Re-entry

Whoa.  My last post was over 3 months ago.  

Jacob arrived home July 10th.  The official day is what we in the military call the homecoming.  What comes after is the re-entry phase.  

Re-entry.

He is to enter again back into civilian life. Enter back into the house.  Enter back into routines.  Go back to his career.  Return to regular life.  

It is what we look forward to, actually count down to, from the moment he leaves.  And then it really happens.  And you know what.  It is never easy. 

The 24 hours leading up to his homecoming was a rollercoaster.  Because we have children of the age that either have to go along with me to the airport, or we need to get them cared for.  We had to involve a few people who got to ride the rollercoaster with me.  He had to quarantine, darn COVID, but he quarantined away from Georgia so it was easy to feel like he was still overseas.  Then his out-processing started and the rush was on.  We went from him arriving after midnight one night, to him coming in at 11:30am the next morning in a matter of hours.  I was a case of butterflies driving to pick him up from the airport.  I've known him since I was 11 years old but the fear of if we still fit into each other's lives after 10 months apart was there somewhere.  

All fear disappeared after the first hug. The homecoming.  Once I sat down in the car with his bags in the trunk, and him next to me, I physically felt a weight lift off of me.  I didn't even know I was carrying around such a weight, but I felt it when it was gone.  

We were able to surprise the kids with the help of a few wonderful friends.  We went home to enjoy the rest of our homecoming.  We did a whole lot of nothing.  And it was wonderful.  

And the next day re-entry began.  That afternoon I found Jacob looking wide eyed at me as Cade and Ellee ran around the house in their normal fashion.  But he wasn't so used to "normal"  anymore.  Jacob had to force me out of the kitchen as just out of habit I was starting the dishes even though I had cooked.  He also had to deal with a super clingy wife, as I was so afraid if he left, even to run to the store, that feeling/the weight would return.  Jacob had to face the reality that Lola, our eldest dog, was very ill. He needed a car.  The lawn needed to be mowed.  The kids need a lot.  There is little down time, during daylight hours.  I had to remember to communicate again.  Like say things out loud, and discuss ideas and plans with another person.  We stepped on each others feet, and were constantly bumping into each other in the kitchen.  

We had lost our ability to seamlessly be in the same space.

But it came back.  Slowly, but it did come back.  We are over 3 months in now, and I think we are just getting our groove to a place where we are both getting what we need/want.   I stayed clingy for about 2 weeks and then I remembered how independent I really am.   This whole re-integration probably took a whole lot longer this time around as the world we are trying to gain our togetherness back in isn't normal.  We found our groove back with household duties. It has been such a relief to have someone to share the duties with.  We have been able to put back in place some of the best practices that worked for us before he left.  

Sometimes it seems like he never left.  But there are still reminders.  Ellee is still very clingy.  Cade asks about the next time daddy will have to leave.  Jacob went out one night this month and wasn't home for bedtime.  Both kids were a little put off, and asked how many nights daddy would be away.  

We won't pretend it is perfect yet.  But dang, having all four of us back in the house is way better than one year ago.  

Soon. Soon we Will be Together

I can finally make it official and say we are very close to the end of this deployment. We are 10 months in, and I can finally say we are looking at the end.

This has been one wild ride.  In one breath I can remember being at the airport and feeling Jacob's rough uniform in our last hug.  And in the next breath it seems like this has been the longest, most trying 10 months we have be through.

As we prepare for Jacob to return there is quite a bit we have to do. Not only do I have to make room for him in our bathroom again, buy some Jacob friendly food that hasn't been in the house for over 10 months, and replace all of the hangers I stole from his side of the closet, but we have some bigger challenges coming our way.

When Jacob left the life we were living was a quite a bit different.

Cade had just started 1st grade.  He was doing "ninja training", and he had just turned 7 years old.  When he gave his daddy his goodbye hug I would say Cade was still very selfish, wanting to play alone often, and not wanted to spend time with many others doing things they wanted to do.  Now he has a countdown to his 8th birthday, which is only 49 days away in case you wanted to ask him.  He had to stop ninja training, his coding classes (that he has just started), and his swim team very abruptly, and yet he kept a positive attitude through it all. He hasn't physically been in his elementary school since March 13th, and he is looking to start 2nd grade when he can go back.  He can now make his own breakfast, including eggs and bacon when there is an adult present.  His empathy for our pets has expanded far beyond my wildest dreams, and I truly think he can speak to Lola.  He is the best big brother as he goes out of his way to build Legos for his little sister, and chooses to play games, and do art that he knows she loves to do.

When Jacob carried Ellee the last time, she was getting used to being in PreK all day.  We were having to give her eye drops to support her weak eye, which was as much as a nightmare as you are thinking it would be.  She only liked to ride in the stroller for any walk we forced her on.  She still needed to be buckled into her car seat.  She cried through almost every shower we gave her.  In the time Jacob has been gone she missed her daddy more than anyone else.  For a long time I would walk out of her room after goodnight kisses and have to shed my own tears at her broken heart. She "graduated" from PreK, but I will take a little credit for that as I was her teacher for 3 months.  She gained enough confidence to now be riding a two-wheeler bike like she was born on it, and to push off the pool wall and swim almost the whole length of the pool in her first team practice.  She buckles herself in the car, and we haven't taken the stroller out in months.  She has three less teeth, and her ability to sense how other people are preserving a situation is on point.  She put much of her passion for loving on her daddy into our cat, Simon, who thankfully not only puts up being pampered and carried around, but I think actually likes the attention and cuddles.

