Take it, or leave it

I have learned that continuing to run during pregnancy is not for the weak hearted.  I do not mean that women could not do it.  I am saying if you do not have the determination, or a strong will I can see where one would really struggle. 

If you were to see me out running here is what it would look like:

My shirts/tanks are a bit tighter than they used to be.  I have a round belly in the front.  I wear a support belt that wraps around my back and under my belly.  I wear a fuel belt, with plenty of "fuel" and water.  I carry my mace in my belt, with my cell phone sometimes.  I am still wearing the same shorts, but that won't be for much longer, due to the stretching elastic.  Sunglasses, Garmin watch, Road ID, shoes, and headband are all the same. 

For some the picture above is an inspiration.  I have people come up to me while I am out, and just pat me on the back, give me high fives, and shout great words of encouragement. I have had women wave, and give me thumbs up as I run past them, while they are driving by.

On the other hand, there are people who avert their eyes, give me a look of disgust, and my favorite are the people who verbally speak out about how much harm I am bringing to myself and my baby.   

I have had intense, and lengthy conversations with my doctors.  I have done my own research.  I have talked with women who were, and were not active during their pregnancies.  I do not run because I am selfish.  I run because that's what my body has been used to for the past 3 years.  I would be doing myself and Pat a dis-service by stopping my runs.  I watch my pace, my water intake, the weather, my heart rate, and make sure I am fueled as not to feel faint or tired.  I have never put so much energy into my runs.  My number one concern is Pat. 

I will say the negative comments outweigh the positive on most of my runs.  The people who are closest to me, know that running is the best thing I can be doing for this baby and me.  It is the people who are not so close that seem to have comments.  I shrug most comments off, but I could see if someone was not as stubborn as myself they might falter into the misconception that running is ALL bad.  I understand there are women who can not run, and the doctors suggest not to participate in extra activity.  I promise everyone who still reads these silly posts when that time comes I will listen to the doctor.  I will morn, as activity is part of my life, but I would listen.  

I guess I would just ask that if you are one of those people who might find themselves judging, to give the benefit of the doubt to the pregnant lady who is carrying up to 40 extra pounds.  I am up to 15 extra pounds and I can feel it, when I am out there.  I just wish I could wear a shirt that says "Yes my doctor knows I am out here"

Since I have had a habit of ending my last few posts with a side note I will do the same here.  During my Saturday group run a member of my running group Get Fit Atlanta, collapsed.  Because of my proximity I was one of the first 5 people to her aid.  What I witnessed was an off duty paramedic stop on the side of the road, with his kids in the car,  jump out to help with chest compressions.  I watched a coach of our group work alongside with him to keep Mari-Lynn alive.  As we waited for paramedics I watched Mari-Lynn leave this world twice.  This is something that will take a while for me to process through and might never get out of my mind.  I also was lucky enough to see a large group of Get Fit members running to the site, and working together.  Mary-Lynn had emergency information on her, and because of that we were able to call her husband, and give the paramedics her blood type, and allergies.  Cobb Fire, and the paramedics were amazing.  The fire team was able to use the defibrillator to get her stable enough to survive the ambulance ride to the hospital.  I know many Get Fit members have been there to visit her. 

All that being said I will use this as a chance to plead my case for all athletes to carry some kind of emergency information on them at all times.  I personally have a Road ID that is always on my wrist, and a shoe tag that is filled out.  Going out with others, or at least being in an area that others can see you is a pretty big must too.  Because Mary-Lynn was with a group and in a populated area she received help within seconds of collapsing.  Most athletes know where to look for some kind of emergency information, so carry it.  Last I heard Mary-Lynn was stable but still in ICU.  Prayers for her and her family are always welcomed.   

A lot a bit tribal

A couple of doctor appointments ago I was seeing one of the doctors at my practice I hadn't seen before.  Because my practice has 5 doctors they have you see/meet with each doctor during your pregnancy.  That way no matter who is on call when Baby Pat decides to make an appearance I will have at least seen the doctor before, and vise versa, each doctor has seen my file and will be somewhat aware of my pregnancy journey.

I was meeting with one of the lady doctors.  It was just a normal visit.  Weight, blood pressure, complete blood count, then we listen to the heart beat.  I am very blessed with the doctors at my practice.  I had no say in which practice to be at, as my blood doctor had a partner group, and he said that was who I was going to.  So I feel really happy that at least I like the people there, and I feel like they understand me, and my needs.  Because this was the first time meeting this particular doctor she had a few general questions.  Most doctors find me unusual, and a rare find.  My age, and health background would not normally come to a head with being in remission with ITP. 

