The race is not for the swift, but who really can take control of it

The title comes from (surprise) a Black Eyed Peas song Hey Mama.  I learned this lyric as a fact after my first triathlon.  I was so in my head, so worried about the clock, I forgot to enjoy the race.  I forgot to not let the race, race me. 

This song came on my Ipod this morning as I went out for a quick run.  I hadn't been able to run the past 4 days so I was happy to be on spring break, and woke up early to get out before my body told me I was too tired.  I was running a nice 1/4 of a mile steep incline as this lyric rang through my ears.  To say I have EVERY Black Eyed Peas song memorized is an understatement, but I love how the perfect lyric is placed in my head right as a need it.  Of course this lyric has multiple meanings, a HUGE reason I love the Black Eyed Peas, but the first thing that popped in my mind was my first triathlon.  So as I continued up the hill I just put my head down, and took control of my form, and slowed my speed. 

As I peaked the hill, I knew there were 2 more long hills coming up, one that is 3/4 of a mile incline.  If you are not familiar with Atlanta, we have TONS of hills.  Great for training, but still tough routes.  I took control of my thoughts, my pace, my form and reminded myself I am here to enjoy this.  If I stop enjoying running, then I will stop doing it.  I ended my run this morning with a great time, and felt refreshed. 

When I run, I let me mind wander as far as I can, while keeping my wits about me.  I normally write quite a few of these blogs out on solo runs.  So as I worked my way back home I thought about what needed to be said next.  The last blog brought a lot of comments.  I had taken a break from writing as I felt some people were not ready for the next one.  But here we are. 

My mom sent me a book called Surprise Child: Finding Hope in Unexpected Pregnancy by Leslie Leyland Fields.  My mom had almost prepped me for this books arrival as she wanted me to have an open mind, and she wanted me to know she was supporting me, not trying to make me think one way or the other.  This is a great, quick read.  It is a book split up by each month of the pregnancy and it is a compilation of different women who found themselves with an unexpected pregnancy.  It told their story through each month.  Each woman came from a different background.  Some teenagers, some not married, some married, some this was their 5th or 6th pregnancy, but what brought them all together was an unexpected pregnancy. 

I had two thoughts as I read through this book. 

1st: Well darn, there goes my book deal.  I had hopes of bringing out that small dream of eventually becoming an author, and thought this journey might be my selling point.  Only to find out Mrs. Fields beat me to it. 

2nd:  I am completely validated.  I swear this lady had a way to see into the future and took lines straight out of my past 2 months blogs.  There wasn't a topic I had struggled with that wasn't addressed in this book.  It was such a relief to know I am right on track.  She writes about the obvious weight gain "I know in one part of my brain that this extra (weight) is completely justified, that this bulge in my abdomen is a human being, but I am not ready to surrender my body to another" (pg. 57).  She writes this in month four.  I am right on track!   I could go on and on with the similarities.  I read the whole thing, and there was no big surprise at the end that most women end up loving their child more than their own life.  I say most, as some gave their babies up for adoption, and some had an abortion.  This book did not sugar coat anything, and brought me to tears more than once. 

But Fields writes in the Epilogue that this undying love may not happen right at first.  And these are all normal feelings too. There is a chance I won't "be awake" or I might be "too exhausted" to have those first bonding moments with Baby Pat.  As this fear of not having that connection immediately unsettles me, I am given some hope.  My mom (I hope this is cool that I write this) lost a lot of blood during my labor.  My labor was long and she struggled.  She has many stories of how I made her life miserable during pregnancy.  My mom lost so much blood she passed out during labor.   She did not get to see me for the first 24 hours.  It wasn't one of those perfect births that so many women dream of.  But my mom and I are extremely close.  We didn't get that immediate bond, and the bond is there stronger than ever.  Again so many of my fears are being addressed in a natural, truthful way. 

I guess you could say the bond is so strong that she knew I needed this book to help me work through so many emotions, fears, and what I consider inadequacies.  I will hold onto the book in hopes to be able to pass it on to someone who I can feel a connection with, and needs this book.  I really can't thank my mom enough!

So back to the Black Eyed Peas. 

The race is not for the swift
But who really can take control of it

So here I am.  Completely understanding that this "race" is not for the fast learners, the fast deciders, the quick movers, but for those that work through it all, and in the end take control of their thoughts, actions, and feelings.  I feel no guilt for what I have felt.  I mean there still might be that book deal out there waiting for me.