This past school year has been the hardest I have ever encountered, and that includes my first year teaching ever. Really since January I have had a major attitude issue. I have tried to change it. In every way I knew how. Really. I am a self fixer. I pride myself on being able to pick myself up, move on, and stay positive. I just can't do it this time.
Then came the "stress" rash on my elbows again. Flared up. Then a rash appeared behind both of my ears, about 3 weeks ago. My left ear way worse than my right. But at this point they are both bad. Then this past week I got this SUPER dry skin on my face. It first showed up across the bridge of my nose, then it went under my eyes. Then across my forehead. I am not talking like put some lotion on it and deal. I am talking so dry, and flaky as I am talking I can see flakes coming from my forehead. The right side of my face is much worse than my left. Crazy right?
Then the weight gain. I know right after the marathon I was not doing the best at keeping track, or following my guidelines. But I started right back in, with the tracking, and writing down everything, and making sure I was getting my 5 servings of fruits and veggies. And then I worked out at least 3 days a week, most weeks running an average of over 10 miles total. And to no avail. 4 weeks of those habits and I continued to gain weight. Please explain that to me.
So all week I'm talking with my mom, no one knows what is going on. I am totally frustrated to a point of no return. Terrible thoughts cross my mind. Terrible thoughts I never thought I would think. Terrible feelings about my body, and self image emerged. I got home last night, exhausted past a point I had felt in a long time, and Jacob was watching Dr. Oz. I didn't even know he knew this guy existed, but still it was on in the background. He was wrapping up his show, and was doing a quick run down. He says "Women don't forget to check your elbows, face, and breasts for dry skin, as it could mean there is a thyroid problem." SAY WHAT? My mom, in an earlier conversation, had mentioned something about a thyroid and I dismissed it. But I don't really believe in coincidences as I think it is a cool way God talks to us. So Jacob says "You must get to the doc. When can you go?"
This morning I walked in the docs office at 9:00. Explained my symptoms, trying not to allude to the thyroid issue. I let it slip a little bit to the nurse, but said nothing to the doc, and she says "We will do a blood draw, and check for a thyroid problem." We chatted a bit about what this could mean. It could explain my inability to get my mood out of the dump. It could explain my dry skin, my weight gain, just everything. We looked at my last weigh in and it was in July. Since July I had gained 11 lbs. Since July I have trained and participated in 2 triathlons, a half marathon, and a marathon. And it is not muscle. This weight is all around my stomach. When did I have time to gain the 11 lbs? I left this afternoon with a new steroid for my arms and back of my ears, and a new lotion for my face.
I have been in this position before. I have gone to the docs and they have said "You are normal." then they say "Well let's test for this, and this", but everything comes back normal. And then they are like well that is just your body. But this time I want answers. I don't think it is normal, even for everything I have had to get through this past 6 months, to have the thoughts that I have. I can't imagine this weight gain, which has really taken up since Nov, as I weigh into Weight Watchers, and I can tell you exactly when I started really struggling, is all that normal either.
So what happens when they call on Monday and say "It came back normal". Do I demand for more answers, or just chalk it up to the stress of the past few months, and try harder on the diet and exercise? Or should I demand for another appointment, and ask them to find out what is going on? Am I normal right now? Is this just how my body will be for the rest of my life? Is there a med or a food I could take to start feeling better? What if it is my thyroid? Oh, well that opens a whole new list of questions.
I am looking for some real answers this time. I just want to be told I am not normal in the way I am feeling. Right now I can't see living the rest of my life in the state that I am. And that is a really hard thing to admit. I just want to feel happy again.
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