First off I know it has been way too long. But if I were to use an excuse it could be because it was the holidays. This post will finally be back to getting into why I started this blog...well sort of. The real reason I started it was because I was sick and wanted to keep a record of kinds for myself and my family who were living so far away. The other reason was because I am a talker, and I feel better if I talk things out. So this post will talk about what has been happening but at a deeper and longer level. So here is what has been on my mind....
This past fall (since August really) has been the hardest season of my life. Now that I can sit back and reflect, I am not quite sure how I made it through. Actually I do know. My family rode this stress journey out with me. They were always a call away, and really if I had asked would have been on my door step in a second. My best friend Shane has words of wisdom that I hope to someday repay him with if he ever needs it. And of course my friends the Burdens who dropped whatever they were doing to be ears that I needed. And then a God send of my friends the Keys who literally, I feel were asked to drop in by God. I know if I would have reached out to others they would have done the same. I only hope that now I am back on my feet that I will be able to repay these friends back by being the same friend they were to me.
This past fall I had to finish my last semester of my Masters. As an added bonus they moved up the due date for my Thesis. I put myself under an enormous amount of stress as I was carrying a 4.0 and was two classes and a thesis away from graduating with it. This pressure was so great, that it often brought me to tears and melt downs. On top of a thesis and two classes, with papers and assignments, I was trying to lead the third grade team, and learn what to teach for this new grade. If you have never been a teacher, I can not explain what it takes to learn a specific grade, and then have to teach it. This includes coming up with projects, and fun activities, most of them from my own head, or the internet. All of this took up time and I spent late nights in the classroom trying to get my head on straight. When I would finally leave the classroom I would be so upset with myself for not leaving enough time to work on my thesis or other school stuff I would once again completely fade away to meltdown mode.
The best part was towards the middle of August when I developed a rash that wouldn't go away. It showed up on both elbows and burned like nothing I had ever had before. It was of course a stress rash, and spread through Sept. and Oct. It covered my elbows, and then went up and down my arms. This was a constant reminder of all that I had on my plate, and a reminder of how poorly I was doing at it all.
This fall my marriage was put to the test. Be it some of my fault or not, either way it was a struggle and an added fight in which I was battling. We started seeing a counselor and yet it was an added pressure I felt I might fall under. Long nights at work, only to come home and be in depression, and at times feeling completely lost. I would wonder how I got to this point. Then thoughts of how I am 27 and no kids, and no hope of becoming what I had dreamed. Thoughts of how horrible I was, and how miserable I had become crept in nightly.
It would be these low moments I would bawl my eyes out to my family, and friends. I would be crying so hard I couldn't breath, and sobbing was the only language some of them could hear on the other end. And yet their voices can still be heard today. I could do it. Most of them know me, and my lists, and would help me set up a list of things that NEEDED to get done, and then work from there. One step at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time became a new way of thinking.
And then slowly one thing at a time got done, and moved off of the list. The thesis was first. Then my first class's final. Grades were released and I had received an A in the class and on the thesis. Then we had a break through in counseling. Then my third grade team started to click. Then I started thinking about getting a new job for next year. Then my old fifth grade team gathered around me, and held me high. Then we had another good counseling session. Then my last class started. Then Jacob and I ran the Thanksgiving Half Marathon together and had our best time ever. I must admit crossing that finishing line meant more to me than just a race. It had a lot of meaning to me that Jacob and I were crossing it together. We have new personal records of 2 hours and 23 minutes. Then I completed my final for my last class ever, and dropped it off. I was going to miss my last class as I went to Grandpa Larkin's memorial service in Colorado. Two days after I dropped off that final, the first week of Dec., my stress rash disappeared.
I think of the trip to Colorado as a turning point. I didn't have anymore assignments due. I only had my third graders to think about. And there were times I was not even sure Jacob and I would be making the trip together, but we did, and we were able to refresh together. Being away from the normal stresses, and being there together gave us the chance we needed to put everything into place.
Since then my family and friends have been called a lot less, or at least with me having break downs on the other end. I finally feel like I can take on the world. As I look back on the blog I wonder why I didn't let the truth come out. Part of me didn't want anyone else knowing how stressed I was, because that would mean it was real. I am also not one to let it all hang out, but I can't describe how much better this feels.
This holiday break has been AMAZING! I left my classroom knowing that I could take on next year. A new year, half way through the year. I also knew there was nothing I HAD to do over break. So I have done pretty much nothing. The first few days I literally stayed in bed. I laid around reading books, and watching nonsense TV. I didn't stress about getting shopping done, and it got done, and on time. We made the decision to make this years holidays around us, doing nothing. And that is what we did. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve, and Christmas. Here are some pics if you care. We really had a great holiday. It was focused on us, and our animals. We were so relaxed, didn't leave the house, and had a "stay"cation if you will.
And that brings us to the day after Christmas, today. I just felt like I had the time, and maybe this post will help someone who is, or will go through something similar. I can take this time to look back on what I went through. This time has made me stronger, and it brought me closer to God. If you have a relationship with God you know that to be true. Anytime you feel that you can not take anymore, or get through what you are handed you just fall to your knees. He helped me seek help through my friends and family and gather the strength I needed. And here I am. Reflecting. Calm. No rash.
So that is what has really been going on in the life of me.
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