As we talked she asked the normal questions. 

How did I find out I had ITP?
What age was I diagnosed?
What precautions do I take in regular life?
How do I feel on a regular day?
How long/what treatments have I had?

She started laughing when we were talking about what that means for labor.  It means probably no pain meds, we are going to try and stay away from any cutting, so the word natural came up.  She just looked at me, and said "You seem so at peace with this.  There are so many women who come in here with so many demands, and expectations.  You, you are more like a tribal woman who will do her regular life up until this baby is ready to come out, and I wouldn't be surprised if you dug a hole in the ground and did your thing."  Now, of course we both laughed, as she was obviously joking.  There are a lot of variables that come with giving birth so I will have to give birth under the strict direction of many doctors, but really, I have little choice in how "natural" this is.

As I drove home I started thinking about what she had said.  She is quite right.  I am an Earthy, kind of girl.  I need little in life, and am most happy outside in the sunshine.  Because of my health complications I have little say in the labor department, an area that most women do a lot of research, and then in turn have a lot of expectations.  My docs/health make all the decisions for me.  And I am okay with that.  I feel like I am in good hands, and I know mine and Jacob's wants have been stated, and will be followed. 

I am continuing on with life, as if I do not have a bump sticking out in front of me.  I am keeping the same schedule, waking at 4:45 a.m., getting to work early, working all day long, staying for all of my meetings and other requirements, getting home and helping around the house, and make dinner.  I am trying on most nights to still get my exercise in.  I get ready for bed about the same time.  That was the only thing that changed during the first trimester due to my exhaustion, but it is back to me falling asleep around 9:30.  I know there are many women who would take advantage of carrying a child, and take a lot of things off of their plates. And I think when the time comes I will start taking some items off my list.  Lord knows Jacob would cook, clean, and practically carry me to bed if I allowed him to.  I like staying busy.  I like doing what I do.  Otherwise I wouldn't do it I guess. 

So tribal...maybe I am.  I know the Masai Tribe women get pregnant, go about their regular lives, and then when time comes, stop what they are doing, and give birth.  It is not soon after that they are up and about again.  That is my hope.  I will talk more later about my struggle with my connecting pregnancy, and illness, but for now, I want to keep my life in regular order, in hopes that soon after Pat is born my life might be back to a healthy me.

So just to clarify I am not expecting to dig a hole, squat, and give birth, but it would not be entirely out of the question.....

I am not a big worrier...

Really,  I am not.  I am a planner.  In this I try to plan out every detail and at least be aware of what variables I am up against.  So when an event finally happens I don't really worry about what is happening in the present because I have already visualized all the outcomes.  Nothing can make me worry about what is in the now.  I know this doesn't makes sense to a lot of people.

Being a planner is one of the reasons this pregnancy took me by surprise, and frankly has been hard to comprehend.  I felt I needed at least 6 months of planning time to get pregnant before I ever would have considered trying to get pregnant.  Because I had not thought out all of the outcomes, all of the variables, I was scared.  I wouldn't say I was worried.  My mind actually shut down for the first two months of this pregnancy.  I was not prepared, therefore I could not even consider what this whole deal meant for the future.  I didn't visualize my life with a baby, pregnant, and I had panic attacks (yes three failed attempts to go to the Baby section in Target, one which resulted in me leaving all of my other purchases in the aisle) when I forced myself to start to face reality. 

I think it is in God's plan that we women have 10 actual months of being pregnant, and in that 10 months we have time to freak out, calm down, freak out again, calm down, start researching, freak out again, and then finally come to terms with this new change, right in time for week 39 to come around.

I have had many emotions.  I have written about many of them, but I can't write each day what I am really feeling, and if you have been pregnant you know your thoughts on being pregnant change almost hourly.  Last weekend Jacob and I had the goal of getting registered for baby Pat.  Again, because of the planner inside of me I had done a lot of research, and created my own must have to survive the first 3 months of having a new born list.  Jacob had already had a very successful trip (by this I mean he was completely calm, and didn't leave his purchases in the aisle) at Babies R Us.  He said that was where he wanted to register for most of the items.  So off we went.

I had my list, and Babies R Us, of course, had their own VERY EXTENSIVE list.  We spent 4 and a half hours in that store.  Now the time actually flew by.  It was not torture until the last section, which had a wall of nipples that almost broke me, as I didn't know what any of it meant.  But we successfully have registered for 85% of Pat's needs.  I call that success!

