He is Still Gone

"Is Jacob still gone?"  This is the question that seems to be asked the most lately.  And the answer.  Yes. Yup.  Mmmm hmmm.  

And then it is followed up with "How are you doing?'

The answer to this is quite complicated.  Kinda a loaded question.  And honestly it changes daily.  But overall, we are here.  We are doing what needs to be done.  Days are passing.  And I am keeping the kids alive.  

A couple of days ago Cade went into secretive mode, and wouldn't let me over in his area of the dinning room table.  He is terrible at keeping secrets, so he told his sister what he was up to, and in turn cried his eyes out when he watched her run over to me be and whisper in my ear.  Honestly she told me exactly what he was doing, down to the detail, but I told him she hadn't told, and there are only a couple tear marks on the final product.  And what was the final product?  After about 15 minutes he invited me into my bedroom and across from where I sleep, added to the already quite filled "art gallery" space on the wall was a new drawing.  He proudly went on to tell me this picture was of mommy, daddy, Ellee, and Cade all flying in the airplane to Colorado.  And the plane is flying in front of the mountains we will see when we are there.  I wish I had taken a video of his huge smile.  He goes on to tell me he put it right here so when I wake up I see the picture and remember we will all be together in a while.  Ellee and I gushed over it, and as we walked out of the bedroom under Cade's breath I hear him sigh " I can't wait for daddy to be home".  See, this is his way of dealing.  Cade has been able to rationalize that daddy will come back.  And he has been able to comprehend that this has been a long time, and will be a lot longer.  But every couple of days I will hear him almost wish into the empty air that daddy was home.  His voice is always a little sad as the words come out.  Sometimes I address it with statements of I agree, or we talk about all the things we can't wait for daddy to see, or do when he gets back. Sometimes I just let it go off into the wind, as I am not sure what the response should be at that moment. 

Ellee on the other hand has had more difficulty this time around.  We knew that would probably be the case.  Be it her age of not really being able to comprehend the abstract of time, and yet also being able to comprehend daddy isn't here and it has been a long time.  She finds herself in this place of confusion, sometimes anger, and as her emotions normally are expressed sadness.  She will cry in the shower and tell me she just wants daddy.  After rather large outbursts of anger she will ask when daddy will be here.  And the most gut wrenching show of emotion is something she started early on in this deployment.  When she is talking to Jacob on video chat, she will tell daddy she wishes he could really kiss her, but she knows he can't.  Then when they say goodbye she puts her lips to the phone and really kisses daddy, then turns her cheek, places the phone against her skin and waits for Jacob to make the kissy noise, so she is "kissed" by daddy.  She gets the biggest grin on her face.  I am so thankful for the technology that we have, and that the kids get to "see" daddy almost once a week.  

And me.  Well I find myself just going through the motions.  We stay busy with a lot on our plates be it work, after school activities, play dates, housework, homework, laundry, grocery shopping, keeping the animals alive, and the like.  But in the quiet, still places in life I find myself feeling lonely.  It is the kind of lonely that I could be in a room full of people, and we are all having a great time, but deep down there is still something missing.  A kind of lonely that no matter how many phone calls, play dates, work functions, or dinners with friends this feeling could never be filled.  I am emotionally drained most days.  I am in a career that is known to tax you emotionally, plus the added emotional toll of caring for two young kids 'alone', plus trying to stay connected to my best friend.  My best friend who hasn't died, and yet the distance between us is tugging us in two different directions.  We have made it to the point in this deployment where it has been a long time, Jacob is still gone, and yet the time left seems almost over whelming.  And yet, everyday we are closer to this being over.  We are closer to Ellee getting real kisses, and Cade having his daddy home.  For me having that presence back in my life that is slipping away even though I am trying to hold on to it.  

So yes, Jacob is still gone.