Don't Stop Believing

So this e-card has been circling around for a little while, and when I first saw this I chuckled a little. Then I did it.  I stopped believing.  

Let me back up.  So back in Dec, everything health wise looked like it was on the up and up.  Most of the steroids were out of my system, my platelets were to a level that made my blood doctor happy, and I was feeling more like myself.  So the doctors said, lets not see you for another month.  I was relieved.  Going to the doctors' week after week becomes exhausting, mentally and physically.  Trying to stay positive all the time becomes exhausting.  When the doctor says he doesn't want to see me for a while I feel a sense of freedom.  A reason for hope.  I mean the doctor feels good about things, so I can't help but feel happiness myself.  

We got through the holidays.  The start of 2013, which I vowed would be a new year, with less worries and stresses.  Two weeks passed, and then it happened.  

Complications started again.  

--> WARNING  Medical issues that only women have will be mentioned <-- p="">

We all know the birth story.  And then the battle with the steroids, infusions, and then chemo.  The fear during this entire journey was if I would be able to stop bleeding, and recoup after giving birth.  I didn't even entertain the thought that I wouldn't.  It wasn't an option.  No on dies giving birth anymore.  

Apparently, that isn't entirely 100% accurate, and if my doctor were a guest writer, I am sure he would stress to all how close I actually came to doing exactly that.  The real miracle was how quickly I recovered. Again, I didn't allow myself to consider it ending any other way.  I had a marathon to get through, I had a child to take care of, I had a job to get back to, I didn't have any other options in my mind.  I know being mentally strong through this all has helped me get to where I was/am.  

Then the bleeding started back up.  I was two weeks off of all steroids, and the chemo should have been out of my system.  When the bleeding started, I just ignored it.  I mean it would stop, like it did before.  A week later it started to get worse.  I was bleeding pretty heavy, and I was noticing my energy level was weening.  I continued to say things to myself like "If I am still bleeding in two days I will call the doctor", then it would be "Well I will give it a few more days, and then call the doctor."

I waited until I had been bleeding for a month.  I emailed my doctor.  His email response, was angry, and disappointed.  He told me I had to get my platelets checked. If my platelets were low, we would do what the blood doctor says, if it wasn't the platelets I had to schedule an ultrasound.  I went to the lab and got my CBC done.  My platelets were low, but not low enough to be causing this issue.  

I went in for an ultrasound.  Everything looked great.  My body is just not clotting.  So I am bleeding.  

It was back to sneaking out of work early to get to doctor appointments.  Using my lunch time to call back, and email my doctors.  Back to keeping on a happy face on the outside so no one would know anything is wrong on the inside.  

So order in the steroids.  Steroid one didn't make a difference.  Steroid number two didn't make a difference.  Steroid number three, I find out after the fact, comes with an amount of side effects and complications that another doctor couldn't believe I was being prescribed something so strong. 

 But after only 3 days on steroid number 3 I came down with my high fever.  I thought it was just a cold, and again didn't really do anything about it.  Day 5 on the steroid I am so sick feeling like I might not make it another day, and I emailed my doctor, to let him know I had stopped bleeding, but I wasn't feeling well.  He orders me to STOP taking the steroid, and get to an urgent care.

Well I wrote about it all last week.  Diagnosed with bronchitis, strep throat, and ear infections.  Apparently the steroid worked to stop the bleeding, but it had wiped my immune system clean.  Hence catching everything that was within sneezing distance.  So new plan, no steroids but antibiotics.  

I didn't feel like I was getting better.  I actually felt like I was getting worse.  Then I awoke in the middle of the night with a pain so sheering I wanted to vomit.  The pain was behind my right eye.  Upon inspection I found my eye swollen, and tender to the slightest touch.  I called in another substitute teacher, who by the way never showed up...don't even get my started...and off to the doctors I went.  My illness had manifested itself into a literal infection, and I wasn't blowing snot out of my nose, but puss.  The puss had backed up in my sinuses, causing the infection in the tubes behind my eye. Stronger antibiotics were prescribed.  I went home and took a nap.  When I awoke this time I was covered in blood.

It was at that exact moment I stopped believing.  

My body was tired.  I had finally stopped bleeding.  I know it was only for 5 days, but the hope I felt was immeasurable.  I thought, when I get off these antibiotics I will only have to take my vitamins.  I have been on steroids since early August.  I was ready to be healthy again.  

I texted my sister "this world is proving too hard for me"  Dramatic, yes.  But at that moment I really felt like my body couldn't go through anything else.  I had fought a good fight, and I was tired now.  This world is just too hard and I wasn't up for the fight.  I sobbed for a few minutes as I tried to comprehend what I was saying to myself.  

Then I realized Journey was going to be SO mad at me.  Just kidding, not really.  My alarm went off and it was time to get Cade from daycare.  I snapped back to reality.  I would fight another day.  

I am still finishing my antibiotics for the infection, and struggling with the bleeding.  The doctor is concocting some new cocktail for me, I am sure.  Sometimes I think about all I have put my body through in the last year, and I should be thankful the Lord gave me a body strong enough to be pushed full of drugs, a child, pushed to the extreme in athletics, and it keeps me has healthy as I normally am.  

I shouldn't have thought those negative thoughts.  But I did.  I am human.  Everyone gets tired after awhile.  But now I am singing "Don't stop believing" and actually believing it.