I have been doing some thinking

I have been so blessed to have known 3 sets of my great-grandparents, and even more blessed that I still have a great-grandmother left in my life.  Until last week my great-grandfather was still part of my life also.  He passed away at the age of 90.  A respectable age, he lived an amazing life, and I can only hope to accomplish half of what he did.  Any death is hard, but this one has hit home in more than one way. 

My great-grandparents were extremly proud, and honest people.  Lived by the word of God, and stayed active in their community until recently.  I loved going to their house for a couple of reasons.  #1 They lived in FL, and if we were visiting it almost always meant we were going to make a trip to Disney World.  #2 They lived in FL which was the polar opposite of my home state of MI.  The palm trees, the humidity, and sunshine were always abundant.  The grass was harder than ours at home, and I still remember running around the front yard in awe of how thick the grass was.  #3 Grandma's knick-knaks.  She had(s) so many.  I could look in the living room and dinning room forever at the all the small pieces of art.  #4 They had a screened in porch, which again was something completely foreign to my way of life.  Hearing the bugs while sitting out there with my grandpa is an amazing memory.  #5 How funny and wonderful they both were.  They would bicker, and it was always so amusing to me.  They spoiled my sister and I to death.  My grandma had(s) this way of being completely honest.

Honesty is a quality I have always admired in my great-grandma.  It is hard to explain what I will attempt to talk about in the next few sentences.  A few years ago, like at least 6 years ago, a college friend, Shane, and I went to FL on our spring break.  We of course stayed with my great-grandparents.  As we sat in the living room my grandma's honesty took to a new light for me.  She was talking to Shane and I about how she wished she could be young again.  She went on to explain that growing old is hard.  She had recently lost some family members, and a neighbor had passed away.  She explained how her and my grandpa couldn't volunteer as much as they wanted to anymore, and they were only able to ride seven miles on their bikes.  To me I was thinking how cool are they?  In their 80's riding 7 miles, still volunteering, and able to travel small distances.  I looked at their aging like how well they were aging.  I have always wanted to grow old like them.  It just seemed so natural and graceful. 

Well each visit since that one in college has brought around a similar conversation.  As the years went on the conversation would move towards them not volunteering anymore, not cooking at home as often, more family members passing away, and the worst in my grandma's world was the passing of her friends.  My grandparents were extremely social beings.  Their friends were the same as family to them. I distinctly remember her telling me there were no more friends left.  It was a slight exaggeration at the time, but it was my grandma's perception. 

Grandma and Grandpa moved into an "apartment" in a minimum support housing unit this past year.  It was a super hard move for my grandma, and the word stubborn came up again and again.  Here is a conversation from when Jacob and I were there visiting in June:

"So grandma here is your event calendar.  What is one thing you would like to do?"
"Nothing Mandy.  There is nothing I like to do".
"Okay, well on Tuesday they have arts and crafts right down the hall.  Why don't you try to go and meet some ladies there?"
"Mandy, I WILL NOT GO!  If I do the crafts where would I put it?" - as she sweeps her hand around the small apartment that still had a few boxes that hadn't been unpacked. 

As she swept her hand around the obviously cluttered room I had to burst out in laughter, causing her to do the same.  She has always been proud, independent, and for lack of a better word stubborn. 

My grandfather went downhill quite quickly.  It didn't take us by surprise, but that doesn't mean it was any easier for my grandma.  I was able to be with her for the funeral, and two days after.  She has been moved in with her daughter, my grandma.  Again, the move has not been the easiest thing for her.  The two days after the funeral left the opportunity open for more conversation.  It took the same turn, of how terrible it was to grow old, and watch those around go first.  She is frustrated with the feeling that people feel the need to take care of her, which we all do.  She gets angry when she feels like her rights as an independent woman are being infringed on.  And let's all be honest, we are infringing on them.  She is 88.  As the eldest great-granddaughter, I am one of those taking some of her rights away.  But who can blame me?  I think I can speak for all of my family when I say we are just looking out for her.  We want what is best.  I will fault no one in the family to have anything other than that in the forefront of our thoughts. 

But all of this has created a new dialouge to take place in my own mind.  A goal of mine has always been to live life to the fullest for the longest I can.  To out live so many has been an aspiration.  I eat healthy, brush my teeth, exercise, don't smoke or do drugs, and all those other healthy living tips you can follow, I do my best.  But is that what I want?  My grandma has lived a wonderful life, I don't think she would take any of it back, but then I wonder.... Can I stand strong as family members fall, as I have to say an eternal goodbye to best friends, as my body slowly gives out to where I am stuck inside with a bunch of goodwilled, but possibly misguided young family members? 

All in all, I think I might want to pick up some bad habits.....