These past few months threw it all at me.  I had to replace brakes/rotors on my car three separate times in less than 8 weeks.  I navigated through fixing a hot water heater, replacing our chimney and dealing with water damage.  The car also got a new battery (after it left me stranded), and a new alternator, that almost left us stranded.  I somehow saw myself through a pandemic while being back in a classroom position after being thrust into it 2 weeks after Jacob left.  My phone became a brick, then three weeks later the new one did the same thing.  I spent three months with no break from my kids.  The physical demands on me this deployment did not disappoint.

And since we are being honest here I have changed too.  I do think my demeanor is a little sadder than when Jacob left.  I have become used to the lonely nights.  I have put up quite a few more walls, as I had to. I had to keep my focus on providing all of the emotional and physical support to my kids.  In order to do that you put yourself on the backburner.  Physically and emotionally. I had to live with many days of not getting the things I wanted to accomplished; to not reach the goals I wanted to, sometimes not because of me, but because of the unpredictability that has become my way of life.  I have figured out how to do it all on my own.  Everything.

When Jacob comes home much of that will change.  I will have an adult in the house again.  Someone to help assist me with the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning, the trash.  An actual person to talk out loud to.  Someone to help carry my feelings, and work through different situations that will arise.

The coming home is sometimes just as difficult as the goodbye. Do I remember how to delegate?  Do I remember how to run evening plans by another person. Can I communicate efficiently?  Do I remember how to share my physical space, and the even bigger question is my emotional space?  I am at the point of the hoping he comes home soon but second guessing if we can live together after spending so much time apart.  Will it be like second nature? Will it take some work?  A lot of work? We have both lived the past 10 months.  Just apart.  Experiencing totally different things.  Can we just come back together?

The biggest thing I took from this deployment was a reminder I am so much stronger than I often give myself credit for.  I woke up everyday with a purpose of making sure my kids felt loved.  I can go into this homecoming feeling like not only did I accomplish that but I never missed a trash day.  I changed the bed sheets on time.  We always had groceries.  I found solace in the quiet.  I kept the household intact.  And the kids came out all right from this adventure.  Jacob and I love adventure and, sometimes the adrenaline excites us.  Maybe that is why we stay in a military marriage.  It is finally time for us to move to the next adventure, and this time we get to be together.

Soon.  Soon we will be together.

300 Days

We have almost reached the 300th day of deployment.  We weren't suppose to see 300 days.  But here we are.  The end has to be close.

At the start of June I knew I was mentally wearing very thin.

And at that point I decided to extend my quarantine "team" to include my sister and her family.  We had planned a trip to Michigan back in the fall when we were invited to a close friend's wedding, but as with most things as of late the wedding was canceled for the June date. I waived back and forth if I should still make the trip.  I considered all options.

You see, Jacob was originally suppose to fly in while we were in MI and surprise everyone.  Going there would mean I really would feel the weight of the fact Jacob wasn't home when we all thought he would be.  I wasn't so sure I wanted to face that reality.

But I had become so lonely.  Sure I had Cade and Ellee, but besides the driveway and front porch chats I hadn't really been around many other adult people.  I mean the masked people at the store aren't really having friendly conversations right now.  I was trying to keep myself healthy.  Keep the kids healthy.  And being a control freak, I found it was just easier to control my own household.  So that is what I had done that for 3 months.

I looked into flying up to Michigan, but ultimately decided I would drive the whole way there and back in one day.  I extended the trip for at least 2 weeks, I thought why not?!  And then we did it.

The trip was exactly what I needed!  I didn't realize how lonely I really had become.  Having my sister available to chat at breakfast, throughout the day, and after the kids went to bed was something I really had missed.  Cade and Ellee did wonderful on the road trip.  I love how much they love traveling, no matter the mode of transportation.  The interactions with their cousins were exactly what they needed too.  This whole shelter in place thing has really done a number on so many of us.  Michigan weather treated us perfectly so we were able to catch up with others in outside areas.  We were outside, almost all day, every day of our vacation.  It was amazing.

And now we are back.  Lola dog survives yet another day.  Simon (our sole cat now) apparently loved having the whole house to himself.  And Lucie (our youngest pet 😲) just turned 12 years old.

A lot has changed in 300 days.  If the end of this deployment is near, then I am set to deal with a new set of emotions.  Reintegrating Jacob into our lives is a little scary.  It seems foreign.  We moved on through life, and he remembers what it was like back in August.  The communication this time has been better than we have had for previous deployments.  And yet things here at home are different now, and a quick text to try and explain it all doesn't seem like it would be the same.

Coming back home was difficult because I had fully intended to have Jacob with me.  But we will see 300 days.  300 days of being apart.  300 days of the kids not being able to touch their daddy. 300 days of trying to be stronger than I feel.

 But I am really glad we made the trip.

Teacher Tired

I came across a sticky note that was placed in my planner for this week.  On it I remind myself to allow a week of rest after the school year ends.

See, the first thing I want to do for summer is get started on the to-do list of things I couldn't accomplish during the school year, and get to making amazing memories with the kids, as I always feel like a "less than" mom during the school year.  And in true Amanda fashion I want to get started right away.  The last couple of years I noticed a trend at the end of the school year.  I have this unrealistic plan of all the amazing things I will do (think of how you thought your new life of working from home would be like during the first few weeks of COVID 😆), and I am very hard on myself if I do not live up to my self imposed expectations. Every year I would degrade myself for not waking up early enough, not working out enough, not getting enough done throughout the day, and pretty much anything else I could find fault with for the first week of summer. 

