If I had to be honest

We hit 39 weeks yesterday.  When I put myself up to a goal I am normally able to achieve it.  Goal #1 get to Friday, Feb. 27.  So far I am right on track! 

We had a little scare on Thursday afternoon at the baby docs.  My normal doc is on vacation so I saw one of his nurses, who has worked with me before.  They, yes multiple doctors came in to check, were having some trouble finding the baby's head.  Then, of course, I was measuring small.  Like almost 4 weeks too small.  Afraid I was possibly breach, and/or I was losing amniotic fluid I was given an unscheduled ultra sound.  To see a baby at almost 39 weeks was surreal.  They did check, and I can with confidence say this baby is a girl.  Considering she is ready to come out any day I now believe it is a girl. She has super chubby cheeks, which are so squished up against the birth canal, the whole reason they couldn't find her head to begin with.  She is not breech.  They checked all of the fluid, and all looks fine.  I guess changing my diet after the diabetic scare in Dec helped slow the growth, maybe more than they wanted. 

Then Friday was a visit with the blood doc. Who I have not mentioned has changed to a new guy just in Jan.  Too much to talk about, but that has been quite a ride to go through changing such an important doctor so late in the pregnancy.  But I got my CBC taken and my counts are almost 40,000 higher than they were at this time with Cade.  No talk of steroids.

So there we have it.  Everything seems to be falling into place.  My substitute teacher has been in to observe my class for two days.  She is ready to begin anytime this week.  I am feeling like I am 39 weeks pregnant.  I tire easily, can't bend over, and have less lung capacity than I am used to, but overall I am feeling well.

But if I would sit long enough to really think about what this week brings, and honestly I won't let myself sit in the quiet for this exact reason, I would have to be honest and say I am getting nervous. 

Nervous if I spent enough time with Cade as an only child.
Nervous if I remember how to take care of a newborn.
Nervous to have two.of.them.  I am only one.  I will be out numbered while being alone.
Nervous to have to do the whole labor thing again. No drugs. Possibly clotting issues. 
Nervous to put Jacob in the same situation as last time, having to choose between his newborn child and his wife.
Nervous if I can do it again......

That means all the pain. All the pushing.  All the doctor appointments afterwards.  All of the possible transfusions, and chemotherapy.  All of the late nights.  The steroids.  The fight to breast feed.  Asking my body to step it up one more time. 

But I guess that is why I don't take very much time to think about it.  I figure I have done it before.   I can do it again. 

At least until I find myself alone in the quiet....