I just couldn't get up

I was suppose to get up at 5:30 this morning so I could make Jacob some breakfast and tea before he took off.  I didn't sleep well.  That might even be an understatement.  I went to bed at 10 last night with Jacob.  Yet, I laid awake.  I finally feel asleep but I don't think I ever made it to the deep sleep I was wanting.  I kept waking up, moving around, I had some crazy dreams.  This happened all night long.  So when my alarm went off, I felt as if I couldn't move my body. 

So Jacob got up this morning, without me, and off to Warner Robbins he went.  I wonder if part of my issue getting up was that I knew I didn't have to get up.   Jacob has gone to drill a million times without me getting up.  I may have sub consciously thought if I didn't get up maybe he wouldn't leave. 

Either way he is gone.  This time for two days.  He will be back Friday night, and we will leave for my triathlon on Saturday.  He will go back on Monday.  It is a nice way to ease into a deployment.  Each time will get a little longer, with a few days in between. 

While I was cleaning my basement I went through and threw out a lot of old binders.  I somehow came across a packet of poems I had to write for a class. We had to write a poem for 7 different forms.  This class must have taken place during Jacob's first deployment.  Here is the only poem I felt was relevant. 

Jacob, wait  

Jacob, wait

That is what I wanted to say

What I wanted to yell

I wanted to say thanks for the macaroni and cheese

It was really great

You are a great cook

I wanted to tell you

But I couldn't

Jacob, wait

That is what I wanted to say

What I wanted to yell

This time together was great

Thanks for spoiling me

Being so supportive

That is what I wanted to say

It really meant a lot to me

Jacob, wait

That is what I wanted to say

What I wanted to yell

I love you, and will miss you

You are brave and I am so proud

I couldn't say what I wanted

My eyes welled up with tears

And I didn't want to make it harder for you

Jacob, wait

That is what I wanted to say

What I wanted to yell

As I got on my tiptoes for one last kiss

One last embrace

I turned around, and left

Walked through the doors and never looked back

I just couldn't.... I just couldn't...