Really, I am not. I am a planner. In this I try to plan out every detail and at least be aware of what variables I am up against. So when an event finally happens I don't really worry about what is happening in the present because I have already visualized all the outcomes. Nothing can make me worry about what is in the now. I know this doesn't makes sense to a lot of people.
Being a planner is one of the reasons this pregnancy took me by surprise, and frankly has been hard to comprehend. I felt I needed at least 6 months of planning time to get pregnant before I ever would have considered trying to get pregnant. Because I had not thought out all of the outcomes, all of the variables, I was scared. I wouldn't say I was worried. My mind actually shut down for the first two months of this pregnancy. I was not prepared, therefore I could not even consider what this whole deal meant for the future. I didn't visualize my life with a baby, pregnant, and I had panic attacks (yes three failed attempts to go to the Baby section in Target, one which resulted in me leaving all of my other purchases in the aisle) when I forced myself to start to face reality.
I think it is in God's plan that we women have 10 actual months of being pregnant, and in that 10 months we have time to freak out, calm down, freak out again, calm down, start researching, freak out again, and then finally come to terms with this new change, right in time for week 39 to come around.
I have had many emotions. I have written about many of them, but I can't write each day what I am really feeling, and if you have been pregnant you know your thoughts on being pregnant change almost hourly. Last weekend Jacob and I had the goal of getting registered for baby Pat. Again, because of the planner inside of me I had done a lot of research, and created my own must have to survive the first 3 months of having a new born list. Jacob had already had a very successful trip (by this I mean he was completely calm, and didn't leave his purchases in the aisle) at Babies R Us. He said that was where he wanted to register for most of the items. So off we went.
I had my list, and Babies R Us, of course, had their own VERY EXTENSIVE list. We spent 4 and a half hours in that store. Now the time actually flew by. It was not torture until the last section, which had a wall of nipples that almost broke me, as I didn't know what any of it meant. But we successfully have registered for 85% of Pat's needs. I call that success!
Again, at this point I am not worried about having a newborn. I have major fears, and there are WAY too many variables to try and list on here. But can we do it. Sure. Jacob and I can do anything we put our minds to. We have been through a lot that has relied on our friendship, and relationship to pull us through, and inviting Pat into our lives will be no different.
On a semi-different note....Jacob jumped again today. I have talked a bit about how I know I am not a normal wife. I do not worry about Jacob when he puts his life on the line. Jacob was born to put his life on the line. It is hard to describe but I have always believed that everyone has a purpose on this Earth and when their time is up, even though it is sad and it leaves hurt and questions behind, their time is up. Jacob does not go into each day thinking about ways he could hurt himself. Instead he chooses careers that he is well trained in exactly the opposite. He was injured 3 times in Iraq. All 3 times he was acting in a brave, and valiant way. He was not hurt because he used his training, assessed the outcomes, and picked the less of the disastrous path. Because of this Army training he was able to think clearly what actions should be taken next, as our cruise ship tipped on its side. His training came in handy when they did an all call for any emergency responders to go to the top deck. Jacob didn't hesitate. He is well trained, and when the time calls he moves.
Now, yes. I know the variables and problems that are involved with jumping out of planes. But I tell you this, the Army is aware of the variables, and they have trained and practiced for all of those variables. Jacob's accident was just that. He never would have tried to hurt himself, especially not on a jump. The accident was a scary and trying time for both of us. But no one else was in that hospital room when the doctor came in and told Jacob he would not jump again. I could hear his heart break. He stayed strong, and will to this day never tell anyone how disappointed he really was. Being an Airborne soldier had complimented his life for 9 years. It was part of who he was.
So when he went back to drill in January, I knew it was only a matter of time before he was talked back into jumping. I had almost planned on this happening. Sure enough he came back that weekend causally letting me know that he would be doing a water jump around Tampa, in April. All I could do was crack a smile. Sure I know he could have another accident. Sure I know he has hurt himself to the point of becoming bionic in the bottom of his right leg in this sort of activity. But Jacob isn't going to go and purposely hurt himself.
This all goes along with his newest career of police officer. I am not worried about his choice. It makes him happy. He was meant to do this. He will be well trained, and go out each day intending to return home that next evening.
His jump today was a water jump and he loved it. There is a certain way he talks when he is so happy he can't contain himself. His phone call tonight had that tone. Jacob is complete again. He is jumping, he has a full time career, and he is excited about the future. One can't worry about him every day, when I know he is happy. I don't worry about the here and now. I work hard to fully prepare for the future, and then ride the ride of the now.
1 comment:
Amanda, you are amazing. I am in awe of your strength and resolve.
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