A Trial Run

I did it.  I survived my first summer as a mom. I remember last summer when I just kept thinking thoughts like: this is your last summer without a kid. This is the last summer you can do what you want to do when you want.  This is your last summer of freedom.

To an extent I was right.  I did have a kid with me this summer.  I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted.  I did feel like I had less freedom.

But as fast as your fears creep up, they are conquered and then considered memories.  This summer wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.  I had two, solo weeks with Cade, while Jacob was doing Army things.  I went on a two week vacation with the lil' man.  I ran multiple errands with him in tow.  We had many morning runs together.  I coordinated a workout schedule for when he couldn't join me.  I painted our living room and kitchen little by little each day as we spent our days together.  We both had to adjust to Jacob's permenant work schedule. 

This summer taught me a lot.  I learned to be a little less of a perfectionist.  The house wouldn't be perfect.  I might not get everything complelted on my to-do list in the time I planned for.  I figured out small tasks take a little bit longer than they used to.  It took me almost 2 weeks to get two rooms painted.  Folding laundry takes a new turn when you have little hands pulling stacks down.  I learned I love my hair longer, because a being able to pull it up because I haven't had a shower in two days is essential.   I learned that at any moment the little man could melt my heart.  I would turn around from being in the kitchen and he would be standing there, just waiting for me with a huge smile on his face.  His giggle when laughing at Lola toss a ball around is something I am so happy I didn't miss.  He has become so mobile in the past two months.  I feel blessed to have had the chance to see the change in him.

Tomorrow is what I am calling a trial day.  Cade and I will be practicing our morning routine.  He will be going back to day care during the day, and I will be going to work.  It is a trial day, as my official start back date is not until Tuesday, so we have a day to practice.  But as the afternoon wore on, and I started getting not only my school bag ready, but Cade's daycare bag, I started to feel a little heavy hearted. 

I really enjoyed this summer more than I thought I would.  The morning workouts, the coffee dates with friends, running errands, eating lunch together, and most of all just spending time together; man I am going to miss the time together. 

The trial day was originally just for a time trial, to make sure I could get myself and Cade ready and still make it to work on time.  But now I am thinking this trial day might be a trial for my own emotions.  It is hard to explain.  I am happy to be going back to work.  Seeing my coworkers that past few days has been great.  I jumped right in after my vacation, and sometimes it seems like I never left my classroom.  I still enjoying teaching.  But then I am sad that Cade will be with someone else all day. 

I didn't really struggle with this when leaving maternity leave.  I never got the opportunity to stop teacher mode.  I was running the classroom from my living room.  But this summer...I didn't do anything school related until last week. 

I was full on mom/wife. 

And I liked it. 

But tomorrow.  Tomorrow.  Tomorrow is trial day...