So a few years ago I wrote this sticky note.  Every new planner I get I place it in the first week of summer break, and then just like what happened this week, I stumble upon it, smile, and remind myself I have 7 weeks of summer.  I can leave the to-do list for a week.  I need to be kind to myself.

Now the whole reason I feel like I need this sticky note is because of what I call "teacher tired".  I feel like many reading this today might have a better understanding of what this is since many had to put on a teacher hat the last couple of weeks.  Teacher tired is making a thousand on the spot decisions daily.  Keeping my mind busy with lesson plans. lesson materials, who is buying lunch today, what time is it, how much longer do I have to teach this standard, why isn't _____ getting this lesson, oh ______ is riding the bus today,  did I take attendance today,  _____ said that strange thing in the hallway I better follow up and figure out what they mean, and the list goes on and on.  So once I finalize all the paperwork, submit all my grades, write my last thank you note, clean/organize/pack my classroom up, and close my work computer, my mind kind of goes blank for a while.  My mind needs a little time to figure out what life is like when it isn't going a million miles a minute.  My mind literally needs to adjust to the mental relaxation of what is summer.  And so for about a week after school ends my mind refuses to make decisions.  Even small decisions.  It just shuts down.  Hence, my little note as a reminder to be kind to myself for a week.

So when I found this note last week, I laughed a little.  I thought, well I won't need that.  I've been teaching from my basement for the last 10 weeks (9 weeks of instruction).  I can't imagine my mind is acting like it would be if I were in the physical classroom.  I don't need to recover from teacher tired this year.

And boy was I wrong.  I said goodbye to my class, in a Google Meet, on Thursday.  It was the strangest end of the year I have ever had.  Nothing felt finished.  Nothing felt different than what we had been doing for weeks prior.  And yet it was the end.  No more lesson plans, no more 7am parent emails with a daily outline. No more typing up explicit directions on how to complete every assignment.  Although I only have Jacob's desk to clean this year, the thought of my physical classroom stuck with March 13 still written on the board, frozen in time, and needing to be packed up and moved (yup, I get to move again 😀) brings much anxiety barreling down.  And then it is all the end of the year items I have to get checked off, but everything is digitized, so it is the same yet different.

We have one more teacher workday, today, and as I check things off my end of the school year list I can feel myself relaxing a little bit.  Although I wasn't physically in the class with my students my mind was still in teacher mode.  Constant thoughts about ____ didn't turn in that assignment I better check in with them,  _____ said they couldn't log in I better see if they got in,  how in the world do I explain how to do this part of the assignment, do I have that worksheet in a way I can do it though Google Meet, I guess I could take that lesson and recreate it to be digital, oh how does this program work and can I make it work for my class, ______ parents lost their jobs I better check in and see how we can help, oh  ___ wanted a one-on-one lesson I better set that up, I better check with my co-teacher on that, and all the like.  We have to submit our grades, fill out check lists, work on next years teacher assignments, and it wouldn't be the end of the year without a few teacher meetings.

This school year was so different. But not so different than I can ignore that sticky note.  Maybe the note is more important this year than any other year.  So after today I will give myself a week of positive vibes.  Even if the to-do doesn't get done.  Even when I sleep in, and then take an afternoon nap.  Teacher tired is real to me, and I just finished being a teacher for this school year.  Even if this year didn't feel like a normal one.

Not the Run I Want

It all started with a very selfish desire.  I just wanted to run outside.  Like a 10min mile pace, out in the sunshine, no stopping.  Just a run outside.

I put together a plan.  Cade is pretty good at riding his bike on his own. I've even got to the point where I trust him crossing some of the roads around the neighborhood.  When we started this shelter in place/ safer at home/ quarantine I was still pushing Ellee in the single stroller.  I can walk pretty quickly with the single, and Cade is fast on his bike so we are doing the neighborhood routes at a decent pace.  But walking isn't running to me.   I just wanted to run outside.

While texting with my mom and sister about our nightly walk, my mom said "Well you could run if they both were riding their bike".  And that is when the plan set in my mind.  Yes, if they were both biking I could run behind.  I could run outside.

So I convinced Ellee to go out on our walks with her balance bike after trying to convince her to get on the two wheeler came to a complete stand still.  And I mean literally. She had dropped the bike on the side of the road, and refused to move.  For 15 minutes.  Then she walked it home the entire way.

Well the balance bike was going okay except for our hills. And we have a lot of them.  In every direction out of our neighborhood.  She would fly down them, but she can only stop by dragging her feet, which she put holes in the toes of her shoes 2 weeks into my plan. And then the uphills, which she couldn't pedal up, as she had no pedals, she would stop, mope for a while, then walk very slowly up the hills.  I tried running past her one day in hopes it would motivate her but it did the opposite and she started crying about how "mommy always has to be the slowest" and then wouldn't move for another 10 minutes.  Mind you when she throws the bike down we are always at least a mile away from home.

Then came the water requests.  The heat has been turned up down here, so I felt a little mean saying no to a request for water, so I started carrying a water bottle in my waist pack.  Yes, I literally became a walking camel just so we could get through a 2-3 mile after dinner walk/bike ride.

The holes in the shoes were the final push for Ellee to feel like she was ready for the pedal bike.  We took many of our evening walks helping her self start, self brake, and training her when to brake so she wouldn't go across any roads without me close to her.  I thought we were finally there.

