I had not really felt this way for this deployment, until last week Saturday.
I found myself in the sterile room of an animal hospital. I finally made the decision to take in our almost 13 year old lab-mix Lola into the emergency vet as she had not gotten up from our bed in 24 hours. She also had not barked at all. Not once. If you know Lola you know that is sure sign something is wrong.
The loneliness hit me when the vet on call decided to take Lola to the back for an ultrasound. I found myself in the room alone. Some friends had graciously volunteered to take Cade and Ellee out to eat with them so I wouldn't have to deal with two young kids while waiting to get Lola seen. And so when Lola left the room it was just me.
It was also just me when the doctor came back with the heart wrenching news that it wasn't good. I sat there with my clasped hands, trying to stare forward while the doctor laid out the options. Then she stopped. She asked me if I needed some time to call someone. I swallowed hard and explained my husband was gone, and couldn't answer his phone. It was just me. Just me.
Then I made a joke that I guess I will call my mom, because that is who you call when you have no one else to call right? The doctor and vet tech both politely laughed. So that is what I did. I called my mom and sobbed like a baby.
I have since made contact with Jacob, and the plan to move forward is in process. We have and will take it day by day with Lola. But we know her time is limited. She is on high doses of meds and we celebrate each day we get with her. She has been spoiled for the past week. Making such a hard decision that will effect our family with no one to connect with, was really, is really hard. Lost in my own thoughts I felt paralyzed. Just so lonely.
After all of that sent my world spinning, I had a wonderful evening where I was celebrated as the Atlanta Public Schools Elementary Teacher of the Year. It was a well planned, beautiful celebration, but it felt a little amiss without Jacob. I have been so lucky to have him as a teacher-husband. His support for me to stay after school when needed, understanding when I have to go in early, not say anything when he finds I have stolen items from home, and he whole-heartily goes along with anything I volunteer him for which is school related. He deserved to be there too. Instead I drove myself. And then drove home alone. The whole thing just felt like someone was missing. A little lonely.
And the big wham at the end of this week was my immune system finally gave in to all the stress and the change in the weather and I got a cold. When all I wanted to do these past two days was sleep, I had to wake with the kids, make breakfasts, and then make sure they at least were safe within the house as I tried to rest. And no one was here to share my wallows with. So overall I have just felt lonely.
But in all this there are shinning stars that have helped me. My co-teacher who we literally met 2 months ago has become a fast friend, support, and someone who goes above and beyond to help me at school. My ESOL team mates took time out of their personal evenings to support me at my celebration on Tuesday. And the great friends who have helped out by picking Cade and Ellee up from school, and taking them at all odd hours to make my life a little easier. So thank you to everyone who is out there supporting the stateside Larkins!
A friend of mine texted me "You've had a bit of chaos the past several weeks". Although I never would have wanted to describe what we have been through in the last week chaos, it seems to fit what we have been living perfectly.
And yet in all this chaos, I can't help but feel really lonely.
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