Again, at this point I am not worried about having a newborn.  I have major fears, and there are WAY too many variables to try and list on here. But can we do it.  Sure.  Jacob and I can do anything we put our minds to.  We have been through a lot that has relied on our friendship, and relationship to pull us through, and inviting Pat into our lives will be no different.

On a semi-different note....Jacob jumped again today.  I have talked a bit about how I know I am not a normal wife.  I do not worry about Jacob when he puts his life on the line.  Jacob was born to put his life on the line.  It is hard to describe but I have always believed that everyone has a purpose on this Earth and when their time is up, even though it is sad and it leaves hurt and questions behind, their time is up.  Jacob does not go into each day thinking about ways he could hurt himself.  Instead he chooses careers that he is well trained in exactly the opposite.  He was injured 3 times in Iraq.  All 3 times he was acting in a brave, and valiant way.  He was not hurt because he used his training, assessed the outcomes, and picked the less of the disastrous path.   Because of this Army training he was able to think clearly what actions should be taken next, as our cruise ship tipped on its side.  His training came in handy when they did an all call for any emergency responders to go to the top deck.  Jacob didn't hesitate.  He is well trained, and when the time calls he moves.

Now, yes.  I know the variables and problems that are involved with jumping out of planes.  But I tell you this, the Army is aware of the variables, and they have trained and practiced for all of those variables.  Jacob's accident was just that.  He never would have tried to hurt himself, especially not on a jump.  The accident was a scary and trying time for both of us.  But no one else was in that hospital room when the doctor came in and told Jacob he would not jump again.  I could hear his heart break.  He stayed strong, and will to this day never tell anyone how disappointed he really was.  Being an Airborne soldier had complimented his life for 9 years.  It was part of who he was. 

So when he went back to drill in January, I knew it was only a matter of time before he was talked back into jumping.  I had almost planned on this happening.  Sure enough he came back that weekend causally letting me know that he would be doing a water jump around Tampa, in April.  All I could do was crack a smile.  Sure I know he could have another accident.  Sure I know he has hurt himself to the point of becoming bionic in the bottom of his right leg in this sort of activity.  But Jacob isn't going to go and purposely hurt himself. 

This all goes along with his newest career of police officer.  I am not worried about his choice. It makes him happy.  He was meant to do this.  He will be well trained, and go out each day intending to return home that next evening.

His jump today was a water jump and he loved it.  There is a certain way he talks when he is so happy he can't contain himself.  His phone call tonight had that tone.  Jacob is complete again.  He is jumping, he has a full time career, and he is excited about the future.  One can't worry about him every day, when I know he is happy.  I don't worry about the here and now.  I work hard to fully prepare for the future, and then ride the ride of the now.

Either Way Your Children Will Always be Harder to Raise Than You Were

We made it half way.  This week makes the 20 week mark of a baby growing inside of me. 

Jacob and I (read this as me, and he has to go along with it) made the decision to not find out the gender.  But the ultrasound reassured me of some of fears. My lack of platelets did not screw up anything that we can find yet.  The heart and brain looked good.  Pat has two arms, two legs, one head, and the specific bones that the technician was looking for.  She reassured us that everything looked great.  Pat is in the 58th percentile for growth, and weighs almost 1 lb. 

Now, Pat is sitting very low.  Think in the triangle spot that the bottom of a bikini bathing suit covers.  That is where Pat is hanging out.  Its legs were all squished up, but Pat is moving and what I thought was Pat flopping around, was.  Pat did NOT like the technician trying to get pictures, and would not put its hands down for a nice profile picture.  After taking a break from picture taking, and the technician asking me politely  to jump up and down to get Pat to move, she finally looked at Jacob and I and said "Well this little baby is just going to be a stubborn one".  That was Jacob's cue to look at me, and say "And I wonder where it gets that from.."

True.   I have been known to be stubborn.  Outspoken.  Head strong.  But Jacob really likes to use the word stubborn.  As he made his statement a conversation my mom and I had came rushing back to me.  My mom flatly stated "Your children are always going to be worse than you were to raise.  And little girl...you were the hardest to raise".  My mom went on to explain that my stubborn, independent spirit made it harder to contain me.  And that started about age 2.  She said my teenage years were extremely difficult because of my head strong want and determination.  So great.....