I dressed as if I would have for an after school run.  I was ready, and felt confident that the previous 9 weeks had prepared us for this.  I would be able to run outside!

And then it happened!  We went out on our walk.  They both did so wonderfully!  They went up ahead of me, allowing me to run at a consistent pace, Ellee waited for me at every road crossing, and she was able to get up and down all of the hills.  It was glorious.

STOP.

Just kidding.

That isn't what happened at all.

I dressed as if I would have for an after school run.  To get out of our neighborhood you have to go down a decent sized hill, and then up a pretty steep one.  Three houses away from our house Ellee refused to go down the same hill she had gone down many times before.  So I hunched over and held on to the back of her bike to keep her slow down the hill.  She walked her bike, very slowly, up the hill.  Then we started out on a route that she knows well, and I felt confident I would be able to get a little distance in before she would need me.  I started to jog.   Ellee was less than 1/10th of a mile ahead of me and she came to a complete stop.  She wanted water (which I was carrying).  I should have just known that this wasn't going to work.  But I continued to be optimistic.  But this run was not at all what I wanted.  It was full of fast, complete stops for no apparent reason.  Me hunched over behind her bike helping her up a hill, or slowing her down.  Many, many stops for water.  I felt my patience leaving me quickly when I looked down at my watch and not even at the 1 mile mark and it had taken us 30 minutes.  I could feel my frustration bubbling up in my throat.  As I saw Ellee stopped in the middle of the sidewalk giving me the "thirsty" signal. Again.   All I wanted to do was run outside.  I was clenching my jaw so hard when I met up with her.  I felt so defeated inside.

And she just smiled at me this big smile and asked "mommy aren't you so proud of me riding my bike?!"

I won't say all my anger went away in that moment, but it lessened the blow.  I let the disappointment wash over me.   I wasn't going to get a run outside.  But I would get a walk outside with my kids who loved the normalcy of it this one act.   A run outside just isn't in the cards right now.

When I type that out it is still very hard to swallow.  It is just another reminder that this isn't normal.  This isn't easy.  This isn't where I want to be right now.  But it is where we are.  This is our reach for normal.  And although it isn't easy it could be a heck of a lot harder.

So right now, I am not in the run I want.

This is a Hot Mess

My sister, Trisha, called the other day.  While chatting she asked me if I knew Ellee had sent her a video message.  Now the reason that it could even be a possibility that I was unaware my 5-year-old sent a video message to her aunt is because she, yes my 5 year old, has a Facebook Messenger (it's the kid version it's not out of control around here yet) account. As I burst out loud in laughter my answer was "No, I had no idea she messaged you".  Ha!  So this is what shelter in place, social distancing, online teaching 24 third graders, while homeschooling a 1st grader and PreKer, all while the partner is away looks like.

My sister went on to tell me why this message stuck out to her.  While Ellee was clearly in the basement, which is our "school room", she was telling Trisha a story and it was pretty in depth but there were many reason why Trisha couldn't follow the story.  First, Ellee isn't that great at telling a story in any order that makes sense even on a good day. Ellee was also using some of the "funny" backgrounds and voice changing add-ons within messenger. But Trisha also struggled because she heard Cade's teacher in the background teaching in Spanish, and all at the same time a little further away she heard me having a video conference with a student.  Yup.  That sounds just about right.

When Trisha got to end of the story I was both laughing at the craziness of what she got a small window into, and I was also shaking my head in disbelief as I was witnessing what my life looks/sounds like to someone on the outside right now.

And that is where I am.  Where I think most of us are.  We are doing the best we can with what we've got.

Some days I get everything checked off my to-do list.  Some days I feel fantastic about a lesson I got to teach, or a light bulb moment I had with one of my students.  Some days I get to hear Cade speak Spanish and my heart swells.  Some days Ellee does her independent work, actually independent. Some days a homemade dinner is on the table right at 5pm.

Other days the to-do list overwhelms me and I physically cover the list up with all the things I need to do.  Other days the power surges in the middle of my "live" lesson and I lose my internet connection, or I get totally frustrated that I can't call a student over to my desk so I can correct the regrouping mistake they made.  Other days Cade won't sit up to complete his writing, and it takes 500 times longer than it should.  Other days Ellee refuses to pick up a pencil, or even open her eyes to look at her work. Other days I wait for dinner to be delivered to the front porch from the couch which is where I was sitting when I ordered it from my phone.

We have been at this for 6 weeks.  March 13th was the last time I was away from my kids.  I'll repeat that.  I haven't been any. where. for. any. amount. of. time without my kids since March 13th.  I am the momma who knew she would continue working outside of the house for her own mental health.  And yet, here is where I find myself.  I haven't run since March 11th. Running which gives me clarity to move through each day when it gets hard has been stripped away.   What we are going through right now is possibly the hardest thing I have mentally gone through.  And as a small reminder I've done chemo, deployments, and run multiple marathons.  Many have told me I am so strong. Well I am here to say I struggle everyday.

But I can see good moments too. I have the best understanding of where my real kids are academically than I ever have.  My kids are behaving really well for the most part because they feel loved, cared for, and they get a ton of time with their mommy.  I spend every lunch break outside that I can.  I visit with Lola for cuddles throughout the day.  We take daily walks after dinner.

This is tough.  Stay strong.  I feel like a hot mess.  In all honesty I am a hot mess.  But I believe we are all doing the best we can and that there is something beautiful in that. You are doing a great job!  And I am doing a great job. 

