Day 1

It started very early in the morning.  Report time was 4:30a at the Atlanta airport.  That meant we were all up and getting ready well before that.

We had moved through the "last day together" in what seems like a haze now.  My emotions had been on a roller coaster, and yet to my surprise the day seemed to be like any normal day.  We got up. We ate breakfast. We did yard work.  The kids played nicely with LEGOs. The kids argued over LEGOs.  The kids went down for quiet time.  I did school work, while Jacob finished packing downstairs.  We went out for dinner. It was at that point our conversation kinda fell silent.  At what is normally a very talkative time for me, the "last day together" dinner was just, quiet.  Quiet because what was there to say?  We had been working up this point for months.  Everything was done.  Everything had been said.  There were no more days.  The conversation couldn't really consist of our plans for the next day, the next week, or the next month.  I mean can you really talk about all things Jacob would be missing out on and keep the mood light?!   So it was just silent.  We drove home from dinner.  The kids watched their cartoon.  Jacob read the kids a nighttime book. And we went to bed.  Because 3am is pretty early.

Here is what he took with him

And 3am came.  We got up.  Jacob packed the car.  I woke the kids, got them dressed, and we loaded ourselves in the car.  We drove to the airport.  Most of this was silent.  Cade was too tired to be mindlessly chatting like he normally is, and Ellee could feel the mood.  The mood called for silence.  We parked.  Jacob carried his two duffel bags, and I assisted by carrying his backpack into the North terminal.  We met up with some of the guys who were already there.  We took a few pictures, and then he walked us outside to say a last goodbye.

These goodbyes are so awkward.  Or at least I am not good at them.  They never get easier.  Everyone is always looking.  The guy in the Army uniform.  The tear stained, red-faced wife.  Some can't stop looking.  Others avert their eyes.  It is a few last kisses, and then someone has to walk away.  And as you walk away, you have to be brave enough not to look back.

I took one kid's hand in each of my hands and we walked forward.  We didn't look back.

I paid for our parking. We got in the car.  And drove home.  It was 5:05am when we got home. 

I wanted to post something. Something to just express a small portion of what was going on inside me.    We had taken a picture of the four of us posed and smiling.  But then I found the picture that Cade had taken.  We were not ready when he took this picture.  For most purposes I deemed this a mistake photo.  At first I hated it, and actually deleted it.  It was too raw.  I hate my crying face.  Neither Jacob nor I looked good.  But in the same breath I couldn't post the smiling face, family of four picture either.  I was not in that place yet.  So I went to my deleted folder and recovered the tear-stained, red-face wife with her husband dressed in his Army uniform looking solemn and wrote the lyrics to a song that put into words my feelings better than I could at this point.  Post.

Then the kids and I got started with our day.  We ate breakfast while watching the LEGO Ninja movie.  I did two loads of laundry.  A load of dishes.  Some school work. I teared up constantly.  We went for an early morning walk.  And we just went on with the day.

Day 1 could have been any other normal day.  Except.  Except for the mood of the day.  That solemn tone of silence kind of mood.