Jacob really wants a girl.  He is the youngest of all brothers.  All of the cousins he was close to were boys.  The Larkins/Ashbys seem to kick out a good amount of boys.  But there is hope.  His older brother has a girl and a boy.  All I can say is Pat....dear Pat...if you are in fact a girl, your dad will be one of the most protective dads on the block.  I will do my best to help him understand girls needs, and desires, but he will be protective.  MY younger sister is a great example.  He met Trisha when she was 8 years old.  Trisha can do NO wrong in his eyes.  He will do almost anything for her, and will stick up for her in most of our fights.  He would be a great dad to a little girl.  All the gentleman callers just have to be ready for a papa bear....emphasis on the bear. 

I am more neutral on gender.  Being a classroom teacher I have seen all different versions of boys and girls.  They come in all sorts of varieties, tom boys, feminine boys, boy boys, girly girls, drama queens, drama kings.  I have had them all.  I know there are pros and cons to each gender.  I have a sister, and two step brothers that I have known since I was 14 years old.  I had a good deal of boy cousins, and a few girls thrown in there.  I, myself, we all know, am athletic and have always connected more with males than females. Girly girl stuff not so much for me.  

So baby Pat still stays a Pat for now.  The gender was found out by the technician, and it really bugged Jacob that someone knew and we didn't.  Everyone is happy to guess.  I am carrying low so that is a boy, the heartbeat is slower than 150 so it is a girl, I took an online quiz (yes...stupid I know) and that said it was a boy.  A lot of my kids think it is a girl, and a few kids from church told me it was a boy.  Hearing the guesses make it almost worth really not finding out. 

But the one wives tale I know to be true will be this child will push limits, and if it does have my stubborn traits, we might be in for a ride.  I wonder what a stubborn boy might be like.....hmm....

On a side note Pat was so angry at the camera is its face it was kicking around like crazy.  Jacob got to get his first feeling of Pat kicking!  That was worth the whole 45 minute ultrasound!! 

"I'm just pretending it isn't happening"

This title comes from Jacob this time.  Let me help put this into context.

I am making small progress every day with this idea of a baby inside of me.  I have officially picked out what will be nursery bedding, I guess.  Of course the only set I fell in love with was an online order only, so I finally broke down, and ordered a crib sheet.  I wanted to make sure I was really, really in LOVE with it before I went ahead with decorating the room around it. 

The crib sheet arrived, and in fact I was MORE in love with it when I saw it in person.  So Jacob and I came to the conclusion that this was the set.  With that decided we had to start thinking about colors for the room.  As I talked with my mom I made it clear that I could NOT screw up colors for this kid.  I can't even put an outfit together, so I was seriously rethinking my abilities to decorate a room.  But slowly I came around to wanting an orange (you have to remember we are doing everything neutral) wall, or walls.  A trip to Home Depot left us with a gallon of "Acorn" paint, and the dreams of getting this room painted before the last week in June. 

Then this week my mom, sister, and mom in law all worked together to get a baby shower date set.  We have a location, Trisha has come up with a theme, and now a date!  Then I was able to get my list of addresses and guest list sent up to MI.  I am proud of that.  It takes a lot more than one thinks.

I had a pile of "baby" stuff that had already been given to me.  I finally sat down and wrote out a list of things that should be returned to the owner after this is all said and done, and a list of thank you notes I needed to get out.  I just sat with all the items around me, and took it all in.  I sorted, and read a lot.  I really have no idea what any of this stuff is, so I had to read about exactly what I had. 

Then when Jacob came home from work I was ready and waiting for him.  I had all the pamphlets and papers siting out.  It was time to decide what prenatal classes were necessary, which could wait, and which ones we did not think we needed.  I had already picked my top three.  Well, we both picked the same three, so I got online and signed us up for childbirth class, baby essentials, and a hospital tour, all before August. 

When I had placed the last class into google calendar I looked over at Jacob and said "Well, I am making small gains everyday.  I am proud of myself." 

That is when he just looked at me with a scared look on his face, and said "I am glad you are the one doing this stuff now.  I'm just pretending it isn't happening."  That is when we both started to laugh.  We talked about how it has been nice that as one freaks out, the other remains calm. Then as the time comes for the other to freak out, the other one has come to terms with it, and can stay calm.  This has been one up and down journey.

--> On a side note I think I felt Pat kick, or move.  I had Simon, our middle cat, on my lap, and he was purring like crazy.  I felt this feeling like someone was swimming past me really quickly and I felt the water from that person inside me.  It happened so fast, one can not be 100% sure, but since no gas came out, and it didn't really hurt, I am like 80% sure that it was Pat. 