Week 3 of "social distancing"

Week 3 of "social distancing"

Last week allowed me to get in enough of a groove that when we were given the news that Georgia public schools will remain closed through April 24, I wasn't a complete utter mess.  I will also put out there I am doing a really good job of shoving most of my emotions down pretty deep so I can continue moving in a forward motion.

In my professional world I am in a "good" place.  I am calling it good as in I feel like I have a handle on writing Google Classroom directions, which have to be so detailed they can be executed by an 8 year old substitute who has never substituted before.  And believe it or not some days I still don't give enough details.  But I think I have figured out how to structure each day so my students don't have too much independent practice, or too much "live" Google Meet sessions, which is where I deliver our new content, or too much busy work which I know I could never find the time to actually grade.  I have found a sweet spot I think.  I am just now starting to get to giving feedback on turned in assignments which is honestly what I have found I miss the most.  Now that we have been digital learning for a couple weeks I am realizing I think my favorite part of teaching is supporting the students to get to be independent, then allowing them to be independent, and then giving the real time feedback.  It is at that point in the teaching game I think the students grow.  They see their hard work pay off, they see where they made mistakes, and they can change and hopefully learn for the next time they get to do it on their own. That feedback part is so hard to make happen in this "digital learning" setting.  But I am working on it, and I guess even a little bit of feedback is better than no feedback. 

My heart truly feels so great when we are all "meeting" together.  "Seeing" them is a great part of my day.  We are learning so much more about each other's home lives. I get to "see" siblings, parents, homes, living rooms, offices, bedrooms, pets, and have heard many "talking to" when the mic wasn't on mute.  On the other side my students know what my basement looks like in my house, my cat Simon shows up for most meetings wrapping himself around my neck, they know what my dog Lola's bark sounds like, and they actually ask where Cade and Ellee are if they haven't made an appearance.  It is a whole new way of a get-to-know-you.

In my personal life it all seems a little more bleak.  We have just had a string of bad news.  It is hard finding something to look forward to, and when you are in a deployment looking forward to something is one of the big ways of coping.  We just last minute canceled our spring break trip to Florida. I kept holding out hope that there would be a wide spread test, that it would get better, that something big would happen and we would all be let out of "shelter and place".  I kept dragging my feet, not wanting to face the decision, so Jacob made the decision for us.  It was a no go for a lot of reasons.  I just couldn't make myself make the hard decision.  But it has been made.  We will stay in Atlanta for spring break. 

Speaking of Jacob, not so great news came from that front too.  I am sure you can all put together the sentences that I can't type in this space as you see the headlines of travel bans and quarantines.  My heart has broken a few separate time this past week.

And my real kids.  It is so hard always saying No.  Most know in real life I am not the "no" mom. Most of the time (except for eating  too much sugars and screen time) I am all for trying to make happen what my kids come up with.  I have found myself saying No so much in the last two weeks.  And it is so hard.  No, you can't go outside when _____ is out.  No, you can ask ___ over to the house.  No, we can't paint right now, I have to teach class.  No, we can't go to Florida.  No, daddy won't be home then.  No, we can't go to the park.  No. No. No.

But you know what.  I've got some really awesome kids.  They are taking this all in stride.  I should honestly be taking lessons.  With every no Cade tries to understand the reason why, and he always comes up with, well when the Corona is gone we can do it.  And he is right.  When this is all done and over we will be able to get back to life as we knew it.  And I sure hope daddy will get to join us at some point too.

And to end this post... what about that Tiger King?!?!

Three Augusts

In my world I look at a calendar year and know I have a whole bunch of months and then I have  August.  August gets its own category for me. August is the start of school, and as an elementary teacher my evenings are long, my days exhaust me, and my weekends are filled with paper work, color coding, and writing my students names a million times for the month of August.  Once Labor Day hits I normally have most things under control, I am back to just the regular expectations for teachers, and I can fall into more of a balance that includes self care and family time.  August is the month that I know I will be consumed by work and I allow the balance to get heavy on the work side because I know it is only August. 

When we found out Jacob was being deployed and dates were being thrown out, we were so thankful he would be here to support me through August.  I knew if he was here for August I could gather all my strength, push through, and set myself up for a school year with him being gone.  And that is what we did.  After August #1 he left  and I felt secure with a set up classroom (I had just moved classrooms again), a schedule that I could lesson plan for, and I knew the job as this was my 4th year in the ESOL position.  The day he left for deployment I knew work would take a back burner to my family needs and I was ready.

Five days after Jacob left I was asked to take over a 3rd grade homeroom position.  There were many reasons why this decision weighed very heavily on me, and honestly I didn't like the situation that arose for me to have to be asked.  But I knew what the answer should be.  I knew what would be best for the students.  I was placed as a 3rd grade homeroom teacher on a Friday, and expected to begin teaching two days later on that Monday. 

I found myself in August #2.  I had to move my classroom.  I had to learn a new schedule.  I had to write the students names 100 times.  I had to learn new routines.  I found myself right back in that "month of August", except it wasn't August.  I stopped running.  I picked the kids up way too late.  I found myself waking early, and going to sleep way to late just to try and get it all in.  And this "August" I was alone.  No one at home to help. 

Of course things got easier.  I have a fabulous 3rd grade team, and a co-teacher I am positive I couldn't have done this year without.   And I was able to find my balance again.  I was able to get some runs in after school, I started sleeping more than a couple hours a night, and my time with my real kids on the weekend went back to being kid centered. 

