was more than content with my husband, and our wonderful animals.  I was doing my part by being a teacher, and I enjoy coming home to NO children.  

The story of how we found out will be for another time, but being shocked is a complete understatement.  I was on birth control, I had not missed a pill, we were not doing anything we hadn't for the past 5 years.  Apparently none of that mattered. 

At first my shock was represented by denial.  The 3, yes three, at home pregnancy tests were incorrect, and the doctors test, had to be incorrect too.  My body was acting up, and putting weird things in my blood, no way was I pregnant. 

Denial changed into scared **itless.  I would spend long minutes staring off into space.  Literally feeling like I was 16, unwed, and pregnant.  Not 28, married, with a Masters in Education. 

Then I started crying.  I felt so unworthy.  There are so many women who dream, and long to have their own children. Those are the women who deserved to be blessed with a child.  Not me.  I don't know what I am doing.  Here I am so unworthy of what I was carrying.  I would cry for hours. 

Unworthy has now revolved back to scared.  I am not that girly girl who has maternal instincts.  We are not where we would want to be financially.  I have no idea what I will do about school next year.  I feel like my world it up in the air. 

I want everyone reading this to know, I will do everything I can to take care of this.....baby.  It is still hard to say.  I will take good care of myself, and the baby.  I will not do anything on purpose to hurt it or myself.  I am scared, but believe that the Lord has a plan.  My mom says I was taking too long on his time schedule, so He helped me up to speed.  

I am a high risk pregnancy, but the kind of high risk that I have no control over.  There is nothing I can do, that I am not already doing, that would create more blood.  I trust the Lord knows what he is doing.  My platlettes have actually gone up since I found out I was pregnant, and I have a really great team of doctors. 

I have been cleared to not only run what I am running, and the docs knew about the Princess Half last weekend, but to train for the Chicago Marathon in Oct.  I feel great when running, and want to continue. 

I will update everyone on my take on being pregnant in a few days.  I will preface that with I have NOT enjoyed a minute of it yet. 

I am here at this time and place for a reason.  I am hoping my maternal instinct kick in, and Jacob and I will do out best with newest addition.  I am scared, and still feel unworthy, but I think with time these feelings too will change.