The race is not for the swift, but who really can take control of it

The title comes from (surprise) a Black Eyed Peas song Hey Mama.  I learned this lyric as a fact after my first triathlon.  I was so in my head, so worried about the clock, I forgot to enjoy the race.  I forgot to not let the race, race me. 

This song came on my Ipod this morning as I went out for a quick run.  I hadn't been able to run the past 4 days so I was happy to be on spring break, and woke up early to get out before my body told me I was too tired.  I was running a nice 1/4 of a mile steep incline as this lyric rang through my ears.  To say I have EVERY Black Eyed Peas song memorized is an understatement, but I love how the perfect lyric is placed in my head right as a need it.  Of course this lyric has multiple meanings, a HUGE reason I love the Black Eyed Peas, but the first thing that popped in my mind was my first triathlon.  So as I continued up the hill I just put my head down, and took control of my form, and slowed my speed. 

As I peaked the hill, I knew there were 2 more long hills coming up, one that is 3/4 of a mile incline.  If you are not familiar with Atlanta, we have TONS of hills.  Great for training, but still tough routes.  I took control of my thoughts, my pace, my form and reminded myself I am here to enjoy this.  If I stop enjoying running, then I will stop doing it.  I ended my run this morning with a great time, and felt refreshed. 

When I run, I let me mind wander as far as I can, while keeping my wits about me.  I normally write quite a few of these blogs out on solo runs.  So as I worked my way back home I thought about what needed to be said next.  The last blog brought a lot of comments.  I had taken a break from writing as I felt some people were not ready for the next one.  But here we are. 

My mom sent me a book called Surprise Child: Finding Hope in Unexpected Pregnancy by Leslie Leyland Fields.  My mom had almost prepped me for this books arrival as she wanted me to have an open mind, and she wanted me to know she was supporting me, not trying to make me think one way or the other.  This is a great, quick read.  It is a book split up by each month of the pregnancy and it is a compilation of different women who found themselves with an unexpected pregnancy.  It told their story through each month.  Each woman came from a different background.  Some teenagers, some not married, some married, some this was their 5th or 6th pregnancy, but what brought them all together was an unexpected pregnancy. 

I had two thoughts as I read through this book. 

1st: Well darn, there goes my book deal.  I had hopes of bringing out that small dream of eventually becoming an author, and thought this journey might be my selling point.  Only to find out Mrs. Fields beat me to it. 

2nd:  I am completely validated.  I swear this lady had a way to see into the future and took lines straight out of my past 2 months blogs.  There wasn't a topic I had struggled with that wasn't addressed in this book.  It was such a relief to know I am right on track.  She writes about the obvious weight gain "I know in one part of my brain that this extra (weight) is completely justified, that this bulge in my abdomen is a human being, but I am not ready to surrender my body to another" (pg. 57).  She writes this in month four.  I am right on track!   I could go on and on with the similarities.  I read the whole thing, and there was no big surprise at the end that most women end up loving their child more than their own life.  I say most, as some gave their babies up for adoption, and some had an abortion.  This book did not sugar coat anything, and brought me to tears more than once. 

But Fields writes in the Epilogue that this undying love may not happen right at first.  And these are all normal feelings too. There is a chance I won't "be awake" or I might be "too exhausted" to have those first bonding moments with Baby Pat.  As this fear of not having that connection immediately unsettles me, I am given some hope.  My mom (I hope this is cool that I write this) lost a lot of blood during my labor.  My labor was long and she struggled.  She has many stories of how I made her life miserable during pregnancy.  My mom lost so much blood she passed out during labor.   She did not get to see me for the first 24 hours.  It wasn't one of those perfect births that so many women dream of.  But my mom and I are extremely close.  We didn't get that immediate bond, and the bond is there stronger than ever.  Again so many of my fears are being addressed in a natural, truthful way. 

I guess you could say the bond is so strong that she knew I needed this book to help me work through so many emotions, fears, and what I consider inadequacies.  I will hold onto the book in hopes to be able to pass it on to someone who I can feel a connection with, and needs this book.  I really can't thank my mom enough!

So back to the Black Eyed Peas. 

The race is not for the swift
But who really can take control of it

So here I am.  Completely understanding that this "race" is not for the fast learners, the fast deciders, the quick movers, but for those that work through it all, and in the end take control of their thoughts, actions, and feelings.  I feel no guilt for what I have felt.  I mean there still might be that book deal out there waiting for me.