I found myself running mid-afternoon on the Silver Comet Trail. Three years ago I could have told you every mile marker and which landmark it coincided with, but as I drove to the trail I couldn't even remember how far I would have to run out for my mileage. As I got parked I didn't feel nervous by any means, just strange. This trail was such a large part of my weekly life just a few years ago, yet now I felt like I was stepping into a place that I didn't necessarily belong.
As I took off, I started reflecting on the experience as a whole. I was running, which I am trying to keep up with even with all the rest of the crazy in my life, but in all honesty running only takes place before 5am, from 4-5pm, or after 7pm, so to be out in the middle of the afternoon it was strange. The further along the trail I found myself I realized the trail was the same. Same tree stumps, same benches, same mile markers, same landmarks.
But me. I wasn't the same the girl who had plodded on this trail just three years ago. I have had to change. Some of it necessary. Some of it survival. Some of it for the good. I have evolved. Although I am doing the same activity I would have been doing on the trail 3 years ago, I am doing it as a different person.
I am not really sure why my thoughts took a turn like this. I guess my brain deemed it okay to wander since I was in such a familiar place. This time as a I could hear my feet pounding into the ground I reflected on all the changes the last three years have brought. I am back in the classroom as a homeroom teacher. I am about 10 lbs heavier than I was three years ago. Both of my kids are in public school. I can run a faster mile now than then. I am struggling finding my balance while parenting without a partner. I am figuring out how to go through a week without hearing Jacob's voice. I am the animal mom of only 2 dogs and 1 cat, and I took down our Welcome to the Zoo plaque that had adorn our mantle for 8 years. I have said yes to help in the last week more times than I had in a whole year three years ago. I struggle to call myself a strong woman. I stay up way later, and wake way earlier than the last time my shadow passed over the trail. And in full honesty, I cry a lot more.
As I stated above all of these changes are not all bad. Rereading the previous paragraph actually makes me wonder if any of them are bad.
I made it to the turn around point in my run and the sun was hitting through the trees just perfectly. I took a picture. But of course the picture didn't capture even 100th of what I was actually experiencing. The silence found in between so many trees. The radiant colors of the leaves on the ground as we had just gone through a wet, cold spurt. And the sun beams that literally made me feel their warmth as I ran through them. But more importantly I felt a sense of strength rising up within me.
Maybe it was the slight downhill the trail takes on the way back to Mavel, or the energy I always get when I am heading to the "finish line", but I realized that although so much had changed, down deep, way down in there that same strong woman was there. She is not hidden. She is making herself known in a different way right now. She isn't needed to be physically strong, but mentally at this time.
I am strong enough to know I am a good teacher, and I will do my ultimate best for each one of my students. I am strong enough to assume the extra 10lbs has got to be muscle. I am strong enough to feel content in our children's education, and not feel stressed about where they might fall on the my-kid-can-do-this spectrum. I am strong enough to know body will continue to get faster even if I have to sit the next couple months out. I am strong enough to know my bond with Jacob is bigger than hearing his voice, and there is not such thing as balance, so why am I trying to act like I am chasing it. I am strong enough to know all of our animals know how much they are loved and cared for, I never wasted a day with them. Not to mention I know I will sign myself up for another round of a Larkin Zoo. I am strong enough to know I have to say yes to help right now. I am strong enough to know when it is time to rest (although apparently I don't need as much as I did a few years ago) I will rest. And I am strong enough to say out loud I am a strong woman who is able to cry and walk through the emotions that are draining me at that moment, so I can move forward when time permits.
I don't know why a run in the middle of the day sparked all this in me. And I don't know why it was on my heart to write it out on here. But I will say putting it out there has helped me process through some what could be negative thoughts, and see I am exactly where I should be. And three years from now I will look back and see how much has changed. And then when I dig down deep see how much really hasn't changed.
I am strong enough.
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