I had to do it

This post is going to anger some of you.  I have considered not posting it.  But for the first time since August I am clear headed enough to actually write a blog, so I felt I needed to celebrate a little bit. 

I am clear headed because I am off Prednisone.  The doctor does not know yet....

I had to do it.  I am normally a rule follower.  If someone asks me to do something, I do it.  I am a pleaser.  I like to do what others ask of me.  But I couldn't take it any longer.  The doctor took me down to 10mg of Prednisone last week Monday.  He said "Take 10mg every night."  To put this in perspective, I should have been super happy. I was on upwards of 100 mg not too long ago.  But I have been "weaning off" since two weeks after Cade was born.  When I got home Monday I went to the internet to look up how long "on average" it takes to wean off 10 mg, of this devilish drug.

So after looking on multiple sites, it looked like I was going to have to fight with this drug for five more weeks.  FIVE. MORE.WEEKS.  I couldn't do it one second longer....

I wanted to have a clear head, a mind that could shut off.  I didn't want to be up all night, and not because of Cade.  My teeth had become so sensitive I couldn't even drink luke warm water, without pain shooting through my spine.  My face is so water logged, I have no collar bones, and my sunglasses can't sit on my face correctly because my cheeks are so blown up, that they hit the bottom of the frames.   I wanted to know what it was like to go through a day without a migraine.  I wanted to wear my wedding band again, as my fingers are still holding onto so much water I can't get the bands over my knuckle.  I wanted my anxiety to be lower.  I didn't want to be freaking out about everything.  I wanted to get control of my OCD again, as Trisha was pointing out many of my quirks that hadn't shown up for 15 plus years.  

And really...this big reason...there is a chance that the Prednisone is keeping my levels high.  I can't risk Prednisone keeping me "healthy" and me holding off on treatments until it is all out of my system.  I would be back to school, as I go back next week Thursday.  I would have to get a sub, for a class that has already not seen me enough.  I would have to write plans, which is a huge stresser on me.  I wouldn't be 100% as I can promise I would be back to work the day after a treatment, just so I wouldn't miss yet another day, and have to write plans.  That drive could hinder my recuperation, which could cause me to get sicker, keeping me out longer, causing me to stress more.....

Okay, okay I think we all get the general idea there.

So last Monday I made the executive decision to NOT take any of my Prednisone.  Not a single pill, not a half pill, not a pill every other day.  I went cold turkey.  Not a drop since the 15th.

Now, on all those websites I visited, I also read about the consequences of taking yourself off Prednisone too quickly.   And yet, I felt the positive would outweigh any negative that could come out of this. 

The first 5 days, all last week, the withdrawl was horrible.  The migraines were the worst I have had for as long as I can remember.  I was so hungry I am pretty sure I ate more than I weigh each day.  And I will say I didn't eat my weight in apples, but in things like Blizzard Cakes, and puppy chow... 

But then it happened!  I woke up without pain.  I almost didn't know what to do.  I got up to use the restroom, and when I opened my eyes I relaized there was no pain shooting through them.  I know I stopped breathing for a few moments.  I stood in the doorway with my mouth hanging open.  I didn't want to take another step, as I knew the pain would come back.  But as I walked back to bed, the pain didn't return.  I actually cried myself back to sleep.  I knew the Prednisone was leaving my body. 

I am on day two of no migraine.  My teeth are already a lot less sensitive.  I have noticed that I am actually watching tv.  Not just staring at the movements, and having my brain whirl around, but I am following the story lines.  I haven't tried reading yet, as I am still a little gun shy, and think that the concentrating will bring back the pain.  But it is leaving my system.  And I am starting to feel free again!

I plan on telling the doctor tomorrow.  I know he will be angry, but I did what I needed to for me.  I know my body better than anyone.  I am more in-tune with what goes on inside and out than the average person.  I told Jacob yesterday (yes, he knew I was doing this, and no he didn't try to convince me otherwise...probably because I told him it wasn't worth him wasting his breath, I wouldn't listen to him anyway.....) that even if I were to get a brain tumor from taking myself off this drug too fast, I still wouldn't regret it. 

Waking up without any pain, has been worth it.  We will find out tomorrow what problems I may have caused....but I will take it.  I will take every consequence head on, I will own it..... I just couldn't take one more day of swallowing that pill.