Now enter this past week.  I found myself in August #3 for this school year.  I had to move my "classroom" to my basement.  I had to come up with a totally new schedule.  My school and students had multiple needs, and I was in triage mode.  But as we have already established Jacob is still gone, and my "real" kids were also in triage mode.  They were also ripped out of their routine, and were now getting their education from their mom in the basement.  I floundered.  I cried multiple nights.  I stayed up way too late, and got up early in the morning just to do more work.  I had to work on "classroom expectations" with Cade and Ellee, while teaching "online expectations" to my students through different modes of streaming.   I was creating a whole new set of  "online" curriculum while also learning pre-k and 1st grade standards. I was making sure we spent part of our day in Spanish.  I had to learn all my school's new online programs, while also learning my son and daughters online programs.  Oh, and someone has to do the laundry, cook the meals, and make sure the animals are kept alive.  This past week I felt like everything took a backseat to my work for the third time this year.

Now, we are a week into this "new normal".  I think I have found a happy balance of office hours, online real time teaching, online learning for Cade and Ellee, and me one on one instructing them  in our make-shift home school.  And if all goes as planned next week I will be back to just being "mom" at 4pm everyday.  My third grade team and set of administrators have made it possible for me to feel okay going into week 2 instead of this unbalance dragging on for a few more weeks.  My class and their parents have been so filled with grace and kindness as we all are finding our way through digital learning. 

On kind of a side note I am in awe of the teaching profession.  What we went through as a profession in the last week (at least here in Georgia it all went down last week) is something I hope to never have to go through again, yet I feel so proud to be a teacher.  Our profession was shoved in a corner, given no extra resources, given high expectations, and honestly a list of must dos that were unheard of in our profession anytime before.  And yet, I personally know so many who never complained, put our problem solving minds on and solved all of the problems.  We are a week into this and I know I (or my co-teacher, who we are in contact all day long) have been in contact with every student in our class, we have figured out technology needs for specific students, have taught an entire week of curriculum, and "met" with our class twice last week.  We have reassured students through messages, phone calls, video chats, and comments on a classroom platform.  We have held our heads high, and come out stronger as a profession than anytime in my 13 years of teaching.  Way to go teachers.  I know we have always known our worth but I think others are starting to take note.  I have always been proud to be a teacher, but this past week has shown me exactly why I have always felt this way. 

This school year will be one I will look back on and probably wonder how I made it through, but also I hope it will serve as an inspiration in the way of me thinking "well you made it through the 2019-20 school year, you can do anything" kind of way.  But dang. This school year has been so full of "Augusts". 

Well, That was Strange

Today was strange.

So strange I am having trouble putting it in words. 

At 4:30pm yesterday I was notified our school district would be closing for 2 weeks, with the possibility of being closed for longer.  By 7:30 my phone was buzzing at a constant rate between emails, and text messages.  This continued well into the night. 

To say this took most of us by surprise is an understatement. Sure we had been asked to load three lesson plans for "digital learning days"  into our Google Classroom, but we never thought our time was really running so short. 

I hardly slept last night.  I was suppose to have a substitute today, scheduled months ago, to take Cade and Ellee to a multiple doctor appointments.  I scrambled to come up with a plan.  How would I prepare my students while being gone?  Although I tried to come up with a million different plans, ultimately it came down to I would cancel the doctor appointments and be with my students. 

By the time I headed to school I had more questions than I had answers, and I had a to - do list that overwhelmed me.  But as we always do, I put a brave face on walked through to door of my classroom.

The energy was high between the teachers.  We lingered more in the hallways, texted a lot more, and ran our copy machines more than I have ever seen, all the while calming our students.  By 10am I had over 20 emails with directions from other teachers and my district.  Everyone scrambling to get 100% online learning in place in an 8 hour day.  It was a mad dash every second I was at school.

I spent most of my day hugging my kids.  Reassuring them we will see each other again.  I stressed. We practiced how to log in to our online platforms.  I learned how to clock in from home.  I asked a lot of questions.  I stressed.  I answered many questions.  And most of the time my answer was "I am just not sure".  I stressed a little more.  Then I handed out material to cover the next 6 weeks.  I gave them all hugs as they walked out the door with their over loaded book bags. 

And then they were gone. 

Then the really strange feeling hit me.  I was packing up my classroom to take it home.  What would I need to teach all of my curriculum from my basement?  I was walking out of my classroom, being told not to count on the ability to get back in to the school, and no time table of returning. This became the strangest feeling I have ever had. 

As I walked out of my building, for who knows how long, I asked a co-worked to snap a picture for me to send to my mom and sister.  I sent the picture with the following text "Today was by far one of the strangest days I've been through.  Leaving school today is one of the strangest feeling.  I am packed and ready to teach for up to 6 weeks online, and I guess this is what it looks like." 

So, until who knows I will be teaching 3rd grade from the basement, while being a homeschool teacher to a PreK and 1st grader (who spends 1/2 his day in Spanish).  Never in my wildest dreams would I have come up with this scenario. 

Stay well all.  And I am sure the strange feeling will wear off eventually. 

How I am Doing IT

Day 183

Once we have sured up that Jacob is still gone, they check in with how we are doing, then they say "I don't know how you are doing IT."  I have a fleeting moment where I think, I should laugh it off, and maybe even have a response like " I don't know either".  But in all honesty...

I know how I am doing it.

