Learning to Love Again

My body image has been messed up since 2008.  I gained a quick 35 lbs in 3 months the first round of Prednisone/chemo.  It crushed what positive body image I had. 

Even as a girl, I have never really put that much into my outer looks.  I don't wear makeup, never have.  Growing up I was athletic.  Practices, and working after school kept my metabolism moving.  When I went to college I did the opposite of everyone one else, and actually lost close to 20 lbs.  My small frame was well proportioned.  I can't say I watched what I ate, but I was super busy so it wasn't too much of a problem. 

Marriage and a move brought on 10 or so lbs, but nothing drastic.  Not until 2008....

Putting on that weight so fast, and for reasons I couldn't help, mentally messed me up.  I would look into the mirror and not recognize who was looking back.  I found myself crying softly in dressing rooms as more and more clothes wouldn't fit or look decent.  Then the struggle to get the weight off that went on so quickly, took over a year to take off.  But then I was on such a roll, I took off the marriage pounds, and in Nov. 2011 I was at my prime. 

I was at a weight I was happy.  My body looked and felt the way I thought it should.  Clothes fit me nicely.  I had the energy a late 20 something year old should have.  And in all reality the fact I was in such good shape, proved to most likely helped me through pregnancy. 

But now I am left to brave the summer with yet a different body.  This body has been through pregnancy, and a second round of steroids and chemo. The thoughts of my body have had to sway again.  The body I see now, is weird.  different.  interesting. mine. 

I am not one to say my body has flaws.  I guess that goes along with that strong will of what-I-have-is-good.  But there is a struggle to get used to what is there now.  When I look into the mirror now I see:

Stomach skin that is not as tight as it used to be.  The skin over my abs is flimsy.  I knew this would happen.  I marvel in the fact I do not have a single stretch mark.  I am also grateful for the most part everything is back where it used to be.  Nothing sags too much. 

Super legs!  I pushed my legs to the edge.  Carrying 30 extra pounds (that is what I gained with Cade) for long distances.  And then even when my body was still healing I was counting on my legs to keep pushing through.  And, WOW, did they ever.  My legs are stronger than they were pre-Cade.  They are well toned.  My thighs are larger than they were before, but I appreciate all that those muscles did for me.  I like what I see when I look at my legs.

Widened hips.  I have a small frame, and I gave birth to a big boy, with super wide shoulders (and a big head!).  During labor the doctor had to pull my hips apart to get Cade's shoulders through.  They are now forever wider. 

Collar bones!  When I go on Prednisone the first place I always see the water gain is my neck/front chest area.  My collar bones slowly disappear.  It takes me a long time to find them again.  I can see them right now. 

Frizzed hair.  During Chemo I do lose hair.  I have enough hair to get along.  I lose enough to plug the shower drain every 2 weeks.  But it is growing back now.  So I have a bunch of hair that is 3-4 inches long.  All over my head.  I like my hair to not have a lot of volume, or frizz.  So this is killing me.  I wear a tight headband everyday, just to keep the frizz down.  This too will pass.

Smaller breasts.  This is what is taking the longest to get used to.  One of the steroid cocktails I took, had a chance of breaking down tissue.  I lost a full cup (and maybe a half).  I am slightly devastated.  My bras don't fit, my shirts don't look right.  I don't feel right.  I thought getting pregnant guaranteed a bigger, sometimes saggier, chest.  What happened?!

Then I remember this seems so superficial.  I have had this blog written and haven't put it out there for a little while now.  I just didn't want others to think I am some shallow person.  I am not.  But I think body image/body happiness effects most women.  It never ends for us girls, I guess. 

So here is a shout out to all the those girls who are looking in the mirror and not sure what they are looking at.  Here's to all the scars, extra skin, flattened abs, toned arms, crooked smiles, large eyes, too big of thighs, and small chests. 

I know I just have to learn to love my new body, again....and again.