My Unrest With the Breast

I really have been struggling with the breast feeding.  Cade is not the problem.  Cade latches great.  He wants to eat.  He does eat.  And yet as the past week has passed I have watched him struggle to get anything out. 

Yesterday I had little breast milk to give to Cade.  I haven't been able to pump ANYTHING in a few days, and Cade sucks, and sucks, and sucks for up to 30 minutes on each side, and still would be hungry.  I mean screaming hungry.  So yesterday I broke down and called the Lactation Department, for the third time since we were sent home. 

I know, rationally, this is not something I did.  I am a rule follower, and so everything the "booby doc" (as my sister calls them) has said to do I have done.  I followed everything to the exact time.  And yet Tuesday and Wednesday I found myself with negative self talk in my head.  Cade would feed, and I would know there was nothing inside.  A woman's body is suppose to know what to do.  Why in the world can't mine figure out......oh yeah.... I remember why...

The booby docs call it "the trauma".  The way they try to calmly explain why this might be happening is that my body went through a "trauma", and now it can't keep up with me, much less produce enough for someone else.  I have to admit it is not reassuring.  The one thing a mother should be able to do is nourish/care for their baby.  And I can promise you all it is not a lack of wanting to do those things on my part.  It breaks my heart when Cade pushes away from me, because he is frustrated with getting no food. 

So yesterday we tried plan D (or it might be plan E, I have started to lose count).  We reduced the amount of "active" time on each breast.  I am to time it exactly, and have 20 minutes on one side, and 10 on the other.  Then he gets 1 oz of formula.  He should be able to sleep for 2-2.5 hours after the feeding.  I am to pump, both sides, for 15 minutes.  I think that might be the most defeating part.  Sitting around, pumping for 15 minutes, just to write down I pumped 0.0 oz. 

I was prepped by the doctors early on in the pregnancy that I may not be able to breast feed.  There were too many variables at the time.  Would I go full term?  What medication would I be on?  Would I be doing chemo/other treatments right after labor?  Jacob and I prepared for both options.  We knew we would rent a pump from the hospital to get us started if we could breast feed, and if not, we had formula, and bottles at home. 

I feel blessed with the fact that even though I didn't get to breast feed with in the first 10 hours of birth, Cade still latched, and the doctors gave me the a-okay to try it.   Then I fought for only safe medicine to try and continue to breast feed.  I had to bargain, and I may or may not have taken all the meds that the doctors ordered me to.  Then I had to breakdown and do what I could for me, as I reminded over and over again that I had to take care of myself to take care of Cade. 

So here we are.  I am going to continue this plan until tomorrow, and then I am to report back.  If I am still dry, then I will go in for a consultation, and we will try one more plan.  Then I have decided I can't stress myself about it anymore.  I want to be able to say I did everything I could, under the circumstances, but I can't beat myself up, or Cade needs to get the nourishment he requires. 

I know, to speak honestly, I will continue to internally beat myself up for a little while.  I can't wrap my brain around the fact that it wasn't anything I did.  I still can find a million reasons why it is my fault.  I started being active too soon, I had to take prednisone, I had to take any of the 7 different meds I have in the pasta 3 weeks, I don't have enough nutrients in my milk, I am out of iron, I am not drinking enough water, I am not eating healthy enough, I ....blah blah blah

I wonder if it would have been easier for the decision to be made early on that I would not be breast feeding.  Had the doctors just said no, I am not sure I would be in the mental unrest I am in now.  But that is not what happened.  I will work this newest plan, and then hopefully come to peace with the next decision.