My hormones have felt out of whack for a few days. A lot of people told me that after the baby was born, to expect the hormones to be a little crazy. I was told I would cry, get angry, and be happy all within few moments. I was ready and prepared.
I didn't feel out of whack right away. I know what happened though. After Cade was born I went into what I call "military mode". It could be coined "teacher mode" too I guess. These modes are something I have been able to do for as long as I can remember. It is a mental state that I can put myself in, when I want to control what I focus on. I can take my emotions and completely put them aside until I am ready to deal with them at a later time.
I have been placed in some situations that I needed to put emotions aside, and complete a task. While Jacob and I were on our honeymoon our cruise ship tipped on its side. There were 100's injured on the top desks. There was an all call for anyone with medical training to go to the pool desks. Jacob didn't even think twice, and I followed. It was a mess on the top decks, and yet we were able to think clearly, and move forward. Teachers are put in these situations all the time. I witnessed one of my students go through a concussion. As I watched my student scream at the top of her lungs, thrash wildly, and repeat incoherent phrases, I was able to call 911, her mother, and talk to the paramedics with exactly what was going on. It wasn't until she was loaded into the ambulance, and I was left alone in the nurses office that I fell to my knees shaking. Not that long ago I was witness to a fellow runner fall, due to a heart problem. I watched as her heart stopped twice. However while in" military mode" I remembered to grab my phone, and we were able to contact her husband. It wasn't until the next day that I actually dealt with my emotions.
Since Cade was born I have been on the go, go, go. We had family over. Then when I was left to my own, I had at least 2 doctor appointments a week, I had play dates, and of course a new born to keep my attention. I was also focusing on the marathon, and then I actually ran the marathon. Cade and I spent a week in MI, and that was followed with my sister here for a week. I only had two more weeks left before I returned to school, and within that time I had chemo treatments once a week. Then I had to focus on getting back into the classroom. Which leaves me here...tonight...on the couch, alone.
The tears started over the weekend. I clicked on a photo/video of a friend who had also recently had a baby. They had put together some photos/video of their time in the hospital, the birth, right after the birth, and tons of pictures of the baby in the hospital. Jacob noticed my tears and asked why I was crying. When I wouldn't answer him, he looked over my shoulder to see what I was looking at. He clicked the mouse, and the video stopped. He looked at me and asked "Are you crying because it is a beautiful thing, or because we don't have one?"
He knew I had been saying things like "I'm a bad mother because _____". The blank could be filled with so many different answers. Because I can't breast feed, because I am not breast feeding, because I have to go back to work, because I have to do chemo, because I couldn't hold my baby right away, because I didn't/don't take a ton of pictures, because I check Facebook while feeding him, because he is going to a daycare, because we don't live by family, because he didn't have a bassinet. As I said the list goes on and on.
I was crying because we didn't have a lot of pictures from the hospital, or even right after Cade was born. I don't actually remember much of that night. So with few memories, and no video or pictures, I told Jacob I felt like a bad mom. As tears slid down my face I asked him why we didn't have a lot of pictures. He looked at me like I was crazy, and calmly answered "Because I was too worried about you to take any pictures."
The overall amount of guilt I carry because of my sickness had/has become overwhelming. I felt like I had been cheated out of bonding time. I said Cade is being deprived because I can't breast feed. I am not a real mother because I never got milk to come in. I felt guilt because I get so tired after treatment I struggle to hold him. The day after treatment I am exhausted, which cheats me out of time I could be spending with him. Because of my sickness I have to keep working so we can keep our insurance. Because I have to work, he is at daycare all day. I got home late the past two nights, because there is SO much to do at school. My mind had been filled with so much negativity it was becoming an attitude.
Then it finally happened. While watching a beautiful story on the nurses who saved those babies during Sandy at the New York hospital, I started really crying. I mean sobbing. Jacob was gone at drill, Cade was sleeping, so it was just me in the house. Just me, left to deal with my emotions that I had shoved in the back of my mind, and refused to deal with. There was no one to distract me. There were no plans on the calendar, so I had as long as I need to just let it out. I don't know if it was the realization how lucky I am, or how so many people have lost so much, or my overall empathy towards those who were in the path of Superstorm Sandy, but the tears finally just flowed.
And now I am ready to move on. As I type this I almost feel like I went through the grieving process. I was upset, and angry at some of the wrongs I felt I had been dealt. And now...now I am ready to move on. What happened, happened. I know there is a greater purpose. I am walking the path I am suppose to. Just because it isn't the path I invisioned, it doesn't mean it is the wrong one. I am ready to start back, and not take for granted the smiles I get from Cade. Or the way he sighs when he snuggles his face under my chin. If I had to be honest Cade is going to be just fine, and it would be me who would miss out if I contiued to allow myself to feel cheated.
Now, I am hoping to get my hormones back in check, so I can make it through a news segment without crying.
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