Mood Swings

The kids and I just got back from what we are calling the "Epic Roadtrip of 2019".  Mostly epic because, unlike previous years, we added on Washington DC as a stop for our summer trip which rotates through all of the grandparents.  Cade and Ellee got to check off a few states they had never traveled to, and Cade loved everything about Washington DC.  He had learned about the monuments in school and knew exactly what he wanted to see, and thanks to Aunt T who watched Ellee for the morning,  him and I were able to spend 5 hours just walking around DC and having ice cream for lunch.  The kids did amazing, and both are great travelers.  They have a real desire for travel and enjoy it so much!  

But while on our epic roadtrip I had two pretty big mood swings.  While I drove the 12 hours home I really reflected on why these moods came out of nowhere, and why I allowed them to affect me to such an extent.  

First thing I came to understand, these swings didn't come out of nowhere.   Traveling with two "young-ish" children alone, for many hours, many days, and sharing a room and car the whole time, I think I am allowed to feel some suffocation.  But the big factor was the Army.  If you haven't dealt with the Army, my own personal opinion is that they are unorganized, and no one can make a decision, which are two of my biggest pet peeves.  I have little tolerance for that sort of behavior, and would normally take means to change my chance of interactions with such situations.  But with the Army I am stuck.  So when Jacob texts yet another change in our plans, it can get to be frustrating.   Because most of the time it will change again.  And maybe even again.  I can normally take these changes in stride, but we are running out of time.  Every moment has to be used to the fullest.  We can't take any time we are given together for granted.  

So when Jacob texted to tell me he will be sent for another training during a time we thought we would have him home...my mood changed.  

The second thing I recognized from my reflection time was that every time our time together is adjusted I go through the stages of grief.  But I don't have days to go through the phases. So I am condensed to a mere few hours to try and make sense of what is happening.  Hence the mood swings.  Trying to process it all is so overwhelming. 

The stages of grief for me

1. Denial and isolation - I don't want to believe what I am reading.  No way.  The Army wouldn't do this to us.  Just leave me alone. I need to think this through.

2. Anger -  I can't be alone.  The kids are always here.  I need to do the next thing I promised the kids we would do.  Don't let the kids see me angry.  But I am angry.  We only have so many days left.  How dare they take him away.  I am so angry for the kids.  They will miss out on so much time already, and now more.  

3. Bargaining - I start texting Jacob back.  Is he sure? Are these dates set in stone? Can you not go to this training, and switch it for that training?  It isn't fair they take you for this, so that means you will tell them you won't do this.  Jacob types back.  There is no bargaining with the Army.  I stare at my phone.  Defeated.  

4. Depression- This is when my mood swing is most noticeable.   My normal bubbly attitude is  just sad.  I have been told my eyes darken, and I don't smile doing things with the kids like I normally do.  All I want to do is go to bed and sleep.  I want to escape the kids.  I want to put on movies so they will leave me alone.  Life isn't fair.  I seek a lot of un-interrupted time looking at the calendar.  Tears welling up in my eyes as I move things around on the schedule, and delete other events that just won't happen anymore.  

5. Acceptance -  The calendar is changed.  The things we don't get to do, we won't do.  This is only a small part of our lives.  We are strong and will survive.  The kids will never know the difference.  Jacob doesn't want to go anymore than we want him to go.  So here is our new schedule.  At this point I can change my outer attitude to a more relaxed and calm state.  I can enjoy what is happening in the now again.  

During our trip this happened 2 times.  The first one I described above.  They are taking him away for more time.  But then towards the end of our trip, they did the opposite.  He was sent home early.  And we weren't at home yet. Jacob was home, while I had the kids away from him after finding out we had less days than we thought.  And now I felt because of me I was " keeping the kids away".  I broke down.  I cried.  I was so frustrated.  Jacob was home and we were not.  

After a heart felt emotional conversation with Jacob it was decided I would finish the trip with the kids and return 3 days later as planned.  It was such a hard decision.  But in the end it was the right one.  I think.  

During the car ride home I decided to give myself some grace.  I would extend grace to anyone else in this same situation.  I wouldn't expect them to apologize for being a little standoffish as they are lost in their own thoughts.  I wouldn't fault them for their red rimmed eyes from too many sleepless nights, and tears that come up at a drop of a hat.  I would hug them and tell them it was okay.  It is all normal.  And I was lucky.  I was with my sister, and a childhood friend who is amazing.  They both love me, mood swings and all.   I owe myself at least the same positive thoughts I would extend anyone else.    

We are home now, and Ellee is so happy.  Her favorite place is right in between Jacob and I when he is home from work.  And I have to remember that is why I work through every one of these emotions.  Cade and Ellee deserve their best mommy and best daddy.  And that, in the end, is all I am trying for.  

I am walking into a time in my life where it is going to be crazy.  Another school year is starting.  Time is short with Jacob. I owe myself some grace.