Life's Puzzle Pieces

Have you ever had that moment of clarity when everything seems to fit together?

Yay, me either.

But, I came really close this evening.

Ellee has had a few off days.  Jacob's mom came to help us with Cade and Ellee when I went to back to work the first of May.  She was able to stay for two weeks.  Then my mom and Duane came down for a week, which gave Cade and Ellee a whole lot of grandparent spoiling time.   We were back to the Larkin 4 yesterday, so I am thinking Ellee may have gotten used to being held, a lot more than I can do when left on my own.  So she has been a little off schedule, with sleeping so little during the day, and eating a ton.  Tonight I was rocking her right before bed, and she was fighting it a little bit. And then it all just fell into place.

I mean everything.

I believe everything happens for a reason.  Jacob and I have been through a lot of different highs and lows, but when you are far enough removed from each situation you can see how it lead you to where you are.  That is what happened this evening.

As I rocked back and forth, understanding that this, the swaddling, rocking, and holding her tight in my arms won't last forever, I found myself so thankful I was able for a chance to do it one more time. 

After Cade, I never really recovered.  I actually remember very little of Cade's first few months.  I struggled to get back to "healthy"  But I never really made it.  Not physically, or mentally.  I never got back to 100% Amanda.

But tonight. Tonight I realized I am back.  Not just feeling okay, but really, truly, like myself.  I have an energy level I have been lacking for a couple years.  I have a mental clarity I haven't had in a really long time.  The past few weeks, yes I went back to work, but I have worked hard on keeping a balance on stress, work hours, and family life.  Granted I only had to juggle it all for 3 weeks, and I did have family support at home, but I did it.  And I felt good about it.

I needed to have Ellee.  I don't know what having a second child did to my body and mind, but it turned me around.  Okay, maybe it was the drugs they pumped me with to get ready, but something this time around helped me.  I didn't know one year ago how much my life would change when the doctors said it was "go time".

But all of my life puzzle pieces wouldn't have fit together if we hadn't taken a leap that really scared us.  Everything happens for a reason, and I am happy today for everything that has happened.