Dinner is the Hardest

Dinner is the hardest.

I love our family dinners.  Most nights myself and Jacob are home in time for dinner.  It is a time we get to talk about all that we did during the day.  We accidentally kick Lola, who is flopped under the table between both kids' chairs.  The kids chime in with stories of their own.  We laugh a lot.  We do a devotion.  We shoo Lucie away from the table who is trying to sneak some "human food" while we are distracted by a spill or serving seconds.   We undoubtedly roll our eyes at Ellee telling us what she doesn't like even though she hasn't even tried it.  We will discuss what the rest of the evening will entail, or what we are looking forward to later in the week.  And we will have to remind Cade multiple times his knees are not welcome at the table.  I just love this part of our day.

But it is so hard when I am the only adult.

Yesterday I cried.  I cried a lot actually.  Not sobbing, besides myself crying, but the tears welling up as I try my hardest open my eyes wide enough to make the tears go back where they came from.  While trying to hide my face Ellee very excitedly ran up to me and said "come mommeeeee Cade is doing magic".  She had a huge smile on her face.  I took a deep breath, willed the tears away, and followed her out the kitchen where Cade put on his performance.

We are not in the deployment yet.  We have only started another training.   But this time Jacob left for training while my mom and step-dad were still here.  So my mind and body stayed busy with them here.  But yesterday we dropped Grandma and Grandpa Gilly off at the airport and drove home.  To an empty house.  To quietness.  To a lot of opportunity for my mind to wander.

The afternoon went per usual.  But then we got to dinner time . And it seemed like such a hurdle.  I cooked dinner, but then the thought of sitting at what seemed like a very empty table was just so overwhelming.  What more can I say to the two who I spent all day with?  And how much of a conversation can a 6 and 4 year old carry?

So I called it.

I brought out the t.v. trays, plated up dinner, and turned on a movie.  Of course both Cade and Ellee think I am the best mom ever, but I worry this will become more of a routine as move forward.  I want to keep the tradition of family dinner, but can I? 

I know I can.  Or at least I feel like I can.  It was just so hard last night.