Can You go Already

 Have you ever had something hanging over your head and you finally got to a point you were ready to just get it over with?  

I've reached that point. 

We were very lucky this time around, as we heard "rumors" about a deployment list very early on.  And also very early on we had a very good lead Jacob's name was on the list.  The planner part of me was thankful and happy we had, what I think was the longest, time to prepare for a deployment.  But now.  

Now we are ready.  Ready, ready.  As I have said before, in the military they like to give you plans and then those plans change, and then those plans change again.  That stayed consistent this time around too.  Except this time his "date", the big one, the date our kids call the "goodbye date" keeps shifting.  First, you get an "around" date.  As in around the fall.  Then we finally got his orders and that had a date. But then we found out he would still be coming home at night, so that date was the date.  Then they added in a ceremony after what we thought was the date.  He has sold his car based on one of the first dates, so as of right now I am going to be driving him somewhere, we don't know yet, in the future and that should be the date.  

Whew.  It has been a lot of back and forth, and us thinking we had prepared the kids, just for things to shift ever so slightly.  But a shift, even if for the better like Jacob gets to come home yet one more day, is hard.  Emotionally the walls have been going up in preparation for him to be gone.  Then we get one more day.  

I know I have spoken of it before, but this is the in-between.  We are frantically trying to get it all done before he goes, and our thoughts are consumed with him leaving.  And yet he is still here. We are thankful to still have him, but the back and forth becomes overwhelmingly exhausting.  The emotional tug of war that takes place in this in-between time is hard.  Hard for me.  Really hard for our youngest who bares her emotions through anger.  Hard for our son as he continues to "act cool" and like this is no big deal.  

So I really didn't mean it in a bad way when on Monday I said "Can you go already".  I did finish the statement with a smile and a side laugh.  I mean I know how ridiculous that statement sounds.  But dang.  This in-between has been so hard.  When he actually leaves, we can leave the in-between and start to work on the next phase.  A new normal for us three left stateside.  New routines.  New emotions can come in.  We can move forward.  

But I know.  I know with the forward motion will come the loneliness.  The sadness.  The empty feelings.  So do I really want that?!  The tug of what is the correct thing to wish or hope for in the moment is a wishy washy place that I am not comfortable in.  I like the decided.  The action.  The forward movement.  I am trying to appreciate this place of stuck.  

We have been stuck before, and for now we have to become a little more comfortable, as we will be in the in-between for a little while longer.