First I want to start this post with a huge thank you. Thank you all who reached out in person, through messages, phone calls, and over text this past week. We will always take as many thoughts and prayers we can get. And last week we really needed them.
Of course I can not go into details but the events in the Middle East last week put my mindset right back into the first deployment. Last weekend I went right back to how I lived my life 15 years ago, or at least the best I could. I couldn't let my mind wander to the "what-ifs". In order to put up my own mental wall last weekend I unfollowed all news related media accounts, along with people who post media reports. I decided I would take up reading at night after the kids were in bed when I normally would un-wind by watching the news. I got my weather from the weather app, and found my evenings a lot quieter.
When I received multiple calls on Tuesday I knew something had happened. But none of those calls were from Jacob himself, or the Red Cross. I was right back into my tunnel vision. If I didn't hear from Jacob or the Red Cross, I didn't want to know. Or at least that is what I kept telling myself. But as the evening wore on it was harder and harder to stay "in the dark".
Tuesday evening I became curious. I turned on a news channel and I spent hours crying. Crying for the events. Crying for the soldiers. Crying for the families stateside. Crying for the officials making decisions. Crying for unanswered questions lingering in the back of my mind. I finally forced myself to turn off the tv. But I knew the damage had been done.
I heard from Jacob sometime Wednesday. The amount of overwhelming relief consumed me. I found myself holding back tears, and the knot in my throat kept me choked up. And then after what felt like a million seconds, I felt like I could truly breath again. Once again I have learned what I already knew; if I don't hear it from Jacob or the Red Cross I am not to put it in my mind. It is a hard truth I have to swallow, and the control freak, type A part of me struggles with this, but that is what has to be done. It has to be done for my own personal clarity. It has to be done for my own mental health. I have to escape the world for a while longer.
This past week reminded me, or really forced me to grapple with, how hard these deployments really are. Not only are we physically separated, we are at times mentally separated as the worlds we are living in are so different. I worry myself with staying connected to my husband, supporting the kids while keeping them connected to their daddy, and juggling all of the other responsibilities being stateside entails. But his responsibilities entail the safety of the United States. He has offered his time, his service, and the risk of a connection with his family. This past week put it all back into perspective.
And honestly I think this past week reminded many in civilian life what military life really entails. It is hard. It is filled with tears. It is filled with voids. It is filled with worry. It is filled with uncertainties. It is filled with sacrifice.
But is is filled with so much pride. So much pride.
I am unsure how to end this rambling post, so I will leave it with thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