I know all of the hours of prep work that went into this deployment flowing well.  I know how much thought and energy went into thinking of the many scenarios of the what-if's and creating a clear path of simplicity (or at least how simple we could make it).

First off I know every family is different but I have taken most of these ideas from other families and changed things just enough to work for our family.  Maybe something that is working over here might help someone else.

Second, my personality is a to-do list lover, color coded calendar fanatic, and I naturally lean on the minimalist/organized side.  Although in life situations such as this all of these traits help, remember there are I-am-ruining-my-kids-futures moments on the regular, and being so type A is very hard with the abundant negative inner thoughts that carve their way through my mind daily.  There are always pros and cons to how everyone is wired, and finding a balance (even though I hate that word and don't believe there is a true balance in life) that you can go to bed feeling good is what my goal is everyday.

One of the big things I think assisted with the transition to deployment was that we have always done the same routine with the kids if it is mommy who is home, or daddy is home, both of us or even sitter.  We try to keep the routine the same no matter who is here.  So when all of a sudden one day daddy is gone, for a long time, nothing really changes in our everyday routine.

First, the day starts the night before.  Lunches are packed and in the fridge.  Dishes are out of the sink and in the dishwasher.  Showers are done the night before.  Right now we are not picking out kid clothes the night before but we have done that, however, my outfits are picked out the night before.  Kids' and mommy's backpack/purse/workout clothes are packed and set up on the table ready to be grabbed on the way out of the door.

I am a strong believer of waking before the kids.  And my kids wake early.  School days my alarm goes off at 4:30a, so I have plenty of quiet time to workout, read, pray, watch the news (if I am watching it), or fold laundry all before the kids wake up.  I do not have time to do all of those things everyday but more of combination of some things I know I enjoy starting my day with.  I even wake before the kids on the weekends, as I find it helps me center myself and have a few clear thoughts before I am bombarded with kid jabber.

We have a morning routine.  M-F is the same routine every day.  Wake at the same time, move through the same motions. It takes the kids 30 mins from the time they wake, to complete their morning tasks, and be in the car.  Saturday mornings have their own routine, and then Sunday has its own.  If there is going to be a change, it is discussed the night before.

Our evenings are very similar and follow a consistent nighttime routine, but depending on outside events the order may change.  But for the most part as soon as we get home it is homework time, while I cook dinner.  We eat as close to 5:30 as possible.  That leaves time afterwards for a little play time.  Kids in the shower at 6:30, and if they have earned cartoons they get 20 mins of cartoons from 6:50(ish) to 7:10.  Then it is reading in bed, and lights out by 7:30p.  That leaves me a little time to get some school work done, get the kitchen cleaned up, and pack everything for the next day.  My goal every night is to be in bed by 9p.

I am a planner, and I have plans set up by month, week, and day.  I revisit the plan for the month at the start of each month by creating a large calendar in the kitchen.  When Jacob is here it helps us stay on track with what is going at a quick glance, and we plan our meals by the month, which help us make weekly grocery lists.  We use Google Calendar and everyone is color coded.  This is very helpful when Jacob is here as I can see what he has planned and he can see what I am doing.  It is also helpful for me as I can put in events months in advance and not have to try and remember them all.  I have a child care plan for the whole month done at the start of the month.  Every weekend I do a look over the next week.  It is at this point I put in the unplanned events in the calendar to make it fit; like workouts, library visits, school projects or special days, stores we have to get to, etc.  Every night after the kids are in bed I run through what needs to be done the next day.  If there is something out of the ordinary, I write a sticky note with what needs to be done and I stick it on my car audio display, so I can't miss it.

And the last thing that I think that allows things to run as smoothly as possible is everything has a time for it to be done.  And, to clear my brain of keeping those tasks, I have a reminder that goes off on my phone so I don't have to spend any extra energy  trying to keep it all straight.  Laundry - Wednesday and Saturday.  Trash - Monday, Wednesday, Saturday.  Groceries - Saturday. Change sheets and towels, refill medication, upload pictures, switch the air filter, setting different alarms, etc.  Everything that needs to be done, has a time, and I have a way to remember it.  One of my podcasts says: something that can be done at any time is often done at no time.  I use the app Due.  I went through a lot of apps before I landed on this one . It has been worth whatever small amount I paid for it.

I am no superwoman.  Any of us in this situation would be able to do IT.  But I will say to do IT with a smile, feel successful, and have pretty happy kids,  IT does take a lot of "doing".   I am not doing anything other families have not had to do, but I will admit, most days I feel like I am doing IT pretty well!

He is Still Gone

"Is Jacob still gone?"  This is the question that seems to be asked the most lately.  And the answer.  Yes. Yup.  Mmmm hmmm.  

And then it is followed up with "How are you doing?'

The answer to this is quite complicated.  Kinda a loaded question.  And honestly it changes daily.  But overall, we are here.  We are doing what needs to be done.  Days are passing.  And I am keeping the kids alive.  

