This is a Hot Mess

My sister, Trisha, called the other day.  While chatting she asked me if I knew Ellee had sent her a video message.  Now the reason that it could even be a possibility that I was unaware my 5-year-old sent a video message to her aunt is because she, yes my 5 year old, has a Facebook Messenger (it's the kid version it's not out of control around here yet) account. As I burst out loud in laughter my answer was "No, I had no idea she messaged you".  Ha!  So this is what shelter in place, social distancing, online teaching 24 third graders, while homeschooling a 1st grader and PreKer, all while the partner is away looks like.

My sister went on to tell me why this message stuck out to her.  While Ellee was clearly in the basement, which is our "school room", she was telling Trisha a story and it was pretty in depth but there were many reason why Trisha couldn't follow the story.  First, Ellee isn't that great at telling a story in any order that makes sense even on a good day. Ellee was also using some of the "funny" backgrounds and voice changing add-ons within messenger. But Trisha also struggled because she heard Cade's teacher in the background teaching in Spanish, and all at the same time a little further away she heard me having a video conference with a student.  Yup.  That sounds just about right.

When Trisha got to end of the story I was both laughing at the craziness of what she got a small window into, and I was also shaking my head in disbelief as I was witnessing what my life looks/sounds like to someone on the outside right now.

And that is where I am.  Where I think most of us are.  We are doing the best we can with what we've got.

Some days I get everything checked off my to-do list.  Some days I feel fantastic about a lesson I got to teach, or a light bulb moment I had with one of my students.  Some days I get to hear Cade speak Spanish and my heart swells.  Some days Ellee does her independent work, actually independent. Some days a homemade dinner is on the table right at 5pm.

Other days the to-do list overwhelms me and I physically cover the list up with all the things I need to do.  Other days the power surges in the middle of my "live" lesson and I lose my internet connection, or I get totally frustrated that I can't call a student over to my desk so I can correct the regrouping mistake they made.  Other days Cade won't sit up to complete his writing, and it takes 500 times longer than it should.  Other days Ellee refuses to pick up a pencil, or even open her eyes to look at her work. Other days I wait for dinner to be delivered to the front porch from the couch which is where I was sitting when I ordered it from my phone.

We have been at this for 6 weeks.  March 13th was the last time I was away from my kids.  I'll repeat that.  I haven't been any. where. for. any. amount. of. time without my kids since March 13th.  I am the momma who knew she would continue working outside of the house for her own mental health.  And yet, here is where I find myself.  I haven't run since March 11th. Running which gives me clarity to move through each day when it gets hard has been stripped away.   What we are going through right now is possibly the hardest thing I have mentally gone through.  And as a small reminder I've done chemo, deployments, and run multiple marathons.  Many have told me I am so strong. Well I am here to say I struggle everyday.

But I can see good moments too. I have the best understanding of where my real kids are academically than I ever have.  My kids are behaving really well for the most part because they feel loved, cared for, and they get a ton of time with their mommy.  I spend every lunch break outside that I can.  I visit with Lola for cuddles throughout the day.  We take daily walks after dinner.

This is tough.  Stay strong.  I feel like a hot mess.  In all honesty I am a hot mess.  But I believe we are all doing the best we can and that there is something beautiful in that. You are doing a great job!  And I am doing a great job.