The Whole Truth

I have been purposely absent from the blog lately.  I am not a great liar, typing or in person.  I also didn't want to hear everyone's opinion on this topic.  Not that I don't value others opinions, I am still hocked up on Prednisone, which causes my patience to wear thin. 

So let's go back two weeks to my blood doctor's.  I was in for just a CBC to check my iron and platelet levels.  My iron is steady, which means I won't have to do any more iron infusions for a while.  But my platelets had dropped again from the previous week.  So the doc ordered me back the next week for another CBC.  He wanted me off Prednisone as fast as medically possible.  I started weening off quickly.

-->  At this point I sort of knew ITP was back.  I was starting to feel more tired.  My breast milk was pretty much non existent.  Bruises were showing up on my body.  The circles under my eyes were darkening.  I know the signs.  I didn't want to admit it out loud, but inside I knew my body.  The withdrawal from the Predisone brought on hair loss (I can afford to loose a lot of hair.  I have plenty), and migraines.  My ADD went into overdrive, and I would find myself zoning out for minutes at a time. 

Last week Thursday I went back in for my normal CBC.  (On a side note I can't tell everyone how lucky I am to have a baby like Cade.  He is so chill, and good when we are out and about.  He has been to 11 doctor appointments with me, for me.  He is only 6 weeks old.  I am blessed.).  Okay back to Thursday.  I felt good that day.  My nurse Kim wasn't there, so it was just Dr Saleh in his wing, and he came in to visit momentarily as we waited on the counts.  He left the room, and I could hear him and the blood technician in the hallway. 

When the door knob turned, and the doctor entered, his head was down. 

Dr. Saleh "tsked" twice and then said "Well it isn't good."

My heart sank, and I felt a lump forming in my throat. 

"You are way down.  Remind me how much Prednisone we have you on."

"I take 20, one day, and zero the next"

"How do you feel when you are off of it"

"It doesn't matter.  I will get through anything to get off this.  Please don't put me back on it.  I have been on it since Aug."

"Going back on isn't an option.  It isn't working anymore.  You have too many antibodies in your system"

"So..." I knew I shouldn't say it.  But I couldn't stop the words from from so easily slipping through my lips "I was put on Prednisone for no reason."  I said it vengeance.  The hurt and anger could be heard my tone.

Dr. Saleh had turned his back to me and was washing his hands. As the vile words hit his ears he stopped all movement.  I could hear him sigh.  He turned his head slowly and with empathy in his face I saw his eyes move from Cade to me.  He very carefully said "Amanda, you are alive because of Prednisone."

I knew I had crossed a barrier.  As the words sunk in, I realized he knew a while ago that ITP was back.  He saw the signs a long time ago.  He had done everything he needed to.  And in his medical mindset, he done his job. I had survived childbirth.  I needed some time to take in what he was saying.  I knew it had been bad. But I wouldn't let me my mind wrap around how bad it really was.  I mean women don't die in childbirth, not women who are in as good as shape as me. Not women who have babies in the hospital surrounded by doctors.  I had not really let my mind wrap around how serious it was.  I guess the doctor felt that it was time I take full inventory of where I was, where I had been, and where I needed to be. "So what is the plan?"

Dr. Saleh snapped back into his show-no-more-emotion self.  "I am going to order 4 rounds of chemo.  We did Rituxian last time, right?"

"Yes, sir.  It worked after 6 treatments."

"Good, then we will try that first.  We will hope it will work, and you are not immune to it. I will deal with your insurance.  Let's start this tomorrow."

"Oh, I can't.  I know this sounds silly, but I am taking Cade up North for a week.  Can I still make that trip?"

"Yes, okay, that will change you dosage of Prednisone.  You will go back on it, and then we will take you off of it when you get back.  When do you get back in town?"

We set out a plan.  I will go in for another CBC on Monday the 15th. This is to make sure I am healthy enough to start chemo.  Then I am scheduled for the next 4 Tuesdays for treatment. 

I left the office with tears in my eyes.  I know I should have expected it.  I was told at the start of the pregnancy that ITP would come back. I was warned I would relapse.  I would have been super woman if it hadn't come back.  I guess I had told myself I was super woman. 

But the truth is out now.  Yes, I purposely didn't write this blog last week, as I knew people would freak out about the marathon.  I will say yes, I did run the marathon (I will blog about that next), and I did survive.  I will also just put it out there...neither of my doctors knew I was running the marathon this weekend.  I had been approved to run by the OBGYN, I just left out how far I was running.  And Dr. Saleh knew I was headed up North, just not exactly why.  I know this could have back fired on me.  But I asked Jacob and my family (and my bestee Shane) to just trust me.  And I am thankful to them, that they did.  I ran that race for cancer research.  I essentially ran that race for me.

I am in MI and enjoying my time with the families, and friends.  Cade, of course, is being such a good baby.  He did great on the car ride up here.  We have the rest of the week filled with family and friend activities!  We will be busy while we are here!

So it is all out.  The whole truth.