A couple of days ago Cade went into secretive mode, and wouldn't let me over in his area of the dinning room table.  He is terrible at keeping secrets, so he told his sister what he was up to, and in turn cried his eyes out when he watched her run over to me be and whisper in my ear.  Honestly she told me exactly what he was doing, down to the detail, but I told him she hadn't told, and there are only a couple tear marks on the final product.  And what was the final product?  After about 15 minutes he invited me into my bedroom and across from where I sleep, added to the already quite filled "art gallery" space on the wall was a new drawing.  He proudly went on to tell me this picture was of mommy, daddy, Ellee, and Cade all flying in the airplane to Colorado.  And the plane is flying in front of the mountains we will see when we are there.  I wish I had taken a video of his huge smile.  He goes on to tell me he put it right here so when I wake up I see the picture and remember we will all be together in a while.  Ellee and I gushed over it, and as we walked out of the bedroom under Cade's breath I hear him sigh " I can't wait for daddy to be home".  See, this is his way of dealing.  Cade has been able to rationalize that daddy will come back.  And he has been able to comprehend that this has been a long time, and will be a lot longer.  But every couple of days I will hear him almost wish into the empty air that daddy was home.  His voice is always a little sad as the words come out.  Sometimes I address it with statements of I agree, or we talk about all the things we can't wait for daddy to see, or do when he gets back. Sometimes I just let it go off into the wind, as I am not sure what the response should be at that moment. 

Ellee on the other hand has had more difficulty this time around.  We knew that would probably be the case.  Be it her age of not really being able to comprehend the abstract of time, and yet also being able to comprehend daddy isn't here and it has been a long time.  She finds herself in this place of confusion, sometimes anger, and as her emotions normally are expressed sadness.  She will cry in the shower and tell me she just wants daddy.  After rather large outbursts of anger she will ask when daddy will be here.  And the most gut wrenching show of emotion is something she started early on in this deployment.  When she is talking to Jacob on video chat, she will tell daddy she wishes he could really kiss her, but she knows he can't.  Then when they say goodbye she puts her lips to the phone and really kisses daddy, then turns her cheek, places the phone against her skin and waits for Jacob to make the kissy noise, so she is "kissed" by daddy.  She gets the biggest grin on her face.  I am so thankful for the technology that we have, and that the kids get to "see" daddy almost once a week.  

And me.  Well I find myself just going through the motions.  We stay busy with a lot on our plates be it work, after school activities, play dates, housework, homework, laundry, grocery shopping, keeping the animals alive, and the like.  But in the quiet, still places in life I find myself feeling lonely.  It is the kind of lonely that I could be in a room full of people, and we are all having a great time, but deep down there is still something missing.  A kind of lonely that no matter how many phone calls, play dates, work functions, or dinners with friends this feeling could never be filled.  I am emotionally drained most days.  I am in a career that is known to tax you emotionally, plus the added emotional toll of caring for two young kids 'alone', plus trying to stay connected to my best friend.  My best friend who hasn't died, and yet the distance between us is tugging us in two different directions.  We have made it to the point in this deployment where it has been a long time, Jacob is still gone, and yet the time left seems almost over whelming.  And yet, everyday we are closer to this being over.  We are closer to Ellee getting real kisses, and Cade having his daddy home.  For me having that presence back in my life that is slipping away even though I am trying to hold on to it.  

So yes, Jacob is still gone. 

Middle East Events

First I want to start this post with a huge thank you.  Thank you all who reached out in person, through messages, phone calls, and  over text this past week.  We will always take as many thoughts and prayers we can get.  And last week we really needed them.

Of course I can not go into details but the events in the Middle East last week put my mindset right back into the first deployment.  Last weekend I went right back to how I lived my life 15 years ago, or at least the best I could.  I couldn't let my mind wander to the "what-ifs".  In order to put up my own mental wall last weekend I unfollowed all news related media accounts, along with people who post media reports.  I decided I would take up reading at night after the kids were in bed when I normally would un-wind by watching the news.  I got my weather from the weather app, and found my evenings a lot quieter.

When I received multiple calls on Tuesday I knew something had happened.  But none of those calls were from Jacob himself, or the Red Cross.  I was right back into my tunnel vision.  If I didn't hear from Jacob or the Red Cross, I didn't want to know.  Or at least that is what I kept telling myself.  But as the evening wore on it was harder and harder to stay "in the dark".

Tuesday evening I became curious.  I turned on a news channel and I spent hours crying.  Crying for the events. Crying for the soldiers.  Crying for the families stateside.  Crying for the officials making decisions.  Crying for unanswered questions lingering in the back of my mind.  I finally forced myself to turn off the tv. But I knew the damage had been done.

I heard from Jacob sometime Wednesday.  The amount of overwhelming relief consumed me. I found myself holding back tears, and the knot in my throat kept me choked up.  And then after what felt like a million seconds,  I felt like I could truly breath again.  Once again I have learned what I already knew; if I don't hear it from Jacob or the Red Cross I am not to put it in my mind.  It is a hard truth I have to swallow, and the control freak, type A part of me struggles with this, but that is what has to be done.  It has to be done for my own personal clarity. It has to be done for my own mental health.  I have to escape the world for a while longer.

This past week reminded me, or really forced me to grapple with, how hard these deployments really are.  Not only are we physically separated, we are at times mentally separated as the worlds we are living in are so different.  I worry myself with staying connected to my husband, supporting the kids while keeping them connected to their daddy, and juggling all of the other responsibilities being stateside entails.  But his responsibilities entail the safety of the United States. He has offered his time, his service, and the risk of a connection with his family.  This past week put it all back into perspective.

And honestly I think this past week reminded many in civilian life what military life really entails.  It is hard.  It is filled with tears.  It is filled with voids.  It is filled with worry.  It is filled with uncertainties.  It is filled with sacrifice. 

But is is filled with so much pride.  So much pride.

I am unsure how to end this rambling post, so I will leave it with thank you for your thoughts and prayers.